Tag: patterns of behavior

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“How Do You Measure Up…”

How do you compare yourself to others and how does this affect your sense of self worth? In my late 20’s I measured my worth based on my job importance, such as “am I making a difference,” “do people respect me,” and (the big one) “am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing?” In my late 30’s the measuring stick changed to “am I making a difference,” “am I happy/fulfilled,” and “do I respect myself?”

Now I focus on – “is what I’m doing still fulfilling,” “am I doing a good job parenting,” am I being authentic?” The latter of which is the most important to me. This is because I want to feel peace in all parts of my life. I want to have integrity for me, not for anyone else. Because I feel strong in my sense of self I’m able to model this for my children and the people I serve. I bring myself a profound sense of genuine peace being authentic.

When asking others how they measure their worth I’ve received an interesting and consistent response of “I don’t know.” Money, career, family, fame…the consistency of being told how “they’ve never really thought about that” tells me we are not teaching people how to love a fulfilling and meaningful life, yet we know that not living in this life leads to substantial risk for alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling addiction, pornography addiction, high risk relationships or sexual behaviors…the list goes on.

When I ask people about this I generally ask “what makes them unworthy” because this is the strongest feeling and thought about themselves they have. Then I ask them to identify the facts to support this belief. Shockingly (or not shockingly to some) they have very few facts to support this belief. An even greater discovery is that it has been external life events that they use to reinforce this belief!

The examples typically given are:

  • “My partner broke up with me” so this means I’m not good enough. It’s not because they’re incompatible or anything….
  • “My parents beat me,” so I must be bad. The abuse is about the abuser not the person abused.
  • I didn’t get the job I wanted…
  • I don’t have as many friends as…
  • I don’t make a lot of money…
  • I can’t get organized in my life…
  • People won’t help me anymore…

There’s a pattern here if you see it. I don’t get what I want so I must not be worthy (not a fact, but using thoughts and feelings). We are not owed anything and it’s our responsibility to challenge these distortions, and if we are miserable in life we have a responsibility to get help and not be a burden on the systems of others. Talk to someone who will help you identify these patterns and challenge them.

I really wanted a promotion one time. I was promised by one of my favorite people I was up for it. Not getting that promotion was a wonderful lesson for me. Although I told myself this was going to be a meaningful lesson at the time, I didn’t believe it. But I knew telling myself it would be helped me feel less like a piece of worthless human trash. I am very thankful now because I may still be at the job not feeling fulfilled, I wouldn’t have healthy kiddos, and I know I wouldn’t have the human who was molded just for me.

So ask yourself now…”how do I measure up?”

~WM~

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“What Are You Telling Yourself…”

Recently there has been a rash of common sense and logic shine through when I have asked my humans, “what did you hear me say” which will allow me to know if the message I am hoping I am giving is actually being received. Next I ask, “what are you telling yourself about what I said.” Asking this helps me understand what may lead to their “overthinking,” over reacting, feeling insecure and possibly leading to the blaming of others for their negative outcomes.

I ask questions that note if they are justifying, minimizing, blaming, or making themselves feel small? If so, I ask more questions! Then we discuss how this behavior can be sabotaging and can reinforce unhealthy thoughts and negative core beliefs about self, others, and the world. Thus, allowing one to not be responsible or accountable for the outcome or any behaviors that lead up to the outcome.

We have all done it. Period. For me, it was and still is about needing to have control of EVERYTHING to be safe and protect myself from others. HOWEVER, as it turns I only reinforced the lies “I have to be safe,” “I don’t have any control” etc… but once I had the mental flexibility to take a step back and ask myself what I was telling myself, I was able to be more aware of when I told myself the lies, and then ultimately challenging myself when I told myself the lies.

So how did I do this? Remember the “shoulds, never, always, and every time?” I had to focus on challenging this argument and decrease the shame and fear when I let others take the lead by calling bullshit on my internal dialogue…”I need to be right,” “I need to be liked,” “I need to know that no one is speaking badly about me,” “I need to be safe,” “my family’s wellbeing is dependent on this,” and again the list goes on and on…the worst lies kept me in the most unhealthy relationships. Which goes without saying that this put my love ones in unhealthy situations.

