Whiskey Momma

Today (and at least once or twice an inferred comment has been made) I was asked if I was really that different in my past relationships and general life interactions, have I really been through a massive transformation of who I am and where I am today, or am I pretending to be different now. Unfortunately, the answer is not simple, yet, it’s not that complicated.The answer is YES and NO.

What does this mean you ask? The answer is- after you experience a significant childhood trauma, trust is not something that comes easy. Add a splash of being unable to cultivate friendships longer than a week (due traveling from town to town) and mistrust of those in authority you have a great recipe for someone who can put on a show and play the part that is needed to appear “normal”(whatever TF that means)…and meet the responsibilities of societies expectations, as well as my own agenda to feel accepted and feel assimilated when I engaged with my peers.

It’s really code for, I hid who I really was due to fear and critical reception of those who make the rules…in my world, it was “the man” or the “girl that wore the nicest close.” It still is to an extent, but I’m able to manage this more due to my wisdom and life experience dealing with “the man” and the “bitches” in addition to having an outlet and the support to be the person I REALLY am, when I am able to show positive regard, being kind, setting VERY good and firm boundaries, and being very clear with who I am upfront (AKA, if you try to give/feed me shit, I’ll call you out).

But how did this change occur? My humans. Simple-my best and closest human, along with humans who know my struggles and suffering. Many conversations with the bestus bestie, Hook, and conversations with “Harry Potter” months ago that inspired and encouraged me to be the person I am supposed to be, to not hide my passion and my agenda and desire to help others. Harry’s own trials were systemic failures of society and too much power being yield by one person and his minions. But he came back with a vengeance and is now enjoying his fine Laphroaig 10 and reaping the rewards of being kind and compassionate.

Seeing Harry’s big “comeback”was inspiring and quite frankly, it pissed me off that he was able to be honest with who he was and although some bending occurred, he stayed true to who he was in character. (oddly enough, just like the real Harry Potter) Fast forward to when I found out I was going to be single and went out on that one date…I was done. I didn’t like and didn’t want to repeat the same pattern over and over and I knew I needed to get real and heal before I could ever consider being in another relationship.

That journey has been extremely frustrating. Again, I found myself being someone else (although to lesser and lesser extents) during interactions and in relationships (this is all people) with others. I questioned my motives, I questioned my fears, and I processed the shit out of them and general life problems. Not only did I NEED to do something different, I WANTED to do something different and be better. So-after some unwanted meditation and a discussion with the “little girl” (my five year old self) who trusted no one, I found out it was me that I really didn’t trust. I put myself in situations of mediocrity so many times, that I had become comfortable. This was bound to happen again…

That realization was a huge revelation and allowed me to explore and process what I wanted/needed to not return to mediocrity. Thus the creation of the “list.” My “Measuring Stick.” It’s not much and may be unspecific, but it is very important to my mental well being and what will reinforce my abilities to be in an open, honest, and sincere relationship with myself, others, and most importantly the one person who poses the best “isn’t it interesting” questions. I am a different person in so many ways. The biggest one is being able to be vulnerable. Being able to say, “Look world, this is my life, and this is what I want, and I AM NOT SETTLING.”

I can sit back and have a fresh and unbiased (when possible) set of eyes and an open heart in a world that generally doesn’t promote (not in a meaningful way at least) good mental health self-care, healthy and loving relationships (whatever that means for those persons), being supportive of others (except when there is something to be gained from another), and most of all the (new) golden rule of “minding your own business and avoid the judgement of others.”

So…simply put, I am different. I am stronger. I love more. I speak up more (in a different and more meaningful way). I stay quiet more. (I really do) I have zero problem with saying no. I have zero problem with saying yes. But I will only do so if I choose to do so…

But most importantly, I am willing to take risks and leap for what I want and I am willing and able to actually fall in love with someone that knows my worth beyond what I believe I may be worth, and it is real. Settling for mediocrity is not okay anymore. I’m not settling…~WM~

I think it’s really important to tell those you love-how much you “like”them. I find it is easy to love people you care about, while easily not liking some of their life style choices or interpersonal qualities. Friends that chew or talk too loud, maybe you don’t like their partners, or you have different beliefs and values. However, you’re similar enough or have enough common interests to find a middle and peaceful ground.

What I’m talking about is that “in-love” person-your human that you can’t imagine existing without for longer than six minutes past their earthly departure. I believe it’s really important for me to make sure you know-that you know just how much you mean to me and why.

