Categories
Uncategorized

Keeping it Real, With Whiskey…

It’s important for anyone reading this to know that this blog is not “just for women.” This is a human blog. Written by a human that earned clarity through the bottom of my glass of whiskey. I’ll be writing and learning through personal life experience, and through any engagements from readers and internet trolls.

Divorce is Not the Final Frontier

Life sucks, grab a straw…preferably a paper one.

— K Bender

As I begin to write this post I am sitting in a hotel room contemplating how my life has taken a drastic detour from the path I had previously believed it was going to take, just less than a month ago.

Let me start the story by saying I am changing all names to protect the fucked up. Oops, I forgot to warn you, there is swearing, and there will continue to be large amounts of swear words being used through this diary of my life. Feel free to close the page if you are easily offended by swear words, pain & suffering of the human condition, sexual exploits, and general discussion of how women and men “who interact on any level,” “hook up,” “engage in a relationship,” and other various forms of how we attempt to communicate with any other human in the overall approaches in our lives.

So my present life situation begins like any other WTF moment…I recently took a job in which there was a significant pay raise, I work in a nice office (when I wasn’t in the field), and, and here is the most important part, it is a job that I absolutely love. Then, just like a stupid romantic comedy(I’m guessing at this one I prefer Die Hard) ..two and a half months later I discovered my marriage was over. I can say that it is all his fault, and many of my friends both in person and online will agree, that he is to blame. On any given day, a part of me is ok with blaming him, why not, it’s easier to not take responsibility and wallow in the pity others offer, however, another part (the human heart part) of me is not okay with that at all.

Now the why not…

Take a deep breath…I’m not saying I condone anything he may have or have not done, what I am saying is this: It is so easy to say, “I am a victim,” “I can’t believe this happened to me,” and one of my all time favorites, “how could he/she do this.” How many of us have said or thought that we were the innocent victims, being perpetrated on by the man with the long mustache twirling the corners up(you know who you are), or the women who “uses/sleeps with every man she ever dates”(how is this any of your fucking business). I hope right now, my hand is not the only one that is raised…

The low down on what we tell ourselves to make it ok to “blame” the other person is the movie reel we use to justify how we are victims in multiple areas of our lives. Not you? Bullshit. This is everyone. To an extent. It can be used in a healthy protective way, or it can be used to justify being a shitty parent because drugs or men/women are more important than your kids’ needs, or a shitty anything else to anyone else. This is how my tape goes…”OMG, how can they be so stupid, what the fuck, how many times do I have to say what I need or needs to be done!” This can be applied in all settings and towards myself…you know why. When the real problem, at least when this is directed towards others, is that I have placed an expectation on them that I know has the possibility of not being met.

I was recently challenged on the sincerity of “not setting/having expectations” claiming I was using them as a defense mechanism to avoid being hurt…yeah I know. However, I explained my use of this is methodical to not physically harm others and to not sit in emotional despair and disappointment of the humans that I interact with in my life. (Cause I need those humans.)

What I TRY to do instead of that blaming shit…

Take perspective of where I have possibly set a bar. How this works for me- if someone says they are going to do ANYTHING for me, I prepare myself for the possibilities. I play the outcomes out in various ways that have many different endings that may or may not lead to me being pissed off, feeling like a victim, or worse-being taken advantage of, a.k.a feeling vulnerable(ugh).

A recent example of how this worked and went well-I made a plan to meet up with a girlfriend at a local bar. In my experience and others that have shared their own to me, this person would have and could have flaked. (She didn’t because she is a warrior) However, not only did she show up, but, she was so much fun to be around. We laughed and made fun of people…have you been to a bar lately? We bonded. Score one for the feels. But I had my plans and scenarios ready…

An example of how this did not work well-and now the story has come full circle-the DIVORCE. I don’t blame him. I don’t blame me. It happens. Could we have done stuff differently to rescue the marriage? Maybe, did we? No. Not because it was intentionally (that we can use blame for), but because sometimes things happen in small little steps that we cannot see are even happening. However, if you were GOD or some weird stalker you could see. We could not. So we couldn’t fix it. I tell myself that we are bad at our marriage (I’m not good at it at all I think) but we are amazing parents. So although we have failed at our marriage, we can rock at being parents and working together for them. I cannot wait to see how that works…kidding.

