Tag: emotionally damaged

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Don’t Open My Burger…

During cocktail hour last night, while we were enjoying 1792 Full proof and Knob Creek 120 proof we were discussing our relationship and how good it is and why it works so well. We laughed because it’s philosophy is based on him opening his own burger…

In 2020 my human and I were driving across the country and drove through a Wendy’s to grab a quick bite. We both ordered burgers (his a junior deluxe, mine was a junior bacon), there were no differences in the wrapping of the burgers and his burger seemed pretty easy to manage to drive if it was opened for him, which I was happy to help with. However, when I attempted to open it for him he said, “here let me get it, you don’t know how I like it.”

This was interesting as I have opened many sandwiches, candy, chips, etc. for people I co-piloted with and there were only minimal complaints. So I watched to learn and see what magical process he had to manage his burger while driving. Little did I know that the magic wasn’t in the unwrapping, the magic was in the concept that he could do it himself and could manage his business without being reliant on someone, which then could and usually does lead to expectations.

We have talked about this so many times and laughed about it as we both agree that there is a necessity for autonomy in relationships. Co-dependency is so easy to fall into and it is extremely unhealthy. Not being able to act as an independent agent is unhealthy and will always lead to relationship problems. Money, food, chores, jobs, children, church/faith, vacations, leisure, and so many other matters fall under this umbrella.

I love spending time with my person. So much. He is my best friend. I never wonder or worry about where I stand in any situation unless I create a narrative in my head through my trauma lens or a core belief. HOWEVER, and this is a big however as you tell by the all caps…we both are aware of the internal dialogue beast, and when this happen, which it has only happened twice for me, I don’t make my crap his crap. He is completely honest about when he is off and if we need to address something we have already addressed it way before he maybe “feeling off.”

When he is off, I give him space and go on about my business. He doesn’t need to be coddled or prodded to tell me what “I did” and I know not to make his moment about me and my insecurities. He unwraps his own burger. We do not have unknown expectations on each other. We have basic humans in relationships rules, like “don’t cheat.” Pretty basic, but given human history we both wanted to make sure this was definitely a no go behavior! Basically, DO NO HARM is the core of our relationship with one another and others.

If we follow that, our human tendencies to try to control, when we feel like we don’t have control, or to react when we should take a step back and respond when it’s better and more calm continue to work for us. We support and validate one another when it’s appropriate, and challenge one another when it’s appropriate. We do so with respect and awareness of our motives (the why).

I know from two dead marriages, I was a part of the math that lead to their death. I did not want to be a part of another relationship with someone that made being single more appealing. If couples can learn to keep their individuality in their relationships without all the insecurities (which would benefit from dealing with in therapy prior to entering into a relationship) you could have a lifetime of happiness.

I wish everyone the best in their relationships, and I want to encourage those struggling to get into therapy right away. Medications are there for helping, and life skills are always important to learn to help us solve our problems or to manage distress in the moment…

~WM~

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My Soap Box for the Month…

Why are some people uncomfortable talking, reading, or listening to someone about their mental health, abusive relationships, and life struggles? Why do so many people avoid facing the reality that life, for some people, seems so hard to manage for various reasons? This problem is so prevalent in our world right now and although you may not care, if we don’t try to be better now our future generations will continue to suffer.

Let’s take a step back to a time when you were a young kid to early teen and you had a problem and or you were suffering or perhaps uncomfortable in some way. Now stay in that moment and focus on how the moment was resolved. Did a parent or guardian comfort you and remove the problem causing the suffering? Did a parent or guardian guide you to figure it out? Did a parent or guardian ignore you and your problems? Did you have to resolve or reconcile the problem yourself?

The answer to these questions are the reasons why some people struggle with adversity and problem solving basic life problems to big life problems. The answer to the questions seem simple and straightforward but they aren’t. Unfortunately, when suffering is removed without learning skills to manage our feelings when we suffer, we grow up not knowing how to handle the hard times. It’s that Simple. Except, without learning those skills you become the world problem. You blame others for your burdens, and this of us that are fixers get dumped on. <insert cough> (Climate change, psychopaths that start wars, etc…)

I learned many things the hard way by choice. Some was not by choice and yet I still had to figure that shit out. I could have easily been a blamer and claimed hardships due to past trauma and such. However, I was fortunate to consider that avenue the path with the least integrity. I also did not resort to illegal means (minus underage drinking) to comfort myself during my trying times. I was also intelligent enough to watch how the generation before me solved their life problems and applied the strategies to my own situations. Because I knew what I wanted in life and I had to get after it myself. It wasn’t going to be handed to me.