Most people can describe the narrative they tell themselves as to “why they are lovable or wanted.” The reasons are pretty typical-attraction, stability (although I’d argue this point with some), aligned or similar beliefs/principles, has a job, can cook, can do laundry, etc, etc…

Some reasons, for me, need to extend past the bounds of basic first level hierarchy of needs. I have my own home, a job, I can cook and clean(although I hate it), I even mow my own grass now thanks to Covid! My reasons are more actualized and generally non-negotiable.

In a recent declaration of my “life why’s” to my number one human, my true love, the person who I admire and I’m inspired most by-I created a list of why’s and the reasons behind the why’s. I’m not gonna share the letter, but I’ll share the “why’s” and maybe some of the reasons!

My list:

1-through adversity and the bullshit thrown at you, a person must be able to thrive-even when you don’t feel like it. This shows character and ones ability to persevere.

2-be able to look for a balance (on most days) to manage life stressors. Focusing on your role as a victim is not a balance. Recognizing when you are a victim, and taking steps to survive and learn from the situation indicates growth, the ability to problem solve, and the ability to evolve.

3-during the moments when you feel off balance, one can still find a balance to get through their demons, their pain, and their suffering out without creating more harm to themselves or others.

4-LOVE in ways someone has never known!

5-Care for and protect your loved ones to prevent them from suffering whenever possible.

6-take perspective. Always.

7- challenge yourself and others. Period.

8-do what needs to be done no matter what it is, no matter how awful it feels at the time, even if you feel shitty because you had to do the right thing.

9-you know you are not perfect, you don’t claim to be, and yet-you are perfectly perfect.

10-Be honest. Be truthful about your fears, your insecurities, and when you lack knowledge-seek answers, not power to shut it down.

11-Make an effort and be an inspiration. Inspire others to work harder and smarter. Inspire them to love more and and open up to the possibility of new adventures in life, including falling in love.

I never really considered that the “like” was as important as I have found it to be. However, spending time with someone from a great distance requires creativity and effort that, for me, feels effortless. It’s like this because I “like” him. I enjoy the silences, the side glances and the head on stares I receive (through FaceTime for now), in addition to the long and meaningful conversations which would not exist if I didn’t “like” him.

If we were in physical proximity of one another there’s a real possibility that we may skip one of the interesting conversations that we’ve had because we were focused on a physical component of the relationship versus really getting to know and be comfortable with hard and uncomfortable shit. Which, anyone who knows me at all knows I call it like I see it-uncomfortable or not.

Do you like your human? Can you see the “rest of your life” component in your interactions or are you marred or confused by the physical attributes and sexual interactions? If this works for you, okay. My intuitiveness says that you’ll be alone and feel lonely at some point in your life due to this limited interpersonal connection. Filling voids with your sexual conquests in effort to “feel the like.”

This blog is dedicated to the person I “like” the most in the world…~WM~

Like many in this pandemic, I’m unable to share my free time with those that I relate to and enjoy spending my time with to relax and recoup from the hustle and bustle of work (which will now be whatever I do from the home), family, and other bullshit. I’m discovering that maybe I am a little bit more social than I previously believed I had been.

Don’t get me wrong-I enjoy not having to be too close to folks, as I usually do when I’m out and having dinner or drinks, or shopping. But, I’m reaching my point of needing my humans. It’s not the physical need, it’s the proximity of being near them. Of course, a physical need is present for the hero in my life, but focusing on that too much may cause emotional harm because the “stay in home” means no traveling to see him or vice versa…

So let’s focus on that for just a minute anyway…the masochist that I am. Is anyone practicing distancing away from their partners?? I’ve had travel changed, he’s had travel changed, and although we hate it and are trying to make the best of it, it’s still shitty. I don’t like it. In fact, I find that if I spend time thinking about it-I get pissed. Thank god for FaceTime.

During this pandemic I read the news, then I must take a break. I scroll through Facebook, I see that most of my sane friends are posting weird shit that I’d never imagine they’d post, and I worry. Then I think about the way the world is shifting into an almost dystopian feel. I quickly challenge that (most of the time), but the feeling and perceptions are still there. In the back of my mind they linger because I dream of our countries’ bosses using our phones to tell us to stay indoors…It’s all very “V for Vendetta” in my dreams/nightmares.

What can we do? What’s going to happen? Is enough being done, have we gone too far? What if we never put a name on this and just let life happen, what would that have looked like? Who’s responsible for this pandemic that appears to be a play in a game of chess? Is this an opus of a mastermind who wants to take down civilization as we know it?

