Why Ladies? JUST WHY?

My last blog came from an approach of the heart that shuts down when it is “crushed.” This entry will focus on different self-destructive behaviors that mostly women exhibit when they suffer the loss of a breakup. It should be noted there are men who also exhibit these behaviors and will be as destructive.

As a reminder, there are many who are hurt from various types and combinations of abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, emotional) that may occur in a relationship. My goal is not to trigger or shame them for their decisions to stay, if that’s the choice they felt they had to make, but to reflect on their patterns of choices they made and self destructive behaviors that may have ultimately effected more than just themselves.

When we finished the last blog we discussed men who shut down from heartbreak and often after they experienced this trauma they do not return to the “love” scene, but will play the “sex” scene. Meaning, they’ll have sex with multiple partners and avoid intimacy.

I was skeptical that this was a real possibility (even though there are movies that are made about this, i.e. “Playing It Cool”). But I’ll be damned if I didn’t see it “live in living color.” A special thunder cat I know, has told me many times he is open and honest about his intentions of being “only friends” and having “sex with no intimacy or feelings.” He has shared they become smitten(my words, not his-his were more graphic) and will stick around even when he tries to push them away.

Why doesn’t he just tell them to kick rocks you ask…supposedly he’s too nice. Which, he is, but…now hear me out for a second, he is having a sexual need met by a “non-intimate” partner is who obsessed with him, he has the control, and he doesn’t have to worry about his heart being broken. Win-Win, right? Um, NO!

Who is losing ladies?? He made his choice, no relationship, just sex! She wants love, romance, flowers, and heart shaped Jell-O shots. I met her…trust me, she’s more likely into Jell-O shots than Godiva chocolate. Anyway, I seen the desperation on her face as he completely ignored her for his phone. She was trying to play this role of “girlfriend” but no one was hiring for the part.

When I asked if my observations were accurate, my hypothesis was indeed accurate. Although, there is some relief that my observation skills are still top notch, I feel so sorry for this person. Why? Has anyone ever explained or taught her to value herself? What went wrong? Was it her previous relationships? Was it her low self esteem that allows her to settle for meager scraps of attention reinforced by intermittent engagements of gratifying sexual pleasure?

Unfortunately, I won’t know the answers of her “whys.” But I know the answers to some of our followers “whys.” “Ariel” has shared that her spouse was and still continues to be on some level, quite abusive.” Therefore, after their marriage ended she dated one or two times, but realized how traumatized she was by her marriage and divorce, she ultimately set up a measuring stick of requirements.

They are still in effect and she follows them to ensure her safety, mental well-being, and overall parenting style. The measures are not unreasonable however, as I’ve learned, matching ages with life experience often equals that those partners also have trauma. “Ariel” is satisfied with her checkmark system, and honestly, making sure there are commonalities in interests and parenting styles are on my list of requirements too.

Swinging back to the former woman I observed, I think it’s important to identify some serious consequences for accepting a “bread crumb” relationship. Remember a “bread crumb” relationship is a relationship in which you get attention depending on who benefits from the engagement (the person who usually benefits the most is the person offering the morsel).

The consequences of such a relationship are not limited to the following:

* One of the biggest reason is, when you have sex with this person and it is pleasurable, you reinforce the acceptance of negative behaviors. Think of this, Pavlov: Bell, Salivate, treat (maybe)…only for you it’s: Text/call, excitement/arousal/hope, attention/bootycall/Orgasm(maybe)

* If you have children they see this behavior. Oh, you hide it??? No you don’t. Unless your children are never around, they see it. You are teaching your daughter to accept this behavior as a standard and may have similar relationships. You are teaching your son that this is the way women are treated in a relationship. STOP!!!

* Overtime your self-esteem will deteriorate and you will continue to settle for partners that do not respect you or value you. In addition, you may not recognize a healthy relationship when one comes along!

* If you are in this type of relationship, you most likely have poor coping skills, i.e. excessive drinking, drugs, not just illegal ones, the over the counter and prescriptions that address anxiety and depression.

How insignificant do you think a person feels to live in a world where this type of connection works for them? What can people in these relationships do to change their patterns, make a different choice. Choose to not chase the guy who chooses to not chase you! Talk to someone about your negative beliefs about your self worth and low self esteem.

Ultimately, there is a significant risk for the person who chooses to stay in this type of relationship and has hopes for happiness, unfortunately, the risks outweigh the real possibility for long term happiness. I haven’t experienced the extreme version of this relationship, but I have been used and lead into a direction that I believed and told myself that “he will change,” and “if I do” blah, blah, blah…never again.

Make your own destiny. Choose you, choose to be a great parent, choose to do something different than being in in a “bread crumb” relationship.

I’m going to slip in one last line…if you want to break the cycle, don’t reinforce it with sex.