However, there are so many that had adversity and suffering removed from their life by parents who suffered and didn’t want their offspring to suffer like they did. So a large group of humans are walking around not knowing how to manage their shit! Drugs and alcohol helped them escape and avoid the “in the moment” feelings but what happens when the drugs and alcohol wear off? Job loss, relationships are dissolved, children of divorce become lost property…etc.

Presently we have a generation of young people watching their poorly trained parents trying to manage their life behind bars, through drug courts, through DFS supervision or worse, the parent has passed leaving the young person to fend for themselves. Perpetuating the cycle of poor problem solving for generations to come.

I get that it may be easier to let others “fix” your problems and if that works and you aren’t creating more problems for the world, then great. Hopefully you’ll get professional help and apply the learned strategies. Life is hard. We will suffer everyday! You choose the easy way (not to cope or accept responsibility) or you can grow and learn. Your choice.

~WM~

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“Why” P2 Do We Change for Others…

How many times have we made adjustments in or likes/dislikes for another person? How many times have we adjusted our values or our life goals to settle for someone and then tell ourselves that we “want this” and it is “better than” what we had originally planned. I have done this for humans, jobs, and other life situations to accommodate whatever shit show was happening and to keep a peace “for myself” really others because I didn’t want an argument.

But where do we draw the line? We tell ourselves we are yielding for peace or love-or whatever other bullshit justifications we use. I look at my friends and watch them behave in ways and walk down paths I have already treaded and I feel helpless. I see those that I serve doing some of the same behaviors and think to myself-“wow, I did this and if I can overcome this, so can they.”

But the first step is “recognizing” what is happening. Being aware of what we are doing is key…Of course if I had asked myself the “why” I would have seen it and paid more attention. However, I didn’t and I became who I am, and I am okay with it because I am “finally me!” (Well the current version)

So, the “why” again…here are some “why’s” to ask for when we accommodate…p.s. there are bonus questions.

  • Why am I changing my goal?
  • Why/How is this important to me and my future?
  • Why is this person/place/thing worth changing my goals?
    • BONUS questions:
      • How will this serve my integrity?
      • How will this help serve my mission?
      • Is it worth the cost of my healthy self?
  • Why am I changing who I am/want to be?

When I stopped changing myself for others I found a freedom like I have never known. The freedom to sit and be still with my own skin. The ability to take a step back and allow others to behave and have needs that I cannot control (nor would I want to anymore). To accept that I don’t need someone to watch me or engage with me to validate my existence.

For those that struggle with being alone and making their own way… it seems those folks need a witness to their living. They need someone to see what they are doing and validate their existence. Like gym buddies, social media (yeah the irony is not lost on me), etc…this isn’t all unhealthy. However, if one can be independent and live alone and not feel lonely, this could lead to a healthy relationship.

Frankly, I bended and broke so much before I seen it each and every time. The only way up for me was to go it alone…I totally White-snaked it. I had humans to spend time with when I wanted to, I had my family-but kept at a distance at times to gather and regroup independently, and I had my littles. So ultimately, I was very comfortable with being alone and enjoying the journey of getting to know myself.

Going down my path lead me to my human. I do not bend. I do not yield. The fact is, I haven’t felt like I had to change anything except my location. (But that was a no brainer.) I do what I need to and what to, he gets the same respect, and we have the loveliest journeys together. We have different perspectives and opinions, but we never fight because it’s okay to have different thoughts and ideas.

We have life struggles like everyone else-family loss, routine shifts, work needs/stressors, cleaning, laundry, meals, vacations, etc…but we do it as a team. Because we knew our “why” we don’t usually have to ask the big “whys” to get the daily life covered.

