Whiskey Momma

All is fair in love and war. I admit that I received some angry and emotional reactions when I plead for the ladies to offer more variety and communication in the bedroom. I was asked to make sure I made a plea for ladies. When I asked what they wanted me to focus on there was a resounding plea for better communication.

There ya have it folks. We all want better communication, but I’m betting not very many know what that means, OR that most humans believe that communication means – if they tell you, ask you, or imply for you to do anything, in anyway-you should do it. That’s not communication.

I’ll say that again. As much as I’m guilty of wanting people to read my mind and do whatever I need them or I’m requesting them to do-that’s not communication. Here are some steps on EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION.

1. STOP avoiding the hard conversations. When you avoid difficult conversations waiting for the other person to initiate the conversation can lead to resentment and increasing emotional dysregulation. Which then decreases your probability of coming together to compromise and get both peoples’ needs met. Have the conversation. I just had something like this happen. Talk. I love the hard talks. They humble me.

2. Manage your expectations. Simply put-if you have an expectation make it clear in the discussion. When you talk about expectations it allows for both parties to be on the same page. I have always had very low expectations, however, with low expectations come low yields. I want more now, so now I have them and I won’t settle.

3. Don’t say-“Can we talk.” Maybe instead start with, “I’ve been thinking” or “have you considered (xyz) as an option?” This may lessen the fear and anxiety from the “can we” or “we need to” talk approach. I know when someone opens with those lines, I’m almost immediately defensive. Which in turn makes me want to shut down and by the time I realize it’s a safe conversation I’ve missed several pieces of the conversation. Whoops. I am getting better at this. Pinky promise.

4. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Simple right? First, do you both agree with what respect means to you? Lay that out first. Second, make sure you’re not using old facts and processed material to throw in the fire. Avoid shaming and negative body language. Gestures are not great unless it’s makeup time. Tone. Keep it low. Name calling is a no. Using “I” statements are a YES.

5. Ask for help. Not from friends. They take sides. Ask a professional. Avoid drinking and drugs to cope. Other risky behaviors-sex outside the relationship, stopping off at the and drinking (unless it’s mutually agreed upon). So this one is the hardest. We have everything under control right? No. We don’t think it goes beyond a rough patch, right? Wrong. Sorry. Seek professional help.

I’m going to say this until I’m blue in the face. If people said what was in their hearts in an open and honest way, there’d be less heartbreak and suffering in the world. We are (not so much me anymore) so afraid of the reaction (thank you SIR for the words, I needed them) we may or may not receive from the other person. Our feelings may not be reciprocated.

Guess what??? You won’t die! I am living proof that you won’t die. I have poured my truth out week after week and have survived the feedback, the rejections (yes, rejection), and the reality that I am frequently encouraged to “stay single.” (Another blog)

To finalize this communication I’m sharing. Remember a few bits of info to help you when communicating with your partner -manage expectations, ask yourself what your motives are, be respectful, have the hard conversations, use “I” statements, and use emotional intelligence. Try not to have big talks when you’re emotional. Nothing good happens there.

Effective communication will forever be a problem…I encourage you to look at your motives and check your emotions before you attempt to engage in conversations. I recently have been demonstrating more of a human side because of these stupid emotions. First the jealousy thing (ugh), then the visceral response to a predator, then the angry and hurt reaction to being manipulated and drug into drama.

Somewhere in the middle of it all I have found a sense of peace. This realization has led me to the conclusion that I don’t need need to fear or avoid my feelings, and that without feeling them I may not be able to truly see the value, integrity, and the benefit of helping others.

Thank you to my humans. 1-For your forgiveness, 2- for your compliments (you now know how hard it is to accept them), 3- your support, and 4-your beautiful ability to remain my friend. ~WM~

In the spirit of how I have been sent a barrage of messages from women telling or asking me (not exactly in the nicest way) to step away from their male Facebook friends for one reason or another, or in one case, just your basic scorned female wanting to punish me for cockblocking-or in this case, busting her motives so my friend couldn’t be manipulated. I am going to write about some relationship guidelines that ironically (because I’m divorced) may help you see that “that guy” is a fucking human and every human has needs…

Men love sex. A lot of women love sex. But for this blog, I am going to summarize why men like sex and some considerations for their pleasure.

