Because of Covid…I Lost My Mom

November 23, 2020 was a typical day. I worked at the office for a bit. I drove home and stopped at the store for thanksgiving groceries. While I was in the store I received a call that Mom was really sick and the ambulance was called. I knew mom had been sick with Covid and had FaceTimed a few times, but couldn’t get in touch with her for a couple days…

A plan to take her to the hospital was made and that was that. I prayed and finished my shopping quickly and tearfully, but I was in no way ready for the next call a few minutes later. Mom required CPR. Never had I imagined hearing those words let alone it actually being a reality. But there I was on the side of the road surrounded by beautiful mountain ranges and begging God to heal my mom and screaming as I tried to make sense of the world as I know it as it shattered around me.

Every hug she gave me, every “mommy loves you,” every time she showed up to see me perform, or when I was sick, or to visit after a long day at work, to pick up her grands to have overnight fun…flashed before my eyes and I knew. I knew I’d never get to hug her or tell her I loved her again.

I questioned whether or not I told her I loved her enough, or if I was kind enough…the past year had been rough due to the divorce. But recently I’d been able to reconnect and do more stuff with her again; for which I will forever be grateful. I was blessed (although at the time I was worried) to spend a week with her after I sold my house and I’ll forever be grateful for that. In fact, looking back I think that’s the way it was supposed to be…there’s always a plan.

After the second call we lived in fear for another day, then we received some hope from medical staff that she would pull through. On the same day we gained Hope our already fractured world completely disintegrated on November 26, 2020. Me and the littles were sitting on the tarmac waiting to fly to Missouri to “talk about comfort measures.” My sister asked if she could call, which I said to text cause it’s rude to be on the phone when it’s time to fly. She wrote, “how can I message this to you” and I knew.

I called her and she told me my brother made it in time to see her just as she passed. It was the absolute worst moment of my life. The person who gave me my life force was no longer alive. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Moms live forever!! She seemed so strong and always on the go. What am I going to do living in a world where my mom is not physically a part of?

My siblings and I earned and realized as we talked to one another that mom wasn’t as healthy as we had thought. While I was there she was so tired all the time. She took a lot of medications, and she worked so hard everyday for as long as she was able to work (her whole life). When Covid overcame her she didn’t seek medical care, possibly from her delirium from sickness and high blood sugar. Who really knows?

Mom and I talked about what “you only have one life meant” to her before I moved west. She said she understood and believed she had it covered with her family and friends, however, she didn’t have the “camper she always wanted.” She described taking the littles fishing and camping and became so excited when she talked about taking them to Montauk like she did with us.

Mom lived though. She traveled with all of us and spent as much time as possible with friends. I know she was sad when I moved away, but we talked and FaceTimed every day until she became too ill; for that I will forever be grateful. She was happy I was happy and the last thing she said was, “I love you baby.”

My brother gave me great advice today. He encouraged me to focus on work, family, and moving forward, but never forget how she loved us. I’ll add that I will be working harder (not that it takes much effort) to stay in contact with my brother and sister and their families every day. Because I want them to know I love them and that they are important to me and my family.

My heart hurts beyond measure as I wrote this so I leave with advice to all- live and love like you’re not guaranteed tomorrow. Because you are not…~WM~