Back to the logic and exciting part…once people started doing this I have been able to witnesses those around me achieve a base operating system that gives them a stronger foundation in their hierarchy of needs. They admit to the themselves they have been leaning towards the negative outcomes, their automatic negative self talk, and a build up to their eventual demise. However, when they are willing to challenge the negative beliefs they are able to meet healthier “clock marks.”

I beg of you to ask yourself what you are telling yourself that feeds that negativity and start challenging that behavior with feeding the healthier wolf!

~WM~

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My Soap Box for the Month…

Why are some people uncomfortable talking, reading, or listening to someone about their mental health, abusive relationships, and life struggles? Why do so many people avoid facing the reality that life, for some people, seems so hard to manage for various reasons? This problem is so prevalent in our world right now and although you may not care, if we don’t try to be better now our future generations will continue to suffer.

Let’s take a step back to a time when you were a young kid to early teen and you had a problem and or you were suffering or perhaps uncomfortable in some way. Now stay in that moment and focus on how the moment was resolved. Did a parent or guardian comfort you and remove the problem causing the suffering? Did a parent or guardian guide you to figure it out? Did a parent or guardian ignore you and your problems? Did you have to resolve or reconcile the problem yourself?

The answer to these questions are the reasons why some people struggle with adversity and problem solving basic life problems to big life problems. The answer to the questions seem simple and straightforward but they aren’t. Unfortunately, when suffering is removed without learning skills to manage our feelings when we suffer, we grow up not knowing how to handle the hard times. It’s that Simple. Except, without learning those skills you become the world problem. You blame others for your burdens, and this of us that are fixers get dumped on. <insert cough> (Climate change, psychopaths that start wars, etc…)

I learned many things the hard way by choice. Some was not by choice and yet I still had to figure that shit out. I could have easily been a blamer and claimed hardships due to past trauma and such. However, I was fortunate to consider that avenue the path with the least integrity. I also did not resort to illegal means (minus underage drinking) to comfort myself during my trying times. I was also intelligent enough to watch how the generation before me solved their life problems and applied the strategies to my own situations. Because I knew what I wanted in life and I had to get after it myself. It wasn’t going to be handed to me.

However, there are so many that had adversity and suffering removed from their life by parents who suffered and didn’t want their offspring to suffer like they did. So a large group of humans are walking around not knowing how to manage their shit! Drugs and alcohol helped them escape and avoid the “in the moment” feelings but what happens when the drugs and alcohol wear off? Job loss, relationships are dissolved, children of divorce become lost property…etc.

Presently we have a generation of young people watching their poorly trained parents trying to manage their life behind bars, through drug courts, through DFS supervision or worse, the parent has passed leaving the young person to fend for themselves. Perpetuating the cycle of poor problem solving for generations to come.

I get that it may be easier to let others “fix” your problems and if that works and you aren’t creating more problems for the world, then great. Hopefully you’ll get professional help and apply the learned strategies. Life is hard. We will suffer everyday! You choose the easy way (not to cope or accept responsibility) or you can grow and learn. Your choice.

~WM~

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It’s My Grief and I’ll Cry If I Want To…

I miss my mom so much. Today as I was completing assessments and evaluations for work and realized I feel like I’m at the point where I think it may be uncomfortable for others when I mention how much I miss my mom. Like I’ve hit the expiration date on being able to talk about her death or the loss to others.

I have a really close friend who has lost many loved ones to tragedies. Not just accidentally deaths or an illness, they were taken by violent crimes. This person told me once, that someone close to them had stated it was time to “move on” from her grief. Unfortunately, that sentence has stuck in my crawl since that day.

Even though I hadn’t lost anyone so close to me at that time in my life I started my journey of anxiety about how others may look at my grief when the time comes. Looks like I’m there and I’m here to say, I don’t care. If someone takes issue with their discomfort with my expression of loss that’s NOT my shit-it’s theirs.

I will consider their feelings and abilities to accept I am an “advanced emotional response human,” (trademark pending) however, MAYBE the people who are uncomfortable with emotions were able to read up on the importance of healthy emotional expression, I wouldn’t have to curb my sorrow and sadness. I mean seriously, it’s only been five months!

