Tag: kids

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My Soap Box for the Month…

Why are some people uncomfortable talking, reading, or listening to someone about their mental health, abusive relationships, and life struggles? Why do so many people avoid facing the reality that life, for some people, seems so hard to manage for various reasons? This problem is so prevalent in our world right now and although you may not care, if we don’t try to be better now our future generations will continue to suffer.

Let’s take a step back to a time when you were a young kid to early teen and you had a problem and or you were suffering or perhaps uncomfortable in some way. Now stay in that moment and focus on how the moment was resolved. Did a parent or guardian comfort you and remove the problem causing the suffering? Did a parent or guardian guide you to figure it out? Did a parent or guardian ignore you and your problems? Did you have to resolve or reconcile the problem yourself?

The answer to these questions are the reasons why some people struggle with adversity and problem solving basic life problems to big life problems. The answer to the questions seem simple and straightforward but they aren’t. Unfortunately, when suffering is removed without learning skills to manage our feelings when we suffer, we grow up not knowing how to handle the hard times. It’s that Simple. Except, without learning those skills you become the world problem. You blame others for your burdens, and this of us that are fixers get dumped on. <insert cough> (Climate change, psychopaths that start wars, etc…)

I learned many things the hard way by choice. Some was not by choice and yet I still had to figure that shit out. I could have easily been a blamer and claimed hardships due to past trauma and such. However, I was fortunate to consider that avenue the path with the least integrity. I also did not resort to illegal means (minus underage drinking) to comfort myself during my trying times. I was also intelligent enough to watch how the generation before me solved their life problems and applied the strategies to my own situations. Because I knew what I wanted in life and I had to get after it myself. It wasn’t going to be handed to me.

However, there are so many that had adversity and suffering removed from their life by parents who suffered and didn’t want their offspring to suffer like they did. So a large group of humans are walking around not knowing how to manage their shit! Drugs and alcohol helped them escape and avoid the “in the moment” feelings but what happens when the drugs and alcohol wear off? Job loss, relationships are dissolved, children of divorce become lost property…etc.

Presently we have a generation of young people watching their poorly trained parents trying to manage their life behind bars, through drug courts, through DFS supervision or worse, the parent has passed leaving the young person to fend for themselves. Perpetuating the cycle of poor problem solving for generations to come.

I get that it may be easier to let others “fix” your problems and if that works and you aren’t creating more problems for the world, then great. Hopefully you’ll get professional help and apply the learned strategies. Life is hard. We will suffer everyday! You choose the easy way (not to cope or accept responsibility) or you can grow and learn. Your choice.

~WM~

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The World is On Fire…

I started my morning with a kid awake too early and dogs that are too loud. I’ve fed and watered both and I’m currently sitting in my living room looking at my beautiful tree and drinking my Irish coffee perusing through the Facebook to read up on friends’ cruises, cancer journeys, work struggles, child behavior anecdotes, and of course the memories.

I think about my week and of course compare others posts to my own experiences (cause that’s the human brain) and I can’t stop the thought that’s been rolling around all week- the world is on fire! Seriously! I’ve had a very full work week, my practice is booked, and had at least seven friends/acquaintances reach out with their very important life situations.

My brain is exhausted! I have no more to offer but I keep doing it. I have crisis tomorrow, I’m meeting a dear friend today for a walk to let her puke out her life and create a game plan. We have friends out of town and we are watching animals. It’s finally happened…the chaos of the world is creeping into my sanctuary.

My humans feel it, my animals feel, and worst of all I feel it! This is the most human I’ve felt in a really long time and all I can do is say-enough! I am initiating significant self care strategies immediately. My answer will be no, my support will be tactical and at arms length, and I will slow down and get my inner peace back. Now. Starting today.

Telling myself this mantra isn’t enough so I’ve made a list of my strategies and what can be done with each of them…I’ll share some.

  • Calls for help
    • Triage and set boundaries, if it’s not life or death encourage mindfulness and meditation. If it is life or death call your local crisis line
  • Requests beyond what I have to offer
    • Determine if I have the time-will this make me cut family time or exercise time.
      • If it does- I’m happy to say “I wish I could but I can’t”
    • Will this create a bigger mess for me later if I don’t resolve it now?
      • Yes-address
      • No-let it go

Guilt may occur for setting boundaries and that’s a part of life. Telling myself my family and my mental health is a priority is absolute key to a happy life. I will not devalue this and I will not allow the fire to seep in too much or we may not be able to fix it.

