Who is the Real The Fixer Upper, ME or Them?

In a previous blog I mentioned a relationship “pattern” I was able to notice. (That’s what I do, I look for behavior patterns). I had realized the first boy I ever fell in “love” with “Flynn” was a hot mess. His step dad wasn’t exactly easy on him, and his grandfather, along with about every other family member had extreme expectations on this guy. Failure was not an option; And I’m pretty sure it never has been an option for him…

I felt pity for him. Stupidly, I thought, I could be enough (who doesn’t at 17). 🙄 Boy was I an idiot. He had a one track mind, well, sometimes…but, he got his success. However, things aren’t all they seem sometimes. More about him later maybe. On to the next damn fool, he was seriously damaged. Older, charming-I didn’t want to fix him. I only wanted him to be a fix, and he was…

But seriously, what is the deal with man children who have issues with their mommies, leaving the nest and being an adult, or being faithful? That is the list of every other mistake (man child) I ended up knowing in a biblical sense. Which, to be fair, not everything about everyone of them was a mistake. In fact, I learned a great deal from all of them.

Like, how to hide multiple relationships while being in a relationship. Which is not easy! In fact, I have had to learn how to ghost because it was getting ridiculous and time consuming. Twenty messages…all within ten minutes, too much!! Unless it’s from me…just saying. So maybe I didn’t learn how to be a player after all.

How about the next skill, blame the other persons behaviors for the extra relationship(s). (My personal favorite, because who wants to take responsibility for their actions, NOT ME!) I have tried, but for some stupid reason, I take responsibility, like, oh if only I would have done… blah blah blah. Yep. That’s me. All broken and damaged, all the time. Ugh!

So how did I fail at both these “lessons?” Why can’t I have multiple relationships or blame others for failed relationships? Ugh. Time for the “F” word! FEELINGS!!! I think I really may believe there is a “lobster” for everyone. Someone who knows the inner most you, all the muck, the shit, the pain, the suffering, and completely accepts it while still wanting to watch you in a personal porn video.

As for the blame. Don’t get me wrong. I hate telling anyone that I’ve made wrong decisions or that I was responsible for something serious that went south (haha catch that?) that caused significant damage or pain/suffering to anyone or anything. However, when I do accept responsibility, it FEELS like it’s the RIGHT decision and I learn from it. So I’m doing it now…

I’ve been told I worked too much and left my partner alone to bear the burden. Is that an excuse for their actions (no way), did they talk to me, nope (blame blame blame). But, and it’s a big BUTT, I am not always approachable apparently, unless you wear a spartan suit with a special cup for your sensitive parts (heart, soul, & genitalia). I get that. I work with a hard population, and it’s made me hard. It’s also made me aware.

I have recently put a “fixer upper” tag on guys that I have found to be annoying, needy, dramatic, lazy…sorry I have just seen a lot. But I’ve soon realized, I’m the “fixer upper.” Yep, me. I’m imperfect, which everyone is, but really, maybe I’m the one in need of clarity (which I know I am, feel sorry for poor Hook the great captain of mansplaining to a layman of men), experience, vision, and I needto make repairs.

With my new found clarity on my “fixer upper” status, maybe I’ll be more courageous when seeking the great pleasures of my life. Maybe I’ll take more risks with the hard, fist shaped, device that’s in my chest (aka my Grinch heart). Then maybe, just maybe, I’ll have a happy ending…or maybe they’ll all be a bunch of idiots who never listen. Who knows, either way…courage.