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Divorce Communication 101…

NO ONE wants to look at their soon to be ex (unless the parasite is thinking they can manipulate the host into thinking they are still worth it) let alone have to communicate or be forced to have a conversation beyond basic interactions. Seriously. Sign the papers and leave me alone. BUT. WAIT.

There is a vital need to keep dialogue open during the separation process, especially when parenting plans and schedules are a required agenda item to discuss. IF all goes smoothly, then everyone can focus on healing and moving forward.

But what happens when the soon to be ex has a personality problem that magically seems to have appeared at the start of the divorce? Well, sorry folks. That personality problem has been there for a really long time and you’ve allowed for their behavior to exist and thrive without addressing it, and the time has come to pay the piper.

Unfortunately, the piper comes the same time you’re trying to heal, figure out meaning in your life, and if kids are a part of the mess, protect them from further damage and provide an imaginary normalcy that leads to a new normal.

Here are some helpful, and proven to be successful tips when dealing with a difficult ex… Just remember buttons will attempt to be pushed so be ready to repeat some of the steps noted below.

  • If they start making personal statements of any kind towards you by ways of being demeaning/attacking you, talking about your personal life, your parenting skills (other than positive) set boundaries by stating that you do not wish to engage in further conversations if you cannot stay on topic. Then STICK to the statement. Do NOT be wishy-washy.
  • Let the ex know clearly, that all matters related to the separation of stuff and the divorce will be handled in court by your attorney. Again-do not be drawn into a text or verbal conversation with this person. They know you, they know how to engage you and keep you engaged.
  • As for the kids-same thing. Stick to scheduling topics and only use facts. Do not tell the ex what the kids tell you unless there is a report of illegal activities or you can clearly identify a decline or deterioration of the child’s well being. TALK to your attorney. Get the child counseling. DO not make up any abuse or alleged illegal behaviors to suit your cause. This will cause irreparable harm to all involved.
  • DO NOT make your agenda about causing your ex mental anguish, harm, or punishment. Although most may deny this, the separation and pending divorce is hurting them. DO NOT show outward happiness that they are suffering.
  • If all else fails in any of the small steps noted above, or if you begin to feel a rise in emotions and the urge to argue-disengage. Find a viable reason to walk away to give yourself a timeout.

There are lots of separated pairs that seek retribution for the perceived wrongs that have been committed upon them. Maybe this is owed to you, maybe not. If you are in a situation in which you claim to be completely surprised by a separation or divorce your circumstances are usually very rare if there were not clear signs that your relationship had problems.

Whatever your situation personality disorders are sometimes cleverly packaged into the “they’ll make the perfect spouse” option because you made them fit into it. We seen the signs however, we justified ignoring them. That is our fault. But now we must move forward no matter how they try to blame us or make the situation worse by attacking mental health, how one may use recreational/social time, or any other part of your life that doesn’t not pertain to them.

To be able to move forward you just use the boundaries noted above. Social media and other social attacks are not healthy for littles involved, and although you may believe you are justified in doing this, you are NOT. I have worked with many families through attorneys and the courts to address the break down of relationships with noncustodial parents and their offspring, only to learn that the custodial parent (often times the step parents too) have belittled, name called, and knowingly destroyed or damaged their child’s positive beliefs of the noncustodial parent.

I will call this out every time. The only time I will support educating a child of their noncustodial parent’s behavior is related to abuse or neglect. Parents should never use their children as leverage or as a tool to create or inflict psychological damage. This hurts EVERYONE.

Communication is the number one problem in our world. Everyone wants to talk, very few want to listen. Everyone has the right answers, very few can take perspective. “I FEEL” does not equate to “FACTS.” No matter how strong your feelings are, it does not mean it’s true.

As always, take care of your mental health…seek help if you have trouble managing this journey.

~WM~

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The Inevitability

Since the creation of this blog, approximately a year ago, I have promised to be truthful and vulnerable with myself and those I allow to be within the circle. This post is no different. This year has been transforming and eye opening as I transitioned from married, separated, divorced, falling in love (um, finally) and now having to experience the feelings that result from sharing my littles and being the parent referred to as “the one that has to be tough.”

This morning I had to have a hard conversation with a little brain with an “underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex” from a spin off of events that transpired last night. A little back story…for safety purposes and good parenting strategies I do not allow sleepovers unless one is vetted. Does that make me a mean mom, yep. Does that make me a over cautious, maybe. Persistent human behavior patterns indicate that boundaries can be crossed by those we are supposed to trust the most…(fight me on this).

As a result of having a healthy conversation with the under developed brain, acceptance was exhibited. However, (and in a very loving way) I was informed that the ex’s gf was “a teensy bit nicer” (pinching fingers as close together as possible) than me. To be fair, I’m sure there are many, many, many people who are a “teensy bit nicer” than me in the world. However, the blow I fully expected to feel when I inevitably would hear such a phrase…(btw, she is really nice) didn’t hit me in the gut the way I expected it to hit.

