Tag: progress

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“How Do You Measure Up…”

How do you compare yourself to others and how does this affect your sense of self worth? In my late 20’s I measured my worth based on my job importance, such as “am I making a difference,” “do people respect me,” and (the big one) “am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing?” In my late 30’s the measuring stick changed to “am I making a difference,” “am I happy/fulfilled,” and “do I respect myself?”

Now I focus on – “is what I’m doing still fulfilling,” “am I doing a good job parenting,” am I being authentic?” The latter of which is the most important to me. This is because I want to feel peace in all parts of my life. I want to have integrity for me, not for anyone else. Because I feel strong in my sense of self I’m able to model this for my children and the people I serve. I bring myself a profound sense of genuine peace being authentic.

When asking others how they measure their worth I’ve received an interesting and consistent response of “I don’t know.” Money, career, family, fame…the consistency of being told how “they’ve never really thought about that” tells me we are not teaching people how to love a fulfilling and meaningful life, yet we know that not living in this life leads to substantial risk for alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling addiction, pornography addiction, high risk relationships or sexual behaviors…the list goes on.

When I ask people about this I generally ask “what makes them unworthy” because this is the strongest feeling and thought about themselves they have. Then I ask them to identify the facts to support this belief. Shockingly (or not shockingly to some) they have very few facts to support this belief. An even greater discovery is that it has been external life events that they use to reinforce this belief!

The examples typically given are:

  • “My partner broke up with me” so this means I’m not good enough. It’s not because they’re incompatible or anything….
  • “My parents beat me,” so I must be bad. The abuse is about the abuser not the person abused.
  • I didn’t get the job I wanted…
  • I don’t have as many friends as…
  • I don’t make a lot of money…
  • I can’t get organized in my life…
  • People won’t help me anymore…

There’s a pattern here if you see it. I don’t get what I want so I must not be worthy (not a fact, but using thoughts and feelings). We are not owed anything and it’s our responsibility to challenge these distortions, and if we are miserable in life we have a responsibility to get help and not be a burden on the systems of others. Talk to someone who will help you identify these patterns and challenge them.

I really wanted a promotion one time. I was promised by one of my favorite people I was up for it. Not getting that promotion was a wonderful lesson for me. Although I told myself this was going to be a meaningful lesson at the time, I didn’t believe it. But I knew telling myself it would be helped me feel less like a piece of worthless human trash. I am very thankful now because I may still be at the job not feeling fulfilled, I wouldn’t have healthy kiddos, and I know I wouldn’t have the human who was molded just for me.

So ask yourself now…”how do I measure up?”

~WM~

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“What Are You Telling Yourself…”

Recently there has been a rash of common sense and logic shine through when I have asked my humans, “what did you hear me say” which will allow me to know if the message I am hoping I am giving is actually being received. Next I ask, “what are you telling yourself about what I said.” Asking this helps me understand what may lead to their “overthinking,” over reacting, feeling insecure and possibly leading to the blaming of others for their negative outcomes.

I ask questions that note if they are justifying, minimizing, blaming, or making themselves feel small? If so, I ask more questions! Then we discuss how this behavior can be sabotaging and can reinforce unhealthy thoughts and negative core beliefs about self, others, and the world. Thus, allowing one to not be responsible or accountable for the outcome or any behaviors that lead up to the outcome.

We have all done it. Period. For me, it was and still is about needing to have control of EVERYTHING to be safe and protect myself from others. HOWEVER, as it turns I only reinforced the lies “I have to be safe,” “I don’t have any control” etc… but once I had the mental flexibility to take a step back and ask myself what I was telling myself, I was able to be more aware of when I told myself the lies, and then ultimately challenging myself when I told myself the lies.

So how did I do this? Remember the “shoulds, never, always, and every time?” I had to focus on challenging this argument and decrease the shame and fear when I let others take the lead by calling bullshit on my internal dialogue…”I need to be right,” “I need to be liked,” “I need to know that no one is speaking badly about me,” “I need to be safe,” “my family’s wellbeing is dependent on this,” and again the list goes on and on…the worst lies kept me in the most unhealthy relationships. Which goes without saying that this put my love ones in unhealthy situations.

Back to the logic and exciting part…once people started doing this I have been able to witnesses those around me achieve a base operating system that gives them a stronger foundation in their hierarchy of needs. They admit to the themselves they have been leaning towards the negative outcomes, their automatic negative self talk, and a build up to their eventual demise. However, when they are willing to challenge the negative beliefs they are able to meet healthier “clock marks.”

