Tag: coping

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“How Do You Measure Up…”

How do you compare yourself to others and how does this affect your sense of self worth? In my late 20’s I measured my worth based on my job importance, such as “am I making a difference,” “do people respect me,” and (the big one) “am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing?” In my late 30’s the measuring stick changed to “am I making a difference,” “am I happy/fulfilled,” and “do I respect myself?”

Now I focus on – “is what I’m doing still fulfilling,” “am I doing a good job parenting,” am I being authentic?” The latter of which is the most important to me. This is because I want to feel peace in all parts of my life. I want to have integrity for me, not for anyone else. Because I feel strong in my sense of self I’m able to model this for my children and the people I serve. I bring myself a profound sense of genuine peace being authentic.

When asking others how they measure their worth I’ve received an interesting and consistent response of “I don’t know.” Money, career, family, fame…the consistency of being told how “they’ve never really thought about that” tells me we are not teaching people how to love a fulfilling and meaningful life, yet we know that not living in this life leads to substantial risk for alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling addiction, pornography addiction, high risk relationships or sexual behaviors…the list goes on.

When I ask people about this I generally ask “what makes them unworthy” because this is the strongest feeling and thought about themselves they have. Then I ask them to identify the facts to support this belief. Shockingly (or not shockingly to some) they have very few facts to support this belief. An even greater discovery is that it has been external life events that they use to reinforce this belief!

The examples typically given are:

  • “My partner broke up with me” so this means I’m not good enough. It’s not because they’re incompatible or anything….
  • “My parents beat me,” so I must be bad. The abuse is about the abuser not the person abused.
  • I didn’t get the job I wanted…
  • I don’t have as many friends as…
  • I don’t make a lot of money…
  • I can’t get organized in my life…
  • People won’t help me anymore…

There’s a pattern here if you see it. I don’t get what I want so I must not be worthy (not a fact, but using thoughts and feelings). We are not owed anything and it’s our responsibility to challenge these distortions, and if we are miserable in life we have a responsibility to get help and not be a burden on the systems of others. Talk to someone who will help you identify these patterns and challenge them.

I really wanted a promotion one time. I was promised by one of my favorite people I was up for it. Not getting that promotion was a wonderful lesson for me. Although I told myself this was going to be a meaningful lesson at the time, I didn’t believe it. But I knew telling myself it would be helped me feel less like a piece of worthless human trash. I am very thankful now because I may still be at the job not feeling fulfilled, I wouldn’t have healthy kiddos, and I know I wouldn’t have the human who was molded just for me.

So ask yourself now…”how do I measure up?”

~WM~

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“What Are You Telling Yourself…”

Recently there has been a rash of common sense and logic shine through when I have asked my humans, “what did you hear me say” which will allow me to know if the message I am hoping I am giving is actually being received. Next I ask, “what are you telling yourself about what I said.” Asking this helps me understand what may lead to their “overthinking,” over reacting, feeling insecure and possibly leading to the blaming of others for their negative outcomes.

I ask questions that note if they are justifying, minimizing, blaming, or making themselves feel small? If so, I ask more questions! Then we discuss how this behavior can be sabotaging and can reinforce unhealthy thoughts and negative core beliefs about self, others, and the world. Thus, allowing one to not be responsible or accountable for the outcome or any behaviors that lead up to the outcome.

We have all done it. Period. For me, it was and still is about needing to have control of EVERYTHING to be safe and protect myself from others. HOWEVER, as it turns I only reinforced the lies “I have to be safe,” “I don’t have any control” etc… but once I had the mental flexibility to take a step back and ask myself what I was telling myself, I was able to be more aware of when I told myself the lies, and then ultimately challenging myself when I told myself the lies.