It was weird. My brain, of course defended me (my brain is so thoughtful) by rationalizing the “firm, fair, loving, and consistent” (yelling, repeating myself a hundred thousand times, and screaming “no” more times a day than I can count) mom approach is necessary for orderly conduct and emotional regulation skill development (being told no multiple times each day builds character). A competitive ping hit my stomach, but the brain quickly dissolved that negative emotion by reminding me that there is no competition unless one creates one. With this kind human, I know there is no competition because we are both very loving moms, who would protect our cubs to the death. (I’m being quite literal)

This process was annoying, it felt human, however, it was a great opportunity to look at the situation and make sure I take away the lesson I was intended to learn. As this lesson began last night, the process for me was feeling rage for this idea being presented AT ALL…(my entitlement and expectations not being met). Venting to a safe friend…we shall call her “the Blue Fairy.” Feeling fortified by my parental Blue Fairy, I let the ex know what my expectations and limits were (while still escalating to a full on panic and “fix the situation mode”).

In the end I was able to explain my concerns and acknowledge feelings and thoughts the ex may have had. I also however, I provided and alternative solution without antagonizing or exacerbating the incident any further (problem solving). Without further incident the situation was resolved and the emotional dissonance I felt languished eventually…but the gentle reminders of my past lingered in my brain too long. Triggering more than I wanted triggered.

I don’t like feeling “out of control” when it comes to safety. I have modified how I react and protect my broad to be less intense, however, the brain still kicks into a gear that screams “don’t even try it” when it comes to their safety. I. Just. Can’t. I’m exhausted from worry sometimes and I realize the world will happen because that’s what it does. But I will do my damndest to keep them and as many as possible safe from the unseen but well known dangers that linger on the sidelines like a friend…

~WM~

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Close Encounters…

The world changes everyday sun comes up, it either rains, is overcast, or it is sunny (sometimes all in one day). Nature changes seasons four times each year, it sheds each seasons’ skin looking anew and creates an inspiring and beautiful display that incites vacation dreams to see fall foliage or winter wonderlands. For the record, for those who live in the Midwest, there are times we can see seasons change like 10 times each week! How is it that most humans who have a reasonable amount of cognitive ability, can see the seasons change, but find it difficult to see how humans would also benefit from growing and changing? How is is that one can repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over again and actually believe it’s someone else’s fault??

It’s not as if they do not complain about their mistakes and at times, own their role in the problem. However, they are so determined to undermine their responsibility and instead make themselves the victim. For clarification purposes-when someone makes themselves the victim this is not inferring to victims of abuse or assault. This blog is referring to persons who are never wrong, who create problems then sit back and let the world crumble around them waiting for a rescue.

Male and female humans do this behavior. I believe I had a cat who did this from time to time, but she was cute and furry so I usually forgave her. Which enabled the repeated behavior pattern. Hmmm…see how easy it is to just let that pattern occur when something is cute or we get something out of it? My cat knew what he was doing! He is a cat! Clever as they come. He used his furry cuddles to manipulate me into accepting his bullshit behaviors (using floors for restrooms, getting high off catnip and making a mess of my house with food and his toys everywhere).

Hmmm…see how quickly that shit escalates if we don’t put it in check? What does check mean, you ask? How does one actually put that shit in check, you ask? Well, it’s not easy to do, for even the most seasoned “checkers.” But let’s try…here are a few scenarios I have encountered and what I have done to address the situations. Remember, I learned to apply the interventions by practicing and by telling myself, no matter what the outcome, I MUST NOT lose myself, my integrity, or my dignity in being humble.

I have a basic formula I use in the beginning, then if my basic formula doesn’t work I have to up the assertiveness skills. All will be noted below, but the basic formula in ascending levels is as follows (DO NOT BE RUDE, this makes them the victim and you the asshole): 1-don’t engage with the person (use limited eye contact), 2- keep all responses to a head nod or one word response, 3-assertively ask them if you can discuss this later, 4-let them know you care, AND you are really busy at the moment (avoid the BUT), 5-apologize for the exit then walk away.