I beg of you to ask yourself what you are telling yourself that feeds that negativity and start challenging that behavior with feeding the healthier wolf!

~WM~

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My Soap Box for the Month…

Why are some people uncomfortable talking, reading, or listening to someone about their mental health, abusive relationships, and life struggles? Why do so many people avoid facing the reality that life, for some people, seems so hard to manage for various reasons? This problem is so prevalent in our world right now and although you may not care, if we don’t try to be better now our future generations will continue to suffer.

Let’s take a step back to a time when you were a young kid to early teen and you had a problem and or you were suffering or perhaps uncomfortable in some way. Now stay in that moment and focus on how the moment was resolved. Did a parent or guardian comfort you and remove the problem causing the suffering? Did a parent or guardian guide you to figure it out? Did a parent or guardian ignore you and your problems? Did you have to resolve or reconcile the problem yourself?

The answer to these questions are the reasons why some people struggle with adversity and problem solving basic life problems to big life problems. The answer to the questions seem simple and straightforward but they aren’t. Unfortunately, when suffering is removed without learning skills to manage our feelings when we suffer, we grow up not knowing how to handle the hard times. It’s that Simple. Except, without learning those skills you become the world problem. You blame others for your burdens, and this of us that are fixers get dumped on. <insert cough> (Climate change, psychopaths that start wars, etc…)

I learned many things the hard way by choice. Some was not by choice and yet I still had to figure that shit out. I could have easily been a blamer and claimed hardships due to past trauma and such. However, I was fortunate to consider that avenue the path with the least integrity. I also did not resort to illegal means (minus underage drinking) to comfort myself during my trying times. I was also intelligent enough to watch how the generation before me solved their life problems and applied the strategies to my own situations. Because I knew what I wanted in life and I had to get after it myself. It wasn’t going to be handed to me.

However, there are so many that had adversity and suffering removed from their life by parents who suffered and didn’t want their offspring to suffer like they did. So a large group of humans are walking around not knowing how to manage their shit! Drugs and alcohol helped them escape and avoid the “in the moment” feelings but what happens when the drugs and alcohol wear off? Job loss, relationships are dissolved, children of divorce become lost property…etc.

Presently we have a generation of young people watching their poorly trained parents trying to manage their life behind bars, through drug courts, through DFS supervision or worse, the parent has passed leaving the young person to fend for themselves. Perpetuating the cycle of poor problem solving for generations to come.

I get that it may be easier to let others “fix” your problems and if that works and you aren’t creating more problems for the world, then great. Hopefully you’ll get professional help and apply the learned strategies. Life is hard. We will suffer everyday! You choose the easy way (not to cope or accept responsibility) or you can grow and learn. Your choice.

~WM~

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The World is On Fire…

I started my morning with a kid awake too early and dogs that are too loud. I’ve fed and watered both and I’m currently sitting in my living room looking at my beautiful tree and drinking my Irish coffee perusing through the Facebook to read up on friends’ cruises, cancer journeys, work struggles, child behavior anecdotes, and of course the memories.

I think about my week and of course compare others posts to my own experiences (cause that’s the human brain) and I can’t stop the thought that’s been rolling around all week- the world is on fire! Seriously! I’ve had a very full work week, my practice is booked, and had at least seven friends/acquaintances reach out with their very important life situations.

My brain is exhausted! I have no more to offer but I keep doing it. I have crisis tomorrow, I’m meeting a dear friend today for a walk to let her puke out her life and create a game plan. We have friends out of town and we are watching animals. It’s finally happened…the chaos of the world is creeping into my sanctuary.

My humans feel it, my animals feel, and worst of all I feel it! This is the most human I’ve felt in a really long time and all I can do is say-enough! I am initiating significant self care strategies immediately. My answer will be no, my support will be tactical and at arms length, and I will slow down and get my inner peace back. Now. Starting today.

Telling myself this mantra isn’t enough so I’ve made a list of my strategies and what can be done with each of them…I’ll share some.

