love not hate – Whiskey Momma

As I fly back to Missouri to pick up littles and say my “see ya soons” to immediate family I learn that a Covid scare is in the midst. It is extremely annoying for many reasons (mostly because it’s happened at least once since Covid started) but this time it threatens my perfectly laid plans to reunite my humans. In turn, makes more work, increases costs, and creates stress for so many…especially, the littles.

SO if packing up a 16 foot uhaul with two dogs (one who needed drugs, and she wasn’t a sharer) driving through blizzard conditions and getting stuck in Cheyenne WY because roads shut down when there is 8 inches of snow in ten hours time, driving incredibly slow speeds and being stalled on the highway for long periods of time doesn’t test the stress tolerance of a relationship, let’s throw this Covid curveball into the mix.

A long running pattern of these scares have been a torment for my psyche for years and I have fought to make sure the patterns do not spread to the next generation. But alas, we have it one more time, right up to the eleventh hour. Do I fly home alone, or with my littles in tow?

I’m praying with littles in tow, however, as always, when dealing with more than one player you have to have a plan, and an extra plan for the backup plan. Lord knows I’m mentally and physically exhausted, but let’s throw this extra hurdle in for good measure.

My human and I are fully aware that the universe is testing us and so far it’s losing cause we got game! Seriously though, maybe the real test…I thought I broke two door handles yesterday. Turns out I just need a YouTube tutorial on how to open door handles (Insert eye roll).

So. Will I be writing about the littles’ transition next, or will I be writing (whining) about how much I hate diseases and gross people and their spread of their diseases next? We shall see. We shall see.

To Be Continued…~WM~

When managing stress created by other humans-I would pair a beautiful whiskey that is at least 100 proof…I’m gonna use Knob Creek 120🥃

Since the creation of this blog, approximately a year ago, I have promised to be truthful and vulnerable with myself and those I allow to be within the circle. This post is no different. This year has been transforming and eye opening as I transitioned from married, separated, divorced, falling in love (um, finally) and now having to experience the feelings that result from sharing my littles and being the parent referred to as “the one that has to be tough.”

This morning I had to have a hard conversation with a little brain with an “underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex” from a spin off of events that transpired last night. A little back story…for safety purposes and good parenting strategies I do not allow sleepovers unless one is vetted. Does that make me a mean mom, yep. Does that make me a over cautious, maybe. Persistent human behavior patterns indicate that boundaries can be crossed by those we are supposed to trust the most…(fight me on this).

As a result of having a healthy conversation with the under developed brain, acceptance was exhibited. However, (and in a very loving way) I was informed that the ex’s gf was “a teensy bit nicer” (pinching fingers as close together as possible) than me. To be fair, I’m sure there are many, many, many people who are a “teensy bit nicer” than me in the world. However, the blow I fully expected to feel when I inevitably would hear such a phrase…(btw, she is really nice) didn’t hit me in the gut the way I expected it to hit.

It was weird. My brain, of course defended me (my brain is so thoughtful) by rationalizing the “firm, fair, loving, and consistent” (yelling, repeating myself a hundred thousand times, and screaming “no” more times a day than I can count) mom approach is necessary for orderly conduct and emotional regulation skill development (being told no multiple times each day builds character). A competitive ping hit my stomach, but the brain quickly dissolved that negative emotion by reminding me that there is no competition unless one creates one. With this kind human, I know there is no competition because we are both very loving moms, who would protect our cubs to the death. (I’m being quite literal)

This process was annoying, it felt human, however, it was a great opportunity to look at the situation and make sure I take away the lesson I was intended to learn. As this lesson began last night, the process for me was feeling rage for this idea being presented AT ALL…(my entitlement and expectations not being met). Venting to a safe friend…we shall call her “the Blue Fairy.” Feeling fortified by my parental Blue Fairy, I let the ex know what my expectations and limits were (while still escalating to a full on panic and “fix the situation mode”).

In the end I was able to explain my concerns and acknowledge feelings and thoughts the ex may have had. I also however, I provided and alternative solution without antagonizing or exacerbating the incident any further (problem solving). Without further incident the situation was resolved and the emotional dissonance I felt languished eventually…but the gentle reminders of my past lingered in my brain too long. Triggering more than I wanted triggered.

I don’t like feeling “out of control” when it comes to safety. I have modified how I react and protect my broad to be less intense, however, the brain still kicks into a gear that screams “don’t even try it” when it comes to their safety. I. Just. Can’t. I’m exhausted from worry sometimes and I realize the world will happen because that’s what it does. But I will do my damndest to keep them and as many as possible safe from the unseen but well known dangers that linger on the sidelines like a friend…

~WM~