As I continue to write about various sensitive matters I will include tidbits of our relationship and how we evolved to this point…however, blogs are not meant to be very long as people get distracted easily by shiny objects.

Digest this, wrap your head around the swearing and self-efficacy and get back here…really soon cause I have been told I have a lot to say!

Categories
Uncategorized

More to come!!

Categories
Uncategorized

WARNING: You May Have Life Problems…

Does every single thing need a warning label now? Do we need to use popup technology to teach people not to harm themselves when using daily items, or warn Don’t eat laundry detergent, this movie/book/song/human may be triggering, the coffee is hot, the car is heavy, electricity can kill you…seriously are we in a new world order where we if we have to micromanage every bit of someone’s life so they “get hurt” or “suffer?”

When I was a child I learned to swim without an instructor, but with a lesson of “sink or swim.” (thanks Dad) But seriously, “sink or swim” is one of the very best lessons I have ever had and I can apply this to most of my life situations. If you research the metaphor it now applies to some mental health notion of managing life on your own without help, but I don’t believe that there is a single person in the world that could not benefit from mental health support. So I will focus on the implication that life is hard and learning to solve everyday life problems will absolutely help you solve bigger life problems.

Before the fingers start pointing, and accusing me of being harsh, I will state to you-“life is harsh” and the reality is, there are more people in the world who lack the skills to solve life riddles now more than ever! I read some research a few years back noting we will have a whole generation of humans that were protected by “parents who suffered and didn’t want their children to suffer.” The parents noted their regrets for this reaction to their trauma and not wanting to create harm to their children and now, look what we have.

Problem solving is a basic life skill that NEEDS to be taught! Come on parents.

Ugh.

~WM~

Categories
Uncategorized

“How Do You Measure Up…”

How do you compare yourself to others and how does this affect your sense of self worth? In my late 20’s I measured my worth based on my job importance, such as “am I making a difference,” “do people respect me,” and (the big one) “am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing?” In my late 30’s the measuring stick changed to “am I making a difference,” “am I happy/fulfilled,” and “do I respect myself?”

Now I focus on – “is what I’m doing still fulfilling,” “am I doing a good job parenting,” am I being authentic?” The latter of which is the most important to me. This is because I want to feel peace in all parts of my life. I want to have integrity for me, not for anyone else. Because I feel strong in my sense of self I’m able to model this for my children and the people I serve. I bring myself a profound sense of genuine peace being authentic.

When asking others how they measure their worth I’ve received an interesting and consistent response of “I don’t know.” Money, career, family, fame…the consistency of being told how “they’ve never really thought about that” tells me we are not teaching people how to love a fulfilling and meaningful life, yet we know that not living in this life leads to substantial risk for alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling addiction, pornography addiction, high risk relationships or sexual behaviors…the list goes on.

When I ask people about this I generally ask “what makes them unworthy” because this is the strongest feeling and thought about themselves they have. Then I ask them to identify the facts to support this belief. Shockingly (or not shockingly to some) they have very few facts to support this belief. An even greater discovery is that it has been external life events that they use to reinforce this belief!

The examples typically given are:

  • “My partner broke up with me” so this means I’m not good enough. It’s not because they’re incompatible or anything….
  • “My parents beat me,” so I must be bad. The abuse is about the abuser not the person abused.
  • I didn’t get the job I wanted…
  • I don’t have as many friends as…
  • I don’t make a lot of money…
  • I can’t get organized in my life…
  • People won’t help me anymore…

There’s a pattern here if you see it. I don’t get what I want so I must not be worthy (not a fact, but using thoughts and feelings). We are not owed anything and it’s our responsibility to challenge these distortions, and if we are miserable in life we have a responsibility to get help and not be a burden on the systems of others. Talk to someone who will help you identify these patterns and challenge them.