Figure out who YOU are before you figure out anyone else for YOU. Use the “whys” and if you have to use very many whys about changing yourself you may be in a toxic environment. There could also be life events that can change a person such as injuries(TBI’s) or catastrophic life experiences. However, with medical and psychological assistance you’ll be able to iron the details out for an outcome.

But for most of us just looking to not feel alone, that change ourselves for the “way we think it’s supposed to be” I implore you to challenge that behavior. Ask yourself “why am I doing this?”

~WM~

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It’s My Grief and I’ll Cry If I Want To…

I miss my mom so much. Today as I was completing assessments and evaluations for work and realized I feel like I’m at the point where I think it may be uncomfortable for others when I mention how much I miss my mom. Like I’ve hit the expiration date on being able to talk about her death or the loss to others.

I have a really close friend who has lost many loved ones to tragedies. Not just accidentally deaths or an illness, they were taken by violent crimes. This person told me once, that someone close to them had stated it was time to “move on” from her grief. Unfortunately, that sentence has stuck in my crawl since that day.

Even though I hadn’t lost anyone so close to me at that time in my life I started my journey of anxiety about how others may look at my grief when the time comes. Looks like I’m there and I’m here to say, I don’t care. If someone takes issue with their discomfort with my expression of loss that’s NOT my shit-it’s theirs.

I will consider their feelings and abilities to accept I am an “advanced emotional response human,” (trademark pending) however, MAYBE the people who are uncomfortable with emotions were able to read up on the importance of healthy emotional expression, I wouldn’t have to curb my sorrow and sadness. I mean seriously, it’s only been five months!

I don’t know. It’s a theory that seems plausible. I’m not a fan of feeling that much negative emotion. I like to feel it, use the information and make choices based on the information. For example, if I’m feeling sad and thinking about my mom, I’m not going to watch programs on TV that stirs or makes the emotions stronger-like Mary Poppins. I’m gonna watch a movie where people, places, and things are unrealistically blown up. But I’m happy to sit with the feelings and explore why I’m having them and “be okay” with having them.

I could probably rant on about this but the bottom line is this…stop telling, demanding, or passive-aggressively making it uncomfortable for people to express their grief. If you think someone is spending too much time on the loss of their loved one-they are not the problem, you are. If they have signs or symptoms of a deeper issue, i.e., depression that lasts longer than a few weeks, encourage them to talk to a professional.

Thankfully, I talk to myself a lot. JK, I have a great support system and frankly, if anyone says it’s time to move on, I’ll tell them they’re right, and I’ll move on from them.

As always, with blunt force honesty,

~WM~

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What Happens, Happens Over and Over…With an Injured Narcissist

I really wanted to start this blog off by just complaining about how near sighted (not those suffering from the medical condition) people can be about their problems and the real problems in the world. But In my experience those who want to ignore their own shit show are able to fake an ability to appear intelligent but emotional intelligence is highly lacking.

I have spent my entire career watching humans who feel broken, less than, insignificant, self-inflated, unwanted, unloveable, and have a false sense of attractiveness behave in ways that to the naked eye appears normal. However, this is not the case. I have watched these same humans reach the epitome of lying to themselves and others making it appear they got their shit together.

To the injured narcissist who is pissed because you catch on to their game may not be worth your time to engage further. Especially, if they’re playing the victim when you call them out either directly or indirectly (through a third party) for their bullshit. They are playing games. Both with themselves and others who are watching so they can continue to have a group of followers adore them AND be able to keep them as followers when their ego is injured enough to actually react when they’re called out on something they know that they should not be doing to begin with.

Why we find narcissists interesting? Most of the time they are funny, attractive, and eager to be friendly and give attention to those that can be easy to manipulate for stuff or sex. But wait. When the attention you give in return does not meet their exact specifications they will shift control in the relationship and pull the power card. This is the same in ALL their relationships; Friendships, sexual partners, and family dynamics.

Narcissistic persons can be helpful at times. They can be entertaining (at least for me) sometimes, but I have tried to be friends with some and it’s exhausting. They are most happy when you accommodate them. But the best ones are the ones who say things like, “you’re amazing and I know I can count on you when the time comes.” Wow. That’s like holding a person hostage if one lets it happen. Especially if they’re desperate for attention. Desperate people may sit and wait until they’re summoned. Either for sex, entertainment, or other kind gestures you can provide your narcissistic leader.

