Tag: relationships

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“How Do You Measure Up…”

How do you compare yourself to others and how does this affect your sense of self worth? In my late 20’s I measured my worth based on my job importance, such as “am I making a difference,” “do people respect me,” and (the big one) “am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing?” In my late 30’s the measuring stick changed to “am I making a difference,” “am I happy/fulfilled,” and “do I respect myself?”

Now I focus on – “is what I’m doing still fulfilling,” “am I doing a good job parenting,” am I being authentic?” The latter of which is the most important to me. This is because I want to feel peace in all parts of my life. I want to have integrity for me, not for anyone else. Because I feel strong in my sense of self I’m able to model this for my children and the people I serve. I bring myself a profound sense of genuine peace being authentic.

When asking others how they measure their worth I’ve received an interesting and consistent response of “I don’t know.” Money, career, family, fame…the consistency of being told how “they’ve never really thought about that” tells me we are not teaching people how to love a fulfilling and meaningful life, yet we know that not living in this life leads to substantial risk for alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling addiction, pornography addiction, high risk relationships or sexual behaviors…the list goes on.

When I ask people about this I generally ask “what makes them unworthy” because this is the strongest feeling and thought about themselves they have. Then I ask them to identify the facts to support this belief. Shockingly (or not shockingly to some) they have very few facts to support this belief. An even greater discovery is that it has been external life events that they use to reinforce this belief!

The examples typically given are:

  • “My partner broke up with me” so this means I’m not good enough. It’s not because they’re incompatible or anything….
  • “My parents beat me,” so I must be bad. The abuse is about the abuser not the person abused.
  • I didn’t get the job I wanted…
  • I don’t have as many friends as…
  • I don’t make a lot of money…
  • I can’t get organized in my life…
  • People won’t help me anymore…

There’s a pattern here if you see it. I don’t get what I want so I must not be worthy (not a fact, but using thoughts and feelings). We are not owed anything and it’s our responsibility to challenge these distortions, and if we are miserable in life we have a responsibility to get help and not be a burden on the systems of others. Talk to someone who will help you identify these patterns and challenge them.

I really wanted a promotion one time. I was promised by one of my favorite people I was up for it. Not getting that promotion was a wonderful lesson for me. Although I told myself this was going to be a meaningful lesson at the time, I didn’t believe it. But I knew telling myself it would be helped me feel less like a piece of worthless human trash. I am very thankful now because I may still be at the job not feeling fulfilled, I wouldn’t have healthy kiddos, and I know I wouldn’t have the human who was molded just for me.

So ask yourself now…”how do I measure up?”

~WM~

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“What Are You Telling Yourself…”

Recently there has been a rash of common sense and logic shine through when I have asked my humans, “what did you hear me say” which will allow me to know if the message I am hoping I am giving is actually being received. Next I ask, “what are you telling yourself about what I said.” Asking this helps me understand what may lead to their “overthinking,” over reacting, feeling insecure and possibly leading to the blaming of others for their negative outcomes.

I ask questions that note if they are justifying, minimizing, blaming, or making themselves feel small? If so, I ask more questions! Then we discuss how this behavior can be sabotaging and can reinforce unhealthy thoughts and negative core beliefs about self, others, and the world. Thus, allowing one to not be responsible or accountable for the outcome or any behaviors that lead up to the outcome.

We have all done it. Period. For me, it was and still is about needing to have control of EVERYTHING to be safe and protect myself from others. HOWEVER, as it turns I only reinforced the lies “I have to be safe,” “I don’t have any control” etc… but once I had the mental flexibility to take a step back and ask myself what I was telling myself, I was able to be more aware of when I told myself the lies, and then ultimately challenging myself when I told myself the lies.

So how did I do this? Remember the “shoulds, never, always, and every time?” I had to focus on challenging this argument and decrease the shame and fear when I let others take the lead by calling bullshit on my internal dialogue…”I need to be right,” “I need to be liked,” “I need to know that no one is speaking badly about me,” “I need to be safe,” “my family’s wellbeing is dependent on this,” and again the list goes on and on…the worst lies kept me in the most unhealthy relationships. Which goes without saying that this put my love ones in unhealthy situations.