1-Testosterone. Testosterone is the hormone that ignites the sexual arousal that happens when men see something that is arousing-nakedness, large breasts, asses…you get the point.

2-Excitement and hunger. Men crave the excitement of the possibility of sex…the who, what, when, where, why, and how, keeps them fantasizing and building up the hunger and excitement. Also- the 5w’s&H was created by Aristotle. A. Man.

3-Sex is the way he gives love and feels love. Men feel so good when they can give a woman sexual pleasure. I know that there are women out there that disagree with this, however, of the many men I have asked about this, giving women pleasure is an “ultimate high.” Many men ask their partner what they want, however, the responses they receive are often prudish and guarded. This closes the door for many men to be open with their partners with their sexual requests due to fear of being judged, told no, or ridiculed. However, when a man is able to receive pleasure he requests from his partner, he feels the weight of the world drifting slowly off his shoulders and creates a feeling of attachment.

So what does all this mean. Men love to hear that they are sexy, that they are wanted, and that they have fantastic fucking body parts. (Puns are all intended) It is amazing to me when I hear men say that they have never been told that they “are great kissers” or that they have “fantastic dicks.” They need to know this. It helps build their self esteem, which makes them feel better about themselves in other parts of their lives.

We want a man to be strong, to take care of us, to keep us safe, and to work hard, but often we are unwilling to stroke the part of his ego that actually relates both physically and chemically to that behavior reinforcement. It is so important for this to happen because if it doesn’t, even the healthiest of marriages/relationships will crumble like Rome-slowly and you’ll be taken by surprise when you really shouldn’t be.

So, how do you know what they want when you have shame about the topic of the conversation, or you’ve had the same conversation multiple times, but nothing has changed? If they have showed you, described in detail, and possibly have used crayon to show you details of what they like and you are not willing to compromise or what we call in the therapy field…grow, then be prepared for the fallen relationship. Period.

If you are unwilling to have the discussion about what you like and don’t like, then be prepared for the fallen relationship. BUTT- (again, intended) if you are willing to talk about, try new things and grow together in the intimate and sexually intimate relationship, by remaining open to this growth-you may have a partner that doesn’t look at porn (very much) or your cute friend for fantasy material. He may feel happy and satisfied enough to meet some of those expectations you may be putting on him.

So, let’s have this discussion now. Some things to consider or for some, reconsider trying- anal sex. If this is something your partner has casually brought up and you have slammed the door, consider opening the door and educate yourself on the how to’s. My advice-invest in SILICONE base lube. DO NOT buy the water base unless you are allergic to silicone.

The next plea I have for partners to consider or in most cases, reconsider talking about…oral sex. Men and most women, LOVE oral sex. There is something about their partner looking up at them when they are in one of the most intimate and submissive positions. Many women have complaints about a gag reflex, however, there are many products on the market that can help with that issue. The products available to aid in this area, such as “comfortably numb” (Amazon) will allow this process to occur more, “smoothly.”

There are many more ways to please your partner and make your sexual relationship more satisfying and I strongly encourage you to explore this further. I also encourage you to consider reflecting on the intimacy in the relationship, i.e. do you still have conversations about topics other than kids, home shit, work, and other busy details. Are you using social media to set a standard or give an impression of a perfect relationship and he can’t live up to or better yet, is tired of trying to live up to it. Focus on your relationship and how to make it prosper no matter the busy and crazy schedules that exist. But be real AF.

Don’t take your partner for granted. They are a whole person with or without you, and it is better for you if they include you in their wholeness versus the crumbling relationship. Now time for some disclosure-if you are not nice to your partner and they find out, the fun times band wagon will leave the station. If there are other extenuating life circumstances-illness, trauma, or anything else that may be an issue that impacts this process, TALK to your partner. COMMUNICATE before the relationship begins so the dialogue is open and honest.