If your world is on fire I encourage you to stop, drop, and roll…

  • STOP what you are doing-freeze; take a step back from the situation; observe what you are feeling and thinking, and observe what others are doing around you; then once you are more aware of what is happening proceed mindfully with a plan.
  • Drop-drop whatever you are doing if possible and take a time out for yourself. It’s vital to lower our emotions to have a clear mind to not create more problems for ourselves.
  • Roll-if you’ve done any of the first two steps effectively you should be able to move forward and let things roll off your back like Teflon…

These are basic distress tolerance skills and they are the most effective skills one can use to chill out under heated and intense emotions. I use them everyday and train others to use them in nearly every session. Good luck my weary humans and as always, keep moving forward.

~WM~

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Forced Flexibility, the New Normal???

In our current climate of unprecedented and ever changing life I find myself struggling to make sense of what the “doing the right thing” means to me and my humans. How can I keep them healthy and safe from a deadly virus if they cannot get the vaccine and they interact with those who have not been vaccinated? The world is creating this requirement of “forced flexibility” in which everyday I have to navigate in the dark, with only a few pieces of the puzzle available to make decisions, AND I still need and I am required to create a safe and harmonious environment for the littles…

I can already feel the wheels turning in the heads of those who are reading this blog jumping to respond and “fix” my posed conundrum. But let me stop you there…

  • “You can’t live in fear!”
    • I am a realist and have lived life on the edge many times in my life, however, I will NOT play roulette with my kids life.
  • “Kids aren’t having harsh reactions to getting Covid!”
    • This is correct, “most kids” aren’t and that is great. However, I have one that has asthma, and one that had e-coli less than a year ago and is still struggling to gain weight.
  • “We can’t teach our kids to live in fear of getting sick.”
    • See response number two…and I will add:
      • I embrace illness and immunity building germs, but Covid killed my mother and I would like to avoid this happening to my beasts too.

I am sure you have more arguments so I will continue. As a parent most of us have new fears with every stage of our Childs’ life. When they are born and they are completely helpless they depend on us for EVERYTHING. When they gain their sea legs and get into EVERYTHING and run everywhere. When they start school some of us worry about if they’ll make friends, if they will behave and be successful, etc…then of course, don’t forget- Puberty, healthy self-esteem, healthy relationships, driving safely, first jobs, good grades, and then college. I really feel like my point has been made.

Yet, thankfully for those reading at least some of you will have a solution and the other folks reading this it may be resonating for you like . So, for those who have the solutions, how do you reason with your fears about for your children? Do you tell yourself that “it’s out of your hands and you are doing what you can then taking the leaps to live?” If so, do you have any internal arguments that challenge that resolve from time to time?

I want to travel with the littles. My family of loved ones are really encouraging me to go to Disney in January. I really want to, and I have looked at flights and hotels for the trip like twenty times, however, Florida is the hotbed for Covid. I and my adult human are vaccinated, but what happens if the kids get it?

We quarantine, ANYONE who has been exposed to the littles are to quarantine including, plane passengers, family & friends we spent time with and school mates of two classes (51 kids and their family members). With all the humans, jobs, and schools that would be affected, is it worth it for a week of fun with family? Logically-NO, it sounds selfish and harmful. Will it actually happen? I cannot predict the future, and I can’t even guarantee it won’t happen IF we DON’T go! Again, this forced flexibility and realm of WHAT IF is not longer a state of mind, it is a state of living.

Anyway…as always, to be continued!

~WM~

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It’s Been Awhile…

Lots of stuff have changed since my last blog…selling my house, my impending move, losing one of my dearest friends in a tragedy, and waiting impatiently for my other dear friend to wake from the same tragedy. Change is inevitable, heartache and loss cannot be avoided, but damn 2020, you’ve shaken the world up.