So how did I do this? Remember the “shoulds, never, always, and every time?” I had to focus on challenging this argument and decrease the shame and fear when I let others take the lead by calling bullshit on my internal dialogue…”I need to be right,” “I need to be liked,” “I need to know that no one is speaking badly about me,” “I need to be safe,” “my family’s wellbeing is dependent on this,” and again the list goes on and on…the worst lies kept me in the most unhealthy relationships. Which goes without saying that this put my love ones in unhealthy situations.

Back to the logic and exciting part…once people started doing this I have been able to witnesses those around me achieve a base operating system that gives them a stronger foundation in their hierarchy of needs. They admit to the themselves they have been leaning towards the negative outcomes, their automatic negative self talk, and a build up to their eventual demise. However, when they are willing to challenge the negative beliefs they are able to meet healthier “clock marks.”

I beg of you to ask yourself what you are telling yourself that feeds that negativity and start challenging that behavior with feeding the healthier wolf!

~WM~

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Don’t Open My Burger…

During cocktail hour last night, while we were enjoying 1792 Full proof and Knob Creek 120 proof we were discussing our relationship and how good it is and why it works so well. We laughed because it’s philosophy is based on him opening his own burger…

In 2020 my human and I were driving across the country and drove through a Wendy’s to grab a quick bite. We both ordered burgers (his a junior deluxe, mine was a junior bacon), there were no differences in the wrapping of the burgers and his burger seemed pretty easy to manage to drive if it was opened for him, which I was happy to help with. However, when I attempted to open it for him he said, “here let me get it, you don’t know how I like it.”

This was interesting as I have opened many sandwiches, candy, chips, etc. for people I co-piloted with and there were only minimal complaints. So I watched to learn and see what magical process he had to manage his burger while driving. Little did I know that the magic wasn’t in the unwrapping, the magic was in the concept that he could do it himself and could manage his business without being reliant on someone, which then could and usually does lead to expectations.

We have talked about this so many times and laughed about it as we both agree that there is a necessity for autonomy in relationships. Co-dependency is so easy to fall into and it is extremely unhealthy. Not being able to act as an independent agent is unhealthy and will always lead to relationship problems. Money, food, chores, jobs, children, church/faith, vacations, leisure, and so many other matters fall under this umbrella.

I love spending time with my person. So much. He is my best friend. I never wonder or worry about where I stand in any situation unless I create a narrative in my head through my trauma lens or a core belief. HOWEVER, and this is a big however as you tell by the all caps…we both are aware of the internal dialogue beast, and when this happen, which it has only happened twice for me, I don’t make my crap his crap. He is completely honest about when he is off and if we need to address something we have already addressed it way before he maybe “feeling off.”

When he is off, I give him space and go on about my business. He doesn’t need to be coddled or prodded to tell me what “I did” and I know not to make his moment about me and my insecurities. He unwraps his own burger. We do not have unknown expectations on each other. We have basic humans in relationships rules, like “don’t cheat.” Pretty basic, but given human history we both wanted to make sure this was definitely a no go behavior! Basically, DO NO HARM is the core of our relationship with one another and others.

If we follow that, our human tendencies to try to control, when we feel like we don’t have control, or to react when we should take a step back and respond when it’s better and more calm continue to work for us. We support and validate one another when it’s appropriate, and challenge one another when it’s appropriate. We do so with respect and awareness of our motives (the why).

I know from two dead marriages, I was a part of the math that lead to their death. I did not want to be a part of another relationship with someone that made being single more appealing. If couples can learn to keep their individuality in their relationships without all the insecurities (which would benefit from dealing with in therapy prior to entering into a relationship) you could have a lifetime of happiness.

I wish everyone the best in their relationships, and I want to encourage those struggling to get into therapy right away. Medications are there for helping, and life skills are always important to learn to help us solve our problems or to manage distress in the moment…

~WM~

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My Soap Box for the Month…

Why are some people uncomfortable talking, reading, or listening to someone about their mental health, abusive relationships, and life struggles? Why do so many people avoid facing the reality that life, for some people, seems so hard to manage for various reasons? This problem is so prevalent in our world right now and although you may not care, if we don’t try to be better now our future generations will continue to suffer.