This is a long blog, but it is honest and is an absolute plea on behalf of every man I know based on conversations and research. They want you and if you take the time to love yourself and show them how much you want and love them, your relationship will have a greater chance for success. It should also be noted that I am fully aware that there will be many that disagree with this blog…that is OKAY. You can and it’s healthy to disagree. But please consider the message.

Always keeping it real…~WM~

I debated on whether or not to write this blog. But then I thought about the shit that I’ve written about that is more meaningful than this topic. So after I decided to write about it I had to consider the motive behind writing about this blog topic. So the topic is going to be related to the incident, but I won’t reinforce the histrionic and manipulative behaviors behind the incident. Sound good? It doesn’t matter I’m doing it anyway.

I’m going to have to be really careful and stick with two points: how to identify manipulative behaviors in others, and when to keep your mouth shut. One I can do really well, the other…I’m applying learned skills almost daily. I’ll let you guys figure out which is which.

Negative manipulation can be seen over time and through a series of events, conversations, and through the persons actions. Behaviors can be subtle or they can be overt. In most cases, it takes a long period of intermittent interactions or a short period of intense interactions with these folks to recognize what may be happening, and even then, if they have any skills at all, you may believe that it’s you and not them, or it’s the other persons behavior that’s the problem and not theirs.

Some clues to whether or not someone may be manipulating you:

1. First and foremost, if I tell you something is a fact that I know 100% about a person manipulating you-they’re probably manipulating you for a personal gain that is nefarious.

2. Manipulative people will make you question your ability, confidence, and worth. If you don’t help them, there’s something wrong with you, not them.

3. Manipulative people rationalize their shit! If they are questioned about their alleged manipulative behaviors, a manipulator will make usually shift blame onto someone else, somehow making you feel bad for them. Usually, though, it is the manipulator who makes a big deal out of things and attacks.

4. Manipulators usually have no empathy for the people who have helped them and will even go so far as to attack those people, should they feel defensive or need to cover up one of their actions or deeds.

5. Those who manipulate will generally know that they have and are the problem, but make it out to seem like it is the world who is against them, rather than take responsibility for their actions.

6. A person that manipulates will target your vulnerabilities and emotional weaknesses so that they can use them to you to do just what they want you to do.

7. A person that manipulates will lie or distort the truth so that they always come out looking right. Such as-excuse making, withholding key information, understatements, exaggeration, or being two-faced.

8. A person that manipulates are well versed for always playing the role of victim (as noted on the WM Facebook page) and making themselves appear innocent. Usually, they will exaggerate or make up personal issues so that others feel sorry for them and sympathize with them.

Enough about those assholes. Lest we forget my real motive behind the blog. When to keep my, I mean your mouth shut. It depends really. I know for me after this experience, I don’t want to again. It was awful and I just don’t care to feel that way.

With that being said…if someone in my circle (which I’m happy to report is growing) appeared to be a target of a master manipulator (or like in the last case, just a user) I will speak up. As long as my motives are sincere I can sleep at night. If it backfires again I’ll evaluate what I could have done differently as move on.

Feeling bad isn’t the only reason for not opening our traps. If we want to hurt someone that is not ok. If we don’t have facts to support our statements that’s not ok. If the other party isn’t willing to take perspective, let it go. It’s not your job to force them to see a different viewpoint. You can try and maybe it’ll work. But don’t lose the sincerity, care, and concern you have for the person just to be seen as “right.”

The last thing I learned in this particular lesson is, I don’t care if the manipulator lies about what was said. If the person believes their truths then so be it. I will not lose my integrity, credibility, and self-discipline to get engrossed in a battle of “that’s what she said.” Say your peace, state your facts, let the person make their choices. They’re the only ones that have to live with the consequences.