I really wanted a promotion one time. I was promised by one of my favorite people I was up for it. Not getting that promotion was a wonderful lesson for me. Although I told myself this was going to be a meaningful lesson at the time, I didn’t believe it. But I knew telling myself it would be helped me feel less like a piece of worthless human trash. I am very thankful now because I may still be at the job not feeling fulfilled, I wouldn’t have healthy kiddos, and I know I wouldn’t have the human who was molded just for me.

So ask yourself now…”how do I measure up?”

~WM~

Categories
Uncategorized

Trigger…

It’s been so long since I’ve written more than a progress note that I asked myself why and discovered that I have not had the energy and I have not been compelled to. Until right now.

Recently life has been ebbing and flowing in a lovely energy with the exception of a few third and fourth circle life problems. The snow is heavy, the work is the same, and the love I have in my world is profoundly a huge part of why I have a sense of balance.

Then last night discussion about how male versus female treatment in the world is calculated based on sex. The conversation alone was a typical one. The fact that if a boy gives a girl a flower it’s encouraged, but if the girl gets the flower “a dad/mom gets their gun.” I know people make jokes about this and it’s funny. But there is this early value we demonstrate to girls that might be an issue.

Passing that it was a hard discussion because I personally know what it’s like to be “valued” and be a “good and pretty girl.” All the feelings of being touched by a predator came flooding in and I was not prepared to sort them out the way they needed to be. All my insecurities and confusion about what’s “right and wrong” with what was being done to me in those moments and how they have affected me my entire life kicked me in my gut.

I slept a for shit, I have a crazy day, and I don’t want to do anything but allow my soul to find peace and quiet. However, it’s not a possibility without creating serious problems for others. So I will move forward feeling strange and asking myself the questions and honoring my feelings and fears giving myself as much space as possible. Like writing this. This was helpful.

Please take care of yourself through the volatility of our times. Take time to love yourself and others as much as possible. ~WM~

Categories
Uncategorized

Life is good.

Site icon
Life is good.
Categories
Uncategorized

Reflections…

This past week has brought upon me a week of considerable emotions. Happiness, grief, pride, love, loss, and does not end even as I write this sentence I’m feeling everything all at once until I taste my coffee, then it’s back to gratitude. Then the cycle repeats itself.

I’m confused about the increase of emotions, especially since I’ve been excited about the holiday and the new year as my career is doing great, my humans are healthy and quite happy, and we’ve recently been able to spend time with love ones in the Midwest.

I’m recalling conversations with clients that do something like this- “my life seems so great but I can’t shake the negative emotions.” In my mind I would quickly challenge their efforts to stay in that mindset and what it’s doing for them and they, thoughtfully, would state various reasons, but the one I know for sure is always running is -if “I don’t remember the pain and grief, I’ll forget them.” It host like a freight train when I consider my “own feedback.”

The grief is like a badge that isn’t a badge at all. It’s a feeling of tightening in my chest, ache in my heart, and longing for my past when we had traditions and routines for the season. They were safe and we/I long for them sometimes. Especially, this past week. I reached out to my supports and it made it worse. I felt like I was reinforcing my grief with pity or commiserations. Ugh. A horrible cycle.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone-but I worked anyway yesterday. I forced myself to be “normal” and it was uncomfortable. I didn’t allow myself space to honor my process or my feelings. I cried privately in stolen moments of peace. I sobbed in my shower so the spray covered up the noise, and I barely used any skills to decrease the feelings. Why? Because it kept me in my space of grief.

