Tag: divorce

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“How Do You Measure Up…”

How do you compare yourself to others and how does this affect your sense of self worth? In my late 20’s I measured my worth based on my job importance, such as “am I making a difference,” “do people respect me,” and (the big one) “am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing?” In my late 30’s the measuring stick changed to “am I making a difference,” “am I happy/fulfilled,” and “do I respect myself?”

Now I focus on – “is what I’m doing still fulfilling,” “am I doing a good job parenting,” am I being authentic?” The latter of which is the most important to me. This is because I want to feel peace in all parts of my life. I want to have integrity for me, not for anyone else. Because I feel strong in my sense of self I’m able to model this for my children and the people I serve. I bring myself a profound sense of genuine peace being authentic.

When asking others how they measure their worth I’ve received an interesting and consistent response of “I don’t know.” Money, career, family, fame…the consistency of being told how “they’ve never really thought about that” tells me we are not teaching people how to love a fulfilling and meaningful life, yet we know that not living in this life leads to substantial risk for alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling addiction, pornography addiction, high risk relationships or sexual behaviors…the list goes on.

When I ask people about this I generally ask “what makes them unworthy” because this is the strongest feeling and thought about themselves they have. Then I ask them to identify the facts to support this belief. Shockingly (or not shockingly to some) they have very few facts to support this belief. An even greater discovery is that it has been external life events that they use to reinforce this belief!

The examples typically given are:

  • “My partner broke up with me” so this means I’m not good enough. It’s not because they’re incompatible or anything….
  • “My parents beat me,” so I must be bad. The abuse is about the abuser not the person abused.
  • I didn’t get the job I wanted…
  • I don’t have as many friends as…
  • I don’t make a lot of money…
  • I can’t get organized in my life…
  • People won’t help me anymore…

There’s a pattern here if you see it. I don’t get what I want so I must not be worthy (not a fact, but using thoughts and feelings). We are not owed anything and it’s our responsibility to challenge these distortions, and if we are miserable in life we have a responsibility to get help and not be a burden on the systems of others. Talk to someone who will help you identify these patterns and challenge them.

I really wanted a promotion one time. I was promised by one of my favorite people I was up for it. Not getting that promotion was a wonderful lesson for me. Although I told myself this was going to be a meaningful lesson at the time, I didn’t believe it. But I knew telling myself it would be helped me feel less like a piece of worthless human trash. I am very thankful now because I may still be at the job not feeling fulfilled, I wouldn’t have healthy kiddos, and I know I wouldn’t have the human who was molded just for me.

So ask yourself now…”how do I measure up?”

~WM~

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“What Are You Telling Yourself…”

Recently there has been a rash of common sense and logic shine through when I have asked my humans, “what did you hear me say” which will allow me to know if the message I am hoping I am giving is actually being received. Next I ask, “what are you telling yourself about what I said.” Asking this helps me understand what may lead to their “overthinking,” over reacting, feeling insecure and possibly leading to the blaming of others for their negative outcomes.

I ask questions that note if they are justifying, minimizing, blaming, or making themselves feel small? If so, I ask more questions! Then we discuss how this behavior can be sabotaging and can reinforce unhealthy thoughts and negative core beliefs about self, others, and the world. Thus, allowing one to not be responsible or accountable for the outcome or any behaviors that lead up to the outcome.

We have all done it. Period. For me, it was and still is about needing to have control of EVERYTHING to be safe and protect myself from others. HOWEVER, as it turns I only reinforced the lies “I have to be safe,” “I don’t have any control” etc… but once I had the mental flexibility to take a step back and ask myself what I was telling myself, I was able to be more aware of when I told myself the lies, and then ultimately challenging myself when I told myself the lies.

So how did I do this? Remember the “shoulds, never, always, and every time?” I had to focus on challenging this argument and decrease the shame and fear when I let others take the lead by calling bullshit on my internal dialogue…”I need to be right,” “I need to be liked,” “I need to know that no one is speaking badly about me,” “I need to be safe,” “my family’s wellbeing is dependent on this,” and again the list goes on and on…the worst lies kept me in the most unhealthy relationships. Which goes without saying that this put my love ones in unhealthy situations.

Back to the logic and exciting part…once people started doing this I have been able to witnesses those around me achieve a base operating system that gives them a stronger foundation in their hierarchy of needs. They admit to the themselves they have been leaning towards the negative outcomes, their automatic negative self talk, and a build up to their eventual demise. However, when they are willing to challenge the negative beliefs they are able to meet healthier “clock marks.”

