Tag: difficult people

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My Soap Box for the Month…

Why are some people uncomfortable talking, reading, or listening to someone about their mental health, abusive relationships, and life struggles? Why do so many people avoid facing the reality that life, for some people, seems so hard to manage for various reasons? This problem is so prevalent in our world right now and although you may not care, if we don’t try to be better now our future generations will continue to suffer.

Let’s take a step back to a time when you were a young kid to early teen and you had a problem and or you were suffering or perhaps uncomfortable in some way. Now stay in that moment and focus on how the moment was resolved. Did a parent or guardian comfort you and remove the problem causing the suffering? Did a parent or guardian guide you to figure it out? Did a parent or guardian ignore you and your problems? Did you have to resolve or reconcile the problem yourself?

The answer to these questions are the reasons why some people struggle with adversity and problem solving basic life problems to big life problems. The answer to the questions seem simple and straightforward but they aren’t. Unfortunately, when suffering is removed without learning skills to manage our feelings when we suffer, we grow up not knowing how to handle the hard times. It’s that Simple. Except, without learning those skills you become the world problem. You blame others for your burdens, and this of us that are fixers get dumped on. <insert cough> (Climate change, psychopaths that start wars, etc…)

I learned many things the hard way by choice. Some was not by choice and yet I still had to figure that shit out. I could have easily been a blamer and claimed hardships due to past trauma and such. However, I was fortunate to consider that avenue the path with the least integrity. I also did not resort to illegal means (minus underage drinking) to comfort myself during my trying times. I was also intelligent enough to watch how the generation before me solved their life problems and applied the strategies to my own situations. Because I knew what I wanted in life and I had to get after it myself. It wasn’t going to be handed to me.

However, there are so many that had adversity and suffering removed from their life by parents who suffered and didn’t want their offspring to suffer like they did. So a large group of humans are walking around not knowing how to manage their shit! Drugs and alcohol helped them escape and avoid the “in the moment” feelings but what happens when the drugs and alcohol wear off? Job loss, relationships are dissolved, children of divorce become lost property…etc.

Presently we have a generation of young people watching their poorly trained parents trying to manage their life behind bars, through drug courts, through DFS supervision or worse, the parent has passed leaving the young person to fend for themselves. Perpetuating the cycle of poor problem solving for generations to come.

I get that it may be easier to let others “fix” your problems and if that works and you aren’t creating more problems for the world, then great. Hopefully you’ll get professional help and apply the learned strategies. Life is hard. We will suffer everyday! You choose the easy way (not to cope or accept responsibility) or you can grow and learn. Your choice.

~WM~

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“Why” P2 Do We Change for Others…

How many times have we made adjustments in or likes/dislikes for another person? How many times have we adjusted our values or our life goals to settle for someone and then tell ourselves that we “want this” and it is “better than” what we had originally planned. I have done this for humans, jobs, and other life situations to accommodate whatever shit show was happening and to keep a peace “for myself” really others because I didn’t want an argument.

But where do we draw the line? We tell ourselves we are yielding for peace or love-or whatever other bullshit justifications we use. I look at my friends and watch them behave in ways and walk down paths I have already treaded and I feel helpless. I see those that I serve doing some of the same behaviors and think to myself-“wow, I did this and if I can overcome this, so can they.”

But the first step is “recognizing” what is happening. Being aware of what we are doing is key…Of course if I had asked myself the “why” I would have seen it and paid more attention. However, I didn’t and I became who I am, and I am okay with it because I am “finally me!” (Well the current version)

So, the “why” again…here are some “why’s” to ask for when we accommodate…p.s. there are bonus questions.

  • Why am I changing my goal?
  • Why/How is this important to me and my future?
  • Why is this person/place/thing worth changing my goals?
    • BONUS questions:
      • How will this serve my integrity?
      • How will this help serve my mission?
      • Is it worth the cost of my healthy self?
  • Why am I changing who I am/want to be?

