Tag: pain

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“How Do You Measure Up…”

How do you compare yourself to others and how does this affect your sense of self worth? In my late 20’s I measured my worth based on my job importance, such as “am I making a difference,” “do people respect me,” and (the big one) “am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing?” In my late 30’s the measuring stick changed to “am I making a difference,” “am I happy/fulfilled,” and “do I respect myself?”

Now I focus on – “is what I’m doing still fulfilling,” “am I doing a good job parenting,” am I being authentic?” The latter of which is the most important to me. This is because I want to feel peace in all parts of my life. I want to have integrity for me, not for anyone else. Because I feel strong in my sense of self I’m able to model this for my children and the people I serve. I bring myself a profound sense of genuine peace being authentic.

When asking others how they measure their worth I’ve received an interesting and consistent response of “I don’t know.” Money, career, family, fame…the consistency of being told how “they’ve never really thought about that” tells me we are not teaching people how to love a fulfilling and meaningful life, yet we know that not living in this life leads to substantial risk for alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling addiction, pornography addiction, high risk relationships or sexual behaviors…the list goes on.

When I ask people about this I generally ask “what makes them unworthy” because this is the strongest feeling and thought about themselves they have. Then I ask them to identify the facts to support this belief. Shockingly (or not shockingly to some) they have very few facts to support this belief. An even greater discovery is that it has been external life events that they use to reinforce this belief!

The examples typically given are:

  • “My partner broke up with me” so this means I’m not good enough. It’s not because they’re incompatible or anything….
  • “My parents beat me,” so I must be bad. The abuse is about the abuser not the person abused.
  • I didn’t get the job I wanted…
  • I don’t have as many friends as…
  • I don’t make a lot of money…
  • I can’t get organized in my life…
  • People won’t help me anymore…

There’s a pattern here if you see it. I don’t get what I want so I must not be worthy (not a fact, but using thoughts and feelings). We are not owed anything and it’s our responsibility to challenge these distortions, and if we are miserable in life we have a responsibility to get help and not be a burden on the systems of others. Talk to someone who will help you identify these patterns and challenge them.

I really wanted a promotion one time. I was promised by one of my favorite people I was up for it. Not getting that promotion was a wonderful lesson for me. Although I told myself this was going to be a meaningful lesson at the time, I didn’t believe it. But I knew telling myself it would be helped me feel less like a piece of worthless human trash. I am very thankful now because I may still be at the job not feeling fulfilled, I wouldn’t have healthy kiddos, and I know I wouldn’t have the human who was molded just for me.

So ask yourself now…”how do I measure up?”

~WM~

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It’s My Grief and I’ll Cry If I Want To…

I miss my mom so much. Today as I was completing assessments and evaluations for work and realized I feel like I’m at the point where I think it may be uncomfortable for others when I mention how much I miss my mom. Like I’ve hit the expiration date on being able to talk about her death or the loss to others.

I have a really close friend who has lost many loved ones to tragedies. Not just accidentally deaths or an illness, they were taken by violent crimes. This person told me once, that someone close to them had stated it was time to “move on” from her grief. Unfortunately, that sentence has stuck in my crawl since that day.

Even though I hadn’t lost anyone so close to me at that time in my life I started my journey of anxiety about how others may look at my grief when the time comes. Looks like I’m there and I’m here to say, I don’t care. If someone takes issue with their discomfort with my expression of loss that’s NOT my shit-it’s theirs.

I will consider their feelings and abilities to accept I am an “advanced emotional response human,” (trademark pending) however, MAYBE the people who are uncomfortable with emotions were able to read up on the importance of healthy emotional expression, I wouldn’t have to curb my sorrow and sadness. I mean seriously, it’s only been five months!

I don’t know. It’s a theory that seems plausible. I’m not a fan of feeling that much negative emotion. I like to feel it, use the information and make choices based on the information. For example, if I’m feeling sad and thinking about my mom, I’m not going to watch programs on TV that stirs or makes the emotions stronger-like Mary Poppins. I’m gonna watch a movie where people, places, and things are unrealistically blown up. But I’m happy to sit with the feelings and explore why I’m having them and “be okay” with having them.

