Tag: covid-19

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I Miss You Mom…Always

I’m so exhausted. Not “I’m a little tired and want to take a nap,” tired-nope, I’m crash and burn exhausted. I haven’t been in this state of mind in some time but I’m creeping out slowly from the edge of despair. As I lay awake trying to fall asleep I make the decision to get the thoughts out of my head versus rolling them around in my brain. So my blog is actually a letter to my mom…

I miss you. I miss the way you annoyed me by talking about stuff because you were uncomfortable with silence. I miss the way you would get excited for me about anything I was excited about. I miss calling you when I just want to ramble. I miss the re-regulation period I’d have to go through when the babies stayed with you. I miss the way you cared unconditionally about us.

I miss you trying to spend time with all of us even though you were so tired. I miss seeing your eyes light up and laugh when any grand-baby ran to hug you. I miss how you loved and thought of each grandchild not with you in the presence of the others that were present. But most of all…

I miss the trips we went on. I miss hearing you describe the meals you had or cooked for others. I miss hearing my girl describe how you beat her in a recent game of scene-it. I miss the boy asking me why he was so special to you. I miss you being mad at people who hurt any of your babies or the littles. I miss how you’d tell me you found a Christmas present for someone or that you found a craft idea to make someone something for their special days.

I miss being able to have a place to allow my kids to stay while I had respite. I know that may sound so awful to some. But hear me out. If you had someone that had similar beliefs, redirections styles, and loved your kids almost as much as you and wanted them as often as they could physically stand it, plus they knew it helped with their own child who is a single parent have a break…

Yes. You would. Because kids are hard. My mom created a great balance for being able to have all of the kids at once white a bit. She had grand kids all the time she could and even when she was too tired she could hardly tell them no, so parents would have to be the heavy hand and say “no.”

But today. Actually in the middle of the night right now-I could use a respite of my momma. But honestly, if she was here I would just visit with her and talk about what heaven is like and just catch up. I know id be so happy for her and forget about my own woes. She’d fill me in on others who were able to join her due to their own Covid/non Covid battles. And, I would hug her. I would hug the absolute shit out of her. I would remember the feeling of that hug and how tight she always hugged and she would always say, “mommy loves you bunches and bunches, to infinity and beyond.”

Just on a side note. Overall my life is really the best it’s ever been. Even though we miss our family and friends-my babes are flourishing and growing-they’re genuinely happy. My job is great and my human is the absolute best. We have a balance of work and home and have got lots of love from back home. But grief takes time to work through. It’s not something money, time, or family allows to work through any faster. It takes the journey. This is my journey. This is where my grief is.

I love you mom. Bunches and bunches, to infinity and beyond, love Kissy

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Life is Too Short…To Wait or Waste

As most are aware I have sold the house and I’m moving to the mountains. Before the next leg of my adventure I am crashing at my mum’s house for a brief couple of days. I decided to take the opportunity to spend quality time with her and spent the day with her. We drove to a few places and shopped some, ate some decent cajun food, and talked about the upcoming move.

Of course she’s very saddened by the grand littles not being close to her, which I completely understand. But it became very clear to me that the phrase, “life is too short” is not a viewpoint many consider or apply to their world. My mom can choose to be sad AND be excited for the opportunity for me to be with the love of my life (which I think she is, especially since she’s more aware of what type of human he is) and also be happy for the littles and their adventure.

Let’s break down why life is too short beyond my story though. Let’s look at the “life’s too short” examples that have recently plagued our world…

  • The pandemic. Limited travel, thousands of family vacations cancelled.
  • Deaths. Not just the five people I have lost JUST this past three months, but hundreds of thousands from the pandemic.
  • Not being able to see loved ones in hospitals, nursing homes, etc…
  • I’ve heard people say-“one day” and “when I retire” that never reach their goals.
  • Cancer.
  • Having babies.

I feel like I could keep the list going but I don’t want to make this a negative blog. I want it to be inspiring and create hopeful feelings. I want you to walk away and think, “do I waste my time with, “some day” thinking and then settle?” Do you????

I used to settle. All. The. Time. I still do for small things from time to time. But those big things…why did I settle? Because that abuse monster rears its ugly head and says “you’re not good enough, “you don’t deserve,” and “you’ll never do any better.” But then, I confronted myself and my settling choices over the past almost two years now and thankfully I reached a point where I’m not going to settle anymore.

I wrote about settling awhile back and I have not looked back since (except to compare situations to not repeat). I will not accept that “I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve, and I can’t do any better” bullshit anymore and I’m spreading the word! I’m yelling it from mountain tops, well only about 6,500-9,000 feet elevation depending on the moment and location.

I told my mum, “LIVE!” Do it now. Because tomorrow is not promised. As I depart my current geographical position I’m being lovingly bombarded with requests to see me before I “am gone for good.” Two things there…1-you should’ve made more effort when I was local, 2-I’m not “gone for good.”

