Tag: whiskey

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Don’t Open My Burger…

During cocktail hour last night, while we were enjoying 1792 Full proof and Knob Creek 120 proof we were discussing our relationship and how good it is and why it works so well. We laughed because it’s philosophy is based on him opening his own burger…

In 2020 my human and I were driving across the country and drove through a Wendy’s to grab a quick bite. We both ordered burgers (his a junior deluxe, mine was a junior bacon), there were no differences in the wrapping of the burgers and his burger seemed pretty easy to manage to drive if it was opened for him, which I was happy to help with. However, when I attempted to open it for him he said, “here let me get it, you don’t know how I like it.”

This was interesting as I have opened many sandwiches, candy, chips, etc. for people I co-piloted with and there were only minimal complaints. So I watched to learn and see what magical process he had to manage his burger while driving. Little did I know that the magic wasn’t in the unwrapping, the magic was in the concept that he could do it himself and could manage his business without being reliant on someone, which then could and usually does lead to expectations.

We have talked about this so many times and laughed about it as we both agree that there is a necessity for autonomy in relationships. Co-dependency is so easy to fall into and it is extremely unhealthy. Not being able to act as an independent agent is unhealthy and will always lead to relationship problems. Money, food, chores, jobs, children, church/faith, vacations, leisure, and so many other matters fall under this umbrella.

I love spending time with my person. So much. He is my best friend. I never wonder or worry about where I stand in any situation unless I create a narrative in my head through my trauma lens or a core belief. HOWEVER, and this is a big however as you tell by the all caps…we both are aware of the internal dialogue beast, and when this happen, which it has only happened twice for me, I don’t make my crap his crap. He is completely honest about when he is off and if we need to address something we have already addressed it way before he maybe “feeling off.”

When he is off, I give him space and go on about my business. He doesn’t need to be coddled or prodded to tell me what “I did” and I know not to make his moment about me and my insecurities. He unwraps his own burger. We do not have unknown expectations on each other. We have basic humans in relationships rules, like “don’t cheat.” Pretty basic, but given human history we both wanted to make sure this was definitely a no go behavior! Basically, DO NO HARM is the core of our relationship with one another and others.

If we follow that, our human tendencies to try to control, when we feel like we don’t have control, or to react when we should take a step back and respond when it’s better and more calm continue to work for us. We support and validate one another when it’s appropriate, and challenge one another when it’s appropriate. We do so with respect and awareness of our motives (the why).

I know from two dead marriages, I was a part of the math that lead to their death. I did not want to be a part of another relationship with someone that made being single more appealing. If couples can learn to keep their individuality in their relationships without all the insecurities (which would benefit from dealing with in therapy prior to entering into a relationship) you could have a lifetime of happiness.

I wish everyone the best in their relationships, and I want to encourage those struggling to get into therapy right away. Medications are there for helping, and life skills are always important to learn to help us solve our problems or to manage distress in the moment…

~WM~

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Then There Was a Kink…

As I fly back to Missouri to pick up littles and say my “see ya soons” to immediate family I learn that a Covid scare is in the midst. It is extremely annoying for many reasons (mostly because it’s happened at least once since Covid started) but this time it threatens my perfectly laid plans to reunite my humans. In turn, makes more work, increases costs, and creates stress for so many…especially, the littles.

SO if packing up a 16 foot uhaul with two dogs (one who needed drugs, and she wasn’t a sharer) driving through blizzard conditions and getting stuck in Cheyenne WY because roads shut down when there is 8 inches of snow in ten hours time, driving incredibly slow speeds and being stalled on the highway for long periods of time doesn’t test the stress tolerance of a relationship, let’s throw this Covid curveball into the mix.

A long running pattern of these scares have been a torment for my psyche for years and I have fought to make sure the patterns do not spread to the next generation. But alas, we have it one more time, right up to the eleventh hour. Do I fly home alone, or with my littles in tow?