I’d like to add that after this encounter I had a spectacular evening. If I ever thought it would’ve been so terrible to speak up, I’m not sure I would’ve. However, my nature is to call bullshit. I called it. Maybe next time I’ll deliver my meat and skip being a helper for an evening. ~WM~

When is the right time? Who is the right person? The truth is, we never know. The timing may feel right and perfect, but I’m here to tell ya, when it feels perfect, that’s not scientific proof that your heart won’t shatter into a million little pieces. To absorb some of the possibilities of the relationship fallout we typically use our measuring “sticks.” (Pun intended)

You tell me yours, and I’ll tell you mine-or is it, “you show me yours and I’ll show you mine?” Either way, there is really one of two messages humans want to transmit during this very important interchange. This is for both sexes, either-1) “Are you going to hurt me?” or 2) Are we hooking up?”

Both animal instincts to protect you in their own way. The “Are you going to hurt me” interchange uses a multiple choice, a likert scale, and an essay section for qualifying candidates. This is conducted throughout the whole relationship process, which ironically enough, most likely began by using the latter of the two interchanges-“are we hooking up.”

Are you going to be hurt? The simple answer is yes. Every relationship has suffering. Every type of relationship-friendships, familial, coworkers, -every type. The question is, what level of suffering are you willing to take? Are you walking into a land mine zone wearing blinders, or have you reflected and overthought the relationship until the horse has been dead for a few days?

What are you using a measure? Are you constantly comparing them and looking for specific qualities? Are you insecure with yourself to look for minimal standards without excess achievement to have to compete with? (Mostly men do this by the way) Sexual compatibility, looks, personality, the list most likely and should be extensive. However, as humans are fickle and creatures of habit with doing “what’s safe and comfortable”, this measuring system may not be successful.

But it’s an exciting risk to take when you are ready. For some, like me, it’ll catch you off guard. Which it has for me. But the timing is never right. So be ready for that. because that can be just as painful and a negative reinforcement if we let it. Which I do sometimes and tell myself it is to protect my sanity and the stupid thing in my chest.

Then we have the “are we hooking up” measure which has less requirements (for some). When this process goes down (yeah I caught that) sometimes all bets are off, especially if alcohol is involved. Sometimes it’s the “last man/woman standing and they are kind of cute, so why not,” or “I’ve had worse.” Another is the play…the “flirted, bought drinks, laughed at all the jokes and I need to get laid” play. My favorite, “I offered to buy or bought you a drink, so you owe me” play. (This really is bordering on deviance, I’ll slam you and you’ll never know what happened)

So looking back, if you’re using the same measuring stick, or the third leg to find the “right” one, then your results will be the same over, and over, and over…doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results has a definition. I’m not using it because I don’t buy it. You are doing the same things and using the same tactics because either you are too lazy, scared, or like your situation (victim stance, manipulative, or have personality disorder.

You are responsible for the change in you. No one can control you and you do not have the right to control another person. Get woke already. If you’re my age you’ve received plenty of feedback from people related to your personality and trouble with your relationships. If you love yourself, do something about it…~WM~

Someone (you know who you are) will say this is not a deep reflection of my emotion or presentation of where I am in my life. That’s ok. But the truth is, it really is. I see and have made pattern mistakes. I learn and do something different now…30 times later. ❤️

I have spent my life avoiding solid negative emotions that make me feel like shit. Why in the world did I think it was a good idea to open the scars on my heart? Why in the world do I think that being vulnerable is necessary for growth when it hurts?

Because no matter how much this sucks, the bleeding will stop and the scars will heal over. Fighting a losing battle is not healthy and I will be better and stronger for the experience. In fact this decision was made for me and it’ll be easier to walk away.

At least I am aware of my new found capacities to be vulnerable. I will own them and wear them proudly for others to learn from. Also-when one tiny door closes bigger doors open. Doors that are healthy and vibrantly colored. But for now-I’ll sit and heal.

Happiest of Monday’s to you.