I beg of you to ask yourself what you are telling yourself that feeds that negativity and start challenging that behavior with feeding the healthier wolf!

~WM~

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Don’t Open My Burger…

During cocktail hour last night, while we were enjoying 1792 Full proof and Knob Creek 120 proof we were discussing our relationship and how good it is and why it works so well. We laughed because it’s philosophy is based on him opening his own burger…

In 2020 my human and I were driving across the country and drove through a Wendy’s to grab a quick bite. We both ordered burgers (his a junior deluxe, mine was a junior bacon), there were no differences in the wrapping of the burgers and his burger seemed pretty easy to manage to drive if it was opened for him, which I was happy to help with. However, when I attempted to open it for him he said, “here let me get it, you don’t know how I like it.”

This was interesting as I have opened many sandwiches, candy, chips, etc. for people I co-piloted with and there were only minimal complaints. So I watched to learn and see what magical process he had to manage his burger while driving. Little did I know that the magic wasn’t in the unwrapping, the magic was in the concept that he could do it himself and could manage his business without being reliant on someone, which then could and usually does lead to expectations.

We have talked about this so many times and laughed about it as we both agree that there is a necessity for autonomy in relationships. Co-dependency is so easy to fall into and it is extremely unhealthy. Not being able to act as an independent agent is unhealthy and will always lead to relationship problems. Money, food, chores, jobs, children, church/faith, vacations, leisure, and so many other matters fall under this umbrella.

I love spending time with my person. So much. He is my best friend. I never wonder or worry about where I stand in any situation unless I create a narrative in my head through my trauma lens or a core belief. HOWEVER, and this is a big however as you tell by the all caps…we both are aware of the internal dialogue beast, and when this happen, which it has only happened twice for me, I don’t make my crap his crap. He is completely honest about when he is off and if we need to address something we have already addressed it way before he maybe “feeling off.”

When he is off, I give him space and go on about my business. He doesn’t need to be coddled or prodded to tell me what “I did” and I know not to make his moment about me and my insecurities. He unwraps his own burger. We do not have unknown expectations on each other. We have basic humans in relationships rules, like “don’t cheat.” Pretty basic, but given human history we both wanted to make sure this was definitely a no go behavior! Basically, DO NO HARM is the core of our relationship with one another and others.

If we follow that, our human tendencies to try to control, when we feel like we don’t have control, or to react when we should take a step back and respond when it’s better and more calm continue to work for us. We support and validate one another when it’s appropriate, and challenge one another when it’s appropriate. We do so with respect and awareness of our motives (the why).

I know from two dead marriages, I was a part of the math that lead to their death. I did not want to be a part of another relationship with someone that made being single more appealing. If couples can learn to keep their individuality in their relationships without all the insecurities (which would benefit from dealing with in therapy prior to entering into a relationship) you could have a lifetime of happiness.

I wish everyone the best in their relationships, and I want to encourage those struggling to get into therapy right away. Medications are there for helping, and life skills are always important to learn to help us solve our problems or to manage distress in the moment…

~WM~

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What Happens, Happens Over and Over…With an Injured Narcissist

I really wanted to start this blog off by just complaining about how near sighted (not those suffering from the medical condition) people can be about their problems and the real problems in the world. But In my experience those who want to ignore their own shit show are able to fake an ability to appear intelligent but emotional intelligence is highly lacking.

I have spent my entire career watching humans who feel broken, less than, insignificant, self-inflated, unwanted, unloveable, and have a false sense of attractiveness behave in ways that to the naked eye appears normal. However, this is not the case. I have watched these same humans reach the epitome of lying to themselves and others making it appear they got their shit together.

To the injured narcissist who is pissed because you catch on to their game may not be worth your time to engage further. Especially, if they’re playing the victim when you call them out either directly or indirectly (through a third party) for their bullshit. They are playing games. Both with themselves and others who are watching so they can continue to have a group of followers adore them AND be able to keep them as followers when their ego is injured enough to actually react when they’re called out on something they know that they should not be doing to begin with.

Why we find narcissists interesting? Most of the time they are funny, attractive, and eager to be friendly and give attention to those that can be easy to manipulate for stuff or sex. But wait. When the attention you give in return does not meet their exact specifications they will shift control in the relationship and pull the power card. This is the same in ALL their relationships; Friendships, sexual partners, and family dynamics.