  • Calls for help
    • Triage and set boundaries, if it’s not life or death encourage mindfulness and meditation. If it is life or death call your local crisis line
  • Requests beyond what I have to offer
    • Determine if I have the time-will this make me cut family time or exercise time.
      • If it does- I’m happy to say “I wish I could but I can’t”
    • Will this create a bigger mess for me later if I don’t resolve it now?
      • Yes-address
      • No-let it go

Guilt may occur for setting boundaries and that’s a part of life. Telling myself my family and my mental health is a priority is absolute key to a happy life. I will not devalue this and I will not allow the fire to seep in too much or we may not be able to fix it.

If your world is on fire I encourage you to stop, drop, and roll…

  • STOP what you are doing-freeze; take a step back from the situation; observe what you are feeling and thinking, and observe what others are doing around you; then once you are more aware of what is happening proceed mindfully with a plan.
  • Drop-drop whatever you are doing if possible and take a time out for yourself. It’s vital to lower our emotions to have a clear mind to not create more problems for ourselves.
  • Roll-if you’ve done any of the first two steps effectively you should be able to move forward and let things roll off your back like Teflon…

These are basic distress tolerance skills and they are the most effective skills one can use to chill out under heated and intense emotions. I use them everyday and train others to use them in nearly every session. Good luck my weary humans and as always, keep moving forward.

~WM~

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“Why” P2 Do We Change for Others…

How many times have we made adjustments in or likes/dislikes for another person? How many times have we adjusted our values or our life goals to settle for someone and then tell ourselves that we “want this” and it is “better than” what we had originally planned. I have done this for humans, jobs, and other life situations to accommodate whatever shit show was happening and to keep a peace “for myself” really others because I didn’t want an argument.

But where do we draw the line? We tell ourselves we are yielding for peace or love-or whatever other bullshit justifications we use. I look at my friends and watch them behave in ways and walk down paths I have already treaded and I feel helpless. I see those that I serve doing some of the same behaviors and think to myself-“wow, I did this and if I can overcome this, so can they.”

But the first step is “recognizing” what is happening. Being aware of what we are doing is key…Of course if I had asked myself the “why” I would have seen it and paid more attention. However, I didn’t and I became who I am, and I am okay with it because I am “finally me!” (Well the current version)

So, the “why” again…here are some “why’s” to ask for when we accommodate…p.s. there are bonus questions.

  • Why am I changing my goal?
  • Why/How is this important to me and my future?
  • Why is this person/place/thing worth changing my goals?
    • BONUS questions:
      • How will this serve my integrity?
      • How will this help serve my mission?
      • Is it worth the cost of my healthy self?
  • Why am I changing who I am/want to be?

When I stopped changing myself for others I found a freedom like I have never known. The freedom to sit and be still with my own skin. The ability to take a step back and allow others to behave and have needs that I cannot control (nor would I want to anymore). To accept that I don’t need someone to watch me or engage with me to validate my existence.

For those that struggle with being alone and making their own way… it seems those folks need a witness to their living. They need someone to see what they are doing and validate their existence. Like gym buddies, social media (yeah the irony is not lost on me), etc…this isn’t all unhealthy. However, if one can be independent and live alone and not feel lonely, this could lead to a healthy relationship.

Frankly, I bended and broke so much before I seen it each and every time. The only way up for me was to go it alone…I totally White-snaked it. I had humans to spend time with when I wanted to, I had my family-but kept at a distance at times to gather and regroup independently, and I had my littles. So ultimately, I was very comfortable with being alone and enjoying the journey of getting to know myself.

Going down my path lead me to my human. I do not bend. I do not yield. The fact is, I haven’t felt like I had to change anything except my location. (But that was a no brainer.) I do what I need to and what to, he gets the same respect, and we have the loveliest journeys together. We have different perspectives and opinions, but we never fight because it’s okay to have different thoughts and ideas.

We have life struggles like everyone else-family loss, routine shifts, work needs/stressors, cleaning, laundry, meals, vacations, etc…but we do it as a team. Because we knew our “why” we don’t usually have to ask the big “whys” to get the daily life covered.

Figure out who YOU are before you figure out anyone else for YOU. Use the “whys” and if you have to use very many whys about changing yourself you may be in a toxic environment. There could also be life events that can change a person such as injuries(TBI’s) or catastrophic life experiences. However, with medical and psychological assistance you’ll be able to iron the details out for an outcome.

But for most of us just looking to not feel alone, that change ourselves for the “way we think it’s supposed to be” I implore you to challenge that behavior. Ask yourself “why am I doing this?”