I’ve seen it. It’s disgusting and it’s not just men or women who linger and wait for these awful humans . It’s both! I have a few guy friends who have shared their experience. I’ll call them “Bill and Ted” and FYI- they did not having an excellent adventure. Bill recently shared his being cheated on with someone who was sleeping with a married person. WTF. Ted was dating someone who was married , but in the process of the big D, and they lied to him multiple times and was cheating on him.

It gets worse. Both took the partners back to offer a second chance and it happened again. These guys are kind, honest, and generous. I know men who have been in relationships with women who have used them, i.e. no job, cheated, lazy and then blame the men for being unhappy. Ugh. It’s sickening. The men in the same scenario and have also been unhappy, tried to make it work, but still never cheated.

These humans keep diving into the same relationship pool. Why?? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… the pleasure principle. Yep. It’s the “instinctive drive to seek pleasure and avoid pain, expressed by the id as a basic motivating force which reduces psychic tension.” The pleasure principle is also nearsighted. It focuses on the immediate future, not the big picture.

So when we engage and have interpersonal relationships with the narcissist it’s exciting until it’s not. We ignore the red flags until it’s too late. We give in to our pleasure principle because it feels good, until it doesn’t. When it no longer feels good…not unlike a drug addict we seek to find the next quick fix to help us feel better and good. We do this as fast as possible. So when we do this it reinforces the cycle over and over.

Good luck in this process. It’s hard for many, especially if you married the assholes. I’m healing and walking away carrying a can of gasoline and a lit match…all hypothetical of course. 😉

Three words. Healthy coping skills. Learn to set those boundaries I mentioned in “We Give…” practice them over and over until you are able to enjoy a sense of peace with being by yourself. At the very least, ask yourself how the narcissist has positively influenced your life. If there are more sincere and truthful positives I’ll be surprised and question your honesty with yourself. But they may be there. Either way…be honest with yourself and the narcissist in your life.

~WM~

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We Give and We Give and We Give…

How much is too much to give of yourself? How many times have you asked yourself, “What is wrong with me, why am I not good enough?” I admit to doing this in the past, and sometimes it’ll rear its ugly head in ways related to the distancing and independence my little people try to exhibit (which is a great thing), but more so when I was being treated like shit by those one people.

I’ve been rolling the “I’m not good enough” (which is what makes us a victim) and the “why am I not good enough” around in my mind lately as many of my circle are feeling this burden. Even the ones that are keeping this pain in their lives. The rolling is persistent and it’s driving me crazy.

So here are my two cents…

“What is wrong with me” is a response to being rejected, and no one likes to be rejected, feel rejected, or even feel like they are not being placed first in the other person’s list of priorities. Which honestly, being the first priority in someone else’s life is not healthy…just as you should not have anyone else as a first priority in your life (we will get to that).

“Why am I not good enough” is a self defeating thought that we ask ourselves which reinforces the belief that someone else has the power to determine our worth. Ugh. We have literally given our self worth to someone else to tell us if we are good enough-IF they choose us then we are good enough, if they don’t, there is something wrong with us.

Both have implications of not having a sense of “Locus of Control” -Locus of control “is the degree to which people believe that they, as opposed to external forces, have control over the outcome of events in their lives.” BUT-we actually do have the ability to control if and when we give our control and power to others. AGAIN-WE HAVE THE POWER.

We tell ourselves it’s us that is the problem and that we aren’t good enough and then we finally get past that relationship and right on to the next one JUST LIKE IT!! We need to break the pattern. It’s not easy, but the practice can be as simple as this-telling yourself:

  1. I have value… make a list of what you believe your value is-think, what do I bring to the table…I help people.
  2. I have worth…which is different from value. I have integrity and I believe I can achieve my goals if I work hard enough!
  3. No one has the power to determine if I am good enough unless I give it to them. I’ve recently begun to allow myself to explore and process how the insight and observations pointed out by the man I love change me internally and thus leading to positive outward changes.