I could probably rant on about this but the bottom line is this…stop telling, demanding, or passive-aggressively making it uncomfortable for people to express their grief. If you think someone is spending too much time on the loss of their loved one-they are not the problem, you are. If they have signs or symptoms of a deeper issue, i.e., depression that lasts longer than a few weeks, encourage them to talk to a professional.

Thankfully, I talk to myself a lot. JK, I have a great support system and frankly, if anyone says it’s time to move on, I’ll tell them they’re right, and I’ll move on from them.

As always, with blunt force honesty,

~WM~

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What Happens, Happens Over and Over…With an Injured Narcissist

I really wanted to start this blog off by just complaining about how near sighted (not those suffering from the medical condition) people can be about their problems and the real problems in the world. But In my experience those who want to ignore their own shit show are able to fake an ability to appear intelligent but emotional intelligence is highly lacking.

I have spent my entire career watching humans who feel broken, less than, insignificant, self-inflated, unwanted, unloveable, and have a false sense of attractiveness behave in ways that to the naked eye appears normal. However, this is not the case. I have watched these same humans reach the epitome of lying to themselves and others making it appear they got their shit together.

To the injured narcissist who is pissed because you catch on to their game may not be worth your time to engage further. Especially, if they’re playing the victim when you call them out either directly or indirectly (through a third party) for their bullshit. They are playing games. Both with themselves and others who are watching so they can continue to have a group of followers adore them AND be able to keep them as followers when their ego is injured enough to actually react when they’re called out on something they know that they should not be doing to begin with.

Why we find narcissists interesting? Most of the time they are funny, attractive, and eager to be friendly and give attention to those that can be easy to manipulate for stuff or sex. But wait. When the attention you give in return does not meet their exact specifications they will shift control in the relationship and pull the power card. This is the same in ALL their relationships; Friendships, sexual partners, and family dynamics.

Narcissistic persons can be helpful at times. They can be entertaining (at least for me) sometimes, but I have tried to be friends with some and it’s exhausting. They are most happy when you accommodate them. But the best ones are the ones who say things like, “you’re amazing and I know I can count on you when the time comes.” Wow. That’s like holding a person hostage if one lets it happen. Especially if they’re desperate for attention. Desperate people may sit and wait until they’re summoned. Either for sex, entertainment, or other kind gestures you can provide your narcissistic leader.

I’ve seen it. It’s disgusting and it’s not just men or women who linger and wait for these awful humans . It’s both! I have a few guy friends who have shared their experience. I’ll call them “Bill and Ted” and FYI- they did not having an excellent adventure. Bill recently shared his being cheated on with someone who was sleeping with a married person. WTF. Ted was dating someone who was married , but in the process of the big D, and they lied to him multiple times and was cheating on him.

It gets worse. Both took the partners back to offer a second chance and it happened again. These guys are kind, honest, and generous. I know men who have been in relationships with women who have used them, i.e. no job, cheated, lazy and then blame the men for being unhappy. Ugh. It’s sickening. The men in the same scenario and have also been unhappy, tried to make it work, but still never cheated.

These humans keep diving into the same relationship pool. Why?? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… the pleasure principle. Yep. It’s the “instinctive drive to seek pleasure and avoid pain, expressed by the id as a basic motivating force which reduces psychic tension.” The pleasure principle is also nearsighted. It focuses on the immediate future, not the big picture.

So when we engage and have interpersonal relationships with the narcissist it’s exciting until it’s not. We ignore the red flags until it’s too late. We give in to our pleasure principle because it feels good, until it doesn’t. When it no longer feels good…not unlike a drug addict we seek to find the next quick fix to help us feel better and good. We do this as fast as possible. So when we do this it reinforces the cycle over and over.

Good luck in this process. It’s hard for many, especially if you married the assholes. I’m healing and walking away carrying a can of gasoline and a lit match…all hypothetical of course. 😉

Three words. Healthy coping skills. Learn to set those boundaries I mentioned in “We Give…” practice them over and over until you are able to enjoy a sense of peace with being by yourself. At the very least, ask yourself how the narcissist has positively influenced your life. If there are more sincere and truthful positives I’ll be surprised and question your honesty with yourself. But they may be there. Either way…be honest with yourself and the narcissist in your life.

~WM~