~WM~

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When It’s Never Enough, It’s Your Fault

What happens when you keep following the same patterns over and over to fill the voids in your life? What happens when your coping and defense mechanisms no longer tie you over until the next time? What happens when you wake up one day and realize you are surrounded by people in the same boat as you, both in physical and virtual presence?

Most people practice this pattern their entire lives. Some even after years of therapeutic interventions are offered and discussed. Why? Why does one simply just ignore lessons they’re going through and learn more than just to simply say, “yeah, that was kinda sucky, but it’s not as bad as…” then repeat the behavior?

We ALL know people who exist this way. Everyone knows someone who exhibits this toxic pattern. Maybe we know one or two, there are some that know more than a handful (me) and it’s exhausting. Which in itself could essentially be a pattern that could trap me or anyone in a rabbit hole. Luckily, I’m smart enough to set boundaries and keep them fast and hard enough (at least in the past year) to just let that person slip into whatever pattern they choose or feel, they can’t break away from, them walk away with an explosion in my backdrop.

It’s doesn’t mean I’ve given up on them; this is never really an option if you care about them. It’s just a way to maintain ones sanity and mental health and to live a healthy and balanced life. Here’s to self-care!

So what happens to our friends with patterns? Obviously, the best case scenario would be that they learn from their mistakes and grow and make changes in their lives and relationships that are geared towards being more healthy. However, they generally tend give up (cause shit gets real and it’s uncomfortable) and eventually become a victim of their own circumstance, then they cope “the way they always have.” In some cases they have made a pattern of justifying that others are at fault for their situations.

This justifying and rationalization eventually becomes “their pattern.” It’s a no win situation and it’s damaging to all their relationships. Worse yet, their children will see this behavior and learn it works to remove their responsibility for their circumstances. As a result we have an entire generation of “it’s not my fault, I wasn’t loved enough the right way” running around.

This has devastated marriage and relationship statistics, as well as an increase in incarceration and juvenile intervention rates. If no one is responsible for their actions it results in a complete break down of functioning relationships and we have a crisis of blaming others on a global level. Hmmm…sound familiar????

My challenge to you- ask yourself and others if you keep going in circles with your life? Are you having the same unhealthy relationships over and over?? Is that what you want to do with your life? To be miserable, tired, alone (don’t fool yourself just because you are surrounded by the same type of people, you feel alone) and faking your “life”?

Just do something different. It takes one leap and then keep doing something different to make those changes. Don’t stop doing something different until you can walk through your life without blaming others, life (even though this may be the case), or anything else for “why” you are miserable, making bad choices, not stopping the behavior patterns.

~WM~

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We Give and We Give and We Give…

How much is too much to give of yourself? How many times have you asked yourself, “What is wrong with me, why am I not good enough?” I admit to doing this in the past, and sometimes it’ll rear its ugly head in ways related to the distancing and independence my little people try to exhibit (which is a great thing), but more so when I was being treated like shit by those one people.

I’ve been rolling the “I’m not good enough” (which is what makes us a victim) and the “why am I not good enough” around in my mind lately as many of my circle are feeling this burden. Even the ones that are keeping this pain in their lives. The rolling is persistent and it’s driving me crazy.

So here are my two cents…

“What is wrong with me” is a response to being rejected, and no one likes to be rejected, feel rejected, or even feel like they are not being placed first in the other person’s list of priorities. Which honestly, being the first priority in someone else’s life is not healthy…just as you should not have anyone else as a first priority in your life (we will get to that).

“Why am I not good enough” is a self defeating thought that we ask ourselves which reinforces the belief that someone else has the power to determine our worth. Ugh. We have literally given our self worth to someone else to tell us if we are good enough-IF they choose us then we are good enough, if they don’t, there is something wrong with us.

Both have implications of not having a sense of “Locus of Control” -Locus of control “is the degree to which people believe that they, as opposed to external forces, have control over the outcome of events in their lives.” BUT-we actually do have the ability to control if and when we give our control and power to others. AGAIN-WE HAVE THE POWER.

We tell ourselves it’s us that is the problem and that we aren’t good enough and then we finally get past that relationship and right on to the next one JUST LIKE IT!! We need to break the pattern. It’s not easy, but the practice can be as simple as this-telling yourself:

  1. I have value… make a list of what you believe your value is-think, what do I bring to the table…I help people.
  2. I have worth…which is different from value. I have integrity and I believe I can achieve my goals if I work hard enough!
  3. No one has the power to determine if I am good enough unless I give it to them. I’ve recently begun to allow myself to explore and process how the insight and observations pointed out by the man I love change me internally and thus leading to positive outward changes.