I leave my house and the streets are empty. I went to my job and it was somber at times, however, morale boosters are present at times- donuts, potlucks, funny jokes. The undertones of fear and weariness are present. People are talking about being tired, they’re not sleeping. When they do sleep it’s sometimes broken or full of fear and panic driven by their subconscious worries firing through their dreams and nightmares. Sounds all to familiar to me…

Who knows what has caused our present crisis? We have theories. What do the theories do for us until one is proven to be valid other than feed fear and /or uncertainties? Like many, I have those fears. I have a fear that I am not making the right decisions staying put. I fear that the virus will become bastardized into a bigger problem and more will be taken from us. All while I sit and watch, waiting for others who have a poor understanding and lack the knowledge to make appropriate decisions.

Everyday I have to challenge my thoughts. I have to voice and promote safety, hope, and encourage folks to keep moving forward. So I will too. I don’t have any of the answers. I have hope. I have a glimmer of faith that this will work itself out. I have ambition to promote a sense of peace in a time of confusion and fear. I will identify possible solutions to problems that may arise.

I will teach my responsibilities that through adversity and troubling times great leadership rises to the challenge. They will learn that their character and bravery will be challenged in their lives many times over, and they’ll know how to handle it versus running in fear from their struggles. Because that’s what they will see me do. They won’t see me whine about having struggles or how my sense of routine and stability although shaken, is not going to crumble my foundation because I have experienced struggles many times and survived.

I do this because I have my people. If you miss your people call, FaceTime, Zoom, or Skype them. Avoid visits to flatten the curve and lessen risks for exposure. Let’s work to regain our ability to return to school, work, parks, businesses, and most importantly, our people.

~WM~

I just got my email that says my flight out west was cancelled. I am angry. I’m angry because I want to go out there and cannot. I’m angry because my freedoms and liberties are being oppressed because people can’t stop fucking breaking the rules of etiquette and the virus has spread at maximum speed(or so it seems since deaths have doubled in forty-eight hours.)

I’m angry because like any human, I want what I want, when I want it!! But I can’t have it because people say, “nah, I’m healthy and can handle cold symptoms.” Bullshit! You may be able to, but some of the world’s population (you know, NOT you) are not able to fight symptoms, therefore, their symptoms escalate and are leading to DEATHS.

I’m angry because when the world was more focused on a fucking basketball celebrity’s death- we knew about the virus (it was a smaller print next to the basketball players article) and continued our normal slob, selfish, and indulgent ways! Why didn’t our media and leaders (well, what passes for leaders, under the disguise of a politician) start working on a plan to implement, if the “rush was on” to create a vaccine. (Which is the headline for the article)

Why in gods name are we so fascinated with celebrities, tragedy, menacing, deviant, and the horrific-then post about wanting more hope, more love, more peace. Finding a cure and a vaccine would bring about hope, love, and peace. But instead, we believe the tragedy will allow us to feel better about our own life situations. (At least my life isn’t that bad)

Wrong. Improving your life through changing your circumstances by growing, learning, and making the world better is the only way to develop love, hope, and peace. Just comparing your life to others and being grateful it’s not you will cut it. Being grateful is fantastic. Gratitude is a wonderful motivator.

I can be grateful it’s not me or someone I love (YET) that has contracted the virus. With that gratitude I’m writing to say- stay HOME!!! I can also say that I’m grateful to still have a job and getting paid…at the same time, I’m not sure I’m an essential employee. I’m an essential human, but I’m being told what I do is essential. This will help keep normalcy and prevent greater problems.

Well if I’m dead my Little’s will have great big problems. I know what happens when kids grow up without one of their parents. Will they have support, sure, but it’s not the same. Especially, when all of this was preventable to a degree in which we did not make efforts to reduce spreading fast enough, and even now, we are leaving people to their own judgement about staying home in most states.

So now we keep seeing deaths, our medical professionals are getting ill and also dying…and our politicians (not all of them) are still focused on bipartisan bullshit versus pulling together for the greater mankind. Yeah yeah…I get the economy is important. That’s not at all what I’m saying, so don’t attack. I’m saying taking a step back from political agendas is something that needs to happen. BOTH sides. We need real leaders right now.

I’m sure I’ve ruffled a few feathers with some of what I have written. That’s ok. Because if I have ruffled your feathers and you target and focus on the political part of this blog and became defensive-you need to look at your heart. Then ask yourself, what is more important right now, preserving and saving mankind or your political affiliation feelings?

As we move forward it’s time to focus on saving lives and creating a world that is healthy. We can do that if we blame and throw punches at one another (no hot pocket in the world is worth a punch)…because amid all our chaos, enemies are launching shit into the sky and they are watching us. They’re watching our nation slowly rip apart. They are looking for weaknesses and strengths.