Back to the logic and exciting part…once people started doing this I have been able to witnesses those around me achieve a base operating system that gives them a stronger foundation in their hierarchy of needs. They admit to the themselves they have been leaning towards the negative outcomes, their automatic negative self talk, and a build up to their eventual demise. However, when they are willing to challenge the negative beliefs they are able to meet healthier “clock marks.”

I beg of you to ask yourself what you are telling yourself that feeds that negativity and start challenging that behavior with feeding the healthier wolf!

~WM~

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Don’t Open My Burger…

During cocktail hour last night, while we were enjoying 1792 Full proof and Knob Creek 120 proof we were discussing our relationship and how good it is and why it works so well. We laughed because it’s philosophy is based on him opening his own burger…

In 2020 my human and I were driving across the country and drove through a Wendy’s to grab a quick bite. We both ordered burgers (his a junior deluxe, mine was a junior bacon), there were no differences in the wrapping of the burgers and his burger seemed pretty easy to manage to drive if it was opened for him, which I was happy to help with. However, when I attempted to open it for him he said, “here let me get it, you don’t know how I like it.”

This was interesting as I have opened many sandwiches, candy, chips, etc. for people I co-piloted with and there were only minimal complaints. So I watched to learn and see what magical process he had to manage his burger while driving. Little did I know that the magic wasn’t in the unwrapping, the magic was in the concept that he could do it himself and could manage his business without being reliant on someone, which then could and usually does lead to expectations.

We have talked about this so many times and laughed about it as we both agree that there is a necessity for autonomy in relationships. Co-dependency is so easy to fall into and it is extremely unhealthy. Not being able to act as an independent agent is unhealthy and will always lead to relationship problems. Money, food, chores, jobs, children, church/faith, vacations, leisure, and so many other matters fall under this umbrella.

I love spending time with my person. So much. He is my best friend. I never wonder or worry about where I stand in any situation unless I create a narrative in my head through my trauma lens or a core belief. HOWEVER, and this is a big however as you tell by the all caps…we both are aware of the internal dialogue beast, and when this happen, which it has only happened twice for me, I don’t make my crap his crap. He is completely honest about when he is off and if we need to address something we have already addressed it way before he maybe “feeling off.”

When he is off, I give him space and go on about my business. He doesn’t need to be coddled or prodded to tell me what “I did” and I know not to make his moment about me and my insecurities. He unwraps his own burger. We do not have unknown expectations on each other. We have basic humans in relationships rules, like “don’t cheat.” Pretty basic, but given human history we both wanted to make sure this was definitely a no go behavior! Basically, DO NO HARM is the core of our relationship with one another and others.

If we follow that, our human tendencies to try to control, when we feel like we don’t have control, or to react when we should take a step back and respond when it’s better and more calm continue to work for us. We support and validate one another when it’s appropriate, and challenge one another when it’s appropriate. We do so with respect and awareness of our motives (the why).

I know from two dead marriages, I was a part of the math that lead to their death. I did not want to be a part of another relationship with someone that made being single more appealing. If couples can learn to keep their individuality in their relationships without all the insecurities (which would benefit from dealing with in therapy prior to entering into a relationship) you could have a lifetime of happiness.

I wish everyone the best in their relationships, and I want to encourage those struggling to get into therapy right away. Medications are there for helping, and life skills are always important to learn to help us solve our problems or to manage distress in the moment…

~WM~

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The World is On Fire…

I started my morning with a kid awake too early and dogs that are too loud. I’ve fed and watered both and I’m currently sitting in my living room looking at my beautiful tree and drinking my Irish coffee perusing through the Facebook to read up on friends’ cruises, cancer journeys, work struggles, child behavior anecdotes, and of course the memories.

I think about my week and of course compare others posts to my own experiences (cause that’s the human brain) and I can’t stop the thought that’s been rolling around all week- the world is on fire! Seriously! I’ve had a very full work week, my practice is booked, and had at least seven friends/acquaintances reach out with their very important life situations.

My brain is exhausted! I have no more to offer but I keep doing it. I have crisis tomorrow, I’m meeting a dear friend today for a walk to let her puke out her life and create a game plan. We have friends out of town and we are watching animals. It’s finally happened…the chaos of the world is creeping into my sanctuary.

