future – Whiskey Momma

As most are aware I have sold the house and I’m moving to the mountains. Before the next leg of my adventure I am crashing at my mum’s house for a brief couple of days. I decided to take the opportunity to spend quality time with her and spent the day with her. We drove to a few places and shopped some, ate some decent cajun food, and talked about the upcoming move.

Of course she’s very saddened by the grand littles not being close to her, which I completely understand. But it became very clear to me that the phrase, “life is too short” is not a viewpoint many consider or apply to their world. My mom can choose to be sad AND be excited for the opportunity for me to be with the love of my life (which I think she is, especially since she’s more aware of what type of human he is) and also be happy for the littles and their adventure.

Let’s break down why life is too short beyond my story though. Let’s look at the “life’s too short” examples that have recently plagued our world…

The pandemic. Limited travel, thousands of family vacations cancelled.
Deaths. Not just the five people I have lost JUST this past three months, but hundreds of thousands from the pandemic.
Not being able to see loved ones in hospitals, nursing homes, etc…
I’ve heard people say-“one day” and “when I retire” that never reach their goals.
Cancer.
Having babies.

I feel like I could keep the list going but I don’t want to make this a negative blog. I want it to be inspiring and create hopeful feelings. I want you to walk away and think, “do I waste my time with, “some day” thinking and then settle?” Do you????

I used to settle. All. The. Time. I still do for small things from time to time. But those big things…why did I settle? Because that abuse monster rears its ugly head and says “you’re not good enough, “you don’t deserve,” and “you’ll never do any better.” But then, I confronted myself and my settling choices over the past almost two years now and thankfully I reached a point where I’m not going to settle anymore.

I wrote about settling awhile back and I have not looked back since (except to compare situations to not repeat). I will not accept that “I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve, and I can’t do any better” bullshit anymore and I’m spreading the word! I’m yelling it from mountain tops, well only about 6,500-9,000 feet elevation depending on the moment and location.

I told my mum, “LIVE!” Do it now. Because tomorrow is not promised. As I depart my current geographical position I’m being lovingly bombarded with requests to see me before I “am gone for good.” Two things there…1-you should’ve made more effort when I was local, 2-I’m not “gone for good.”

“Gone for good” is a terrible mindset for people to be in when people they care about are relocating. Technology is amazing. I know this because I found my true love two months before the pandemic became public, so FaceTime had been a great tool to stay present in someone’s world. “But you can’t hug!” Really?? You know I don’t like touching and covid has made sure touching is a no go.

We have watched movies, had deep and meaningful conversations, had hard conversations, hysterical laughing, crying, and sometimes just “looking into the soul” stares using FaceTime. I’ll add that we’ve celebrated anniversaries drinking the same whiskeys, and even cooked many meals together. We’ve had ninety percent of our dinner meals together using FaceTime and it works!

BUT now, is my time to not settle and I’m going to live my adventure in person with my human. Nine months of flying and driving, and FaceTime has been totally worth it…but now it’s time to not settle for technology. I only live once (maybe) and life is too short to not be with the person that brings me peace, joy, and love.

I also have a wonderful and exciting job I’m looking forward to that I got using Zoom! I have met everyone virtually and because of limitations of Covid and distance we worked with what we had. It was a great experience and I’m looking forward to my new opportunity.

I’m gonna end this by saying, live your dreams and follow your own path as long as you “do no harm to others.” Yes, people are sad for their in person time shortened with my move, maybe even a little angry-AND maybe they’ll see the positive for me and my crew and then apply the motto or mantra to themselves.

Life is too short to be with mean, unyielding, and unloving…❤️

~WM~

It feels crazy to consider someone loving me for who I am, for where I’ve been, and where I want to be in my life. Of course, with that being said-I do love myself most of the time and I’ve come to accept most of my past by chalking it up to life lessons and mistakes. Which technically, by clinical standards is acceptable.

When I felt love (with very few exceptions) it was scary and I immediately flipped a switch to be a different yet the same person. I put a persona out there I was comfortable giving, thus allowing myself to feel safe enough to interact or engage with the person. I felt safe, but it felt political. I was making the best effort to balance between what I thought was supposed to happen and what the person (not me) needed. All while I stood a safe distance away from the persons who cared about me where I could escape or evade when I needed to.

This habit was not just in my personal relationships. This behavior existed during my interactions with family, friends, and colleagues. Up until recently I believed it was because I wouldn’t allow myself to move past the second ring in my circle of trust. However, in the past year I’ve learned that I didn’t know how to reconcile my fear of being in danger(abuse) and feeling safe enough to develop a trust with another human. There were few exceptions made.

Having been taught from early childhood that I was “pretty” or received treats/special attention because someone wanted something from me-which often resulted something that resulted in pain and humiliation. So the logical conclusion was and still is at times, if someone uses kind words and does kind things for me, I’m going to be hurt or humiliated and that I would lose my power and autonomy.

Now I find myself in this new relationship. Which is great because I’ve been able to reconcile most of my demons and allow the person I really am out. However, there are times when the scared little girl rears her head leading the adult woman to feel disjointed. Thus, leading to confusion and at times, an imbalance of control over and in my life.

Now add the recent furlough and feeling weak and vulnerable because of the sense of loss in my identity. Yep. It becomes the complete VIP package for insecurity. The doubts, fears, personal judgements, shame, and the ultimate firework finale of self-destructive behaviors.

Except now it’s different; I’m different. Now I can recognize when the fear creeps in. I can slow it down, put a name to it, let it keep me awake at night, and then write about the demon. Every time I give it a name and take my power back the occurrences become less frequent. Which gives me hope for a day when I can just “be.” One day I won’t feel the need to throw up the wall, lock down my emotions, and pretend I’m always ok.

One day I won’t feel damaged, just slightly dented…