Asking myself the why initiated this blog. What did focusing on my grief do for me or for the energy I put out into the world? Nothing good. So I choose to not wallow and move forward today. I will practice honoring my sadness when it shows and let it flow out of me without judgement or holding on to it. I will focus on gratitude, love, and hope for the new year and refocus when I feel myself slide.

We have suffered the last few years but we don’t have to focus on the losses when we can focus on the gains but remember those we love. Remember how much they loved seeing us succeed and held us up when we stumbled or struggled. I choose to focus on moving forward just like Mr. Disney encouraged…

I pray you all have an amazing end of the year and a prosperous 2023! ❤️💜WM

Categories
Uncategorized

Know your whiskey!

Site icon
Know your whiskey!
Categories
Uncategorized

“Gratitude Saves the Day…”

Often (like almost everyday) I wake and think about the long list of “do’s” I have for the day, the week, the month, the upcoming trip, the holidays, school and the list just flows in my mind until I’m so overwhelmed with all I have to do. Unfortunately, this sets the mornings mood and really only recently I have been able to recognize when I’m folding inward and wanting to runaway and avoid my “do’s.”

In the past it’s made me feel insecure and overwhelmed with the requirements of being “on” and doing “all the things.” In the past few months while learning to juggle a full time job, and a growing part time job, as well as being a full time mom, and a full time partner I’ve realized I need to recalibrate my balance I previously had before the part time job successfully took off.

When I was growing up I was very aware that money made the “world go round” and we were simple people but like everyone else we had bills that struggled getting paid. I remember when I wrote letters to Santa asking and praying for bills to be paid for Christmas. I learned the truth about Santa and felt terrible my parents had to read those letters because now I know as a mom if my kids worried about paying bills it would be devastating. As it is they understand how much I work and that if I didn’t work like I do they’d have less. They also know themselves how hard it is to make money with an allowance…chores keep the toys on the floor. 🙄

However, as I make the lists of “do’s” in my mind I can see the coins in my bank account deteriorate for needs, and I want to work harder for my wants. Vacations do not pay for themselves and in those sudden thought I’m reminded of my “why.” My “why” for working is to pay for my needs and wants. Without my needs being cared for I couldn’t have my wants. Then I focus on gratitude for being able to take care of the needs. Today my car is getting winter tires, head and tail lights, some weird car sound in the back being taken care of, in addition to a new fridge before the other goes kaput…finding one in post Covid is an absolutely unicorn and again the list…birthdays, thanksgiving, Christmas!

My gratitude can be challenged by the “but this and that” game, however, sitting here in my comfortable home with my loved ones fed and warm, and my lazy fur beasts at my feet I use my gratitude to challenge those negative thoughts. My mom guilt tries to slowly creep in and I tell myself “nope.” I am a good mom, a good partner, and I serve those who need it. I will not listen to my negative narratives telling me “all of my things.” I will drink my coffee, lay on my couch (which I want to replace) and try to relax and feel calmer, more accepting, and tolerate my overwhelming gratitude I feel in this moment.

~WM~

Categories
Uncategorized

“What Are You Telling Yourself…”

Recently there has been a rash of common sense and logic shine through when I have asked my humans, “what did you hear me say” which will allow me to know if the message I am hoping I am giving is actually being received. Next I ask, “what are you telling yourself about what I said.” Asking this helps me understand what may lead to their “overthinking,” over reacting, feeling insecure and possibly leading to the blaming of others for their negative outcomes.

I ask questions that note if they are justifying, minimizing, blaming, or making themselves feel small? If so, I ask more questions! Then we discuss how this behavior can be sabotaging and can reinforce unhealthy thoughts and negative core beliefs about self, others, and the world. Thus, allowing one to not be responsible or accountable for the outcome or any behaviors that lead up to the outcome.

We have all done it. Period. For me, it was and still is about needing to have control of EVERYTHING to be safe and protect myself from others. HOWEVER, as it turns I only reinforced the lies “I have to be safe,” “I don’t have any control” etc… but once I had the mental flexibility to take a step back and ask myself what I was telling myself, I was able to be more aware of when I told myself the lies, and then ultimately challenging myself when I told myself the lies.