My humans feel it, my animals feel, and worst of all I feel it! This is the most human I’ve felt in a really long time and all I can do is say-enough! I am initiating significant self care strategies immediately. My answer will be no, my support will be tactical and at arms length, and I will slow down and get my inner peace back. Now. Starting today.

Telling myself this mantra isn’t enough so I’ve made a list of my strategies and what can be done with each of them…I’ll share some.

  • Calls for help
    • Triage and set boundaries, if it’s not life or death encourage mindfulness and meditation. If it is life or death call your local crisis line
  • Requests beyond what I have to offer
    • Determine if I have the time-will this make me cut family time or exercise time.
      • If it does- I’m happy to say “I wish I could but I can’t”
    • Will this create a bigger mess for me later if I don’t resolve it now?
      • Yes-address
      • No-let it go

Guilt may occur for setting boundaries and that’s a part of life. Telling myself my family and my mental health is a priority is absolute key to a happy life. I will not devalue this and I will not allow the fire to seep in too much or we may not be able to fix it.

If your world is on fire I encourage you to stop, drop, and roll…

  • STOP what you are doing-freeze; take a step back from the situation; observe what you are feeling and thinking, and observe what others are doing around you; then once you are more aware of what is happening proceed mindfully with a plan.
  • Drop-drop whatever you are doing if possible and take a time out for yourself. It’s vital to lower our emotions to have a clear mind to not create more problems for ourselves.
  • Roll-if you’ve done any of the first two steps effectively you should be able to move forward and let things roll off your back like Teflon…

These are basic distress tolerance skills and they are the most effective skills one can use to chill out under heated and intense emotions. I use them everyday and train others to use them in nearly every session. Good luck my weary humans and as always, keep moving forward.

~WM~

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“Why” P2 Do We Change for Others…

How many times have we made adjustments in or likes/dislikes for another person? How many times have we adjusted our values or our life goals to settle for someone and then tell ourselves that we “want this” and it is “better than” what we had originally planned. I have done this for humans, jobs, and other life situations to accommodate whatever shit show was happening and to keep a peace “for myself” really others because I didn’t want an argument.

But where do we draw the line? We tell ourselves we are yielding for peace or love-or whatever other bullshit justifications we use. I look at my friends and watch them behave in ways and walk down paths I have already treaded and I feel helpless. I see those that I serve doing some of the same behaviors and think to myself-“wow, I did this and if I can overcome this, so can they.”

But the first step is “recognizing” what is happening. Being aware of what we are doing is key…Of course if I had asked myself the “why” I would have seen it and paid more attention. However, I didn’t and I became who I am, and I am okay with it because I am “finally me!” (Well the current version)

So, the “why” again…here are some “why’s” to ask for when we accommodate…p.s. there are bonus questions.

  • Why am I changing my goal?
  • Why/How is this important to me and my future?
  • Why is this person/place/thing worth changing my goals?
    • BONUS questions:
      • How will this serve my integrity?
      • How will this help serve my mission?
      • Is it worth the cost of my healthy self?
  • Why am I changing who I am/want to be?

When I stopped changing myself for others I found a freedom like I have never known. The freedom to sit and be still with my own skin. The ability to take a step back and allow others to behave and have needs that I cannot control (nor would I want to anymore). To accept that I don’t need someone to watch me or engage with me to validate my existence.

For those that struggle with being alone and making their own way… it seems those folks need a witness to their living. They need someone to see what they are doing and validate their existence. Like gym buddies, social media (yeah the irony is not lost on me), etc…this isn’t all unhealthy. However, if one can be independent and live alone and not feel lonely, this could lead to a healthy relationship.

Frankly, I bended and broke so much before I seen it each and every time. The only way up for me was to go it alone…I totally White-snaked it. I had humans to spend time with when I wanted to, I had my family-but kept at a distance at times to gather and regroup independently, and I had my littles. So ultimately, I was very comfortable with being alone and enjoying the journey of getting to know myself.