When I stopped changing myself for others I found a freedom like I have never known. The freedom to sit and be still with my own skin. The ability to take a step back and allow others to behave and have needs that I cannot control (nor would I want to anymore). To accept that I don’t need someone to watch me or engage with me to validate my existence.

For those that struggle with being alone and making their own way… it seems those folks need a witness to their living. They need someone to see what they are doing and validate their existence. Like gym buddies, social media (yeah the irony is not lost on me), etc…this isn’t all unhealthy. However, if one can be independent and live alone and not feel lonely, this could lead to a healthy relationship.

Frankly, I bended and broke so much before I seen it each and every time. The only way up for me was to go it alone…I totally White-snaked it. I had humans to spend time with when I wanted to, I had my family-but kept at a distance at times to gather and regroup independently, and I had my littles. So ultimately, I was very comfortable with being alone and enjoying the journey of getting to know myself.

Going down my path lead me to my human. I do not bend. I do not yield. The fact is, I haven’t felt like I had to change anything except my location. (But that was a no brainer.) I do what I need to and what to, he gets the same respect, and we have the loveliest journeys together. We have different perspectives and opinions, but we never fight because it’s okay to have different thoughts and ideas.

We have life struggles like everyone else-family loss, routine shifts, work needs/stressors, cleaning, laundry, meals, vacations, etc…but we do it as a team. Because we knew our “why” we don’t usually have to ask the big “whys” to get the daily life covered.

Figure out who YOU are before you figure out anyone else for YOU. Use the “whys” and if you have to use very many whys about changing yourself you may be in a toxic environment. There could also be life events that can change a person such as injuries(TBI’s) or catastrophic life experiences. However, with medical and psychological assistance you’ll be able to iron the details out for an outcome.

But for most of us just looking to not feel alone, that change ourselves for the “way we think it’s supposed to be” I implore you to challenge that behavior. Ask yourself “why am I doing this?”

~WM~

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We Give and We Give and We Give…

How much is too much to give of yourself? How many times have you asked yourself, “What is wrong with me, why am I not good enough?” I admit to doing this in the past, and sometimes it’ll rear its ugly head in ways related to the distancing and independence my little people try to exhibit (which is a great thing), but more so when I was being treated like shit by those one people.

I’ve been rolling the “I’m not good enough” (which is what makes us a victim) and the “why am I not good enough” around in my mind lately as many of my circle are feeling this burden. Even the ones that are keeping this pain in their lives. The rolling is persistent and it’s driving me crazy.

So here are my two cents…

“What is wrong with me” is a response to being rejected, and no one likes to be rejected, feel rejected, or even feel like they are not being placed first in the other person’s list of priorities. Which honestly, being the first priority in someone else’s life is not healthy…just as you should not have anyone else as a first priority in your life (we will get to that).

“Why am I not good enough” is a self defeating thought that we ask ourselves which reinforces the belief that someone else has the power to determine our worth. Ugh. We have literally given our self worth to someone else to tell us if we are good enough-IF they choose us then we are good enough, if they don’t, there is something wrong with us.

Both have implications of not having a sense of “Locus of Control” -Locus of control “is the degree to which people believe that they, as opposed to external forces, have control over the outcome of events in their lives.” BUT-we actually do have the ability to control if and when we give our control and power to others. AGAIN-WE HAVE THE POWER.

We tell ourselves it’s us that is the problem and that we aren’t good enough and then we finally get past that relationship and right on to the next one JUST LIKE IT!! We need to break the pattern. It’s not easy, but the practice can be as simple as this-telling yourself:

  1. I have value… make a list of what you believe your value is-think, what do I bring to the table…I help people.
  2. I have worth…which is different from value. I have integrity and I believe I can achieve my goals if I work hard enough!
  3. No one has the power to determine if I am good enough unless I give it to them. I’ve recently begun to allow myself to explore and process how the insight and observations pointed out by the man I love change me internally and thus leading to positive outward changes.

