“No Is a Four Letter Word…

As a therapist, a mother, and an ex to at least one or more people-I know that being told “No” is a four letter word. One of my friends referred to being told no as “vitamin N.” Which, interestingly is something we all need to be injected with routinely so we learn to manage our thoughts and emotions when denied what we desire.

But alas-the entitlement runs deep and is reinforced by the “I deserve and it isn’t fair” generation. Delayed gratification and hard work seems to have gone by the wayside as the participation trophy mentality takes over to reinforce the beliefs that “I tried to do it, so I am owed something.” At this point I usually see humans act as “passive participants,” in their own life. They believe that life is “just happening to them and they have no control…

If one feels out of control, they usually do whatever they can to “feel some type of control” which, in my vast experience is a lot like a child when they throw a tantrum when they don’t get chocolate milk with their dinner. Now, picture this, adults with access to weapons (this includes their words), poor impulse control, poor emotional self-regulation skills, and a strong sense of entitlement and feelings of self-righteousness. Sound fun? (that was rhetorical) When I read the description to some friends, they insisted I was describing a prison population.

When we use the word deserve, should, always, never, and fair with humans, a sense of entitlement is formed. A healthy level of expectations may be healthy at times and can be useful to be assertive when communicating needs, i.e. to request raises, when communicating needs in relationships, expectations of behavior of children or employees. An excessive (any amount that creates the belief you can act with aggression and/or violence if you do not get what you feel you are owed) level of entitlement can lead to mass shootings, political violence, work place violence, and domestic violence.

USE the word NO! Teach what the word no means…be okay with taking no for an answer. Learn skills to manage your negative emotions…look at the list below and identify some traits you may exhibit…

Do you have any of these tendencies.

1. You expect the same rules that apply to others shouldn’t apply to you.
2. You see your own interests as more interesting than other people’s.
3. You disregard rules that are intended for everyone’s comfort. For example, you ignore signs asking you to please not put your feet on the chairs at the movies.
4. You freeload. Everyone can minimize and justify taking the extra packets that’s why they put them out there, right?
5. You inconvenience others without thinking. Late much often?
6. You think it’s okay to upset or offend other people by saying whatever you want and throw the first amendment out like its parade candy. (BTW, that amendment only protects you from the government shutting you down)
7. You see people who like to keep the peace as weak.

Some tips to help manage those tendencies…

1. Take perspective
2. Sensitize yourself to how good it feels to promote other people’s successes. (not just people you like)
3. Ask yourself…what are some reasons the same rules that apply to everyone else should also apply to you? What are some reasons why keeping peace and avoiding upsetting or offending people (unless absolutely necessary) may be a better approach?

In my opinion there are at least two types of people who have entitlement tendencies; those who feel ashamed of their tendencies and feel motivated to change and those who see no reason to change. Which wolf are you feeding?