Let’s take a step back to a time when you were a young kid to early teen and you had a problem and or you were suffering or perhaps uncomfortable in some way. Now stay in that moment and focus on how the moment was resolved. Did a parent or guardian comfort you and remove the problem causing the suffering? Did a parent or guardian guide you to figure it out? Did a parent or guardian ignore you and your problems? Did you have to resolve or reconcile the problem yourself?

The answer to these questions are the reasons why some people struggle with adversity and problem solving basic life problems to big life problems. The answer to the questions seem simple and straightforward but they aren’t. Unfortunately, when suffering is removed without learning skills to manage our feelings when we suffer, we grow up not knowing how to handle the hard times. It’s that Simple. Except, without learning those skills you become the world problem. You blame others for your burdens, and this of us that are fixers get dumped on. <insert cough> (Climate change, psychopaths that start wars, etc…)

I learned many things the hard way by choice. Some was not by choice and yet I still had to figure that shit out. I could have easily been a blamer and claimed hardships due to past trauma and such. However, I was fortunate to consider that avenue the path with the least integrity. I also did not resort to illegal means (minus underage drinking) to comfort myself during my trying times. I was also intelligent enough to watch how the generation before me solved their life problems and applied the strategies to my own situations. Because I knew what I wanted in life and I had to get after it myself. It wasn’t going to be handed to me.

However, there are so many that had adversity and suffering removed from their life by parents who suffered and didn’t want their offspring to suffer like they did. So a large group of humans are walking around not knowing how to manage their shit! Drugs and alcohol helped them escape and avoid the “in the moment” feelings but what happens when the drugs and alcohol wear off? Job loss, relationships are dissolved, children of divorce become lost property…etc.

Presently we have a generation of young people watching their poorly trained parents trying to manage their life behind bars, through drug courts, through DFS supervision or worse, the parent has passed leaving the young person to fend for themselves. Perpetuating the cycle of poor problem solving for generations to come.

I get that it may be easier to let others “fix” your problems and if that works and you aren’t creating more problems for the world, then great. Hopefully you’ll get professional help and apply the learned strategies. Life is hard. We will suffer everyday! You choose the easy way (not to cope or accept responsibility) or you can grow and learn. Your choice.

~WM~

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Forced Flexibility, the New Normal???

In our current climate of unprecedented and ever changing life I find myself struggling to make sense of what the “doing the right thing” means to me and my humans. How can I keep them healthy and safe from a deadly virus if they cannot get the vaccine and they interact with those who have not been vaccinated? The world is creating this requirement of “forced flexibility” in which everyday I have to navigate in the dark, with only a few pieces of the puzzle available to make decisions, AND I still need and I am required to create a safe and harmonious environment for the littles…

I can already feel the wheels turning in the heads of those who are reading this blog jumping to respond and “fix” my posed conundrum. But let me stop you there…

  • “You can’t live in fear!”
    • I am a realist and have lived life on the edge many times in my life, however, I will NOT play roulette with my kids life.
  • “Kids aren’t having harsh reactions to getting Covid!”
    • This is correct, “most kids” aren’t and that is great. However, I have one that has asthma, and one that had e-coli less than a year ago and is still struggling to gain weight.
  • “We can’t teach our kids to live in fear of getting sick.”
    • See response number two…and I will add:
      • I embrace illness and immunity building germs, but Covid killed my mother and I would like to avoid this happening to my beasts too.

I am sure you have more arguments so I will continue. As a parent most of us have new fears with every stage of our Childs’ life. When they are born and they are completely helpless they depend on us for EVERYTHING. When they gain their sea legs and get into EVERYTHING and run everywhere. When they start school some of us worry about if they’ll make friends, if they will behave and be successful, etc…then of course, don’t forget- Puberty, healthy self-esteem, healthy relationships, driving safely, first jobs, good grades, and then college. I really feel like my point has been made.