So how did I do this? Remember the “shoulds, never, always, and every time?” I had to focus on challenging this argument and decrease the shame and fear when I let others take the lead by calling bullshit on my internal dialogue…”I need to be right,” “I need to be liked,” “I need to know that no one is speaking badly about me,” “I need to be safe,” “my family’s wellbeing is dependent on this,” and again the list goes on and on…the worst lies kept me in the most unhealthy relationships. Which goes without saying that this put my love ones in unhealthy situations.

Back to the logic and exciting part…once people started doing this I have been able to witnesses those around me achieve a base operating system that gives them a stronger foundation in their hierarchy of needs. They admit to the themselves they have been leaning towards the negative outcomes, their automatic negative self talk, and a build up to their eventual demise. However, when they are willing to challenge the negative beliefs they are able to meet healthier “clock marks.”

I beg of you to ask yourself what you are telling yourself that feeds that negativity and start challenging that behavior with feeding the healthier wolf!

~WM~

Categories
Uncategorized

A Change May Do You Good…

Why is change so hard for people? Moving forward/on, growing and learning, changing jobs/relationships….why is it such a struggle for people to handle change and what does this say about our own security or insecurity? The world changes, our circles change, people change jobs and people relocate for new jobs or adventures.

How many times have we said “I can’t wait to get back to normal” during Covid, or the loss of loved ones, when kids are out for holidays, or after a vacation? I get it. I was recently on a trip and couldn’t wait to get back to my structured routine of work, kids, human, sleep…however, something I caught myself doing triggered a question about why I wanted to be back home and in my routine.

While traveling I forgot things, I was not getting my usual somewhat healthy diet, I was relying on others, and plans changed all the time, all of which required my brain to be on duty and flexible making it hard to stay present and really enjoy my time. As I was processing this more through the lens of greatness aka Woodford Reserve (thank you airport hotel bar) I realized discomfort from change really extends into the realm of the hierarchy of Maslow’s pyramid…

Physiological needs are something that is better done in a place we feel comfortable. When change is occurring all around us it’s hard to make sure all needs can be met in a reasonable timeframe, reliance on being able to secure food, shelter, water, and housing can be stressful during travel. Add some clothes/shoes shopping to that mess and you have the whole first level of that damn pyramid. Again-all being done out of the comfort of our space.

That’s the first level. The second level is more about jobs and health which it’s healthy for people to change jobs about every three years before they settle into ‘the’ job and start climbing the career ladder. However, for people stay at a job being “unhappy, unmotivated, toxic, or grow resentful” and they choose to never change their situation perhaps they should ask themselves, “why” they’re afraid to change their lives. These people generally lose friends(possibly loved ones) due to this behavior and those relationships retained or maintained create a “co-dependency” relationship. Ugh.

That’s the bread and butter of this blog. Moving forward without the requirement of enmeshment. Enmeshment is a serious problem in our cultures. It promotes a poor sense of independence and loss of identity when a loss occurs. What this looks like varies but the experience is the same. There is an inability to thrive well without being near the relationship, we professionals use the word parasite/symbiotic…I refer to the scientific documentary “Venom” and “Venom: Carnage” as a great way for people to get some perspective.

Everyone has had or has a relationship in which they are closer to one person than all others. If not, that’s a whole ‘mother thing that needs to be addressed. However, if you perceive to have many symbiotic relationships and you replace those relationships over and over with shiny and new relationships as the others are lost no matter the reasons, then I encourage you to explore this in therapy or at the very least be aware when it’s happening and ask yourself why.

Again. We all crave a sense of comfort, sense of belonging, and being with our humans. However, if you replace, grow resentment for, and overall challenge your identity when you “suffer loss” it’s time to work on that and ask why.