Being able to do this has been a long and arduous journey- and I’m no where close to being done. This path is hard and uncomfortable. We often choose comfortable over uncomfortable but for your own sake- choose being uncomfortable.

Even though it’s hard to have the conversations with those we are either required to engage with, or those we want to interact with to move forward in our relationships the payoff is worth it. For the ones we are required to engage with, it will help keep good boundaries and clarity with facts.

For the relationship journey I’ll use my own experience. It’s often very exciting and I catch myself eager to learn new ways to get out of my shell and forgive myself for the lock and key I’ve used to protect my mind and heart. Sometimes I can feel very overwhelmed and I have to talk about it with my guy which again, this helps reinforce my self worth and sense of control over my life. Also whiskey. Whiskey helps.

I know it seems like it’s easy for me to point this shit out and walk away. But know, I’m not walking away. I’m repeating this everyday to whoever needs to hear it and I am in constant check of myself. Luckily, I have found my soulmate to help keep this process growing. As noted above-I do not put him as my first priority. I don’t put my littles as my first priority (their safety, yes)-I have to make myself a priority for my mental well beings sake.

No one can be in any healthy interpersonal relationship unless they are mentally healthy. One has to be able to love theirselves and take care of their mental health to truly work able to help others to grow in a meaningful way. Sure you can fake it for a bit-years even. But by then the damage is done. Years of work to undo that damage will be required. Thankfully, I am practicing this now. hopefully, always since I’m with my human.

This amazing man I love laughs sometimes because it’s hard for him to believe someone really wants the truth and to be challenged (spaced out over time of course too much and I’ll explode) especially when what needs to be said doesn’t feel good to hear. But finally, I’ve reached the point and met my human and I can always count on his honesty, loyalty, and support to grow as a human. For that, I’m grateful and fortified everyday.

Handsome D-thank you for being my binary… ~WM~

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Divorce Communication 101…

NO ONE wants to look at their soon to be ex (unless the parasite is thinking they can manipulate the host into thinking they are still worth it) let alone have to communicate or be forced to have a conversation beyond basic interactions. Seriously. Sign the papers and leave me alone. BUT. WAIT.

There is a vital need to keep dialogue open during the separation process, especially when parenting plans and schedules are a required agenda item to discuss. IF all goes smoothly, then everyone can focus on healing and moving forward.

But what happens when the soon to be ex has a personality problem that magically seems to have appeared at the start of the divorce? Well, sorry folks. That personality problem has been there for a really long time and you’ve allowed for their behavior to exist and thrive without addressing it, and the time has come to pay the piper.

Unfortunately, the piper comes the same time you’re trying to heal, figure out meaning in your life, and if kids are a part of the mess, protect them from further damage and provide an imaginary normalcy that leads to a new normal.

Here are some helpful, and proven to be successful tips when dealing with a difficult ex… Just remember buttons will attempt to be pushed so be ready to repeat some of the steps noted below.

  • If they start making personal statements of any kind towards you by ways of being demeaning/attacking you, talking about your personal life, your parenting skills (other than positive) set boundaries by stating that you do not wish to engage in further conversations if you cannot stay on topic. Then STICK to the statement. Do NOT be wishy-washy.
  • Let the ex know clearly, that all matters related to the separation of stuff and the divorce will be handled in court by your attorney. Again-do not be drawn into a text or verbal conversation with this person. They know you, they know how to engage you and keep you engaged.
  • As for the kids-same thing. Stick to scheduling topics and only use facts. Do not tell the ex what the kids tell you unless there is a report of illegal activities or you can clearly identify a decline or deterioration of the child’s well being. TALK to your attorney. Get the child counseling. DO not make up any abuse or alleged illegal behaviors to suit your cause. This will cause irreparable harm to all involved.
  • DO NOT make your agenda about causing your ex mental anguish, harm, or punishment. Although most may deny this, the separation and pending divorce is hurting them. DO NOT show outward happiness that they are suffering.
  • If all else fails in any of the small steps noted above, or if you begin to feel a rise in emotions and the urge to argue-disengage. Find a viable reason to walk away to give yourself a timeout.