Stay home or stay away from people. Stop hoarding the supplies. Don’t travel. Don’t visit. Cherish your loved ones from afar. FaceTime, Zoom, Skype…”be sensible your not invincible.” ~WM~

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/coronavirus-cure-bryant/

Anyone watch the show “Stranger Things?” Of course you have…if you haven’t, that’s ok too. In the show there is an alternate universe called “The Upside Down.” I presently feel like I’m in the upside down. I’m feeling like I’m walking forward directionally however, I feel like walking backwards at the same time.

It seems like the world is divided into separate groups of givers, takers, protectors, problem solvers, problem preventers, and the worst, -the problem creators. The folks who ignore the warnings of gathering complicate matters. The folks that are deliberately not using good hygiene-are spreading the virus.

Another virus spreading through our nation and around the world is fear…rightfully so, might I add. Especially when we use memes and other misguided outlets for our news sources. Which, unfortunately, some take as facts versus researching the information to ensure what they are posting, sharing, gossiping about, and making important decisions based on is actually fact based and researched enough to have validity and merit.

I know people struggle. I’m struggling. However, mine and many others’ struggles are first world struggles. What happens to those folks who drink only bottled water, no longer have the ability to purchase this water. Even those of us who clean our tap water from it’s nasty sediments and germs will struggle to know how to clean and purify water to drink, should plants close because illness has spread far into the reaches of rural, urban, and farm communities.

The irresponsibility with not taking a pandemic seriously, I believe comes from sincere ignorance. Many current generations have not had to deal with a pandemic let alone real problems of global proportions. Parents and educators have not been required to teach young (for several years) about real hardships because we are spoon fed and spoiled by the bounties that our previous generations have bestowed upon us.

We keep spending time ignoring the warnings about the spread of the disease. Elderly to the young alike. I seen a kid about nine years old holding his fountain drink while riding his bike. Exercise is fantastic. However, how important is it for that young man to go into a convenience store to get a fountain soda at the risk of catching a contagion from someone who didn’t wash their hands after touching snot or saliva then touched that same fountain or countertop?

I take risks. I and many others are considered essential employees. I like to look at it as though I’m a wolf who runs into the fire to save and protect, and in the end, become part of a bigger solution. I have many colleagues and friends who also run into fires. Those are my people. The people who aren’t saving lives, keeping order amidst chaos, making decisions that cannot be made on a telephone video conference needs to stay in and around their homes.

I’m sorry you are bored. I’m sorry you are experiencing struggles with cabin fever or children that cannot manage their emotional dysregulation. The bottom line remains. Stay the fuck away from other humans. I don’t want your germs and because I have to work (because I am essentially Wonder Woman, jk) I don’t want to give you anything I may bring out from the places I go for my job.

For the folks doing what is being asked and following the restrictions using good humor and positive promotion-thank you so much. I love hearing about the singing, the bear treasure hunts, the food care, the visiting through windows of nursing homes to see loved ones, the truck drivers being cared for, the store clerks being treated as humans, with the exception of some asshole yelling at them about “hoarding toilet paper in the back” of a Dollar store (that guy can suck it).

I love that people are managing their travel cancellations, their family vacations that they’ve been planning for a couple years that are needing to be changed-they are doing this from a disappointed emotion, however, they are aware of the risks and the risks outweigh the benefits. Death will and should make one reconsider how entitled we sometimes feel when it comes to what we want, or feel we deserve or feel we may be entitled to receive. You are owed nothing.

For the overall complaints you may have right now about our current situation-it’s ok to be mad, it’s ok to feel abandoned and mislead, it’s ok to feel afraid of the uncertainty that most everyone must feel right now. It’s ok to be worried about finances, it’s ok to wonder when you’ll get to hug and kiss a loved one, and even be angry that the pandemic is interfering with your overall quality of life.

What is irresponsible is scaring others with misinformation because it fits your conspiracy theory. What is unethical is blaming one party over another for shortcomings that only few are trained to manage. What is unbelievable is turning on one another because we are afraid. When we are afraid and feel yucky-we want others to feel how we feel. Just like we want allies to support our good ideas and agendas, we want allies to be afraid with us too.

I am scared. I don’t want to catch this illness, but I also have to work as I did not win the powerball last night. If I catch this illness I’ve been informed by my doctor and another that is not my doctor, that it will most likely turn into pneumonia quickly, then a respirator, then possible tragedy. I have Little’s. I have people who love me. Why would anyone want to take a risk on my life and the life of my loved ones because they are bored and need to get out and window shop at the local Wal-Mart?