❤️ ~WM~

My last blog was a hard write that hit some folks where it hurt. Even harder, was the aftermath of writing the blog. I was told “it took a lot of courage,” and that it was “raw, honest, and deep.” I was also sent over fifty messages from other people telling me how they have felt the same feelings, and are afraid to be honest because of what pain they may suffer as a result. Bullshit.

As a response to the first comment, I was simply empowered to be able to own how I felt related to how I was processing whatever was happening. After some thought and exploration to what I was feeling and experiencing something inside me changed. My feelings shifted to consideration and empathy for those who struggle expressing their feelings to those who the feelings may be about.

Let me say that I have never been one to shy away from being honest and forthcoming in my thoughts and opinions (shocking, right?) telling someone how the lying and manipulative fist shaped thing in my chest was feeling did not always feel like an option. Until Now. Now it’s on.

Now, I have no issue telling someone how I feel about them. I have told them when they are crossing lines, when they need to reconsider who they think they are speaking to and how they are speaking to me (tone, right Hook?). In addition, I have told them how important they are to me, how nervous or scared I feel around them, and most of all, that I have love or dislike for them.

My very good friend and her husband and I were talking about how if others expressed their feelings more perhaps they wouldn’t bottle their emotions up, bury them, and act as though they don’t exist. Then eventually, have violent outbursts, act passive aggressively, or other bad behaviors that lead to stuffing or reactionary problem solving-or possibly worse, no problem solving at all.

Looking around the crowded restaurant, how many people sitting with their loved ones were keeping true feelings and thoughts to themselves. How many were stuffing, playing nice, ignoring real problems, or self-medicating to get through the moment? There is zero judgement in this, however, there is a cautionary tale that can be learned.

Had I not shared my feelings with the person in the blog, I may have built up anger, resentment, and hostility towards the person (sound familiar to you yet?) I may have destroyed our friendship-by acting passively or passive aggressive towards them, which may have led to an unrepairable friendship, which, I have a limited number of, and I’m guessing they may be in the same boat.

Instead, talking about the feelings got everything on the table, and we can be supportive of one another through our continued life’s ups and downs and other than being more mindful of boundaries, nothing has changed in my role in our relationship. I know if I need something they’ll be there and vice versa.

Another bonus I got out of the process is learning that proximity and intense connections should not limit my openness for new or developing friendships. I discover new connections weekly and build stronger friendships with those who have been unwavering in support and encouragement. Some are just dicks that need to go away.

I spoke with a twenty-something last night and she completely agreed with the honest and open dialogue concept. She said she had a friend struggling with her mental health and along with chemical support, she would benefit from speaking to a professional. This is where society is with mental health needs. Everyone could benefit from having someone to listen to them and on a professionally trained level help guide the through their healing process.

However, talking to the person who you struggle with using emotional reasoning and intelligence and being brave enough to accept their feedback may build integrity and courage. I believe it also builds resilience in our ability to accept hard feedback or feelings of rejection. This is definitely something our society struggles with and would benefit from having as a skill.

The bottom line is-talk to one another. Tell your humans how you feel. However, do not think that just because you put yourself out there the consequences won’t be negative at times. Prepare yourself for rejection and should that happen, work through the feelings, not around them! Embrace change and growth through the experiences! ❤️

I was informed a sibling of mine dislikes this blog. I was happy they shared this with me, however, they know, because I told them, that I will continue to write, I will start a podcast, and I will always love them for being honest. ~WM~

Let me begin by saying this is a hard blog to write. Like, so fucking hard. I have recently experienced an emotion that I do not typically experience. Jealousy. I debated with how much to share and weighed the benefits to sharing the who and the situation. However, after carefully considering the people I care about and their responsibilities that I also consider responsibilities but in a lesser capacity, I will protect them by protecting the innocent.

