Often (like almost everyday) I wake and think about the long list of “do’s” I have for the day, the week, the month, the upcoming trip, the holidays, school and the list just flows in my mind until I’m so overwhelmed with all I have to do. Unfortunately, this sets the mornings mood and really only recently I have been able to recognize when I’m folding inward and wanting to runaway and avoid my “do’s.”
In the past it’s made me feel insecure and overwhelmed with the requirements of being “on” and doing “all the things.” In the past few months while learning to juggle a full time job, and a growing part time job, as well as being a full time mom, and a full time partner I’ve realized I need to recalibrate my balance I previously had before the part time job successfully took off.
When I was growing up I was very aware that money made the “world go round” and we were simple people but like everyone else we had bills that struggled getting paid. I remember when I wrote letters to Santa asking and praying for bills to be paid for Christmas. I learned the truth about Santa and felt terrible my parents had to read those letters because now I know as a mom if my kids worried about paying bills it would be devastating. As it is they understand how much I work and that if I didn’t work like I do they’d have less. They also know themselves how hard it is to make money with an allowance…chores keep the toys on the floor. 🙄
However, as I make the lists of “do’s” in my mind I can see the coins in my bank account deteriorate for needs, and I want to work harder for my wants. Vacations do not pay for themselves and in those sudden thought I’m reminded of my “why.” My “why” for working is to pay for my needs and wants. Without my needs being cared for I couldn’t have my wants. Then I focus on gratitude for being able to take care of the needs. Today my car is getting winter tires, head and tail lights, some weird car sound in the back being taken care of, in addition to a new fridge before the other goes kaput…finding one in post Covid is an absolutely unicorn and again the list…birthdays, thanksgiving, Christmas!
My gratitude can be challenged by the “but this and that” game, however, sitting here in my comfortable home with my loved ones fed and warm, and my lazy fur beasts at my feet I use my gratitude to challenge those negative thoughts. My mom guilt tries to slowly creep in and I tell myself “nope.” I am a good mom, a good partner, and I serve those who need it. I will not listen to my negative narratives telling me “all of my things.” I will drink my coffee, lay on my couch (which I want to replace) and try to relax and feel calmer, more accepting, and tolerate my overwhelming gratitude I feel in this moment.
~WM~
Whiskey Momma 