Being able to do this has been a long and arduous journey- and I’m no where close to being done. This path is hard and uncomfortable. We often choose comfortable over uncomfortable but for your own sake- choose being uncomfortable.

Even though it’s hard to have the conversations with those we are either required to engage with, or those we want to interact with to move forward in our relationships the payoff is worth it. For the ones we are required to engage with, it will help keep good boundaries and clarity with facts.

For the relationship journey I’ll use my own experience. It’s often very exciting and I catch myself eager to learn new ways to get out of my shell and forgive myself for the lock and key I’ve used to protect my mind and heart. Sometimes I can feel very overwhelmed and I have to talk about it with my guy which again, this helps reinforce my self worth and sense of control over my life. Also whiskey. Whiskey helps.

I know it seems like it’s easy for me to point this shit out and walk away. But know, I’m not walking away. I’m repeating this everyday to whoever needs to hear it and I am in constant check of myself. Luckily, I have found my soulmate to help keep this process growing. As noted above-I do not put him as my first priority. I don’t put my littles as my first priority (their safety, yes)-I have to make myself a priority for my mental well beings sake.

No one can be in any healthy interpersonal relationship unless they are mentally healthy. One has to be able to love theirselves and take care of their mental health to truly work able to help others to grow in a meaningful way. Sure you can fake it for a bit-years even. But by then the damage is done. Years of work to undo that damage will be required. Thankfully, I am practicing this now. hopefully, always since I’m with my human.

This amazing man I love laughs sometimes because it’s hard for him to believe someone really wants the truth and to be challenged (spaced out over time of course too much and I’ll explode) especially when what needs to be said doesn’t feel good to hear. But finally, I’ve reached the point and met my human and I can always count on his honesty, loyalty, and support to grow as a human. For that, I’m grateful and fortified everyday.

Handsome D-thank you for being my binary… ~WM~

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Close Encounters…

The world changes everyday sun comes up, it either rains, is overcast, or it is sunny (sometimes all in one day). Nature changes seasons four times each year, it sheds each seasons’ skin looking anew and creates an inspiring and beautiful display that incites vacation dreams to see fall foliage or winter wonderlands. For the record, for those who live in the Midwest, there are times we can see seasons change like 10 times each week! How is it that most humans who have a reasonable amount of cognitive ability, can see the seasons change, but find it difficult to see how humans would also benefit from growing and changing? How is is that one can repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over again and actually believe it’s someone else’s fault??

It’s not as if they do not complain about their mistakes and at times, own their role in the problem. However, they are so determined to undermine their responsibility and instead make themselves the victim. For clarification purposes-when someone makes themselves the victim this is not inferring to victims of abuse or assault. This blog is referring to persons who are never wrong, who create problems then sit back and let the world crumble around them waiting for a rescue.

Male and female humans do this behavior. I believe I had a cat who did this from time to time, but she was cute and furry so I usually forgave her. Which enabled the repeated behavior pattern. Hmmm…see how easy it is to just let that pattern occur when something is cute or we get something out of it? My cat knew what he was doing! He is a cat! Clever as they come. He used his furry cuddles to manipulate me into accepting his bullshit behaviors (using floors for restrooms, getting high off catnip and making a mess of my house with food and his toys everywhere).

Hmmm…see how quickly that shit escalates if we don’t put it in check? What does check mean, you ask? How does one actually put that shit in check, you ask? Well, it’s not easy to do, for even the most seasoned “checkers.” But let’s try…here are a few scenarios I have encountered and what I have done to address the situations. Remember, I learned to apply the interventions by practicing and by telling myself, no matter what the outcome, I MUST NOT lose myself, my integrity, or my dignity in being humble.