Going down my path lead me to my human. I do not bend. I do not yield. The fact is, I haven’t felt like I had to change anything except my location. (But that was a no brainer.) I do what I need to and what to, he gets the same respect, and we have the loveliest journeys together. We have different perspectives and opinions, but we never fight because it’s okay to have different thoughts and ideas.

We have life struggles like everyone else-family loss, routine shifts, work needs/stressors, cleaning, laundry, meals, vacations, etc…but we do it as a team. Because we knew our “why” we don’t usually have to ask the big “whys” to get the daily life covered.

Figure out who YOU are before you figure out anyone else for YOU. Use the “whys” and if you have to use very many whys about changing yourself you may be in a toxic environment. There could also be life events that can change a person such as injuries(TBI’s) or catastrophic life experiences. However, with medical and psychological assistance you’ll be able to iron the details out for an outcome.

But for most of us just looking to not feel alone, that change ourselves for the “way we think it’s supposed to be” I implore you to challenge that behavior. Ask yourself “why am I doing this?”

~WM~

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Chasing the Tail of Perfection…

I recently went on a beautiful vacation dedicated to the loving memory of my mom who passed away from the terrible virus that, after a year, the loss of over 2.5 million human lives, with nearly half a million of those lives being humans who live in America- we finally have three approved vaccines available for distribution.

I have conversations multiple times each day with humans who make the following statements repeatedly, “I can’t wait until things get back to normal,” “when this is over, I’m gonna be so happy,” “when we get back to normal I’m taking a vacation,” and so on and so on…

I try to challenge and encourage them to find happiness in small moments and not to wait for “the big and perfect moments” to be happy. To not set expectations of life moments to be “perfect” or at best to accept important life moments happen exactly the way they’re supposed to happen. Forcing and manipulating them to be perfect sets us up for failure and unhappiness because the illusion of perfection will never be obtained again. (Kinda like chasing the first high)

I’d love to blame Covid (like we do for everything right now) this mentality however, this chasing of perfection has been around for quite some time. Where it began…maybe Moses and the commandments, maybe the selling of the American dream the nice home, car, 2.5 kids, and the best job. For women, it’s the perfect relationship, doting, hard working, flowers, jewelry…ugh.

I know lots of women who fantasize about the proposal and the wedding-but do not focus on the actual relationship and the person they’ve matched beyond “the job, the car, and the body.” I know lots of men that focus on “the boobs, the butt, and the way she may look on their arm.” Then three kids later, and a couple of affairs later they “don’t know what happened.”

Unfortunately, Covid has increased a sense of failure to achieve “perfection or the great happiness” we “deserve!” Ugh, another word that reinforces this entitlement of “the great American dream.” The isolation and separation of social connectedness has continued to create the divide of a nation in which dreams were built upon and turned to greed. The rich fear the poor will take “their money” they made off the backs of the poor, the divide will only continue.

Humanity is greedy and unfortunately the greedy are getting greedier, brazen, and more violent (January 6, 2021). Many who CAN improve their circumstances, choose to blame their problems on others, versus working and not being generationally lazy (this one hits home), then whining about how hard life is. Life is hard. It’s very hard. You do NOT deserve anymore than life. This really hurts those who are ready and willing to do the hard work.

I could go on and on about how we chase our tails for finding happiness but I’ll summarize this quickly-

  • We see something that someone else has and we want it
  • We make little or no effort to work towards what we desire
  • We blame others for why we can’t get/have it
  • We become angry because we don’t get what we want handed to us
  • We create hostility and resentment in our circle, social media, gossip
  • Someone calls us out on our bullshit and we don’t like it
  • We tel ourselves that someone kept us from getting what we want.

Simple human behavior patterns, I know and have been married to humans who have behavior patterns like this. it’s pretty despicable and creates many victims, in addition to becoming a drain on their families, coworkers, businesses they work for(use of sick leave, unsafe conditions), and the continuing generational beliefs that “they are owed something.”

We are owed nothing. I see so much pain and suffering from chasing happiness that comes and goes without satisfying the chaser. Practice being more present instead of chasing a ghost happiness that doesn’t exist. Absorb satisfaction in the bite of cake, the dram of whiskey, the pizza you share with love ones, and the silence of solitude and being alive.