There are lots of separated pairs that seek retribution for the perceived wrongs that have been committed upon them. Maybe this is owed to you, maybe not. If you are in a situation in which you claim to be completely surprised by a separation or divorce your circumstances are usually very rare if there were not clear signs that your relationship had problems.

Whatever your situation personality disorders are sometimes cleverly packaged into the “they’ll make the perfect spouse” option because you made them fit into it. We seen the signs however, we justified ignoring them. That is our fault. But now we must move forward no matter how they try to blame us or make the situation worse by attacking mental health, how one may use recreational/social time, or any other part of your life that doesn’t not pertain to them.

To be able to move forward you just use the boundaries noted above. Social media and other social attacks are not healthy for littles involved, and although you may believe you are justified in doing this, you are NOT. I have worked with many families through attorneys and the courts to address the break down of relationships with noncustodial parents and their offspring, only to learn that the custodial parent (often times the step parents too) have belittled, name called, and knowingly destroyed or damaged their child’s positive beliefs of the noncustodial parent.

I will call this out every time. The only time I will support educating a child of their noncustodial parent’s behavior is related to abuse or neglect. Parents should never use their children as leverage or as a tool to create or inflict psychological damage. This hurts EVERYONE.

Communication is the number one problem in our world. Everyone wants to talk, very few want to listen. Everyone has the right answers, very few can take perspective. “I FEEL” does not equate to “FACTS.” No matter how strong your feelings are, it does not mean it’s true.

As always, take care of your mental health…seek help if you have trouble managing this journey.

~WM~

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The Inevitability

Since the creation of this blog, approximately a year ago, I have promised to be truthful and vulnerable with myself and those I allow to be within the circle. This post is no different. This year has been transforming and eye opening as I transitioned from married, separated, divorced, falling in love (um, finally) and now having to experience the feelings that result from sharing my littles and being the parent referred to as “the one that has to be tough.”

This morning I had to have a hard conversation with a little brain with an “underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex” from a spin off of events that transpired last night. A little back story…for safety purposes and good parenting strategies I do not allow sleepovers unless one is vetted. Does that make me a mean mom, yep. Does that make me a over cautious, maybe. Persistent human behavior patterns indicate that boundaries can be crossed by those we are supposed to trust the most…(fight me on this).

As a result of having a healthy conversation with the under developed brain, acceptance was exhibited. However, (and in a very loving way) I was informed that the ex’s gf was “a teensy bit nicer” (pinching fingers as close together as possible) than me. To be fair, I’m sure there are many, many, many people who are a “teensy bit nicer” than me in the world. However, the blow I fully expected to feel when I inevitably would hear such a phrase…(btw, she is really nice) didn’t hit me in the gut the way I expected it to hit.

It was weird. My brain, of course defended me (my brain is so thoughtful) by rationalizing the “firm, fair, loving, and consistent” (yelling, repeating myself a hundred thousand times, and screaming “no” more times a day than I can count) mom approach is necessary for orderly conduct and emotional regulation skill development (being told no multiple times each day builds character). A competitive ping hit my stomach, but the brain quickly dissolved that negative emotion by reminding me that there is no competition unless one creates one. With this kind human, I know there is no competition because we are both very loving moms, who would protect our cubs to the death. (I’m being quite literal)

This process was annoying, it felt human, however, it was a great opportunity to look at the situation and make sure I take away the lesson I was intended to learn. As this lesson began last night, the process for me was feeling rage for this idea being presented AT ALL…(my entitlement and expectations not being met). Venting to a safe friend…we shall call her “the Blue Fairy.” Feeling fortified by my parental Blue Fairy, I let the ex know what my expectations and limits were (while still escalating to a full on panic and “fix the situation mode”).

In the end I was able to explain my concerns and acknowledge feelings and thoughts the ex may have had. I also however, I provided and alternative solution without antagonizing or exacerbating the incident any further (problem solving). Without further incident the situation was resolved and the emotional dissonance I felt languished eventually…but the gentle reminders of my past lingered in my brain too long. Triggering more than I wanted triggered.

