I really wanted to start this blog off by just complaining about how near sighted (not those suffering from the medical condition) people can be about their problems and the real problems in the world. But In my experience those who want to ignore their own shit show are able to fake an ability to appear intelligent but emotional intelligence is highly lacking.
I have spent my entire career watching humans who feel broken, less than, insignificant, self-inflated, unwanted, unloveable, and have a false sense of attractiveness behave in ways that to the naked eye appears normal. However, this is not the case. I have watched these same humans reach the epitome of lying to themselves and others making it appear they got their shit together.
To the injured narcissist who is pissed because you catch on to their game may not be worth your time to engage further. Especially, if they’re playing the victim when you call them out either directly or indirectly (through a third party) for their bullshit. They are playing games. Both with themselves and others who are watching so they can continue to have a group of followers adore them AND be able to keep them as followers when their ego is injured enough to actually react when they’re called out on something they know that they should not be doing to begin with.
Why we find narcissists interesting? Most of the time they are funny, attractive, and eager to be friendly and give attention to those that can be easy to manipulate for stuff or sex. But wait. When the attention you give in return does not meet their exact specifications they will shift control in the relationship and pull the power card. This is the same in ALL their relationships; Friendships, sexual partners, and family dynamics.
Narcissistic persons can be helpful at times. They can be entertaining (at least for me) sometimes, but I have tried to be friends with some and it’s exhausting. They are most happy when you accommodate them. But the best ones are the ones who say things like, “you’re amazing and I know I can count on you when the time comes.” Wow. That’s like holding a person hostage if one lets it happen. Especially if they’re desperate for attention. Desperate people may sit and wait until they’re summoned. Either for sex, entertainment, or other kind gestures you can provide your narcissistic leader.
I’ve seen it. It’s disgusting and it’s not just men or women who linger and wait for these awful humans . It’s both! I have a few guy friends who have shared their experience. I’ll call them “Bill and Ted” and FYI- they did not having an excellent adventure. Bill recently shared his being cheated on with someone who was sleeping with a married person. WTF. Ted was dating someone who was married , but in the process of the big D, and they lied to him multiple times and was cheating on him.
It gets worse. Both took the partners back to offer a second chance and it happened again. These guys are kind, honest, and generous. I know men who have been in relationships with women who have used them, i.e. no job, cheated, lazy and then blame the men for being unhappy. Ugh. It’s sickening. The men in the same scenario and have also been unhappy, tried to make it work, but still never cheated.
These humans keep diving into the same relationship pool. Why?? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… the pleasure principle. Yep. It’s the “instinctive drive to seek pleasure and avoid pain, expressed by the id as a basic motivating force which reduces psychic tension.” The pleasure principle is also nearsighted. It focuses on the immediate future, not the big picture.
So when we engage and have interpersonal relationships with the narcissist it’s exciting until it’s not. We ignore the red flags until it’s too late. We give in to our pleasure principle because it feels good, until it doesn’t. When it no longer feels good…not unlike a drug addict we seek to find the next quick fix to help us feel better and good. We do this as fast as possible. So when we do this it reinforces the cycle over and over.
Good luck in this process. It’s hard for many, especially if you married the assholes. I’m healing and walking away carrying a can of gasoline and a lit match…all hypothetical of course. 😉
Three words. Healthy coping skills. Learn to set those boundaries I mentioned in “We Give…” practice them over and over until you are able to enjoy a sense of peace with being by yourself. At the very least, ask yourself how the narcissist has positively influenced your life. If there are more sincere and truthful positives I’ll be surprised and question your honesty with yourself. But they may be there. Either way…be honest with yourself and the narcissist in your life.
~WM~
Whiskey Momma 