My point is this, be present in your life and enjoy the small moments of joy just as much as the big moments. Manage your expectations and avoid the idea of “perfection” based on Hollywood and royalty standards. LIVE!

~WM~

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Life is Too Short…To Wait or Waste

As most are aware I have sold the house and I’m moving to the mountains. Before the next leg of my adventure I am crashing at my mum’s house for a brief couple of days. I decided to take the opportunity to spend quality time with her and spent the day with her. We drove to a few places and shopped some, ate some decent cajun food, and talked about the upcoming move.

Of course she’s very saddened by the grand littles not being close to her, which I completely understand. But it became very clear to me that the phrase, “life is too short” is not a viewpoint many consider or apply to their world. My mom can choose to be sad AND be excited for the opportunity for me to be with the love of my life (which I think she is, especially since she’s more aware of what type of human he is) and also be happy for the littles and their adventure.

Let’s break down why life is too short beyond my story though. Let’s look at the “life’s too short” examples that have recently plagued our world…

  • The pandemic. Limited travel, thousands of family vacations cancelled.
  • Deaths. Not just the five people I have lost JUST this past three months, but hundreds of thousands from the pandemic.
  • Not being able to see loved ones in hospitals, nursing homes, etc…
  • I’ve heard people say-“one day” and “when I retire” that never reach their goals.
  • Cancer.
  • Having babies.

I feel like I could keep the list going but I don’t want to make this a negative blog. I want it to be inspiring and create hopeful feelings. I want you to walk away and think, “do I waste my time with, “some day” thinking and then settle?” Do you????

I used to settle. All. The. Time. I still do for small things from time to time. But those big things…why did I settle? Because that abuse monster rears its ugly head and says “you’re not good enough, “you don’t deserve,” and “you’ll never do any better.” But then, I confronted myself and my settling choices over the past almost two years now and thankfully I reached a point where I’m not going to settle anymore.

I wrote about settling awhile back and I have not looked back since (except to compare situations to not repeat). I will not accept that “I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve, and I can’t do any better” bullshit anymore and I’m spreading the word! I’m yelling it from mountain tops, well only about 6,500-9,000 feet elevation depending on the moment and location.

I told my mum, “LIVE!” Do it now. Because tomorrow is not promised. As I depart my current geographical position I’m being lovingly bombarded with requests to see me before I “am gone for good.” Two things there…1-you should’ve made more effort when I was local, 2-I’m not “gone for good.”

“Gone for good” is a terrible mindset for people to be in when people they care about are relocating. Technology is amazing. I know this because I found my true love two months before the pandemic became public, so FaceTime had been a great tool to stay present in someone’s world. “But you can’t hug!” Really?? You know I don’t like touching and covid has made sure touching is a no go.

We have watched movies, had deep and meaningful conversations, had hard conversations, hysterical laughing, crying, and sometimes just “looking into the soul” stares using FaceTime. I’ll add that we’ve celebrated anniversaries drinking the same whiskeys, and even cooked many meals together. We’ve had ninety percent of our dinner meals together using FaceTime and it works!

BUT now, is my time to not settle and I’m going to live my adventure in person with my human. Nine months of flying and driving, and FaceTime has been totally worth it…but now it’s time to not settle for technology. I only live once (maybe) and life is too short to not be with the person that brings me peace, joy, and love.

I also have a wonderful and exciting job I’m looking forward to that I got using Zoom! I have met everyone virtually and because of limitations of Covid and distance we worked with what we had. It was a great experience and I’m looking forward to my new opportunity.

I’m gonna end this by saying, live your dreams and follow your own path as long as you “do no harm to others.” Yes, people are sad for their in person time shortened with my move, maybe even a little angry-AND maybe they’ll see the positive for me and my crew and then apply the motto or mantra to themselves.

Life is too short to be with mean, unyielding, and unloving…❤️

~WM~

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It’s Been Awhile…

Lots of stuff have changed since my last blog…selling my house, my impending move, losing one of my dearest friends in a tragedy, and waiting impatiently for my other dear friend to wake from the same tragedy. Change is inevitable, heartache and loss cannot be avoided, but damn 2020, you’ve shaken the world up.