I have a basic formula I use in the beginning, then if my basic formula doesn’t work I have to up the assertiveness skills. All will be noted below, but the basic formula in ascending levels is as follows (DO NOT BE RUDE, this makes them the victim and you the asshole): 1-don’t engage with the person (use limited eye contact), 2- keep all responses to a head nod or one word response, 3-assertively ask them if you can discuss this later, 4-let them know you care, AND you are really busy at the moment (avoid the BUT), 5-apologize for the exit then walk away.

  1. “Feeling like I have to listen to someone talk when I don’t want to” What I Do: I tried the basic formula… However, they missed all the marks. Then they followed me out! Which pissed me off. So I sternly stated that I was really busy and couldn’t talk right then. I had process the incident for a day or so, and I came to the conclusion that I felt like the person was holding me hostage. Which can quickly become a comparison to my abuse emotions and be a trigger. I will follow up with these people and let them know how I was affected if this behavior occurs frequently, which has only been two people. Some people end up just being the fifth circle set of humans I engage with.
  2. “the neighbor of complexity” this is related to working with or giving next to other humans who are not in sync with your moods, work this, or lifestyle… What I Do: The basic formula usually works in these scenarios, however, as an employee that’s worked in a cube farm and had an office where I couldn’t escape-this shit can escalate quickly. Both at work and at home, sensitivity is key. However, you can go into your home and there are basic laws that protect you from neighbors. At work…there are the criers who sit in the bosses office kissing ass, not doing their work, so they need to have work enemies to blame for their inadequacies. (ever notice these assholes pick the employees who work the hardest to target) Either was if conflict cannot be resolved because they are “victims who are just always in the right” AVOID these people. Be civilized and polite. DO NOT joke, DO NOT divulge secrets to, and DO NOT spend time with people they spend time with, and then repeat the DO NOT’s.
  3. The “drama filled friend that is generous, kind, and has their own kind of hurt.” What I Do: This friend is the most important of them all. This friend has a heart of gold when they are within their baseline. I have to remember this when I am working through negative reactions to what is happening in a reaction to their behaviors. I have to tell myself not to allow the loss of who I am and who I want to be, AND I have to not make their shit my shit by setting my boundaries. I let them know I care about them and that I will be there for them, AND I need to make sure I take care of myself (mentally and physically) should I begin to be triggered by their behavior. Walking away in the moment is very hard to do with these friends, AND needs to be done. Of course walking back when the time is right, not when YOU want it to be right is also very important. If they are true friends, you’ll know when…
  4. Finding yourself connected to another human and not wanting the bullshit… (this one became the easiest for me, however, it seems to be the hardest for some) What I Do: In early relationship interactions-I don’t use the formula with this one usually as it may come across as passive aggressive. I have been very upfront in my early conversations with others. I made sure they knew that I know what I have to offer the world, and although I am open for new and exciting, I will not lower my standards and measuring stick expectations for their bullshit. Sticking to my standards is key; I will not yield to asshattery behaviors.

Those are the basic and more overall steps I use to avoid problematic humans who are afraid of change and self-discovery. After I encounter these experiences I have to take time to process what happened. I have to give myself time to ask myself “is this my problem,” “what is my motivation,” “what is my role in the exchange,” “is this a repeated interaction and is it worth my mental well-being to remain engaged,”and similar other “what’s and why’s” to get to the reasons and best possible outcomes.

No matter what the antecedent is, I have learned that I have to “just let some shit go” to preserve my sanity (or what’s left of it). Sometimes it’s easy, and sometimes it’s the hardest thing to do. I get it. I feel this sense of righteousness and I grab hold and hang on like a five year old with a toy they don’t want to share. I want to feel vindicated, I want to feel and reinforce the sense of being just and right because it will feel good to know that what I think, believe, and feel is the truth…unfortunately-this is not what leads to facts or healthy conflict resolution. If I follow the formula I have designed over years of experience of getting wrong, I will grow and change-and maybe, just maybe I can benefit those people that I have close encounters with.

Socially Distancing Yours,

WM