“Gone for good” is a terrible mindset for people to be in when people they care about are relocating. Technology is amazing. I know this because I found my true love two months before the pandemic became public, so FaceTime had been a great tool to stay present in someone’s world. “But you can’t hug!” Really?? You know I don’t like touching and covid has made sure touching is a no go.

We have watched movies, had deep and meaningful conversations, had hard conversations, hysterical laughing, crying, and sometimes just “looking into the soul” stares using FaceTime. I’ll add that we’ve celebrated anniversaries drinking the same whiskeys, and even cooked many meals together. We’ve had ninety percent of our dinner meals together using FaceTime and it works!

BUT now, is my time to not settle and I’m going to live my adventure in person with my human. Nine months of flying and driving, and FaceTime has been totally worth it…but now it’s time to not settle for technology. I only live once (maybe) and life is too short to not be with the person that brings me peace, joy, and love.

I also have a wonderful and exciting job I’m looking forward to that I got using Zoom! I have met everyone virtually and because of limitations of Covid and distance we worked with what we had. It was a great experience and I’m looking forward to my new opportunity.

I’m gonna end this by saying, live your dreams and follow your own path as long as you “do no harm to others.” Yes, people are sad for their in person time shortened with my move, maybe even a little angry-AND maybe they’ll see the positive for me and my crew and then apply the motto or mantra to themselves.

Life is too short to be with mean, unyielding, and unloving…❤️

~WM~

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A Rare Breed…

I was scheduled to fly out to Jackson today. I had visions of drinking a nice pour or two with my guy and watching the snow fall (this is code…). However because of COVID, I am sitting here, writing this blog. Also, because of COVID, I have known I wouldn’t be flying out for about two weeks now…FYI-knowing has not lessened my disappointment, it’s only weakened my anger (which is a complete waste of an emotion to feel right now.)

Find the lesson right? That’s what the great minds would say…hell, that’s what I have said. So todays lesson: feeling and having to learn new skills to help with coping and “dealing” (albeit not well at times) with the cards El Diablo has doled out. I have had to challenge SO many thoughts about this virus, the people who are gaining from the virus, the people who are dying from the virus, and the MANY others who are being traumatized by the question of when things will get back to normal.

I digress…this blog is not about the stupid virus, it’s about how vulnerable it has made me, making me more susceptible to feeling weak, insecure, and lonely. I mean, WTF there are only SO many people who tolerate my shenanigans and dark sense of humor. I am pouring my energy into house updates and little responsibilities, but I miss adults. I love a good fart conversation and repeating myself five-hundred times, but I am struggling.

Not being able to be with my adult humans is difficult. More significantly, I miss my main human and I have never felt more alone in my life! I was satisfied with the handful of peeps I spent my time with. Politics, policing, mommin’, legal eagles, and godly folk met my needs then…but now, I miss my genius. I miss the person who says-“bullshit” via “isn’t it interesting.” The guy who calls and FaceTimes like clockwork and makes me laugh so much I cry. The one human who gets me inside and out, builds me up like a superhero, and yet, allows me to be the most vulnerable with.

Until now…when being vulnerable so much leads to an irrational(maybe) fear/belief that having too many rollercoaster days of the week may lead to a “Dear John.” I am absolutely not alone with this fear/belief. What do we do with this when it raises it’s evil head? I really haven’t cared in the past…honestly, if someone took issue with me having feelings I was totally cool with that…but this human is definitely different.

I feel completely exposed and vulnerable to the consequences of having these past two weeks of a nightmare called being “furloughed.” Not working has created a loss of my identity, thus leading to some super fun feelings. Yeah, I have friends that are “there” when they aren’t dealing with their own crap, or they are bored and have nothing or nobody to do at the time (yeah, I know). But this is very uncharted waters for me. So I have to wrap my head around this and get a sense of what the lesson is I am supposed to learn.

I can speculate that I needed to complete projects that was supposed to be completed a LONG time ago, perhaps the independence of doing them without help (except from a few of my humans) is supposed to help build esteem and self worth and supposed to help build bank for a future self-esteem blow…maybe it’s all three. Who knows? Seriously, do you know why? Either way-it is leading me down a path of feeling feelings I have never felt and I am being forced to process a different vulnerability.

The fear of losing because I am having feelings I cannot hide or fully control is a feeling I DO NOT want to have, but I have to get through it somehow- and guess what world (and my house, because its getting the proverbial haircut over and over) it’s happening and I can’t stuff them. Which, should be fun…for my liquor store anyway.

Just as I write this blog my guy messaged the sweetest message…it’s like he knew what I needed from eleven hundred miles away. I guess that’s one of the reasons why this journey of working through a crisis versus around the crisis is so important. I will learn about a different type of strength I possess, in addition to discovering a balance of feeling vulnerable and letting someone walk the journey with me…