The “Judgement” of a Divorce

I have recently experienced a series of people criticizIng (at least that’s what it felt and sometimes feels like) different aspects of the separation/divorce and some people have input on how I live my life.

I have been told that people are “worried” and believe that “I am not talking about” what is happening in my life, which translates to “not dealing with,” “being self-destructive,” or even “not focusing on” my responsibilities.

At least one person has said I “haven’t opened up to them,” which this is correct. However, opening up to someone doesn’t mean that I am not talking about it someone who is helping, it simply means I am not opening up with you. I realize this may be hurtful and will address why later in the blog.

From my perspective, there are people who are sincere and want to help. The person noted above, is that person. Unfortunately, not everyone falls into that category. There are those who do care, however, they are also very critical (although they may not be aware of this) and at times, can be unforgiving. They have some experience with divorce and want to offer feedback, however, sometimes-unsolicited advice is not helpful.

I also have to deal with those who want details for gossip purposes. I HATE GOSSIP. I HATE DRAMA. You will not be in my life. If I talk to you about my life, it means that I either know what I may tell you will be discussed (sometimes this is a strategy) or I trust you implicitly to not judge, to question in a supportive and no bullshit way, and I value your opinion based on your life experiences.

Divorce is a private loss for me that, even if it isn’t you who I am talking to, it is being discussed with those who can be the most helpful during whatever phase the divorce may be in…

What does this mean for you??? Maybe you are asking and questioning our relationship, or maybe you’re mad or hurt because you don’t feel like I’m letting you in. The truth is, if you are in my life and have loved and cared for my family in any capacity, you are grieving or even angry. You may be grieving for me and the littles, or for the dear ex. Or you may be angry for what is happening…

This is on you…you will have to figure out your relationship with him. Will you learn to forgive as I have, or will you hold a grudge? Either way, should you interact with him in a way that causes him stress, this causes me stress and I have to deal with the aftermath. I know some of you are thinking, “why the fuck does she care.” Wait for it…

Because, although we are divorcing, we have TWO responsibilities that need two thriving parents. Sure kids can “survive a bad marriage and divorce” however, wouldn’t they be better to have both parents who can successfully work through the demise of a marriage and be good co-parents??? Hmmm. The answer is YES.

I have worked with hundreds of people who are the product of broken homes, some of which, their parents were really shitty and focused on themselves during the break up of their marriage. UGH! I won’t be that parent. It is our responsibility for them to be good citizens. I will do the best I can, and then it’s on them. Seeing their parents suffer may be a part of their lives, but will not be a way of life for them. They will learn to persevere through hard times and learn to be better because of their adversities because they saw mom do it.

Life is not always easy (it never has been and never will be), and learning to communicate better than before the separation/divorce is so fucking hard. I scream, I rant, I complain, I kick, I punch, I work, I sing, I play, and I love. I love all who care and want to support. The love and support is overwhelming. One day I may feel worthy of such love…but today, I just need to do this one day at a time and with the people I may need on that day. I am busy. I am working, running with the kids stuff, and taking care of my mental well being better than I ever have before.

Divorce is yucky and has so much involved, please remember that it is also the death of one relationship, and if kids are involved, being forced into another relationship that most people are not taught how to navigate. There isn’t a book or manual…there’s only blind faith.