I don’t know. It’s a theory that seems plausible. I’m not a fan of feeling that much negative emotion. I like to feel it, use the information and make choices based on the information. For example, if I’m feeling sad and thinking about my mom, I’m not going to watch programs on TV that stirs or makes the emotions stronger-like Mary Poppins. I’m gonna watch a movie where people, places, and things are unrealistically blown up. But I’m happy to sit with the feelings and explore why I’m having them and “be okay” with having them.

I could probably rant on about this but the bottom line is this…stop telling, demanding, or passive-aggressively making it uncomfortable for people to express their grief. If you think someone is spending too much time on the loss of their loved one-they are not the problem, you are. If they have signs or symptoms of a deeper issue, i.e., depression that lasts longer than a few weeks, encourage them to talk to a professional.

Thankfully, I talk to myself a lot. JK, I have a great support system and frankly, if anyone says it’s time to move on, I’ll tell them they’re right, and I’ll move on from them.

As always, with blunt force honesty,

~WM~

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Chasing the Tail of Perfection…

I recently went on a beautiful vacation dedicated to the loving memory of my mom who passed away from the terrible virus that, after a year, the loss of over 2.5 million human lives, with nearly half a million of those lives being humans who live in America- we finally have three approved vaccines available for distribution.

I have conversations multiple times each day with humans who make the following statements repeatedly, “I can’t wait until things get back to normal,” “when this is over, I’m gonna be so happy,” “when we get back to normal I’m taking a vacation,” and so on and so on…

I try to challenge and encourage them to find happiness in small moments and not to wait for “the big and perfect moments” to be happy. To not set expectations of life moments to be “perfect” or at best to accept important life moments happen exactly the way they’re supposed to happen. Forcing and manipulating them to be perfect sets us up for failure and unhappiness because the illusion of perfection will never be obtained again. (Kinda like chasing the first high)

I’d love to blame Covid (like we do for everything right now) this mentality however, this chasing of perfection has been around for quite some time. Where it began…maybe Moses and the commandments, maybe the selling of the American dream the nice home, car, 2.5 kids, and the best job. For women, it’s the perfect relationship, doting, hard working, flowers, jewelry…ugh.

I know lots of women who fantasize about the proposal and the wedding-but do not focus on the actual relationship and the person they’ve matched beyond “the job, the car, and the body.” I know lots of men that focus on “the boobs, the butt, and the way she may look on their arm.” Then three kids later, and a couple of affairs later they “don’t know what happened.”

Unfortunately, Covid has increased a sense of failure to achieve “perfection or the great happiness” we “deserve!” Ugh, another word that reinforces this entitlement of “the great American dream.” The isolation and separation of social connectedness has continued to create the divide of a nation in which dreams were built upon and turned to greed. The rich fear the poor will take “their money” they made off the backs of the poor, the divide will only continue.

Humanity is greedy and unfortunately the greedy are getting greedier, brazen, and more violent (January 6, 2021). Many who CAN improve their circumstances, choose to blame their problems on others, versus working and not being generationally lazy (this one hits home), then whining about how hard life is. Life is hard. It’s very hard. You do NOT deserve anymore than life. This really hurts those who are ready and willing to do the hard work.

I could go on and on about how we chase our tails for finding happiness but I’ll summarize this quickly-

  • We see something that someone else has and we want it
  • We make little or no effort to work towards what we desire
  • We blame others for why we can’t get/have it
  • We become angry because we don’t get what we want handed to us
  • We create hostility and resentment in our circle, social media, gossip
  • Someone calls us out on our bullshit and we don’t like it
  • We tel ourselves that someone kept us from getting what we want.

Simple human behavior patterns, I know and have been married to humans who have behavior patterns like this. it’s pretty despicable and creates many victims, in addition to becoming a drain on their families, coworkers, businesses they work for(use of sick leave, unsafe conditions), and the continuing generational beliefs that “they are owed something.”

We are owed nothing. I see so much pain and suffering from chasing happiness that comes and goes without satisfying the chaser. Practice being more present instead of chasing a ghost happiness that doesn’t exist. Absorb satisfaction in the bite of cake, the dram of whiskey, the pizza you share with love ones, and the silence of solitude and being alive.

My point is this, be present in your life and enjoy the small moments of joy just as much as the big moments. Manage your expectations and avoid the idea of “perfection” based on Hollywood and royalty standards. LIVE!

