Tag: entitlement

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“What Are You Telling Yourself…”

Recently there has been a rash of common sense and logic shine through when I have asked my humans, “what did you hear me say” which will allow me to know if the message I am hoping I am giving is actually being received. Next I ask, “what are you telling yourself about what I said.” Asking this helps me understand what may lead to their “overthinking,” over reacting, feeling insecure and possibly leading to the blaming of others for their negative outcomes.

I ask questions that note if they are justifying, minimizing, blaming, or making themselves feel small? If so, I ask more questions! Then we discuss how this behavior can be sabotaging and can reinforce unhealthy thoughts and negative core beliefs about self, others, and the world. Thus, allowing one to not be responsible or accountable for the outcome or any behaviors that lead up to the outcome.

We have all done it. Period. For me, it was and still is about needing to have control of EVERYTHING to be safe and protect myself from others. HOWEVER, as it turns I only reinforced the lies “I have to be safe,” “I don’t have any control” etc… but once I had the mental flexibility to take a step back and ask myself what I was telling myself, I was able to be more aware of when I told myself the lies, and then ultimately challenging myself when I told myself the lies.

So how did I do this? Remember the “shoulds, never, always, and every time?” I had to focus on challenging this argument and decrease the shame and fear when I let others take the lead by calling bullshit on my internal dialogue…”I need to be right,” “I need to be liked,” “I need to know that no one is speaking badly about me,” “I need to be safe,” “my family’s wellbeing is dependent on this,” and again the list goes on and on…the worst lies kept me in the most unhealthy relationships. Which goes without saying that this put my love ones in unhealthy situations.

Back to the logic and exciting part…once people started doing this I have been able to witnesses those around me achieve a base operating system that gives them a stronger foundation in their hierarchy of needs. They admit to the themselves they have been leaning towards the negative outcomes, their automatic negative self talk, and a build up to their eventual demise. However, when they are willing to challenge the negative beliefs they are able to meet healthier “clock marks.”

I beg of you to ask yourself what you are telling yourself that feeds that negativity and start challenging that behavior with feeding the healthier wolf!

~WM~

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Don’t Open My Burger…

During cocktail hour last night, while we were enjoying 1792 Full proof and Knob Creek 120 proof we were discussing our relationship and how good it is and why it works so well. We laughed because it’s philosophy is based on him opening his own burger…

In 2020 my human and I were driving across the country and drove through a Wendy’s to grab a quick bite. We both ordered burgers (his a junior deluxe, mine was a junior bacon), there were no differences in the wrapping of the burgers and his burger seemed pretty easy to manage to drive if it was opened for him, which I was happy to help with. However, when I attempted to open it for him he said, “here let me get it, you don’t know how I like it.”

This was interesting as I have opened many sandwiches, candy, chips, etc. for people I co-piloted with and there were only minimal complaints. So I watched to learn and see what magical process he had to manage his burger while driving. Little did I know that the magic wasn’t in the unwrapping, the magic was in the concept that he could do it himself and could manage his business without being reliant on someone, which then could and usually does lead to expectations.

We have talked about this so many times and laughed about it as we both agree that there is a necessity for autonomy in relationships. Co-dependency is so easy to fall into and it is extremely unhealthy. Not being able to act as an independent agent is unhealthy and will always lead to relationship problems. Money, food, chores, jobs, children, church/faith, vacations, leisure, and so many other matters fall under this umbrella.

I love spending time with my person. So much. He is my best friend. I never wonder or worry about where I stand in any situation unless I create a narrative in my head through my trauma lens or a core belief. HOWEVER, and this is a big however as you tell by the all caps…we both are aware of the internal dialogue beast, and when this happen, which it has only happened twice for me, I don’t make my crap his crap. He is completely honest about when he is off and if we need to address something we have already addressed it way before he maybe “feeling off.”

When he is off, I give him space and go on about my business. He doesn’t need to be coddled or prodded to tell me what “I did” and I know not to make his moment about me and my insecurities. He unwraps his own burger. We do not have unknown expectations on each other. We have basic humans in relationships rules, like “don’t cheat.” Pretty basic, but given human history we both wanted to make sure this was definitely a no go behavior! Basically, DO NO HARM is the core of our relationship with one another and others.

If we follow that, our human tendencies to try to control, when we feel like we don’t have control, or to react when we should take a step back and respond when it’s better and more calm continue to work for us. We support and validate one another when it’s appropriate, and challenge one another when it’s appropriate. We do so with respect and awareness of our motives (the why).

I know from two dead marriages, I was a part of the math that lead to their death. I did not want to be a part of another relationship with someone that made being single more appealing. If couples can learn to keep their individuality in their relationships without all the insecurities (which would benefit from dealing with in therapy prior to entering into a relationship) you could have a lifetime of happiness.

I wish everyone the best in their relationships, and I want to encourage those struggling to get into therapy right away. Medications are there for helping, and life skills are always important to learn to help us solve our problems or to manage distress in the moment…

~WM~

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Chasing the Tail of Perfection…

I recently went on a beautiful vacation dedicated to the loving memory of my mom who passed away from the terrible virus that, after a year, the loss of over 2.5 million human lives, with nearly half a million of those lives being humans who live in America- we finally have three approved vaccines available for distribution.