Being able to do this has been a long and arduous journey- and I’m no where close to being done. This path is hard and uncomfortable. We often choose comfortable over uncomfortable but for your own sake- choose being uncomfortable.

Even though it’s hard to have the conversations with those we are either required to engage with, or those we want to interact with to move forward in our relationships the payoff is worth it. For the ones we are required to engage with, it will help keep good boundaries and clarity with facts.

For the relationship journey I’ll use my own experience. It’s often very exciting and I catch myself eager to learn new ways to get out of my shell and forgive myself for the lock and key I’ve used to protect my mind and heart. Sometimes I can feel very overwhelmed and I have to talk about it with my guy which again, this helps reinforce my self worth and sense of control over my life. Also whiskey. Whiskey helps.

I know it seems like it’s easy for me to point this shit out and walk away. But know, I’m not walking away. I’m repeating this everyday to whoever needs to hear it and I am in constant check of myself. Luckily, I have found my soulmate to help keep this process growing. As noted above-I do not put him as my first priority. I don’t put my littles as my first priority (their safety, yes)-I have to make myself a priority for my mental well beings sake.

No one can be in any healthy interpersonal relationship unless they are mentally healthy. One has to be able to love theirselves and take care of their mental health to truly work able to help others to grow in a meaningful way. Sure you can fake it for a bit-years even. But by then the damage is done. Years of work to undo that damage will be required. Thankfully, I am practicing this now. hopefully, always since I’m with my human.

This amazing man I love laughs sometimes because it’s hard for him to believe someone really wants the truth and to be challenged (spaced out over time of course too much and I’ll explode) especially when what needs to be said doesn’t feel good to hear. But finally, I’ve reached the point and met my human and I can always count on his honesty, loyalty, and support to grow as a human. For that, I’m grateful and fortified everyday.

Handsome D-thank you for being my binary… ~WM~

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The Inevitability

Since the creation of this blog, approximately a year ago, I have promised to be truthful and vulnerable with myself and those I allow to be within the circle. This post is no different. This year has been transforming and eye opening as I transitioned from married, separated, divorced, falling in love (um, finally) and now having to experience the feelings that result from sharing my littles and being the parent referred to as “the one that has to be tough.”

This morning I had to have a hard conversation with a little brain with an “underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex” from a spin off of events that transpired last night. A little back story…for safety purposes and good parenting strategies I do not allow sleepovers unless one is vetted. Does that make me a mean mom, yep. Does that make me a over cautious, maybe. Persistent human behavior patterns indicate that boundaries can be crossed by those we are supposed to trust the most…(fight me on this).

As a result of having a healthy conversation with the under developed brain, acceptance was exhibited. However, (and in a very loving way) I was informed that the ex’s gf was “a teensy bit nicer” (pinching fingers as close together as possible) than me. To be fair, I’m sure there are many, many, many people who are a “teensy bit nicer” than me in the world. However, the blow I fully expected to feel when I inevitably would hear such a phrase…(btw, she is really nice) didn’t hit me in the gut the way I expected it to hit.

It was weird. My brain, of course defended me (my brain is so thoughtful) by rationalizing the “firm, fair, loving, and consistent” (yelling, repeating myself a hundred thousand times, and screaming “no” more times a day than I can count) mom approach is necessary for orderly conduct and emotional regulation skill development (being told no multiple times each day builds character). A competitive ping hit my stomach, but the brain quickly dissolved that negative emotion by reminding me that there is no competition unless one creates one. With this kind human, I know there is no competition because we are both very loving moms, who would protect our cubs to the death. (I’m being quite literal)

This process was annoying, it felt human, however, it was a great opportunity to look at the situation and make sure I take away the lesson I was intended to learn. As this lesson began last night, the process for me was feeling rage for this idea being presented AT ALL…(my entitlement and expectations not being met). Venting to a safe friend…we shall call her “the Blue Fairy.” Feeling fortified by my parental Blue Fairy, I let the ex know what my expectations and limits were (while still escalating to a full on panic and “fix the situation mode”).