I’ll address the tragedy first. When I got the call while I was visiting my home and my human in Wyoming, it was surreal. A sudden loss is always a blow. The aftermath that followed and continues to follow is draining at times. But the hope is inspiring and has been the positive thread needed to keep folks from falling apart at the seams.

I won’t discuss the details. I will make one plug though. For those who feel the need to reach out to the independents of victims to seek out updates, you have no idea how inappropriate this comes across. Especially those who may have been a fleeting light in the victims life. Just don’t do it. Period. Again, I continue to pray the world is looking up for my friend.

The second topic…the move. The impatience of being reunited and at the same time respecting dutiful timelines of ending jobs, closing on properties, and saying goodbyes are a necessary task that must be achieved in order to make the move the best for all.

My bonus little humans will be the hardest to be separated from. The little humans that give me hugs and beg me to not leave are the ones that will always have a piece of my heart and thus, the distance is just that. It’s space between times when I’ll get to hug them again. They tell me I’ve made a difference to them, but the reality is, they’ve made a positive difference in my life.

The job I left yesterday, was an extraordinary opportunity to do work that doesn’t feel like work for people who are underserved. The team I worked with left me with a profound message reinforcing that I must keep my hope for humanity. That they have value and worth and no matter what happens, keep telling people they are worth it!!

The next few weeks will most likely vacillate between flying by and turtle slow but it will always be interesting. The driving, the flying, the dogs, the humans, and the goodbyes. But mostly I look forward to the next whiskey momma adventure.

My human in the mountains, the next group of humans I get to serve and support, and of course mine and the bonus kids and friendships that I’ll have while staring at the most beautiful views while I smoke meat and sip my pour.

As always, to be continued…~WM~

In loving memory of Emily Clifford 9.27.2020
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Divorce Communication 101…

NO ONE wants to look at their soon to be ex (unless the parasite is thinking they can manipulate the host into thinking they are still worth it) let alone have to communicate or be forced to have a conversation beyond basic interactions. Seriously. Sign the papers and leave me alone. BUT. WAIT.

There is a vital need to keep dialogue open during the separation process, especially when parenting plans and schedules are a required agenda item to discuss. IF all goes smoothly, then everyone can focus on healing and moving forward.

But what happens when the soon to be ex has a personality problem that magically seems to have appeared at the start of the divorce? Well, sorry folks. That personality problem has been there for a really long time and you’ve allowed for their behavior to exist and thrive without addressing it, and the time has come to pay the piper.

Unfortunately, the piper comes the same time you’re trying to heal, figure out meaning in your life, and if kids are a part of the mess, protect them from further damage and provide an imaginary normalcy that leads to a new normal.

Here are some helpful, and proven to be successful tips when dealing with a difficult ex… Just remember buttons will attempt to be pushed so be ready to repeat some of the steps noted below.

  • If they start making personal statements of any kind towards you by ways of being demeaning/attacking you, talking about your personal life, your parenting skills (other than positive) set boundaries by stating that you do not wish to engage in further conversations if you cannot stay on topic. Then STICK to the statement. Do NOT be wishy-washy.
  • Let the ex know clearly, that all matters related to the separation of stuff and the divorce will be handled in court by your attorney. Again-do not be drawn into a text or verbal conversation with this person. They know you, they know how to engage you and keep you engaged.
  • As for the kids-same thing. Stick to scheduling topics and only use facts. Do not tell the ex what the kids tell you unless there is a report of illegal activities or you can clearly identify a decline or deterioration of the child’s well being. TALK to your attorney. Get the child counseling. DO not make up any abuse or alleged illegal behaviors to suit your cause. This will cause irreparable harm to all involved.
  • DO NOT make your agenda about causing your ex mental anguish, harm, or punishment. Although most may deny this, the separation and pending divorce is hurting them. DO NOT show outward happiness that they are suffering.
  • If all else fails in any of the small steps noted above, or if you begin to feel a rise in emotions and the urge to argue-disengage. Find a viable reason to walk away to give yourself a timeout.

There are lots of separated pairs that seek retribution for the perceived wrongs that have been committed upon them. Maybe this is owed to you, maybe not. If you are in a situation in which you claim to be completely surprised by a separation or divorce your circumstances are usually very rare if there were not clear signs that your relationship had problems.