I have conversations multiple times each day with humans who make the following statements repeatedly, “I can’t wait until things get back to normal,” “when this is over, I’m gonna be so happy,” “when we get back to normal I’m taking a vacation,” and so on and so on…

I try to challenge and encourage them to find happiness in small moments and not to wait for “the big and perfect moments” to be happy. To not set expectations of life moments to be “perfect” or at best to accept important life moments happen exactly the way they’re supposed to happen. Forcing and manipulating them to be perfect sets us up for failure and unhappiness because the illusion of perfection will never be obtained again. (Kinda like chasing the first high)

I’d love to blame Covid (like we do for everything right now) this mentality however, this chasing of perfection has been around for quite some time. Where it began…maybe Moses and the commandments, maybe the selling of the American dream the nice home, car, 2.5 kids, and the best job. For women, it’s the perfect relationship, doting, hard working, flowers, jewelry…ugh.

I know lots of women who fantasize about the proposal and the wedding-but do not focus on the actual relationship and the person they’ve matched beyond “the job, the car, and the body.” I know lots of men that focus on “the boobs, the butt, and the way she may look on their arm.” Then three kids later, and a couple of affairs later they “don’t know what happened.”

Unfortunately, Covid has increased a sense of failure to achieve “perfection or the great happiness” we “deserve!” Ugh, another word that reinforces this entitlement of “the great American dream.” The isolation and separation of social connectedness has continued to create the divide of a nation in which dreams were built upon and turned to greed. The rich fear the poor will take “their money” they made off the backs of the poor, the divide will only continue.

Humanity is greedy and unfortunately the greedy are getting greedier, brazen, and more violent (January 6, 2021). Many who CAN improve their circumstances, choose to blame their problems on others, versus working and not being generationally lazy (this one hits home), then whining about how hard life is. Life is hard. It’s very hard. You do NOT deserve anymore than life. This really hurts those who are ready and willing to do the hard work.

I could go on and on about how we chase our tails for finding happiness but I’ll summarize this quickly-

  • We see something that someone else has and we want it
  • We make little or no effort to work towards what we desire
  • We blame others for why we can’t get/have it
  • We become angry because we don’t get what we want handed to us
  • We create hostility and resentment in our circle, social media, gossip
  • Someone calls us out on our bullshit and we don’t like it
  • We tel ourselves that someone kept us from getting what we want.

Simple human behavior patterns, I know and have been married to humans who have behavior patterns like this. it’s pretty despicable and creates many victims, in addition to becoming a drain on their families, coworkers, businesses they work for(use of sick leave, unsafe conditions), and the continuing generational beliefs that “they are owed something.”

We are owed nothing. I see so much pain and suffering from chasing happiness that comes and goes without satisfying the chaser. Practice being more present instead of chasing a ghost happiness that doesn’t exist. Absorb satisfaction in the bite of cake, the dram of whiskey, the pizza you share with love ones, and the silence of solitude and being alive.

My point is this, be present in your life and enjoy the small moments of joy just as much as the big moments. Manage your expectations and avoid the idea of “perfection” based on Hollywood and royalty standards. LIVE!

~WM~

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“No Is a Four Letter Word…

As a therapist, a mother, and an ex to at least one or more people-I know that being told “No” is a four letter word. One of my friends referred to being told no as “vitamin N.” Which, interestingly is something we all need to be injected with routinely so we learn to manage our thoughts and emotions when denied what we desire.

But alas-the entitlement runs deep and is reinforced by the “I deserve and it isn’t fair” generation. Delayed gratification and hard work seems to have gone by the wayside as the participation trophy mentality takes over to reinforce the beliefs that “I tried to do it, so I am owed something.” At this point I usually see humans act as “passive participants,” in their own life. They believe that life is “just happening to them and they have no control…

If one feels out of control, they usually do whatever they can to “feel some type of control” which, in my vast experience is a lot like a child when they throw a tantrum when they don’t get chocolate milk with their dinner. Now, picture this, adults with access to weapons (this includes their words), poor impulse control, poor emotional self-regulation skills, and a strong sense of entitlement and feelings of self-righteousness. Sound fun? (that was rhetorical) When I read the description to some friends, they insisted I was describing a prison population.

When we use the word deserve, should, always, never, and fair with humans, a sense of entitlement is formed. A healthy level of expectations may be healthy at times and can be useful to be assertive when communicating needs, i.e. to request raises, when communicating needs in relationships, expectations of behavior of children or employees. An excessive (any amount that creates the belief you can act with aggression and/or violence if you do not get what you feel you are owed) level of entitlement can lead to mass shootings, political violence, work place violence, and domestic violence.

USE the word NO! Teach what the word no means…be okay with taking no for an answer. Learn skills to manage your negative emotions…look at the list below and identify some traits you may exhibit…

Do you have any of these tendencies.

  1. You expect the same rules that apply to others shouldn’t apply to you.
  2. You see your own interests as more interesting than other people’s.
  3. You disregard rules that are intended for everyone’s comfort. For example, you ignore signs asking you to please not put your feet on the chairs at the movies.
  4. You freeload. Everyone can minimize and justify taking the extra packets that’s why they put them out there, right?
  5. You inconvenience others without thinking. Late much often?
  6. You think it’s okay to upset or offend other people by saying whatever you want and throw the first amendment out like its parade candy. (BTW, that amendment only protects you from the government shutting you down)
  7. You see people who like to keep the peace as weak.

Some tips to help manage those tendencies…

  1. Take perspective
  2. Sensitize yourself to how good it feels to promote other people’s successes. (not just people you like)
  3. Ask yourself…what are some reasons the same rules that apply to everyone else should also apply to you? What are some reasons why keeping peace and avoiding upsetting or offending people (unless absolutely necessary) may be a better approach?

In my opinion there are at least two types of people who have entitlement tendencies; those who feel ashamed of their tendencies and feel motivated to change and those who see no reason to change. Which wolf are you feeding?

Masked up like a super hero!

How about some Basil Hayden Dark Rye to pair with this blog…