I Have Enough Fucking Friends, Right?

The past few months have been very interesting. I have spent time with people that have somehow penetrated “THE” wall that few have rarely been able to accomplish. I have many people in my life and that I spend time with and I relate to on many levels, however, becoming emotionally involved with someone takes significant commitment.

When I was asked how this happened, initially I laughed it off and flippantly considered what may have lead up to this change. On a night when I should have been more focused on working, my subconscious was quietly rolling the question around the roulette table in my head. After considerable sleep disruption at 11:46pm, 1:24am, 3:57am…and ultimately waking and staying awake at 5:00am, I think I have identified some fundamental bricks that make the layers of my friendships.

I’ll start by explaining I was recently in a training and had to complete a genogram type project indicating who I’m especially close to and who I have in outer rings or boxes depending on the type of relationship. I sat there and stared at this project and became, along with a colleague, that is a longtime friend(“Tiana”) a little troubled with what we had designed. We texted one another from across the room and shared our concerns and sadness for how limited our circles were.

Initially, to me this meant I have a glaring trust issue. My argument was sound in defense of my circle, and I had every reason for having the wall up and not allow anyone to penetrate (I love this word apparently)it. This justification was reinforced further by telling myself “I’m happy with my friends and family, and I don’t need anyone else squeezing into my emotionally vulnerable zone.”

This worked until reality set in and I really processed the sadness I felt looking at the circles. Tiana and I told ourselves the reasons/excuses/bullshit of why our circle remains small i.e. “how we grew up,” “how we’ve been treated,” and blah, blah, blah…but we are lying to ourselves. So hard. So bad.

One of the interesting parts of the timeline for this new information being thrown at me and essentially mindfuck me is I am in a deadly line of fire with new found friend possibilities. New opportunities to create genuine and intimate friendships. But first, how do I know who is the “real deal” and who is “outer ring” material? Hmmmm…should there be an application process? Background checks? How does this shit work out in my favor??

This amazing process felt and continues to feel natural, almost like I’ve done it my entire life. I’m not saying I do this with every person I meet. I have determined a process of who gets to have this relationship with me based on “where I may be that day.” If I’m having a bad day or a bad moment, I’m not in a place to feel empathetic because I have to process my day. I will make time for someone in crisis, however, I compartmentalize the persons story so I don’t absorb all the emotions and I’m able to help them through the crisis.

Oh Krissy! There ya go again over analyzing and getting into your head. The first thing I did, is just listen. Just listen and let them tell me who they are by asking clarifying questions when they tell me their stories. I didn’t think about what I was going to say next when they were speaking. I felt empathetic for their sorrows and grief, I felt joyful when they shared their happy stories, and when they were angry, I was angry with them.

The question posed by this person who made me lose sleep…”how is the big wall penetrated?” A person must be able to or is:

* To consistently demonstrate genuine integrity (Avoids lying, criminal activity (except speeding, there’s a club I’ve started for that), and no cheating (unless it’s cards or a board game).

* An independent thinker…

* Can calmly agree to disagree, after listening to multiple perspectives

* Must be funny, I cannot carry the show, I mean I could, but it’s funner with more than one funny person

* Is nonjudgmental, but can give critical feedback

* Is selfless (I find many don’t it make past this mark) I’m not saying you can’t care for and about yourself. But I prefer the person who’d give their shirt off their backs and not have the need to tell everyone about it…besides, you’re shirtless, you should be grabbing another shirt not talking about it on Facebook/Twitter/instagram

* A person who can sit back and not have to say anything. They just sit there, look at me, and we know. We just know.

* Is able to enjoy and like different things than I do. I’m a Gemini and I get bored with all my stuff and want new and different! Bring your A-Game!

* MUST have Sarcasm Skills- This is a big one. You can’t just be sarcastic, you have to bring your skills of knowing “who, what, when, where, why, and always the HOW.” It can’t be hate related, unless it’s your ex, kids and animals are absolutely off limits! Unless your kid is a real asshole!

* Must be humble (another one folks will struggle with) there are lots of folks who have suffering egos that feel entitled to be assholes because of one reason or another. I don’t care who you are. If you’re an asshole who thinks you’re better than everyone else because of your god or hero complex- go find a mirror and have fun, leave me the fuck alone. I don’t care to talk to you beyond niceties.

* You MUST be LOYAL! I know this seems to speak for itself, but, let’s just clarify this term for a minute. Loyal- “giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution.” This can be interpreted in different ways by different people based on their need. For me it means: Firm-when I’m being ridiculous and over emotional-call me on that shit with a glass of whiskey or wine…constant-no matter how far apart or how long its been since we’ve talked, when shit his the proverbial fan you reach out, with whiskey or wine…and finally allegiance- you better not talk out both sides of your mouth about me or anyone else. I always find out. If my ex wants to hug you, you better walk away.

What are your check marks for creating friendships or beginning new romantic relationships? Do you use the same check marks?…I believe you might want to consider this as a possibility. Friendships can create healthy foundations for romantic relationships. But, I caution you to go into a friendship with one sided knowledge of it leading to romance. Be honest with the person you are creating any relationship with, otherwise you aren’t being honest with yourself.

Before you begin any new relationship, explore where you are with your relationship with yourself. Do you like and love yourself? If you can’t say yes to either liking or loving yourself, you may want to consider talking to someone about this. Having self-worth and being able to identify your personal value is a vital ingredient to having healthy relationships.

If one person struggles in this area, the relationship can become unbalanced and can lead to resentment and the person seeking other ways to feel validation and fill a void. If both people struggle in this area the relationship is unhealthy from the start and can become dangerous. Talk to someone if it becomes dangerous. Talk to me! I can point you towards a resource.

I wish I had known more about relationships before I got myself into unhealthy ones…hindsight and such. I will try to use this moving forward and hope my heart paces itself with my brain. So if you’re my friend remind me of my markers!