~WM~

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Then There Was a Kink…

As I fly back to Missouri to pick up littles and say my “see ya soons” to immediate family I learn that a Covid scare is in the midst. It is extremely annoying for many reasons (mostly because it’s happened at least once since Covid started) but this time it threatens my perfectly laid plans to reunite my humans. In turn, makes more work, increases costs, and creates stress for so many…especially, the littles.

SO if packing up a 16 foot uhaul with two dogs (one who needed drugs, and she wasn’t a sharer) driving through blizzard conditions and getting stuck in Cheyenne WY because roads shut down when there is 8 inches of snow in ten hours time, driving incredibly slow speeds and being stalled on the highway for long periods of time doesn’t test the stress tolerance of a relationship, let’s throw this Covid curveball into the mix.

A long running pattern of these scares have been a torment for my psyche for years and I have fought to make sure the patterns do not spread to the next generation. But alas, we have it one more time, right up to the eleventh hour. Do I fly home alone, or with my littles in tow?

I’m praying with littles in tow, however, as always, when dealing with more than one player you have to have a plan, and an extra plan for the backup plan. Lord knows I’m mentally and physically exhausted, but let’s throw this extra hurdle in for good measure.

My human and I are fully aware that the universe is testing us and so far it’s losing cause we got game! Seriously though, maybe the real test…I thought I broke two door handles yesterday. Turns out I just need a YouTube tutorial on how to open door handles (Insert eye roll).

So. Will I be writing about the littles’ transition next, or will I be writing (whining) about how much I hate diseases and gross people and their spread of their diseases next? We shall see. We shall see.

To Be Continued…~WM~

When managing stress created by other humans-I would pair a beautiful whiskey that is at least 100 proof…I’m gonna use Knob Creek 120🥃

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When It’s Never Enough, It’s Your Fault

What happens when you keep following the same patterns over and over to fill the voids in your life? What happens when your coping and defense mechanisms no longer tie you over until the next time? What happens when you wake up one day and realize you are surrounded by people in the same boat as you, both in physical and virtual presence?

Most people practice this pattern their entire lives. Some even after years of therapeutic interventions are offered and discussed. Why? Why does one simply just ignore lessons they’re going through and learn more than just to simply say, “yeah, that was kinda sucky, but it’s not as bad as…” then repeat the behavior?

We ALL know people who exist this way. Everyone knows someone who exhibits this toxic pattern. Maybe we know one or two, there are some that know more than a handful (me) and it’s exhausting. Which in itself could essentially be a pattern that could trap me or anyone in a rabbit hole. Luckily, I’m smart enough to set boundaries and keep them fast and hard enough (at least in the past year) to just let that person slip into whatever pattern they choose or feel, they can’t break away from, them walk away with an explosion in my backdrop.

It’s doesn’t mean I’ve given up on them; this is never really an option if you care about them. It’s just a way to maintain ones sanity and mental health and to live a healthy and balanced life. Here’s to self-care!

So what happens to our friends with patterns? Obviously, the best case scenario would be that they learn from their mistakes and grow and make changes in their lives and relationships that are geared towards being more healthy. However, they generally tend give up (cause shit gets real and it’s uncomfortable) and eventually become a victim of their own circumstance, then they cope “the way they always have.” In some cases they have made a pattern of justifying that others are at fault for their situations.

This justifying and rationalization eventually becomes “their pattern.” It’s a no win situation and it’s damaging to all their relationships. Worse yet, their children will see this behavior and learn it works to remove their responsibility for their circumstances. As a result we have an entire generation of “it’s not my fault, I wasn’t loved enough the right way” running around.

This has devastated marriage and relationship statistics, as well as an increase in incarceration and juvenile intervention rates. If no one is responsible for their actions it results in a complete break down of functioning relationships and we have a crisis of blaming others on a global level. Hmmm…sound familiar????

My challenge to you- ask yourself and others if you keep going in circles with your life? Are you having the same unhealthy relationships over and over?? Is that what you want to do with your life? To be miserable, tired, alone (don’t fool yourself just because you are surrounded by the same type of people, you feel alone) and faking your “life”?

Just do something different. It takes one leap and then keep doing something different to make those changes. Don’t stop doing something different until you can walk through your life without blaming others, life (even though this may be the case), or anything else for “why” you are miserable, making bad choices, not stopping the behavior patterns.

~WM~