Yet, thankfully for those reading at least some of you will have a solution and the other folks reading this it may be resonating for you like . So, for those who have the solutions, how do you reason with your fears about for your children? Do you tell yourself that “it’s out of your hands and you are doing what you can then taking the leaps to live?” If so, do you have any internal arguments that challenge that resolve from time to time?

I want to travel with the littles. My family of loved ones are really encouraging me to go to Disney in January. I really want to, and I have looked at flights and hotels for the trip like twenty times, however, Florida is the hotbed for Covid. I and my adult human are vaccinated, but what happens if the kids get it?

We quarantine, ANYONE who has been exposed to the littles are to quarantine including, plane passengers, family & friends we spent time with and school mates of two classes (51 kids and their family members). With all the humans, jobs, and schools that would be affected, is it worth it for a week of fun with family? Logically-NO, it sounds selfish and harmful. Will it actually happen? I cannot predict the future, and I can’t even guarantee it won’t happen IF we DON’T go! Again, this forced flexibility and realm of WHAT IF is not longer a state of mind, it is a state of living.

Anyway…as always, to be continued!

~WM~

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It Would Be Nice…

As a follow up to the “NO” blog I am offering a “It Would Be Nice” lens and strategy to consider when facing today’s climate. There is an overwhelming black and white view of “what should and shouldn’t be” related to so many world topics. The biggest of all for me and many in my circle- “to vax or not to vax” that is the question. I am not going to quote research to support or not support either way. This blog is about how and what skills I use to look at how I talk about it with others.

I knew I was going to get vaccinated for many reasons…I never considered others reasons to “not get vaccinated” except super obvious ones until one of my closest friends said she wasn’t getting vaccinated. Initially, I was shocked! But after a second I considered who was telling me this and really put myself into her shoes taking her perspective. After this conversation it allowed me to be able to do the same for others, regardless of my “agreeing or disagreeing” with them.

So here are a few of my tricks I use to challenge and tamp down my urges to counter in conversations regardless of the topic. There may be some situations that warrant a more assertive approach, however, this approach is usually reserved when my littles are a part of the mix.

  • In my narrative I intently and purposefully AVOID telling myself OR using the phrases:
    • You…”always,” “never,” “should,” “deserve,” and generally avoid the word “unfair.”
  • Instead try these as replacement options:
    • Always: “It’s seems like this happens a lot”
    • Never: “It seems like this hardly ever happens”
    • Should: “It would be nice if…”
    • Deserve: “I’ve worked really hard and it would be nice if…”
    • Unfair: “There will always be moments in life when things feel unfair”

With the climate of “rights and choices” being somewhat interchangeable these days, using the formula above allows me the space to honor my fears and frustration with humanity and the facts I face with those I care about passing and other such issues I struggle with. I can be more indifferent when an argument is being sought and I can be supportive of those who have greater suffering in their lives.

Even as I write this I understand there’ll be people who disagree with this concept and that’s ok. They’ll even troll comments and look for typos-I’m guessing based on my extensive history, the grammar police has caught 20 issues already. Meh, it would be nice if they could read the blog and take whatever away and maybe challenge the considerations I posed in their life quietly and without creating a discord from being critical and bitchy, and if they have the skills to do so, that’s okay too…

~WM~

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I Miss You Mom…Always

I’m so exhausted. Not “I’m a little tired and want to take a nap,” tired-nope, I’m crash and burn exhausted. I haven’t been in this state of mind in some time but I’m creeping out slowly from the edge of despair. As I lay awake trying to fall asleep I make the decision to get the thoughts out of my head versus rolling them around in my brain. So my blog is actually a letter to my mom…

I miss you. I miss the way you annoyed me by talking about stuff because you were uncomfortable with silence. I miss the way you would get excited for me about anything I was excited about. I miss calling you when I just want to ramble. I miss the re-regulation period I’d have to go through when the babies stayed with you. I miss the way you cared unconditionally about us.

