I am sad today. I am not sure the exact reasons, but suspect there are many as I have had many thoughts on the brain that could be triggering. I can tell myself that I have “it so good and better than many” but to do that would belittle and undermine what I am feeling, that doesn’t seem fair (but what does fair mean and who decides what fair is, right?).
So I will write out the feelings and let them flow out. The most intrusive thought I am having is “I am not good enough.” Not as a parent, partner, friend, loved one, etc…it goes on. Then I feel this sense of powerlessness, that feels so UNCOMFORTABLE I become reactive and try to over compensate by trying to take control. I hate it. When I catch myself (the quicker the better) I can reel it back in and not be reactionary, but today it’s hard.
Today I want to just punch people in the face. I want to shut the world out and ignore everything and everyone. It doesn’t seem like an unreasonable request except that it is unrealistic. We can’t hide from the world for long because it keeps going-death, grief, or sadness will stop it.
I am trying to do self care, but the world intrudes with it’s demands and requirements. So self-care is in tiny increments of Hawk-Eye, Clifford the Big Red Dog, and little people hugs. I tried to shut my phone off but, people, business, life…
Anyways…feel your feelings, be you, do you, and be kind to all-because you don’t know.
I recently went on a beautiful vacation dedicated to the loving memory of my mom who passed away from the terrible virus that, after a year, the loss of over 2.5 million human lives, with nearly half a million of those lives being humans who live in America- we finally have three approved vaccines available for distribution.
I have conversations multiple times each day with humans who make the following statements repeatedly, “I can’t wait until things get back to normal,” “when this is over, I’m gonna be so happy,” “when we get back to normal I’m taking a vacation,” and so on and so on…
I try to challenge and encourage them to find happiness in small moments and not to wait for “the big and perfect moments” to be happy. To not set expectations of life moments to be “perfect” or at best to accept important life moments happen exactly the way they’re supposed to happen. Forcing and manipulating them to be perfect sets us up for failure and unhappiness because the illusion of perfection will never be obtained again. (Kinda like chasing the first high)
I’d love to blame Covid (like we do for everything right now) this mentality however, this chasing of perfection has been around for quite some time. Where it began…maybe Moses and the commandments, maybe the selling of the American dream the nice home, car, 2.5 kids, and the best job. For women, it’s the perfect relationship, doting, hard working, flowers, jewelry…ugh.
I know lots of women who fantasize about the proposal and the wedding-but do not focus on the actual relationship and the person they’ve matched beyond “the job, the car, and the body.” I know lots of men that focus on “the boobs, the butt, and the way she may look on their arm.” Then three kids later, and a couple of affairs later they “don’t know what happened.”
Unfortunately, Covid has increased a sense of failure to achieve “perfection or the great happiness” we “deserve!” Ugh, another word that reinforces this entitlement of “the great American dream.” The isolation and separation of social connectedness has continued to create the divide of a nation in which dreams were built upon and turned to greed. The rich fear the poor will take “their money” they made off the backs of the poor, the divide will only continue.
Humanity is greedy and unfortunately the greedy are getting greedier, brazen, and more violent (January 6, 2021). Many who CAN improve their circumstances, choose to blame their problems on others, versus working and not being generationally lazy (this one hits home), then whining about how hard life is. Life is hard. It’s very hard. You do NOT deserve anymore than life. This really hurts those who are ready and willing to do the hard work.
I could go on and on about how we chase our tails for finding happiness but I’ll summarize this quickly-
We see something that someone else has and we want it
We make little or no effort to work towards what we desire
We blame others for why we can’t get/have it
We become angry because we don’t get what we want handed to us
We create hostility and resentment in our circle, social media, gossip
Someone calls us out on our bullshit and we don’t like it
We tel ourselves that someone kept us from getting what we want.
Simple human behavior patterns, I know and have been married to humans who have behavior patterns like this. it’s pretty despicable and creates many victims, in addition to becoming a drain on their families, coworkers, businesses they work for(use of sick leave, unsafe conditions), and the continuing generational beliefs that “they are owed something.”
We are owed nothing. I see so much pain and suffering from chasing happiness that comes and goes without satisfying the chaser. Practice being more present instead of chasing a ghost happiness that doesn’t exist. Absorb satisfaction in the bite of cake, the dram of whiskey, the pizza you share with love ones, and the silence of solitude and being alive.
My point is this, be present in your life and enjoy the small moments of joy just as much as the big moments. Manage your expectations and avoid the idea of “perfection” based on Hollywood and royalty standards. LIVE!
Whiskey Momma 