lying – Whiskey Momma

We Give and We Give and We Give…

How much is too much to give of yourself? How many times have you asked yourself, “What is wrong with me, why am I not good enough?” I admit to doing this in the past, and sometimes it’ll rear its ugly head in ways related to the distancing and independence my little people try to exhibit (which is a great thing), but more so when I was being treated like shit by those one people.

I’ve been rolling the “I’m not good enough” (which is what makes us a victim) and the “why am I not good enough” around in my mind lately as many of my circle are feeling this burden. Even the ones that are keeping this pain in their lives. The rolling is persistent and it’s driving me crazy.

So here are my two cents…

“What is wrong with me” is a response to being rejected, and no one likes to be rejected, feel rejected, or even feel like they are not being placed first in the other person’s list of priorities. Which honestly, being the first priority in someone else’s life is not healthy…just as you should not have anyone else as a first priority in your life (we will get to that).

“Why am I not good enough” is a self defeating thought that we ask ourselves which reinforces the belief that someone else has the power to determine our worth. Ugh. We have literally given our self worth to someone else to tell us if we are good enough-IF they choose us then we are good enough, if they don’t, there is something wrong with us.

Both have implications of not having a sense of “Locus of Control” -Locus of control “is the degree to which people believe that they, as opposed to external forces, have control over the outcome of events in their lives.” BUT-we actually do have the ability to control if and when we give our control and power to others. AGAIN-WE HAVE THE POWER.

We tell ourselves it’s us that is the problem and that we aren’t good enough and then we finally get past that relationship and right on to the next one JUST LIKE IT!! We need to break the pattern. It’s not easy, but the practice can be as simple as this-telling yourself:

I have value… make a list of what you believe your value is-think, what do I bring to the table…I help people.
I have worth…which is different from value. I have integrity and I believe I can achieve my goals if I work hard enough!
No one has the power to determine if I am good enough unless I give it to them. I’ve recently begun to allow myself to explore and process how the insight and observations pointed out by the man I love change me internally and thus leading to positive outward changes.

Being able to do this has been a long and arduous journey- and I’m no where close to being done. This path is hard and uncomfortable. We often choose comfortable over uncomfortable but for your own sake- choose being uncomfortable.

Even though it’s hard to have the conversations with those we are either required to engage with, or those we want to interact with to move forward in our relationships the payoff is worth it. For the ones we are required to engage with, it will help keep good boundaries and clarity with facts.

For the relationship journey I’ll use my own experience. It’s often very exciting and I catch myself eager to learn new ways to get out of my shell and forgive myself for the lock and key I’ve used to protect my mind and heart. Sometimes I can feel very overwhelmed and I have to talk about it with my guy which again, this helps reinforce my self worth and sense of control over my life. Also whiskey. Whiskey helps.

I know it seems like it’s easy for me to point this shit out and walk away. But know, I’m not walking away. I’m repeating this everyday to whoever needs to hear it and I am in constant check of myself. Luckily, I have found my soulmate to help keep this process growing. As noted above-I do not put him as my first priority. I don’t put my littles as my first priority (their safety, yes)-I have to make myself a priority for my mental well beings sake.

No one can be in any healthy interpersonal relationship unless they are mentally healthy. One has to be able to love theirselves and take care of their mental health to truly work able to help others to grow in a meaningful way. Sure you can fake it for a bit-years even. But by then the damage is done. Years of work to undo that damage will be required. Thankfully, I am practicing this now. hopefully, always since I’m with my human.

This amazing man I love laughs sometimes because it’s hard for him to believe someone really wants the truth and to be challenged (spaced out over time of course too much and I’ll explode) especially when what needs to be said doesn’t feel good to hear. But finally, I’ve reached the point and met my human and I can always count on his honesty, loyalty, and support to grow as a human. For that, I’m grateful and fortified everyday.

Handsome D-thank you for being my binary… ~WM~

Divorce Communication 101…

NO ONE wants to look at their soon to be ex (unless the parasite is thinking they can manipulate the host into thinking they are still worth it) let alone have to communicate or be forced to have a conversation beyond basic interactions. Seriously. Sign the papers and leave me alone. BUT. WAIT.

There is a vital need to keep dialogue open during the separation process, especially when parenting plans and schedules are a required agenda item to discuss. IF all goes smoothly, then everyone can focus on healing and moving forward.

But what happens when the soon to be ex has a personality problem that magically seems to have appeared at the start of the divorce? Well, sorry folks. That personality problem has been there for a really long time and you’ve allowed for their behavior to exist and thrive without addressing it, and the time has come to pay the piper.

Unfortunately, the piper comes the same time you’re trying to heal, figure out meaning in your life, and if kids are a part of the mess, protect them from further damage and provide an imaginary normalcy that leads to a new normal.

Here are some helpful, and proven to be successful tips when dealing with a difficult ex… Just remember buttons will attempt to be pushed so be ready to repeat some of the steps noted below.

If they start making personal statements of any kind towards you by ways of being demeaning/attacking you, talking about your personal life, your parenting skills (other than positive) set boundaries by stating that you do not wish to engage in further conversations if you cannot stay on topic. Then STICK to the statement. Do NOT be wishy-washy.
Let the ex know clearly, that all matters related to the separation of stuff and the divorce will be handled in court by your attorney. Again-do not be drawn into a text or verbal conversation with this person. They know you, they know how to engage you and keep you engaged.
As for the kids-same thing. Stick to scheduling topics and only use facts. Do not tell the ex what the kids tell you unless there is a report of illegal activities or you can clearly identify a decline or deterioration of the child’s well being. TALK to your attorney. Get the child counseling. DO not make up any abuse or alleged illegal behaviors to suit your cause. This will cause irreparable harm to all involved.
DO NOT make your agenda about causing your ex mental anguish, harm, or punishment. Although most may deny this, the separation and pending divorce is hurting them. DO NOT show outward happiness that they are suffering.
If all else fails in any of the small steps noted above, or if you begin to feel a rise in emotions and the urge to argue-disengage. Find a viable reason to walk away to give yourself a timeout.

There are lots of separated pairs that seek retribution for the perceived wrongs that have been committed upon them. Maybe this is owed to you, maybe not. If you are in a situation in which you claim to be completely surprised by a separation or divorce your circumstances are usually very rare if there were not clear signs that your relationship had problems.

Whatever your situation personality disorders are sometimes cleverly packaged into the “they’ll make the perfect spouse” option because you made them fit into it. We seen the signs however, we justified ignoring them. That is our fault. But now we must move forward no matter how they try to blame us or make the situation worse by attacking mental health, how one may use recreational/social time, or any other part of your life that doesn’t not pertain to them.

To be able to move forward you just use the boundaries noted above. Social media and other social attacks are not healthy for littles involved, and although you may believe you are justified in doing this, you are NOT. I have worked with many families through attorneys and the courts to address the break down of relationships with noncustodial parents and their offspring, only to learn that the custodial parent (often times the step parents too) have belittled, name called, and knowingly destroyed or damaged their child’s positive beliefs of the noncustodial parent.

I will call this out every time. The only time I will support educating a child of their noncustodial parent’s behavior is related to abuse or neglect. Parents should never use their children as leverage or as a tool to create or inflict psychological damage. This hurts EVERYONE.

Communication is the number one problem in our world. Everyone wants to talk, very few want to listen. Everyone has the right answers, very few can take perspective. “I FEEL” does not equate to “FACTS.” No matter how strong your feelings are, it does not mean it’s true.

As always, take care of your mental health…seek help if you have trouble managing this journey.

~WM~