Let me begin by saying this is a hard blog to write. Like, so fucking hard. I have recently experienced an emotion that I do not typically experience. Jealousy. I debated with how much to share and weighed the benefits to sharing the who and the situation. However, after carefully considering the people I care about and their responsibilities that I also consider responsibilities but in a lesser capacity, I will protect them by protecting the innocent.
Don’t worry though…I’ll describe the humiliating experience enough for you to know just how human I felt. Even beyond that…how I grew from it. So what happened? I was having a great day, the week was hectic, but nice and what felt normalish. Then I seen something that felt like a kick in the throat and stomach at the exact same time. I couldn’t breath and I was dizzy from not breathing, then nearly passed out. Frankly, the whole situation was humiliating and at the time, did not seem like it was worth feeling the emotion.
Because I am a firm believer that jealousy is a complete waste of time, I’m going to break some jealousy facts down. I’m going to focus on-what jealousy is, where jealousy generally stems from and what types of personalities are usually prone to become jealous. Then some steps to work through it.
Most people understand jealousy as “coveting what someone else has,” “wanting but not receiving attention from someone because the person is focused or distracted with someone else,” which may lead the person asking themselves what is wrong with them. These are the basic and the most frequent reasons for feeling jealous.
As noted in the previous section, the why is important for those of us who are uncomfortable with feeling jealous. We need to figure out what happened, where did this feeling come from and how the hell did it penetrate our walls. For most people jealousy will stem from an insecurity. I’m not different. In this situation, the crack in my walls began to get bigger due to the amount of vulnerability I allowed myself to feel with this person. In addition to the bond and sense of trust created as we got to know one another.
Our relationship has been built on trust and being honest with one another. In fact, after the incident, I informed them of what had happened and I have been dealing with it since then. The extended humility comes with being around the person almost daily while forcing me to question any emotion that came up during interactions.
Then putting myself out there even further and having a door slammed shut and encouraged in a way that wasn’t meant to sound like pity, but felt like pity, felt fucking awful. My reaction was to put that giant wall up. To protect myself from further weakness and vulnerability. But I had to remind myself that there isn’t a timeline for the these things…I felt completely powerless. But I really wasn’t.
When dealing with these feelings I mean, rebuilding walls that were penetrated and figuring out how to not complicate one of the most complicated friendships I’ve ever known. I’m not sure what it meant to that person when I told them what had happened except an appreciation for the honesty and the trust it took for me to tell them. For me it felt like weakness. I hated giving another human that power.
For most people, as recorded throughout history, this “green eyed monster” has been a motivator to destroy other humans in some way. (“If I can’t have what I want, no one can.”) This has been true for love, business practice, state power, religion, money, and human control. For me-it’s not different except, it’s different. I want what I want, however, how do I know it’s what I want? Do I listen to logic, that stupid thing in my chest, or is it possible to listen to both to balance the negative emotions and achieve acceptance of the situation?
My jealousy stemmed from me caring about someone combined with the realization that because of other very complicated details-it feels like there will never be a “we.” Period. It feels awful. It gets worse. I don’t feel as though I was given a choice in the setting of limits related to the complications of our relationship. It feels, and to the best of my recollection, as though the decision was made and once again I have to go along with it because I won’t hurt innocent people.
My personality is not one that succumbs to envy, greed, or jealousy. Notice I left lust off the list…because I’m human you know. But many people who have codependent personality traits, borderline personality traits, significant trauma related to attachments and creating bonds, and a history of sexual/physical abuse tend to have a strong behavior reaction when they feel jealous.
The personalities mentioned above, are generally insecure and need validation from others which creates their sense of self-worth. They use external sources to tell them they have value and worth (which sometimes is great) versus being able to believe when/if they tell themselves they are worth it. Most of the time, after years of struggling to gain acceptance from others and still not achieving ashy genuine self love, they learn and tell themselves, “they are not lovable.”
Although I have trauma related to sexual abuse, I was fortunate to create a healthy sense of self. Through my journey thus far, I know where I come from, where I’ve been, where I presently am, and I have goals for my future. Knowing these things about myself helps me process strong emotional reactions (positive and negative) and I’m able to problem solve and figure out my next steps.
So what are my next steps? I really want to build that giant fucking wall. HUGE wall. But I’m not. Right now is what is happening and I’m not going to let some shit moment rule out or control my life outcomes. I said it before, I will live and experience life through pain, suffering, and all the happiness it throws at me.
I will not tell myself that I am powerless. I will remind myself of my humanity and use humility to grow and be a stronger human that my friend needs. I won’t pull away and slam a vault shut. I will remind myself of the love I offer and I will try not to use justification or rationalization to avoid or write off what I am experiencing. I’m going to live through it damn it.
FYI- the person referred to in this blog, reads the blog. Imagine that for a moment. They know most of what is written. I have zero qualms with this person knowing the real and genuine me. Imagine a world where we didn’t have to hide from the scary feelings and even when not reciprocated at times, we still work out our differences and move forward. That is why I write. This is real life. Passion, pain, sleepless nights, and whiskey conversations. Who is the real project here… “Me thinks it’s me.” ~WM~
Whiskey Momma 