Don’t worry though…I’ll describe the humiliating experience enough for you to know just how human I felt. Even beyond that…how I grew from it. So what happened? I was having a great day, the week was hectic, but nice and what felt normalish. Then I seen something that felt like a kick in the throat and stomach at the exact same time. I couldn’t breath and I was dizzy from not breathing, then nearly passed out. Frankly, the whole situation was humiliating and at the time, did not seem like it was worth feeling the emotion.

Because I am a firm believer that jealousy is a complete waste of time, I’m going to break some jealousy facts down. I’m going to focus on-what jealousy is, where jealousy generally stems from and what types of personalities are usually prone to become jealous. Then some steps to work through it.

Most people understand jealousy as “coveting what someone else has,” “wanting but not receiving attention from someone because the person is focused or distracted with someone else,” which may lead the person asking themselves what is wrong with them. These are the basic and the most frequent reasons for feeling jealous.

As noted in the previous section, the why is important for those of us who are uncomfortable with feeling jealous. We need to figure out what happened, where did this feeling come from and how the hell did it penetrate our walls. For most people jealousy will stem from an insecurity. I’m not different. In this situation, the crack in my walls began to get bigger due to the amount of vulnerability I allowed myself to feel with this person. In addition to the bond and sense of trust created as we got to know one another.

Our relationship has been built on trust and being honest with one another. In fact, after the incident, I informed them of what had happened and I have been dealing with it since then. The extended humility comes with being around the person almost daily while forcing me to question any emotion that came up during interactions.

Then putting myself out there even further and having a door slammed shut and encouraged in a way that wasn’t meant to sound like pity, but felt like pity, felt fucking awful. My reaction was to put that giant wall up. To protect myself from further weakness and vulnerability. But I had to remind myself that there isn’t a timeline for the these things…I felt completely powerless. But I really wasn’t.

When dealing with these feelings I mean, rebuilding walls that were penetrated and figuring out how to not complicate one of the most complicated friendships I’ve ever known. I’m not sure what it meant to that person when I told them what had happened except an appreciation for the honesty and the trust it took for me to tell them. For me it felt like weakness. I hated giving another human that power.

For most people, as recorded throughout history, this “green eyed monster” has been a motivator to destroy other humans in some way. (“If I can’t have what I want, no one can.”) This has been true for love, business practice, state power, religion, money, and human control. For me-it’s not different except, it’s different. I want what I want, however, how do I know it’s what I want? Do I listen to logic, that stupid thing in my chest, or is it possible to listen to both to balance the negative emotions and achieve acceptance of the situation?

My jealousy stemmed from me caring about someone combined with the realization that because of other very complicated details-it feels like there will never be a “we.” Period. It feels awful. It gets worse. I don’t feel as though I was given a choice in the setting of limits related to the complications of our relationship. It feels, and to the best of my recollection, as though the decision was made and once again I have to go along with it because I won’t hurt innocent people.

My personality is not one that succumbs to envy, greed, or jealousy. Notice I left lust off the list…because I’m human you know. But many people who have codependent personality traits, borderline personality traits, significant trauma related to attachments and creating bonds, and a history of sexual/physical abuse tend to have a strong behavior reaction when they feel jealous.

The personalities mentioned above, are generally insecure and need validation from others which creates their sense of self-worth. They use external sources to tell them they have value and worth (which sometimes is great) versus being able to believe when/if they tell themselves they are worth it. Most of the time, after years of struggling to gain acceptance from others and still not achieving ashy genuine self love, they learn and tell themselves, “they are not lovable.”

Although I have trauma related to sexual abuse, I was fortunate to create a healthy sense of self. Through my journey thus far, I know where I come from, where I’ve been, where I presently am, and I have goals for my future. Knowing these things about myself helps me process strong emotional reactions (positive and negative) and I’m able to problem solve and figure out my next steps.

So what are my next steps? I really want to build that giant fucking wall. HUGE wall. But I’m not. Right now is what is happening and I’m not going to let some shit moment rule out or control my life outcomes. I said it before, I will live and experience life through pain, suffering, and all the happiness it throws at me.