I’m praying with littles in tow, however, as always, when dealing with more than one player you have to have a plan, and an extra plan for the backup plan. Lord knows I’m mentally and physically exhausted, but let’s throw this extra hurdle in for good measure.

My human and I are fully aware that the universe is testing us and so far it’s losing cause we got game! Seriously though, maybe the real test…I thought I broke two door handles yesterday. Turns out I just need a YouTube tutorial on how to open door handles (Insert eye roll).

So. Will I be writing about the littles’ transition next, or will I be writing (whining) about how much I hate diseases and gross people and their spread of their diseases next? We shall see. We shall see.

To Be Continued…~WM~

When managing stress created by other humans-I would pair a beautiful whiskey that is at least 100 proof…I’m gonna use Knob Creek 120🥃

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Life is Too Short…To Wait or Waste

As most are aware I have sold the house and I’m moving to the mountains. Before the next leg of my adventure I am crashing at my mum’s house for a brief couple of days. I decided to take the opportunity to spend quality time with her and spent the day with her. We drove to a few places and shopped some, ate some decent cajun food, and talked about the upcoming move.

Of course she’s very saddened by the grand littles not being close to her, which I completely understand. But it became very clear to me that the phrase, “life is too short” is not a viewpoint many consider or apply to their world. My mom can choose to be sad AND be excited for the opportunity for me to be with the love of my life (which I think she is, especially since she’s more aware of what type of human he is) and also be happy for the littles and their adventure.

Let’s break down why life is too short beyond my story though. Let’s look at the “life’s too short” examples that have recently plagued our world…

  • The pandemic. Limited travel, thousands of family vacations cancelled.
  • Deaths. Not just the five people I have lost JUST this past three months, but hundreds of thousands from the pandemic.
  • Not being able to see loved ones in hospitals, nursing homes, etc…
  • I’ve heard people say-“one day” and “when I retire” that never reach their goals.
  • Cancer.
  • Having babies.

I feel like I could keep the list going but I don’t want to make this a negative blog. I want it to be inspiring and create hopeful feelings. I want you to walk away and think, “do I waste my time with, “some day” thinking and then settle?” Do you????

I used to settle. All. The. Time. I still do for small things from time to time. But those big things…why did I settle? Because that abuse monster rears its ugly head and says “you’re not good enough, “you don’t deserve,” and “you’ll never do any better.” But then, I confronted myself and my settling choices over the past almost two years now and thankfully I reached a point where I’m not going to settle anymore.

I wrote about settling awhile back and I have not looked back since (except to compare situations to not repeat). I will not accept that “I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve, and I can’t do any better” bullshit anymore and I’m spreading the word! I’m yelling it from mountain tops, well only about 6,500-9,000 feet elevation depending on the moment and location.

I told my mum, “LIVE!” Do it now. Because tomorrow is not promised. As I depart my current geographical position I’m being lovingly bombarded with requests to see me before I “am gone for good.” Two things there…1-you should’ve made more effort when I was local, 2-I’m not “gone for good.”

“Gone for good” is a terrible mindset for people to be in when people they care about are relocating. Technology is amazing. I know this because I found my true love two months before the pandemic became public, so FaceTime had been a great tool to stay present in someone’s world. “But you can’t hug!” Really?? You know I don’t like touching and covid has made sure touching is a no go.

We have watched movies, had deep and meaningful conversations, had hard conversations, hysterical laughing, crying, and sometimes just “looking into the soul” stares using FaceTime. I’ll add that we’ve celebrated anniversaries drinking the same whiskeys, and even cooked many meals together. We’ve had ninety percent of our dinner meals together using FaceTime and it works!

BUT now, is my time to not settle and I’m going to live my adventure in person with my human. Nine months of flying and driving, and FaceTime has been totally worth it…but now it’s time to not settle for technology. I only live once (maybe) and life is too short to not be with the person that brings me peace, joy, and love.