In the end I was able to explain my concerns and acknowledge feelings and thoughts the ex may have had. I also however, I provided and alternative solution without antagonizing or exacerbating the incident any further (problem solving). Without further incident the situation was resolved and the emotional dissonance I felt languished eventually…but the gentle reminders of my past lingered in my brain too long. Triggering more than I wanted triggered.

I don’t like feeling “out of control” when it comes to safety. I have modified how I react and protect my broad to be less intense, however, the brain still kicks into a gear that screams “don’t even try it” when it comes to their safety. I. Just. Can’t. I’m exhausted from worry sometimes and I realize the world will happen because that’s what it does. But I will do my damndest to keep them and as many as possible safe from the unseen but well known dangers that linger on the sidelines like a friend…

~WM~

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Close Encounters…

The world changes everyday sun comes up, it either rains, is overcast, or it is sunny (sometimes all in one day). Nature changes seasons four times each year, it sheds each seasons’ skin looking anew and creates an inspiring and beautiful display that incites vacation dreams to see fall foliage or winter wonderlands. For the record, for those who live in the Midwest, there are times we can see seasons change like 10 times each week! How is it that most humans who have a reasonable amount of cognitive ability, can see the seasons change, but find it difficult to see how humans would also benefit from growing and changing? How is is that one can repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over again and actually believe it’s someone else’s fault??

It’s not as if they do not complain about their mistakes and at times, own their role in the problem. However, they are so determined to undermine their responsibility and instead make themselves the victim. For clarification purposes-when someone makes themselves the victim this is not inferring to victims of abuse or assault. This blog is referring to persons who are never wrong, who create problems then sit back and let the world crumble around them waiting for a rescue.

Male and female humans do this behavior. I believe I had a cat who did this from time to time, but she was cute and furry so I usually forgave her. Which enabled the repeated behavior pattern. Hmmm…see how easy it is to just let that pattern occur when something is cute or we get something out of it? My cat knew what he was doing! He is a cat! Clever as they come. He used his furry cuddles to manipulate me into accepting his bullshit behaviors (using floors for restrooms, getting high off catnip and making a mess of my house with food and his toys everywhere).

Hmmm…see how quickly that shit escalates if we don’t put it in check? What does check mean, you ask? How does one actually put that shit in check, you ask? Well, it’s not easy to do, for even the most seasoned “checkers.” But let’s try…here are a few scenarios I have encountered and what I have done to address the situations. Remember, I learned to apply the interventions by practicing and by telling myself, no matter what the outcome, I MUST NOT lose myself, my integrity, or my dignity in being humble.

I have a basic formula I use in the beginning, then if my basic formula doesn’t work I have to up the assertiveness skills. All will be noted below, but the basic formula in ascending levels is as follows (DO NOT BE RUDE, this makes them the victim and you the asshole): 1-don’t engage with the person (use limited eye contact), 2- keep all responses to a head nod or one word response, 3-assertively ask them if you can discuss this later, 4-let them know you care, AND you are really busy at the moment (avoid the BUT), 5-apologize for the exit then walk away.

  1. “Feeling like I have to listen to someone talk when I don’t want to” What I Do: I tried the basic formula… However, they missed all the marks. Then they followed me out! Which pissed me off. So I sternly stated that I was really busy and couldn’t talk right then. I had process the incident for a day or so, and I came to the conclusion that I felt like the person was holding me hostage. Which can quickly become a comparison to my abuse emotions and be a trigger. I will follow up with these people and let them know how I was affected if this behavior occurs frequently, which has only been two people. Some people end up just being the fifth circle set of humans I engage with.
  2. “the neighbor of complexity” this is related to working with or giving next to other humans who are not in sync with your moods, work this, or lifestyle… What I Do: The basic formula usually works in these scenarios, however, as an employee that’s worked in a cube farm and had an office where I couldn’t escape-this shit can escalate quickly. Both at work and at home, sensitivity is key. However, you can go into your home and there are basic laws that protect you from neighbors. At work…there are the criers who sit in the bosses office kissing ass, not doing their work, so they need to have work enemies to blame for their inadequacies. (ever notice these assholes pick the employees who work the hardest to target) Either was if conflict cannot be resolved because they are “victims who are just always in the right” AVOID these people. Be civilized and polite. DO NOT joke, DO NOT divulge secrets to, and DO NOT spend time with people they spend time with, and then repeat the DO NOT’s.
  3. The “drama filled friend that is generous, kind, and has their own kind of hurt.” What I Do: This friend is the most important of them all. This friend has a heart of gold when they are within their baseline. I have to remember this when I am working through negative reactions to what is happening in a reaction to their behaviors. I have to tell myself not to allow the loss of who I am and who I want to be, AND I have to not make their shit my shit by setting my boundaries. I let them know I care about them and that I will be there for them, AND I need to make sure I take care of myself (mentally and physically) should I begin to be triggered by their behavior. Walking away in the moment is very hard to do with these friends, AND needs to be done. Of course walking back when the time is right, not when YOU want it to be right is also very important. If they are true friends, you’ll know when…
  4. Finding yourself connected to another human and not wanting the bullshit… (this one became the easiest for me, however, it seems to be the hardest for some) What I Do: In early relationship interactions-I don’t use the formula with this one usually as it may come across as passive aggressive. I have been very upfront in my early conversations with others. I made sure they knew that I know what I have to offer the world, and although I am open for new and exciting, I will not lower my standards and measuring stick expectations for their bullshit. Sticking to my standards is key; I will not yield to asshattery behaviors.