I don’t like feeling “out of control” when it comes to safety. I have modified how I react and protect my broad to be less intense, however, the brain still kicks into a gear that screams “don’t even try it” when it comes to their safety. I. Just. Can’t. I’m exhausted from worry sometimes and I realize the world will happen because that’s what it does. But I will do my damndest to keep them and as many as possible safe from the unseen but well known dangers that linger on the sidelines like a friend…

~WM~

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Close Encounters…

The world changes everyday sun comes up, it either rains, is overcast, or it is sunny (sometimes all in one day). Nature changes seasons four times each year, it sheds each seasons’ skin looking anew and creates an inspiring and beautiful display that incites vacation dreams to see fall foliage or winter wonderlands. For the record, for those who live in the Midwest, there are times we can see seasons change like 10 times each week! How is it that most humans who have a reasonable amount of cognitive ability, can see the seasons change, but find it difficult to see how humans would also benefit from growing and changing? How is is that one can repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over again and actually believe it’s someone else’s fault??

It’s not as if they do not complain about their mistakes and at times, own their role in the problem. However, they are so determined to undermine their responsibility and instead make themselves the victim. For clarification purposes-when someone makes themselves the victim this is not inferring to victims of abuse or assault. This blog is referring to persons who are never wrong, who create problems then sit back and let the world crumble around them waiting for a rescue.

Male and female humans do this behavior. I believe I had a cat who did this from time to time, but she was cute and furry so I usually forgave her. Which enabled the repeated behavior pattern. Hmmm…see how easy it is to just let that pattern occur when something is cute or we get something out of it? My cat knew what he was doing! He is a cat! Clever as they come. He used his furry cuddles to manipulate me into accepting his bullshit behaviors (using floors for restrooms, getting high off catnip and making a mess of my house with food and his toys everywhere).

Hmmm…see how quickly that shit escalates if we don’t put it in check? What does check mean, you ask? How does one actually put that shit in check, you ask? Well, it’s not easy to do, for even the most seasoned “checkers.” But let’s try…here are a few scenarios I have encountered and what I have done to address the situations. Remember, I learned to apply the interventions by practicing and by telling myself, no matter what the outcome, I MUST NOT lose myself, my integrity, or my dignity in being humble.

I have a basic formula I use in the beginning, then if my basic formula doesn’t work I have to up the assertiveness skills. All will be noted below, but the basic formula in ascending levels is as follows (DO NOT BE RUDE, this makes them the victim and you the asshole): 1-don’t engage with the person (use limited eye contact), 2- keep all responses to a head nod or one word response, 3-assertively ask them if you can discuss this later, 4-let them know you care, AND you are really busy at the moment (avoid the BUT), 5-apologize for the exit then walk away.

  1. “Feeling like I have to listen to someone talk when I don’t want to” What I Do: I tried the basic formula… However, they missed all the marks. Then they followed me out! Which pissed me off. So I sternly stated that I was really busy and couldn’t talk right then. I had process the incident for a day or so, and I came to the conclusion that I felt like the person was holding me hostage. Which can quickly become a comparison to my abuse emotions and be a trigger. I will follow up with these people and let them know how I was affected if this behavior occurs frequently, which has only been two people. Some people end up just being the fifth circle set of humans I engage with.
  2. “the neighbor of complexity” this is related to working with or giving next to other humans who are not in sync with your moods, work this, or lifestyle… What I Do: The basic formula usually works in these scenarios, however, as an employee that’s worked in a cube farm and had an office where I couldn’t escape-this shit can escalate quickly. Both at work and at home, sensitivity is key. However, you can go into your home and there are basic laws that protect you from neighbors. At work…there are the criers who sit in the bosses office kissing ass, not doing their work, so they need to have work enemies to blame for their inadequacies. (ever notice these assholes pick the employees who work the hardest to target) Either was if conflict cannot be resolved because they are “victims who are just always in the right” AVOID these people. Be civilized and polite. DO NOT joke, DO NOT divulge secrets to, and DO NOT spend time with people they spend time with, and then repeat the DO NOT’s.
  3. The “drama filled friend that is generous, kind, and has their own kind of hurt.” What I Do: This friend is the most important of them all. This friend has a heart of gold when they are within their baseline. I have to remember this when I am working through negative reactions to what is happening in a reaction to their behaviors. I have to tell myself not to allow the loss of who I am and who I want to be, AND I have to not make their shit my shit by setting my boundaries. I let them know I care about them and that I will be there for them, AND I need to make sure I take care of myself (mentally and physically) should I begin to be triggered by their behavior. Walking away in the moment is very hard to do with these friends, AND needs to be done. Of course walking back when the time is right, not when YOU want it to be right is also very important. If they are true friends, you’ll know when…
  4. Finding yourself connected to another human and not wanting the bullshit… (this one became the easiest for me, however, it seems to be the hardest for some) What I Do: In early relationship interactions-I don’t use the formula with this one usually as it may come across as passive aggressive. I have been very upfront in my early conversations with others. I made sure they knew that I know what I have to offer the world, and although I am open for new and exciting, I will not lower my standards and measuring stick expectations for their bullshit. Sticking to my standards is key; I will not yield to asshattery behaviors.