Narcissistic persons can be helpful at times. They can be entertaining (at least for me) sometimes, but I have tried to be friends with some and it’s exhausting. They are most happy when you accommodate them. But the best ones are the ones who say things like, “you’re amazing and I know I can count on you when the time comes.” Wow. That’s like holding a person hostage if one lets it happen. Especially if they’re desperate for attention. Desperate people may sit and wait until they’re summoned. Either for sex, entertainment, or other kind gestures you can provide your narcissistic leader.

I’ve seen it. It’s disgusting and it’s not just men or women who linger and wait for these awful humans . It’s both! I have a few guy friends who have shared their experience. I’ll call them “Bill and Ted” and FYI- they did not having an excellent adventure. Bill recently shared his being cheated on with someone who was sleeping with a married person. WTF. Ted was dating someone who was married , but in the process of the big D, and they lied to him multiple times and was cheating on him.

It gets worse. Both took the partners back to offer a second chance and it happened again. These guys are kind, honest, and generous. I know men who have been in relationships with women who have used them, i.e. no job, cheated, lazy and then blame the men for being unhappy. Ugh. It’s sickening. The men in the same scenario and have also been unhappy, tried to make it work, but still never cheated.

These humans keep diving into the same relationship pool. Why?? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… the pleasure principle. Yep. It’s the “instinctive drive to seek pleasure and avoid pain, expressed by the id as a basic motivating force which reduces psychic tension.” The pleasure principle is also nearsighted. It focuses on the immediate future, not the big picture.

So when we engage and have interpersonal relationships with the narcissist it’s exciting until it’s not. We ignore the red flags until it’s too late. We give in to our pleasure principle because it feels good, until it doesn’t. When it no longer feels good…not unlike a drug addict we seek to find the next quick fix to help us feel better and good. We do this as fast as possible. So when we do this it reinforces the cycle over and over.

Good luck in this process. It’s hard for many, especially if you married the assholes. I’m healing and walking away carrying a can of gasoline and a lit match…all hypothetical of course. 😉

Three words. Healthy coping skills. Learn to set those boundaries I mentioned in “We Give…” practice them over and over until you are able to enjoy a sense of peace with being by yourself. At the very least, ask yourself how the narcissist has positively influenced your life. If there are more sincere and truthful positives I’ll be surprised and question your honesty with yourself. But they may be there. Either way…be honest with yourself and the narcissist in your life.

~WM~

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Divorce Communication 101…

NO ONE wants to look at their soon to be ex (unless the parasite is thinking they can manipulate the host into thinking they are still worth it) let alone have to communicate or be forced to have a conversation beyond basic interactions. Seriously. Sign the papers and leave me alone. BUT. WAIT.

There is a vital need to keep dialogue open during the separation process, especially when parenting plans and schedules are a required agenda item to discuss. IF all goes smoothly, then everyone can focus on healing and moving forward.

But what happens when the soon to be ex has a personality problem that magically seems to have appeared at the start of the divorce? Well, sorry folks. That personality problem has been there for a really long time and you’ve allowed for their behavior to exist and thrive without addressing it, and the time has come to pay the piper.

Unfortunately, the piper comes the same time you’re trying to heal, figure out meaning in your life, and if kids are a part of the mess, protect them from further damage and provide an imaginary normalcy that leads to a new normal.

Here are some helpful, and proven to be successful tips when dealing with a difficult ex… Just remember buttons will attempt to be pushed so be ready to repeat some of the steps noted below.

  • If they start making personal statements of any kind towards you by ways of being demeaning/attacking you, talking about your personal life, your parenting skills (other than positive) set boundaries by stating that you do not wish to engage in further conversations if you cannot stay on topic. Then STICK to the statement. Do NOT be wishy-washy.
  • Let the ex know clearly, that all matters related to the separation of stuff and the divorce will be handled in court by your attorney. Again-do not be drawn into a text or verbal conversation with this person. They know you, they know how to engage you and keep you engaged.
  • As for the kids-same thing. Stick to scheduling topics and only use facts. Do not tell the ex what the kids tell you unless there is a report of illegal activities or you can clearly identify a decline or deterioration of the child’s well being. TALK to your attorney. Get the child counseling. DO not make up any abuse or alleged illegal behaviors to suit your cause. This will cause irreparable harm to all involved.
  • DO NOT make your agenda about causing your ex mental anguish, harm, or punishment. Although most may deny this, the separation and pending divorce is hurting them. DO NOT show outward happiness that they are suffering.
  • If all else fails in any of the small steps noted above, or if you begin to feel a rise in emotions and the urge to argue-disengage. Find a viable reason to walk away to give yourself a timeout.