Whatever your situation personality disorders are sometimes cleverly packaged into the “they’ll make the perfect spouse” option because you made them fit into it. We seen the signs however, we justified ignoring them. That is our fault. But now we must move forward no matter how they try to blame us or make the situation worse by attacking mental health, how one may use recreational/social time, or any other part of your life that doesn’t not pertain to them.

To be able to move forward you just use the boundaries noted above. Social media and other social attacks are not healthy for littles involved, and although you may believe you are justified in doing this, you are NOT. I have worked with many families through attorneys and the courts to address the break down of relationships with noncustodial parents and their offspring, only to learn that the custodial parent (often times the step parents too) have belittled, name called, and knowingly destroyed or damaged their child’s positive beliefs of the noncustodial parent.

I will call this out every time. The only time I will support educating a child of their noncustodial parent’s behavior is related to abuse or neglect. Parents should never use their children as leverage or as a tool to create or inflict psychological damage. This hurts EVERYONE.

Communication is the number one problem in our world. Everyone wants to talk, very few want to listen. Everyone has the right answers, very few can take perspective. “I FEEL” does not equate to “FACTS.” No matter how strong your feelings are, it does not mean it’s true.

As always, take care of your mental health…seek help if you have trouble managing this journey.

~WM~

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The Inevitability

Since the creation of this blog, approximately a year ago, I have promised to be truthful and vulnerable with myself and those I allow to be within the circle. This post is no different. This year has been transforming and eye opening as I transitioned from married, separated, divorced, falling in love (um, finally) and now having to experience the feelings that result from sharing my littles and being the parent referred to as “the one that has to be tough.”

This morning I had to have a hard conversation with a little brain with an “underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex” from a spin off of events that transpired last night. A little back story…for safety purposes and good parenting strategies I do not allow sleepovers unless one is vetted. Does that make me a mean mom, yep. Does that make me a over cautious, maybe. Persistent human behavior patterns indicate that boundaries can be crossed by those we are supposed to trust the most…(fight me on this).

As a result of having a healthy conversation with the under developed brain, acceptance was exhibited. However, (and in a very loving way) I was informed that the ex’s gf was “a teensy bit nicer” (pinching fingers as close together as possible) than me. To be fair, I’m sure there are many, many, many people who are a “teensy bit nicer” than me in the world. However, the blow I fully expected to feel when I inevitably would hear such a phrase…(btw, she is really nice) didn’t hit me in the gut the way I expected it to hit.

It was weird. My brain, of course defended me (my brain is so thoughtful) by rationalizing the “firm, fair, loving, and consistent” (yelling, repeating myself a hundred thousand times, and screaming “no” more times a day than I can count) mom approach is necessary for orderly conduct and emotional regulation skill development (being told no multiple times each day builds character). A competitive ping hit my stomach, but the brain quickly dissolved that negative emotion by reminding me that there is no competition unless one creates one. With this kind human, I know there is no competition because we are both very loving moms, who would protect our cubs to the death. (I’m being quite literal)

This process was annoying, it felt human, however, it was a great opportunity to look at the situation and make sure I take away the lesson I was intended to learn. As this lesson began last night, the process for me was feeling rage for this idea being presented AT ALL…(my entitlement and expectations not being met). Venting to a safe friend…we shall call her “the Blue Fairy.” Feeling fortified by my parental Blue Fairy, I let the ex know what my expectations and limits were (while still escalating to a full on panic and “fix the situation mode”).

In the end I was able to explain my concerns and acknowledge feelings and thoughts the ex may have had. I also however, I provided and alternative solution without antagonizing or exacerbating the incident any further (problem solving). Without further incident the situation was resolved and the emotional dissonance I felt languished eventually…but the gentle reminders of my past lingered in my brain too long. Triggering more than I wanted triggered.

I don’t like feeling “out of control” when it comes to safety. I have modified how I react and protect my broad to be less intense, however, the brain still kicks into a gear that screams “don’t even try it” when it comes to their safety. I. Just. Can’t. I’m exhausted from worry sometimes and I realize the world will happen because that’s what it does. But I will do my damndest to keep them and as many as possible safe from the unseen but well known dangers that linger on the sidelines like a friend…

~WM~