Turning the Page…

So, the first blog was nice introduction and a brief taste of some of what I’m going to write about. This current blog entry will be focusing more on the aftermath of losing a romantic relationship and how we search for rebounds and replacements.

BEWARE The following may get uncomfortable (this is where my brother should definitely shut down the blog). Just a reminder-the names are changed…to protect the seriously damaged and fucked up.

So-the day I found out my life was really a shit show- my first two points of contacts were to my amazing housekeeper (cause who can afford that shit now) and a client to cancel a session (probably some ethics to consider related to helping people when you are in a dissociative state). Both were amazing and supportive. In addition, the typical attempts to get childcare sorted to deal with the aftermath were made. Score.

Now I can deal with this shit with old fashioned revenge and Karma. But what I really did was a lot different. I told him what the next steps were, I went to my friends house and drank a glass of one of the finest bourbons they had, and took my kid to ninja class. Cause I’m a grown up and not my kids fault life sucks!

However, somewhere in the mix I messaged a friend, whom we will call “Hook.” “Hook” is a sexy and charming with a “nice guy” but “don’t get too close” persona, who has been treated terribly by “Wendy.” More to this story in a later blog…I told him what happened and in his own supportive way, he gave me recommendations for legal considerations. Why, you ask? Because, Hook was treated so badly (I mean broken hearted crazy shit), he understands the need to address the situation immediately and in an orderly fashion, versus drawing out the shit show. Except, what Hook is hiding behind his “orderly, don’t get attached to another human heart facade” is his pain and suffering. Which during this time of my story, is very helpful to me…

How do I know he’s suffering? I know this, because it’s my job to recognize these signs in others (why would I ever acknowledge this within myself, that’s dumb and may lead me to feeling vulnerable). Okay. I did recognize this in myself too. However, I chose not to acknowledge it or address it because it’s better to ignore the feelings and stuff them waaaay down. No one knows, right? I can make this look easy and just move on.

I used this denial to my advantage. I felt better knowing that if Hook can do it, I definitely could (he is a boy, right). Anyway-ugh… through some guidance of Hooks, I was able to compartmentalize all those silly feelings and move towards a different feeling. The Angst (which turned out to be excitement) of being single. Which turns out, many people (male people) were also ready for…they came out of the woodwork. Which was very vulturish…that is a clinical term BTW.

Being single at any age sucks (at least that’s what I’ve heard), but being single at the age of, ahem, 41! Ugh. Fuck. Then suddenly, it happened. This wave of attention that was unsolicited (mostly) and very straight forward. One guy, we will call him “Peter” because he was quite immature, and really needed to deal with some issues related to his relationship with his mother…amongst other deviant needs. He just knew “I was the one for him.” He professed his affection (not love) and proposed-after knowing me for TWO WEEKS!!

Next up-a really nice guy that needed a subtle reminder of how my relationship nose-dived. Easy. This one is a keeper…for someone else. This guy doesn’t get a fake name, for now.

Then. My friend, we will call her “Sara,” enlightened me with the woes of her relationship, in which she was being used as a human doormat. To be fair she seen most of this, but has lived in this world where women are not in charge of their own destinies. It’s like some lone trained her to be a robot and say “yes sir and no sir.” Which is fucking great if you’re married to a billionaire named Christian and carry zip ties around.

As Sara explained her history of love and what not (mostly the what not), I was cringing inside. I thought about how I had been independent my whole life and was the designator “fixer of men” (this is not a thing, just a self torture I did to punish myself for being too awesome). But, seriously, Sara is pretty, smart, and had a job. Isn’t that the criteria for catching Mr. Right?? Nope. It is definitely the criteria for catching “Mr. Who’s the next guy to screw me over.”

Sara was able to dump the leech that was sucking the life out of her, of course the blame game ensued from him. But I seen her texts, she rocked the limits she set for him. I was beyond proud and stoked for her. Then a thing happened. A thing that shook even me…she found another guy, had a great time, and he was a douche.

How is it that humans can be alive in 2019 and still use people for sex, and not connect on an interpersonal level (unless it’s a prearrangement for a good time only). How about this…you flirt, you find common interests, you talk more about really personal shit, and then you hook up. One half of the couple thinks it was amazing and there was a great connection. The other half got laid and has to be at work the next morning. Not having a care about the “what’s next.” HINT: the latter is not usually the female.

OKAY! If a hook up is a hook up, boom, that’s fabulous. But, unless it’s pre-determined to be a said hook up, there maybe some hurt feelings. No one wants to be used. I don’t. Unless it’s predetermined and super fun…

Both men and ladies can relate to this. Usually, because of poor communication, generally because they may be afraid to ask the questions that may result in not “connecting.” Such as, what kind of relationship is this going to be? What are our expectations? What keeps us from asking these questions? FEAR they are the same questions married couple don’t ask one another before like becomes the “upside down.” I know this, because it happened to ME. It may have even happened to you!

We tell ourselves a story in our minds. The story may go a little something like this (this is mine)…we are pretty people, with good jobs, two beautiful kids, world on a string, a housekeeper (cause that is super important to me…a house with a pool, close to schools and hospitals (again, super important to me because, well I am a bit accident prone). Everything is great. We love each other, we support each other, we go to church…

The real story is we talked about schedules, reminders, tasks related to kids, we did not laugh, joke, hold hands, spend time with each other, make an effort to make any of the relationship stuff a priority. We became roommates. Which leads me to look at my next steps carefully. For example, I want and demand that communication of wants and needs be a priority. If they cannot do that and are not willing to make the effort…NEXT. If your backbone is weaker than your self-esteem, NEXT. If you cannot see that I am not a fixer, but a supporter and maybe sometimes a nurturer, NEXT.

You maybe wondering how I can put all this onto another human…guess what, this is not my expectation for anyone else. This is an expectation or better yet, goals I have set for myself. These tasks are for my relationship with myself…

I am doing this by telling myself to speak up when I feel like my boundaries and limits are being pushed. I tell friends that they have VALUE and are amazing, because they are and I want them to know it. I make decisions that I feel profoundly confident in when the time is right. I also listen to the voice in my head and heart…even though it may really hurt. Ultimately, I choose courage to put myself out there in the arena.

I hope you enjoy this, in my next one I will be talking about a date…