I also have a wonderful and exciting job I’m looking forward to that I got using Zoom! I have met everyone virtually and because of limitations of Covid and distance we worked with what we had. It was a great experience and I’m looking forward to my new opportunity.

I’m gonna end this by saying, live your dreams and follow your own path as long as you “do no harm to others.” Yes, people are sad for their in person time shortened with my move, maybe even a little angry-AND maybe they’ll see the positive for me and my crew and then apply the motto or mantra to themselves.

Life is too short to be with mean, unyielding, and unloving…❤️

~WM~

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We Give and We Give and We Give…

How much is too much to give of yourself? How many times have you asked yourself, “What is wrong with me, why am I not good enough?” I admit to doing this in the past, and sometimes it’ll rear its ugly head in ways related to the distancing and independence my little people try to exhibit (which is a great thing), but more so when I was being treated like shit by those one people.

I’ve been rolling the “I’m not good enough” (which is what makes us a victim) and the “why am I not good enough” around in my mind lately as many of my circle are feeling this burden. Even the ones that are keeping this pain in their lives. The rolling is persistent and it’s driving me crazy.

So here are my two cents…

“What is wrong with me” is a response to being rejected, and no one likes to be rejected, feel rejected, or even feel like they are not being placed first in the other person’s list of priorities. Which honestly, being the first priority in someone else’s life is not healthy…just as you should not have anyone else as a first priority in your life (we will get to that).

“Why am I not good enough” is a self defeating thought that we ask ourselves which reinforces the belief that someone else has the power to determine our worth. Ugh. We have literally given our self worth to someone else to tell us if we are good enough-IF they choose us then we are good enough, if they don’t, there is something wrong with us.

Both have implications of not having a sense of “Locus of Control” -Locus of control “is the degree to which people believe that they, as opposed to external forces, have control over the outcome of events in their lives.” BUT-we actually do have the ability to control if and when we give our control and power to others. AGAIN-WE HAVE THE POWER.

We tell ourselves it’s us that is the problem and that we aren’t good enough and then we finally get past that relationship and right on to the next one JUST LIKE IT!! We need to break the pattern. It’s not easy, but the practice can be as simple as this-telling yourself:

  1. I have value… make a list of what you believe your value is-think, what do I bring to the table…I help people.
  2. I have worth…which is different from value. I have integrity and I believe I can achieve my goals if I work hard enough!
  3. No one has the power to determine if I am good enough unless I give it to them. I’ve recently begun to allow myself to explore and process how the insight and observations pointed out by the man I love change me internally and thus leading to positive outward changes.

Being able to do this has been a long and arduous journey- and I’m no where close to being done. This path is hard and uncomfortable. We often choose comfortable over uncomfortable but for your own sake- choose being uncomfortable.

Even though it’s hard to have the conversations with those we are either required to engage with, or those we want to interact with to move forward in our relationships the payoff is worth it. For the ones we are required to engage with, it will help keep good boundaries and clarity with facts.

For the relationship journey I’ll use my own experience. It’s often very exciting and I catch myself eager to learn new ways to get out of my shell and forgive myself for the lock and key I’ve used to protect my mind and heart. Sometimes I can feel very overwhelmed and I have to talk about it with my guy which again, this helps reinforce my self worth and sense of control over my life. Also whiskey. Whiskey helps.

I know it seems like it’s easy for me to point this shit out and walk away. But know, I’m not walking away. I’m repeating this everyday to whoever needs to hear it and I am in constant check of myself. Luckily, I have found my soulmate to help keep this process growing. As noted above-I do not put him as my first priority. I don’t put my littles as my first priority (their safety, yes)-I have to make myself a priority for my mental well beings sake.

No one can be in any healthy interpersonal relationship unless they are mentally healthy. One has to be able to love theirselves and take care of their mental health to truly work able to help others to grow in a meaningful way. Sure you can fake it for a bit-years even. But by then the damage is done. Years of work to undo that damage will be required. Thankfully, I am practicing this now. hopefully, always since I’m with my human.