I miss you trying to spend time with all of us even though you were so tired. I miss seeing your eyes light up and laugh when any grand-baby ran to hug you. I miss how you loved and thought of each grandchild not with you in the presence of the others that were present. But most of all…

I miss the trips we went on. I miss hearing you describe the meals you had or cooked for others. I miss hearing my girl describe how you beat her in a recent game of scene-it. I miss the boy asking me why he was so special to you. I miss you being mad at people who hurt any of your babies or the littles. I miss how you’d tell me you found a Christmas present for someone or that you found a craft idea to make someone something for their special days.

I miss being able to have a place to allow my kids to stay while I had respite. I know that may sound so awful to some. But hear me out. If you had someone that had similar beliefs, redirections styles, and loved your kids almost as much as you and wanted them as often as they could physically stand it, plus they knew it helped with their own child who is a single parent have a break…

Yes. You would. Because kids are hard. My mom created a great balance for being able to have all of the kids at once white a bit. She had grand kids all the time she could and even when she was too tired she could hardly tell them no, so parents would have to be the heavy hand and say “no.”

But today. Actually in the middle of the night right now-I could use a respite of my momma. But honestly, if she was here I would just visit with her and talk about what heaven is like and just catch up. I know id be so happy for her and forget about my own woes. She’d fill me in on others who were able to join her due to their own Covid/non Covid battles. And, I would hug her. I would hug the absolute shit out of her. I would remember the feeling of that hug and how tight she always hugged and she would always say, “mommy loves you bunches and bunches, to infinity and beyond.”

Just on a side note. Overall my life is really the best it’s ever been. Even though we miss our family and friends-my babes are flourishing and growing-they’re genuinely happy. My job is great and my human is the absolute best. We have a balance of work and home and have got lots of love from back home. But grief takes time to work through. It’s not something money, time, or family allows to work through any faster. It takes the journey. This is my journey. This is where my grief is.

I love you mom. Bunches and bunches, to infinity and beyond, love Kissy

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It’s My Grief and I’ll Cry If I Want To…

I miss my mom so much. Today as I was completing assessments and evaluations for work and realized I feel like I’m at the point where I think it may be uncomfortable for others when I mention how much I miss my mom. Like I’ve hit the expiration date on being able to talk about her death or the loss to others.

I have a really close friend who has lost many loved ones to tragedies. Not just accidentally deaths or an illness, they were taken by violent crimes. This person told me once, that someone close to them had stated it was time to “move on” from her grief. Unfortunately, that sentence has stuck in my crawl since that day.

Even though I hadn’t lost anyone so close to me at that time in my life I started my journey of anxiety about how others may look at my grief when the time comes. Looks like I’m there and I’m here to say, I don’t care. If someone takes issue with their discomfort with my expression of loss that’s NOT my shit-it’s theirs.

I will consider their feelings and abilities to accept I am an “advanced emotional response human,” (trademark pending) however, MAYBE the people who are uncomfortable with emotions were able to read up on the importance of healthy emotional expression, I wouldn’t have to curb my sorrow and sadness. I mean seriously, it’s only been five months!

I don’t know. It’s a theory that seems plausible. I’m not a fan of feeling that much negative emotion. I like to feel it, use the information and make choices based on the information. For example, if I’m feeling sad and thinking about my mom, I’m not going to watch programs on TV that stirs or makes the emotions stronger-like Mary Poppins. I’m gonna watch a movie where people, places, and things are unrealistically blown up. But I’m happy to sit with the feelings and explore why I’m having them and “be okay” with having them.

I could probably rant on about this but the bottom line is this…stop telling, demanding, or passive-aggressively making it uncomfortable for people to express their grief. If you think someone is spending too much time on the loss of their loved one-they are not the problem, you are. If they have signs or symptoms of a deeper issue, i.e., depression that lasts longer than a few weeks, encourage them to talk to a professional.

Thankfully, I talk to myself a lot. JK, I have a great support system and frankly, if anyone says it’s time to move on, I’ll tell them they’re right, and I’ll move on from them.