I will not tell myself that I am powerless. I will remind myself of my humanity and use humility to grow and be a stronger human that my friend needs. I won’t pull away and slam a vault shut. I will remind myself of the love I offer and I will try not to use justification or rationalization to avoid or write off what I am experiencing. I’m going to live through it damn it.

FYI- the person referred to in this blog, reads the blog. Imagine that for a moment. They know most of what is written. I have zero qualms with this person knowing the real and genuine me. Imagine a world where we didn’t have to hide from the scary feelings and even when not reciprocated at times, we still work out our differences and move forward. That is why I write. This is real life. Passion, pain, sleepless nights, and whiskey conversations. Who is the real project here… “Me thinks it’s me.” ~WM~

What do you do when the people who spout righteousness, supporting women’s growth in their relationships and finding theirselves, and other victim bullshit are actually the ones perpetuating the bullshit. You know the type right? The victim in everyone of their relationships, the ones that keep picking assholes that aren’t any better than what left them from their previous fucked up relationship.

The person who has little boundaries and tries to assimilate their behavior with the next prizes ex that they’ll never actually grow to become because single white female bullshit is boring. If he wanted the ex-he wouldn’t have messed the relationship up in the first place so be real and different. We all know these assholes. But guess what?

You are a blip. A blip on the radar for those people who have moved forward and can see what you are doing. We know you are not the victim. So assimilate this thought- I shouldn’t be full of shit. I shouldn’t blame my behavior on other people. I am responsible for my own shit. I shouldn’t fuck with those people who are really the strong ones because they’re the real survivors.

Don’t be the person who can’t be single or on their own. Find out who you are before you start the next co-dependent or parasitic relationship. Find out who you really are…and if you’re not an asshole then change your actions and don’t be an asshole. They have books on how not to be an asshole.

But most importantly, if you are going to be an asshole, own it. Own your insecurities and own your agenda. That’s integrity and I respect that so much more. You can thank our friend Hook for teaching me that, and I’ll forever be grateful. I will accept you-but only if you don’t lie about your shit. Own it.

The world is full of phonies…don’t be that person. I’ll catch you every time. Every single time.

How’s that for feelings Ariel!

~WM~

“Well, as helpers, it’s natural to want to see people at their best. But that’s just not the way relationships work. If I love you, then I love YOU; the good, the bad, the ugly. If you make improvements in life, then great. But if not, I’m with you because I love/loved YOU.” ~A dear friend~

I was told this advice a few weeks ago by someone who I believe to be one of the smartest women I am blessed to know. Not only do I know her, but I’ve known her over three-fourths of my life. So I know a great deal of her wisdom comes from her life experience. Her advice was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time.

So what do I do with that information now? When she stated the words to me I was closing a chapter of my life. However, I had been searching for the title for the newest chapter of my life. I still haven’t got a title, however, I do know it is about coming to terms with decisions I have made in my life, how I want to runny life, and who will be allowed to influence (the good, the bad, and the ugly) when given the ability to make those choices myself.

The first step is seeing its clear that I need to be the main character and focus on healthy choices (most of the time). The second step, making sure the other main roles in my life also take priority, however, if I’m not in a good place, then neither are they. The third and possibly hardest step is-I need to follow my friends’ advice about accepting a person exactly where they are and make sure that I extend the same love to myself for ex’s who I am now, not the person I will be or the person I used to be.

How this will fit into my life will be seen and discovered one day at a time and one fabulous or miserable experience at a time. I’m going to take bigger risks with everything that may hurt me, and encourage others to do the same. I’m going to ask the really hard questions that I may not like the answers to, but at least I’m asking. (Again, thank you Rex)

So if you’re watching and waiting to see what happens next, be ready. I’m going to make 2020 my whiskey bitch. It’s going to be the best ride yet, no matter what happens. I’ve been given an opportunity to change my path and start a new journey with the bonus of having all this extra knowledge about life through so many experiences.