There are lots of separated pairs that seek retribution for the perceived wrongs that have been committed upon them. Maybe this is owed to you, maybe not. If you are in a situation in which you claim to be completely surprised by a separation or divorce your circumstances are usually very rare if there were not clear signs that your relationship had problems.

Whatever your situation personality disorders are sometimes cleverly packaged into the “they’ll make the perfect spouse” option because you made them fit into it. We seen the signs however, we justified ignoring them. That is our fault. But now we must move forward no matter how they try to blame us or make the situation worse by attacking mental health, how one may use recreational/social time, or any other part of your life that doesn’t not pertain to them.

To be able to move forward you just use the boundaries noted above. Social media and other social attacks are not healthy for littles involved, and although you may believe you are justified in doing this, you are NOT. I have worked with many families through attorneys and the courts to address the break down of relationships with noncustodial parents and their offspring, only to learn that the custodial parent (often times the step parents too) have belittled, name called, and knowingly destroyed or damaged their child’s positive beliefs of the noncustodial parent.

I will call this out every time. The only time I will support educating a child of their noncustodial parent’s behavior is related to abuse or neglect. Parents should never use their children as leverage or as a tool to create or inflict psychological damage. This hurts EVERYONE.

Communication is the number one problem in our world. Everyone wants to talk, very few want to listen. Everyone has the right answers, very few can take perspective. “I FEEL” does not equate to “FACTS.” No matter how strong your feelings are, it does not mean it’s true.

As always, take care of your mental health…seek help if you have trouble managing this journey.

~WM~

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The Inevitability

Since the creation of this blog, approximately a year ago, I have promised to be truthful and vulnerable with myself and those I allow to be within the circle. This post is no different. This year has been transforming and eye opening as I transitioned from married, separated, divorced, falling in love (um, finally) and now having to experience the feelings that result from sharing my littles and being the parent referred to as “the one that has to be tough.”

This morning I had to have a hard conversation with a little brain with an “underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex” from a spin off of events that transpired last night. A little back story…for safety purposes and good parenting strategies I do not allow sleepovers unless one is vetted. Does that make me a mean mom, yep. Does that make me a over cautious, maybe. Persistent human behavior patterns indicate that boundaries can be crossed by those we are supposed to trust the most…(fight me on this).

As a result of having a healthy conversation with the under developed brain, acceptance was exhibited. However, (and in a very loving way) I was informed that the ex’s gf was “a teensy bit nicer” (pinching fingers as close together as possible) than me. To be fair, I’m sure there are many, many, many people who are a “teensy bit nicer” than me in the world. However, the blow I fully expected to feel when I inevitably would hear such a phrase…(btw, she is really nice) didn’t hit me in the gut the way I expected it to hit.

It was weird. My brain, of course defended me (my brain is so thoughtful) by rationalizing the “firm, fair, loving, and consistent” (yelling, repeating myself a hundred thousand times, and screaming “no” more times a day than I can count) mom approach is necessary for orderly conduct and emotional regulation skill development (being told no multiple times each day builds character). A competitive ping hit my stomach, but the brain quickly dissolved that negative emotion by reminding me that there is no competition unless one creates one. With this kind human, I know there is no competition because we are both very loving moms, who would protect our cubs to the death. (I’m being quite literal)

This process was annoying, it felt human, however, it was a great opportunity to look at the situation and make sure I take away the lesson I was intended to learn. As this lesson began last night, the process for me was feeling rage for this idea being presented AT ALL…(my entitlement and expectations not being met). Venting to a safe friend…we shall call her “the Blue Fairy.” Feeling fortified by my parental Blue Fairy, I let the ex know what my expectations and limits were (while still escalating to a full on panic and “fix the situation mode”).

In the end I was able to explain my concerns and acknowledge feelings and thoughts the ex may have had. I also however, I provided and alternative solution without antagonizing or exacerbating the incident any further (problem solving). Without further incident the situation was resolved and the emotional dissonance I felt languished eventually…but the gentle reminders of my past lingered in my brain too long. Triggering more than I wanted triggered.

I don’t like feeling “out of control” when it comes to safety. I have modified how I react and protect my broad to be less intense, however, the brain still kicks into a gear that screams “don’t even try it” when it comes to their safety. I. Just. Can’t. I’m exhausted from worry sometimes and I realize the world will happen because that’s what it does. But I will do my damndest to keep them and as many as possible safe from the unseen but well known dangers that linger on the sidelines like a friend…

~WM~