As always, with blunt force honesty,

~WM~

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Then There Was a Kink…

As I fly back to Missouri to pick up littles and say my “see ya soons” to immediate family I learn that a Covid scare is in the midst. It is extremely annoying for many reasons (mostly because it’s happened at least once since Covid started) but this time it threatens my perfectly laid plans to reunite my humans. In turn, makes more work, increases costs, and creates stress for so many…especially, the littles.

SO if packing up a 16 foot uhaul with two dogs (one who needed drugs, and she wasn’t a sharer) driving through blizzard conditions and getting stuck in Cheyenne WY because roads shut down when there is 8 inches of snow in ten hours time, driving incredibly slow speeds and being stalled on the highway for long periods of time doesn’t test the stress tolerance of a relationship, let’s throw this Covid curveball into the mix.

A long running pattern of these scares have been a torment for my psyche for years and I have fought to make sure the patterns do not spread to the next generation. But alas, we have it one more time, right up to the eleventh hour. Do I fly home alone, or with my littles in tow?

I’m praying with littles in tow, however, as always, when dealing with more than one player you have to have a plan, and an extra plan for the backup plan. Lord knows I’m mentally and physically exhausted, but let’s throw this extra hurdle in for good measure.

My human and I are fully aware that the universe is testing us and so far it’s losing cause we got game! Seriously though, maybe the real test…I thought I broke two door handles yesterday. Turns out I just need a YouTube tutorial on how to open door handles (Insert eye roll).

So. Will I be writing about the littles’ transition next, or will I be writing (whining) about how much I hate diseases and gross people and their spread of their diseases next? We shall see. We shall see.

To Be Continued…~WM~

When managing stress created by other humans-I would pair a beautiful whiskey that is at least 100 proof…I’m gonna use Knob Creek 120🥃

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It’s Been Awhile…

Lots of stuff have changed since my last blog…selling my house, my impending move, losing one of my dearest friends in a tragedy, and waiting impatiently for my other dear friend to wake from the same tragedy. Change is inevitable, heartache and loss cannot be avoided, but damn 2020, you’ve shaken the world up.

I’ll address the tragedy first. When I got the call while I was visiting my home and my human in Wyoming, it was surreal. A sudden loss is always a blow. The aftermath that followed and continues to follow is draining at times. But the hope is inspiring and has been the positive thread needed to keep folks from falling apart at the seams.

I won’t discuss the details. I will make one plug though. For those who feel the need to reach out to the independents of victims to seek out updates, you have no idea how inappropriate this comes across. Especially those who may have been a fleeting light in the victims life. Just don’t do it. Period. Again, I continue to pray the world is looking up for my friend.

The second topic…the move. The impatience of being reunited and at the same time respecting dutiful timelines of ending jobs, closing on properties, and saying goodbyes are a necessary task that must be achieved in order to make the move the best for all.

My bonus little humans will be the hardest to be separated from. The little humans that give me hugs and beg me to not leave are the ones that will always have a piece of my heart and thus, the distance is just that. It’s space between times when I’ll get to hug them again. They tell me I’ve made a difference to them, but the reality is, they’ve made a positive difference in my life.

The job I left yesterday, was an extraordinary opportunity to do work that doesn’t feel like work for people who are underserved. The team I worked with left me with a profound message reinforcing that I must keep my hope for humanity. That they have value and worth and no matter what happens, keep telling people they are worth it!!

The next few weeks will most likely vacillate between flying by and turtle slow but it will always be interesting. The driving, the flying, the dogs, the humans, and the goodbyes. But mostly I look forward to the next whiskey momma adventure.

My human in the mountains, the next group of humans I get to serve and support, and of course mine and the bonus kids and friendships that I’ll have while staring at the most beautiful views while I smoke meat and sip my pour.

As always, to be continued…~WM~

In loving memory of Emily Clifford 9.27.2020