This amazing man I love laughs sometimes because it’s hard for him to believe someone really wants the truth and to be challenged (spaced out over time of course too much and I’ll explode) especially when what needs to be said doesn’t feel good to hear. But finally, I’ve reached the point and met my human and I can always count on his honesty, loyalty, and support to grow as a human. For that, I’m grateful and fortified everyday.

Handsome D-thank you for being my binary… ~WM~

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A Rare Breed…

I was scheduled to fly out to Jackson today. I had visions of drinking a nice pour or two with my guy and watching the snow fall (this is code…). However because of COVID, I am sitting here, writing this blog. Also, because of COVID, I have known I wouldn’t be flying out for about two weeks now…FYI-knowing has not lessened my disappointment, it’s only weakened my anger (which is a complete waste of an emotion to feel right now.)

Find the lesson right? That’s what the great minds would say…hell, that’s what I have said. So todays lesson: feeling and having to learn new skills to help with coping and “dealing” (albeit not well at times) with the cards El Diablo has doled out. I have had to challenge SO many thoughts about this virus, the people who are gaining from the virus, the people who are dying from the virus, and the MANY others who are being traumatized by the question of when things will get back to normal.

I digress…this blog is not about the stupid virus, it’s about how vulnerable it has made me, making me more susceptible to feeling weak, insecure, and lonely. I mean, WTF there are only SO many people who tolerate my shenanigans and dark sense of humor. I am pouring my energy into house updates and little responsibilities, but I miss adults. I love a good fart conversation and repeating myself five-hundred times, but I am struggling.

Not being able to be with my adult humans is difficult. More significantly, I miss my main human and I have never felt more alone in my life! I was satisfied with the handful of peeps I spent my time with. Politics, policing, mommin’, legal eagles, and godly folk met my needs then…but now, I miss my genius. I miss the person who says-“bullshit” via “isn’t it interesting.” The guy who calls and FaceTimes like clockwork and makes me laugh so much I cry. The one human who gets me inside and out, builds me up like a superhero, and yet, allows me to be the most vulnerable with.

Until now…when being vulnerable so much leads to an irrational(maybe) fear/belief that having too many rollercoaster days of the week may lead to a “Dear John.” I am absolutely not alone with this fear/belief. What do we do with this when it raises it’s evil head? I really haven’t cared in the past…honestly, if someone took issue with me having feelings I was totally cool with that…but this human is definitely different.

I feel completely exposed and vulnerable to the consequences of having these past two weeks of a nightmare called being “furloughed.” Not working has created a loss of my identity, thus leading to some super fun feelings. Yeah, I have friends that are “there” when they aren’t dealing with their own crap, or they are bored and have nothing or nobody to do at the time (yeah, I know). But this is very uncharted waters for me. So I have to wrap my head around this and get a sense of what the lesson is I am supposed to learn.

I can speculate that I needed to complete projects that was supposed to be completed a LONG time ago, perhaps the independence of doing them without help (except from a few of my humans) is supposed to help build esteem and self worth and supposed to help build bank for a future self-esteem blow…maybe it’s all three. Who knows? Seriously, do you know why? Either way-it is leading me down a path of feeling feelings I have never felt and I am being forced to process a different vulnerability.

The fear of losing because I am having feelings I cannot hide or fully control is a feeling I DO NOT want to have, but I have to get through it somehow- and guess what world (and my house, because its getting the proverbial haircut over and over) it’s happening and I can’t stuff them. Which, should be fun…for my liquor store anyway.

Just as I write this blog my guy messaged the sweetest message…it’s like he knew what I needed from eleven hundred miles away. I guess that’s one of the reasons why this journey of working through a crisis versus around the crisis is so important. I will learn about a different type of strength I possess, in addition to discovering a balance of feeling vulnerable and letting someone walk the journey with me…