I’ll address the tragedy first. When I got the call while I was visiting my home and my human in Wyoming, it was surreal. A sudden loss is always a blow. The aftermath that followed and continues to follow is draining at times. But the hope is inspiring and has been the positive thread needed to keep folks from falling apart at the seams.

I won’t discuss the details. I will make one plug though. For those who feel the need to reach out to the independents of victims to seek out updates, you have no idea how inappropriate this comes across. Especially those who may have been a fleeting light in the victims life. Just don’t do it. Period. Again, I continue to pray the world is looking up for my friend.

The second topic…the move. The impatience of being reunited and at the same time respecting dutiful timelines of ending jobs, closing on properties, and saying goodbyes are a necessary task that must be achieved in order to make the move the best for all.

My bonus little humans will be the hardest to be separated from. The little humans that give me hugs and beg me to not leave are the ones that will always have a piece of my heart and thus, the distance is just that. It’s space between times when I’ll get to hug them again. They tell me I’ve made a difference to them, but the reality is, they’ve made a positive difference in my life.

The job I left yesterday, was an extraordinary opportunity to do work that doesn’t feel like work for people who are underserved. The team I worked with left me with a profound message reinforcing that I must keep my hope for humanity. That they have value and worth and no matter what happens, keep telling people they are worth it!!

The next few weeks will most likely vacillate between flying by and turtle slow but it will always be interesting. The driving, the flying, the dogs, the humans, and the goodbyes. But mostly I look forward to the next whiskey momma adventure.

My human in the mountains, the next group of humans I get to serve and support, and of course mine and the bonus kids and friendships that I’ll have while staring at the most beautiful views while I smoke meat and sip my pour.

As always, to be continued…~WM~

In loving memory of Emily Clifford 9.27.2020
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When It’s Never Enough, It’s Your Fault

What happens when you keep following the same patterns over and over to fill the voids in your life? What happens when your coping and defense mechanisms no longer tie you over until the next time? What happens when you wake up one day and realize you are surrounded by people in the same boat as you, both in physical and virtual presence?

Most people practice this pattern their entire lives. Some even after years of therapeutic interventions are offered and discussed. Why? Why does one simply just ignore lessons they’re going through and learn more than just to simply say, “yeah, that was kinda sucky, but it’s not as bad as…” then repeat the behavior?

We ALL know people who exist this way. Everyone knows someone who exhibits this toxic pattern. Maybe we know one or two, there are some that know more than a handful (me) and it’s exhausting. Which in itself could essentially be a pattern that could trap me or anyone in a rabbit hole. Luckily, I’m smart enough to set boundaries and keep them fast and hard enough (at least in the past year) to just let that person slip into whatever pattern they choose or feel, they can’t break away from, them walk away with an explosion in my backdrop.

It’s doesn’t mean I’ve given up on them; this is never really an option if you care about them. It’s just a way to maintain ones sanity and mental health and to live a healthy and balanced life. Here’s to self-care!

So what happens to our friends with patterns? Obviously, the best case scenario would be that they learn from their mistakes and grow and make changes in their lives and relationships that are geared towards being more healthy. However, they generally tend give up (cause shit gets real and it’s uncomfortable) and eventually become a victim of their own circumstance, then they cope “the way they always have.” In some cases they have made a pattern of justifying that others are at fault for their situations.

This justifying and rationalization eventually becomes “their pattern.” It’s a no win situation and it’s damaging to all their relationships. Worse yet, their children will see this behavior and learn it works to remove their responsibility for their circumstances. As a result we have an entire generation of “it’s not my fault, I wasn’t loved enough the right way” running around.

This has devastated marriage and relationship statistics, as well as an increase in incarceration and juvenile intervention rates. If no one is responsible for their actions it results in a complete break down of functioning relationships and we have a crisis of blaming others on a global level. Hmmm…sound familiar????

My challenge to you- ask yourself and others if you keep going in circles with your life? Are you having the same unhealthy relationships over and over?? Is that what you want to do with your life? To be miserable, tired, alone (don’t fool yourself just because you are surrounded by the same type of people, you feel alone) and faking your “life”?