If you’re one of the lucky ones to ride the ride with me, hold on tight…

~WM~

I have been watching it happen and even tried to do it myself…trying to start entry level relationships before being in a healthy place to be in one. It’s amazing how we sometimes feel our way blindly through dates and being “okay” with spending time with people when we are not ready.

Maybe we are lonely and need validation. Maybe we need to know that it “wasn’t our fault” that the previous relationship ended. For me, this realization of being “not ready” came when I started feeling badly after spending time with the other people. Some of that stems from incompatibility, and some stems from not actually being ready to put myself back into a vulnerable position in which someone else has control over me or my feelings.

Mostly the latter…but I tried it and it didn’t work. I’ve given myself time to deal with, not avoid, not escape, but to actually work through my depression and other negative emotions and began to recognize I wasn’t ready to be a part of something besides healing and discovering who I really want to be without changing for someone. A part of that healing and self discovery was taking an inventory of each and every painful feeling I was experiencing and ride it out. It was hard and I required time to pick up the pieces and shed the skin i was still wearing. I still require time to take a step back an evaluate life day by day at times, but I can say it is so much easier.

Not unlike so many I felt like I was ridiculed and challenged by those who didn’t understand (or maybe they did, but don’t understand what it takes to heal) the power of strong negative emotions an empath can endure when dealing with their role in a helping profession, then being forced to dive into their own shit show after hours. I was told several times that “I was fine,” I was reminded of my “nice” stuff and “good job” and was actually asked and encouraged to just think of positive stuff to ignore the negative. It felt shaming by some that were supposed to be a safe place and and as a result I shut out those who genuinely care.

I’m lucky I have passed through to the other side of my negative emotions for now. But what happens to those who base their worth on another persons acceptance of them and never truly come to terms with their loss? Can they or will they ever be healthy enough to be in a relationship? Will their fate be hopping from nightstand to nightstand utilizing their third leg through the neighborhood, searching for happiness but only reinforcing their negative emotions through sexual conquests.

I have since worked through this recent episode by recognizing and being told I was building walls from my supporters. My people reassured me that they too felt and went through exactly what I was experiencing when they were going through similar experiences. I recently told a friend that I choose who I want and what I want now. I won’t be told to be somewhere or to change myself. (Unless of course someone says “go to the beach right now, yes sir!) I won’t settle for spending time with someone if I am not intellectually, emotionally, and obviously physically stimulated by. (That order)

I know that relationships are hard, they take effort, sacrifices of sort, and whether I like the word or not, they take commitment. With that being said, I love being in a relationship with myself and finding out what I want and getting strong to say, “NO.” The other part of this growth is stepping out of the anxiety pit and asking for what I want. I remember “Rex” telling me that “putting it out there and just saying what you want is the best way to get what you want, or let go of what you can’t have.” The man is brilliant. He made sense that night, however, this philosophy has made more and more sense as I have followed his advice.

I love my life. I love telling those charmers that they aren’t getting what everyone easily caves into for them…stroke your own beard baby. I also have zero problem having a good time with them with following those limits. If others take issue with that I’m good with that too. I won’t hide anymore. I wont be hurtful, but I won’t sit back and have a “dick” (gender neutral) tell me how to act. I won’t let myself change for anyone unless I want to grow with that person-read that again…GROW WITH THEM.

After a breakup, there is still a feeling of rejection, something fundamental, something that says we cannot be together as before. That’s a tough blow for anyone’s ego. When a breakup is unexpected or sudden, the rejection can be even more intense or traumatic. The rupture to one’s self-esteem, the end of one’s plans and hopes, and the reminder of one’s past sense of rejection or failure can all be devastating.

Take time to yourself…heal, use your support system, get the pain out, exercise (punching and kicking shit is my favorite), take time away from jumping into the next relationship. Talk to someone about what happened and learn from relationship mistakes. Learn how to be by yourself and if necessary, learn to love yourself. Build up your strength to be stronger for the next chapter of your life.

Another set of feelings…enjoy. ~WM~🥃