Those are the basic and more overall steps I use to avoid problematic humans who are afraid of change and self-discovery. After I encounter these experiences I have to take time to process what happened. I have to give myself time to ask myself “is this my problem,” “what is my motivation,” “what is my role in the exchange,” “is this a repeated interaction and is it worth my mental well-being to remain engaged,”and similar other “what’s and why’s” to get to the reasons and best possible outcomes.

No matter what the antecedent is, I have learned that I have to “just let some shit go” to preserve my sanity (or what’s left of it). Sometimes it’s easy, and sometimes it’s the hardest thing to do. I get it. I feel this sense of righteousness and I grab hold and hang on like a five year old with a toy they don’t want to share. I want to feel vindicated, I want to feel and reinforce the sense of being just and right because it will feel good to know that what I think, believe, and feel is the truth…unfortunately-this is not what leads to facts or healthy conflict resolution. If I follow the formula I have designed over years of experience of getting wrong, I will grow and change-and maybe, just maybe I can benefit those people that I have close encounters with.

Socially Distancing Yours,

WM

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I’m Not Damaged…I’m Slightly Dented

It feels crazy to consider someone loving me for who I am, for where I’ve been, and where I want to be in my life. Of course, with that being said-I do love myself most of the time and I’ve come to accept most of my past by chalking it up to life lessons and mistakes. Which technically, by clinical standards is acceptable.

When I felt love (with very few exceptions) it was scary and I immediately flipped a switch to be a different yet the same person. I put a persona out there I was comfortable giving, thus allowing myself to feel safe enough to interact or engage with the person. I felt safe, but it felt political. I was making the best effort to balance between what I thought was supposed to happen and what the person (not me) needed. All while I stood a safe distance away from the persons who cared about me where I could escape or evade when I needed to.

This habit was not just in my personal relationships. This behavior existed during my interactions with family, friends, and colleagues. Up until recently I believed it was because I wouldn’t allow myself to move past the second ring in my circle of trust. However, in the past year I’ve learned that I didn’t know how to reconcile my fear of being in danger(abuse) and feeling safe enough to develop a trust with another human. There were few exceptions made.

Having been taught from early childhood that I was “pretty” or received treats/special attention because someone wanted something from me-which often resulted something that resulted in pain and humiliation. So the logical conclusion was and still is at times, if someone uses kind words and does kind things for me, I’m going to be hurt or humiliated and that I would lose my power and autonomy.

Now I find myself in this new relationship. Which is great because I’ve been able to reconcile most of my demons and allow the person I really am out. However, there are times when the scared little girl rears her head leading the adult woman to feel disjointed. Thus, leading to confusion and at times, an imbalance of control over and in my life.

Now add the recent furlough and feeling weak and vulnerable because of the sense of loss in my identity. Yep. It becomes the complete VIP package for insecurity. The doubts, fears, personal judgements, shame, and the ultimate firework finale of self-destructive behaviors.

Except now it’s different; I’m different. Now I can recognize when the fear creeps in. I can slow it down, put a name to it, let it keep me awake at night, and then write about the demon. Every time I give it a name and take my power back the occurrences become less frequent. Which gives me hope for a day when I can just “be.” One day I won’t feel the need to throw up the wall, lock down my emotions, and pretend I’m always ok.

One day I won’t feel damaged, just slightly dented…