Just do something different. It takes one leap and then keep doing something different to make those changes. Don’t stop doing something different until you can walk through your life without blaming others, life (even though this may be the case), or anything else for “why” you are miserable, making bad choices, not stopping the behavior patterns.

~WM~

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We Give and We Give and We Give…

How much is too much to give of yourself? How many times have you asked yourself, “What is wrong with me, why am I not good enough?” I admit to doing this in the past, and sometimes it’ll rear its ugly head in ways related to the distancing and independence my little people try to exhibit (which is a great thing), but more so when I was being treated like shit by those one people.

I’ve been rolling the “I’m not good enough” (which is what makes us a victim) and the “why am I not good enough” around in my mind lately as many of my circle are feeling this burden. Even the ones that are keeping this pain in their lives. The rolling is persistent and it’s driving me crazy.

So here are my two cents…

“What is wrong with me” is a response to being rejected, and no one likes to be rejected, feel rejected, or even feel like they are not being placed first in the other person’s list of priorities. Which honestly, being the first priority in someone else’s life is not healthy…just as you should not have anyone else as a first priority in your life (we will get to that).

“Why am I not good enough” is a self defeating thought that we ask ourselves which reinforces the belief that someone else has the power to determine our worth. Ugh. We have literally given our self worth to someone else to tell us if we are good enough-IF they choose us then we are good enough, if they don’t, there is something wrong with us.

Both have implications of not having a sense of “Locus of Control” -Locus of control “is the degree to which people believe that they, as opposed to external forces, have control over the outcome of events in their lives.” BUT-we actually do have the ability to control if and when we give our control and power to others. AGAIN-WE HAVE THE POWER.

We tell ourselves it’s us that is the problem and that we aren’t good enough and then we finally get past that relationship and right on to the next one JUST LIKE IT!! We need to break the pattern. It’s not easy, but the practice can be as simple as this-telling yourself:

  1. I have value… make a list of what you believe your value is-think, what do I bring to the table…I help people.
  2. I have worth…which is different from value. I have integrity and I believe I can achieve my goals if I work hard enough!
  3. No one has the power to determine if I am good enough unless I give it to them. I’ve recently begun to allow myself to explore and process how the insight and observations pointed out by the man I love change me internally and thus leading to positive outward changes.

Being able to do this has been a long and arduous journey- and I’m no where close to being done. This path is hard and uncomfortable. We often choose comfortable over uncomfortable but for your own sake- choose being uncomfortable.

Even though it’s hard to have the conversations with those we are either required to engage with, or those we want to interact with to move forward in our relationships the payoff is worth it. For the ones we are required to engage with, it will help keep good boundaries and clarity with facts.

For the relationship journey I’ll use my own experience. It’s often very exciting and I catch myself eager to learn new ways to get out of my shell and forgive myself for the lock and key I’ve used to protect my mind and heart. Sometimes I can feel very overwhelmed and I have to talk about it with my guy which again, this helps reinforce my self worth and sense of control over my life. Also whiskey. Whiskey helps.

I know it seems like it’s easy for me to point this shit out and walk away. But know, I’m not walking away. I’m repeating this everyday to whoever needs to hear it and I am in constant check of myself. Luckily, I have found my soulmate to help keep this process growing. As noted above-I do not put him as my first priority. I don’t put my littles as my first priority (their safety, yes)-I have to make myself a priority for my mental well beings sake.

No one can be in any healthy interpersonal relationship unless they are mentally healthy. One has to be able to love theirselves and take care of their mental health to truly work able to help others to grow in a meaningful way. Sure you can fake it for a bit-years even. But by then the damage is done. Years of work to undo that damage will be required. Thankfully, I am practicing this now. hopefully, always since I’m with my human.

This amazing man I love laughs sometimes because it’s hard for him to believe someone really wants the truth and to be challenged (spaced out over time of course too much and I’ll explode) especially when what needs to be said doesn’t feel good to hear. But finally, I’ve reached the point and met my human and I can always count on his honesty, loyalty, and support to grow as a human. For that, I’m grateful and fortified everyday.

Handsome D-thank you for being my binary… ~WM~