  1. “Feeling like I have to listen to someone talk when I don’t want to” What I Do: I tried the basic formula… However, they missed all the marks. Then they followed me out! Which pissed me off. So I sternly stated that I was really busy and couldn’t talk right then. I had process the incident for a day or so, and I came to the conclusion that I felt like the person was holding me hostage. Which can quickly become a comparison to my abuse emotions and be a trigger. I will follow up with these people and let them know how I was affected if this behavior occurs frequently, which has only been two people. Some people end up just being the fifth circle set of humans I engage with.
  2. “the neighbor of complexity” this is related to working with or giving next to other humans who are not in sync with your moods, work this, or lifestyle… What I Do: The basic formula usually works in these scenarios, however, as an employee that’s worked in a cube farm and had an office where I couldn’t escape-this shit can escalate quickly. Both at work and at home, sensitivity is key. However, you can go into your home and there are basic laws that protect you from neighbors. At work…there are the criers who sit in the bosses office kissing ass, not doing their work, so they need to have work enemies to blame for their inadequacies. (ever notice these assholes pick the employees who work the hardest to target) Either was if conflict cannot be resolved because they are “victims who are just always in the right” AVOID these people. Be civilized and polite. DO NOT joke, DO NOT divulge secrets to, and DO NOT spend time with people they spend time with, and then repeat the DO NOT’s.
  3. The “drama filled friend that is generous, kind, and has their own kind of hurt.” What I Do: This friend is the most important of them all. This friend has a heart of gold when they are within their baseline. I have to remember this when I am working through negative reactions to what is happening in a reaction to their behaviors. I have to tell myself not to allow the loss of who I am and who I want to be, AND I have to not make their shit my shit by setting my boundaries. I let them know I care about them and that I will be there for them, AND I need to make sure I take care of myself (mentally and physically) should I begin to be triggered by their behavior. Walking away in the moment is very hard to do with these friends, AND needs to be done. Of course walking back when the time is right, not when YOU want it to be right is also very important. If they are true friends, you’ll know when…
  4. Finding yourself connected to another human and not wanting the bullshit… (this one became the easiest for me, however, it seems to be the hardest for some) What I Do: In early relationship interactions-I don’t use the formula with this one usually as it may come across as passive aggressive. I have been very upfront in my early conversations with others. I made sure they knew that I know what I have to offer the world, and although I am open for new and exciting, I will not lower my standards and measuring stick expectations for their bullshit. Sticking to my standards is key; I will not yield to asshattery behaviors.

Those are the basic and more overall steps I use to avoid problematic humans who are afraid of change and self-discovery. After I encounter these experiences I have to take time to process what happened. I have to give myself time to ask myself “is this my problem,” “what is my motivation,” “what is my role in the exchange,” “is this a repeated interaction and is it worth my mental well-being to remain engaged,”and similar other “what’s and why’s” to get to the reasons and best possible outcomes.

No matter what the antecedent is, I have learned that I have to “just let some shit go” to preserve my sanity (or what’s left of it). Sometimes it’s easy, and sometimes it’s the hardest thing to do. I get it. I feel this sense of righteousness and I grab hold and hang on like a five year old with a toy they don’t want to share. I want to feel vindicated, I want to feel and reinforce the sense of being just and right because it will feel good to know that what I think, believe, and feel is the truth…unfortunately-this is not what leads to facts or healthy conflict resolution. If I follow the formula I have designed over years of experience of getting wrong, I will grow and change-and maybe, just maybe I can benefit those people that I have close encounters with.

Socially Distancing Yours,

WM

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I’m Not Damaged…I’m Slightly Dented

It feels crazy to consider someone loving me for who I am, for where I’ve been, and where I want to be in my life. Of course, with that being said-I do love myself most of the time and I’ve come to accept most of my past by chalking it up to life lessons and mistakes. Which technically, by clinical standards is acceptable.

When I felt love (with very few exceptions) it was scary and I immediately flipped a switch to be a different yet the same person. I put a persona out there I was comfortable giving, thus allowing myself to feel safe enough to interact or engage with the person. I felt safe, but it felt political. I was making the best effort to balance between what I thought was supposed to happen and what the person (not me) needed. All while I stood a safe distance away from the persons who cared about me where I could escape or evade when I needed to.

This habit was not just in my personal relationships. This behavior existed during my interactions with family, friends, and colleagues. Up until recently I believed it was because I wouldn’t allow myself to move past the second ring in my circle of trust. However, in the past year I’ve learned that I didn’t know how to reconcile my fear of being in danger(abuse) and feeling safe enough to develop a trust with another human. There were few exceptions made.

Having been taught from early childhood that I was “pretty” or received treats/special attention because someone wanted something from me-which often resulted something that resulted in pain and humiliation. So the logical conclusion was and still is at times, if someone uses kind words and does kind things for me, I’m going to be hurt or humiliated and that I would lose my power and autonomy.

Now I find myself in this new relationship. Which is great because I’ve been able to reconcile most of my demons and allow the person I really am out. However, there are times when the scared little girl rears her head leading the adult woman to feel disjointed. Thus, leading to confusion and at times, an imbalance of control over and in my life.

Now add the recent furlough and feeling weak and vulnerable because of the sense of loss in my identity. Yep. It becomes the complete VIP package for insecurity. The doubts, fears, personal judgements, shame, and the ultimate firework finale of self-destructive behaviors.

Except now it’s different; I’m different. Now I can recognize when the fear creeps in. I can slow it down, put a name to it, let it keep me awake at night, and then write about the demon. Every time I give it a name and take my power back the occurrences become less frequent. Which gives me hope for a day when I can just “be.” One day I won’t feel the need to throw up the wall, lock down my emotions, and pretend I’m always ok.

One day I won’t feel damaged, just slightly dented…