Those are the basic and more overall steps I use to avoid problematic humans who are afraid of change and self-discovery. After I encounter these experiences I have to take time to process what happened. I have to give myself time to ask myself “is this my problem,” “what is my motivation,” “what is my role in the exchange,” “is this a repeated interaction and is it worth my mental well-being to remain engaged,”and similar other “what’s and why’s” to get to the reasons and best possible outcomes.

No matter what the antecedent is, I have learned that I have to “just let some shit go” to preserve my sanity (or what’s left of it). Sometimes it’s easy, and sometimes it’s the hardest thing to do. I get it. I feel this sense of righteousness and I grab hold and hang on like a five year old with a toy they don’t want to share. I want to feel vindicated, I want to feel and reinforce the sense of being just and right because it will feel good to know that what I think, believe, and feel is the truth…unfortunately-this is not what leads to facts or healthy conflict resolution. If I follow the formula I have designed over years of experience of getting wrong, I will grow and change-and maybe, just maybe I can benefit those people that I have close encounters with.

Socially Distancing Yours,

WM

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I’m Not Damaged…I’m Slightly Dented

It feels crazy to consider someone loving me for who I am, for where I’ve been, and where I want to be in my life. Of course, with that being said-I do love myself most of the time and I’ve come to accept most of my past by chalking it up to life lessons and mistakes. Which technically, by clinical standards is acceptable.

When I felt love (with very few exceptions) it was scary and I immediately flipped a switch to be a different yet the same person. I put a persona out there I was comfortable giving, thus allowing myself to feel safe enough to interact or engage with the person. I felt safe, but it felt political. I was making the best effort to balance between what I thought was supposed to happen and what the person (not me) needed. All while I stood a safe distance away from the persons who cared about me where I could escape or evade when I needed to.

This habit was not just in my personal relationships. This behavior existed during my interactions with family, friends, and colleagues. Up until recently I believed it was because I wouldn’t allow myself to move past the second ring in my circle of trust. However, in the past year I’ve learned that I didn’t know how to reconcile my fear of being in danger(abuse) and feeling safe enough to develop a trust with another human. There were few exceptions made.

Having been taught from early childhood that I was “pretty” or received treats/special attention because someone wanted something from me-which often resulted something that resulted in pain and humiliation. So the logical conclusion was and still is at times, if someone uses kind words and does kind things for me, I’m going to be hurt or humiliated and that I would lose my power and autonomy.

Now I find myself in this new relationship. Which is great because I’ve been able to reconcile most of my demons and allow the person I really am out. However, there are times when the scared little girl rears her head leading the adult woman to feel disjointed. Thus, leading to confusion and at times, an imbalance of control over and in my life.

Now add the recent furlough and feeling weak and vulnerable because of the sense of loss in my identity. Yep. It becomes the complete VIP package for insecurity. The doubts, fears, personal judgements, shame, and the ultimate firework finale of self-destructive behaviors.

Except now it’s different; I’m different. Now I can recognize when the fear creeps in. I can slow it down, put a name to it, let it keep me awake at night, and then write about the demon. Every time I give it a name and take my power back the occurrences become less frequent. Which gives me hope for a day when I can just “be.” One day I won’t feel the need to throw up the wall, lock down my emotions, and pretend I’m always ok.

One day I won’t feel damaged, just slightly dented…