Ugh. Feelings. Scary AF

Hello, my name is Krissy, and I’m a pathological avoider of strong emotions. Especially any feelings or direct questions related to and/or that may threaten my sense of security, ability to deflect, and/or run away. In the event I feel or perceive (real or make believe) that any of the above may occur or is in the process of occurring, I will use every tool in my arsenal to attack.

I recently made a oath (because of the nature and who it was with, it may as well been a blood oath) to be open, honest, and nonjudgmental when we talked about our lives (trauma, feelings, thoughts, & feedback). Which, for both of us is a difficult and painful act.

As this is my side of the events, I can only express my side and some of the reinforced (by the other party) perceptions that I had during the incident which occurred. This is my painful admission in which I believe I hurt someone I profoundly care for, in addition, a person that has been able to meaningfully engage and challenge my bullshit. (Which meets one of the above qualifiers)

Just writing this feels raw and I’m trying to find ways to avoid demonstrating how weak and flawed I am, which I realize is the human thing to do, but I take it to a new level of avoidance. However, the point of this entry and most of my entries, is to expose my emotions and learn to grow from my insecurities in hopes it will help me develop more trust and to be more vulnerable to let others inside. (To be fair I trust no one. Ever. But I made a promise to try)

The simple version (Which means I wrote this out at least 5 times and then made it more simple) is that I began to feel like someone was getting “too close” and was able to decipher my bullshit. Worse yet, I felt like he could see the real me that is flawed, scared, and often sad. What did that mean to me if he saw this part? Better yet, what does it mean to me for me to acknowledge my own emotions?

When I was laying the foundation of bullshit down, he asked, if “I was setting boundaries or building walls.” Which made me physically ill instantaneously. Fuck you. I felt cut open and like someone was rolling around. When I told him how I was feeling he generously offered to give me time to “become more comfortable with him being in my head.” Which makes perfect sense and sounds smart, and also, the exact opposite of what I did.

What did Krissy do? Anyone? Yep. Please keep cutting me open and rolling around inside my head. I need it, I’m a masochist. Or was it possible I may have heard, “if you don’t let me in, I’m gone,” or maybe I heard “I’ll get closer?” Either way, I felt sick. He told me he’d stop and let me get more comfy, but I literally begged for more probing “julienne style” to my soul. Think Voldemort. He kindly shared a piece of his own pain in an effort to give me a break, which did take some of my suffering away for the moment. But the damage had been done.

I told him I needed it and that I trusted him implicitly. (Which is true, but I was terrified) He told me he was “glad, and knew it wasn’t easy,” and that “he trusted me too.” Which is a big deal. This guy trusts none. Then, wait for it…I started thinking. Which unfortunately, is sometimes not healthy. He “trusts me, why, what does he want” played like a tape in my head. I tried to challenge the thoughts. It didn’t work.

For me it’s more scary to be emotionally intimate with someone than sexually intimate. No seeing the real me, or learning more than what I’m comfortable or capable of sharing. Sex is easy. It’s flashy, distracting (in the moment), but intimate emotions, that’s the big time, and is scary AF.

Then somewhere between two hours and him asking me how I felt about dear ex’s “moving day,” I had emotionally escalated to defcon 1 and blasted him. I used information that I heard that had made me feel sick with fear. Trust. I’ve tried to trust so many people(because they said I could) and it ended so badly. (Surely I don’t need to give examples) So I asked specific questions using my “therapy bullshit” then I slammed him and accused him of something that, in the moment, I had no right to do. Especially since it was not for the purpose of being helpful.

I had subconsciously and automatically planned for a battle to turn his ability to see through me and my defenses, and I was given the weapon to twist and bastardize to my advantage. Then I attacked. In my mind my safety, security, and trust were in jeopardy. (Irrational) I told myself “this guy manipulated me into trusting him and somehow I’m going to suffer from agonizing pain.” I did this for a million little reasons and one very big reason. FEAR!

His response was more of a reaction and it was short, to the point, and had a sharp double edge and venomous point. The edges of the blade were his suffering, the tip of the blade was my suffering. Which, I brought upon myself by my own fear of just talking about it. My history of bullshit, dealing with liars, and being used had caught up with me and was driving the amygdala; which is not good.

After the last message there was significant radio silence. Which is rare. I assumed he was tending his flock. Then the next morning rolls around and I had received zero responses to my apologies. Which in a sense, was his response. This isn’t a “no news is good news” situation. This was devastating to my heart. Ugh. Yes. I realized it had emotionally affected me in a way that hurt more than any other negative event in my life. (That’s a lot right now)

I was in the middle of a crisis at home, and now a crisis with my friend. Emotionally, I was done. I wanted to hide and just wanted to walk (run) away. My feelings that I felt, felt more like a torture I’d never ever felt. I hated it. I hated them and I hated everything and most people I was around. I wanted it fixed. But had zero control over anyone else. Just me.

My words and manipulation were the “double edged sword,” not his words. In my mind, my words had sliced into the trust he had placed in me, and the support he offered, without judgment or criticism (no matter how hard I tried to find the negative in what he said)…I realized with shock and surprise, that I had hurt him.

WTF is wrong with me? I had hurt the one human who I had agreed to let in without limitations and expectations; even bigger, this was the person who had let me in. What is “in” exactly? Have you met me (you haven’t met him so let’s use me for an example). No one gets in this vault. Some think they’ve broken down barriers, however, like an onion, I have many layers of protection. No one has ever cut to the core and used it as a place to explore. Ever. Until now.

My belief about myself, that I’m too damaged and savagely broken to love or be loved is known and although disagreed with, it is accepted enough to not argue with me unless it’s like the second or third layer of the onion. This guy challenged it simply by asking a genuine and sincere question…and seeing right through the bullshit I normally tell people.

The next morning he let me know he was alive. Then slowly I began to receive more than one or two syllable words. I even received full sentences. Eventually, while trying to write out the blog about this incident I couldn’t do messages to explain my feelings or behaviors. I had to do this in person. OH SHIT.

Live and in living color-I observed him smirk/smile, look down (hiding), and then stare directly into the fire, when asked if I hurt him. Which ladies and gentlemen, indicates the act of being deceptive. Which could be a good sign, because it would validate the fact that I needed to apologize and learn how not doing this to him or others again. (I mean, there are times and places it’s appropriate though, right??)

So, I opened up (well, as best as I could in the moment). I talked about how jealousy is an emotion that I detest, and work hard to not feel and I even talked about my first memory of being jealous. I talked about my first heartbreak (just a little) and how the result of the heartbreak, in addition to illness, changed my life journey.

It felt good and I felt safe to share. I also felt uncomfortable, which we know change only occurs when one is uncomfortable. It was a good start and most likely needed to happen exactly the way it happened. Or not. I just want to keep moving forward and learn and grow from this relationship.

I received a significant amount of feedback from readers…minus the name calling, the feedback pointed out my efforts to build and keep building up walls will leave me lonely and alone. I agree and disagree. Walls and defense mechanisms may result in feeling lonely and/or being physically all alone, however, the biggest negative (and my biggest fear) is not experiencing life and a level of intimacy with someone that inspires, is supportive, and offers a soft place to fall.

I encourage you all to live your best life in every moment. Know where you have come from, what you’ve been through, where you are now, and identify goals to grow for your future. Our loved ones deserve this, and even more, you do too. I am making it my mantra to not hold my past against anyone else. I’ll have to repeat this, a lot, but I know it will help.