Stay in. Order groceries or send one family member out to retrieve them. Wash your hands. Cover your damn mouths and noses when you cough and sneeze. Stay away from people like me and other health professionals. Don’t risk your loved ones safety. Read credible news, not the one that supports this party or that. It would be awesome if people focused less on their political agendas and more on saving the nations’ people. Right now we are all one. We are all fighting the same battle, however, there are Benedict Arnolds among us sabotaging our success.

Don’t be a Benedict Arnold. Stay Home! I pray all stay safe and clean. Above all choose selflessness, compassion, understanding, acceptance, and self- fucking discipline.

~WM~

“Isn’t it interesting” was a question posed to me to question my belief about a topic. Specifically, about how men and women (with one, both, or neither in a relationship with someone other than each other) can send sexually charged material via social media or messaging and it not have any sexual meaning. (Another upcoming blog)

Isn’t it interesting that this conversation was presented in a passionate manner that evoked thoughtful consideration and behavior change from a place of respect and love. But triggered the person offering their perspective to become regretful about saying anything at all.

Isn’t it interesting that the perspective offered was logical and accurate, however, due to how he has received defensive reactions in the past, he thought he had said too much and was concerned about my reactions?

Isn’t it interesting how as a society full of intelligent, progressive thinking, and philosophical scholars we cannot explore the possibilities that our beliefs maybe skewed, inaccurate, or maybe…wrong. Better yet, many quote scriptures that benefit their beliefs, but forget in Proverbs, Ecclesiastics, 1 Corinthians, Romans, and in many more books offer us encouragement to explore and have faith that we do not have all the answers, and thus we need to keep learning.

Proverbs 3:5-6 New International Version (NIV) “Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.”

I’ll let you interpret the scripture however you need to in order for it to fit into your conceptualization of how this blog may apply to your life. However, I will pose one perspective that I have.

Isn’t it interesting how scripture is open to interpretation and how we have the free will to determine how it may or may not apply to any given situation. Yet, we struggle doing the same when we receive new information or alternate perspectives that may challenge us or our behaviors due to the possibility that we may be doing something harmful or basically, just “not okay?”

We live in a society where it’s not ok to be wrong or to make mistakes. We are not forgiving, yet we spout how forgiving God (and we are just like him, right?) is. We judge the actions of others without consideration of our own actions because we are righteous in our belief that we are right. We do not consider alternate perspectives because we are educated experts and there’s no way we can be wrong because if we are wrong, then maybe we aren’t perfect. If we aren’t perfect, then people will think less of us.

If people think less of us…it’s really a moot point. You have already fully relied on how other people think about you to gain self worth, value, and you’ve used all your emotional intelligence. Now you are incapable of having an intelligent conversation without becoming defensive and possibly unreasonable.

Being able to use perspective taking is a hard skill to learn, let alone navigate through a world of pain and suffering. We want to be happy, however, sometimes we are unwilling to change our circumstances and be uncomfortable to achieve our happiness. Being uncomfortable and wrong is awful if you label it. It’s can also be an opportunity to grow and make changes.

It can also be an opportunity for you to tell your own-“I was wrong and it was okay” story. We can teach our youth how to be ok with making mistakes and lessen their sense and need to be perfect. With that being said, I’m not saying settle for less, I’m saying work smarter for greater!

I was wrong about my actions. It seemed little and of no consequence. However, stepping back and listening to the logic being offered was easy and way more uncomfortable for him than it was me. I hurt for him because I couldn’t fix how years of people becoming dicks to him when he offered alternate perspectives led him to having fear of “saying to much” with his “stupid mouth.” In reality…he said just enough.

Isn’t it interesting….~WM~

This past twelve months has been a time of change and rebirth. It has been a literal shedding of skin and old ways of looking at my life and how I view the world. Then ultimately making decisions in a very different, yet possibly a more sound and thoughtful way.

The past three months has been a time of grieving changes and loss that have been forced on me and those I love. It’s also been additionally hard as I separate from those I leaned on during this year’s journey. Seasons change, sometimes the people in the seasons change with you. Sometimes they just get shinier as they sink into a deeper shade of denial.

Nonetheless, changes come when the east wind blows. Unfortunately, Mary Poppins isn’t here to save us from ourselves. We have to rely on our sense of ethics and our moral compass (which varies greatly). Being in a relationship that has been built on the truth of our past and acceptance of our “inevitable” and beautiful future opens my eyes a little bit more to how easy it is to fall into fear traps.

I had an interesting conversation with a guy I barely had conversations with in the past (we will call him, Kronk) and knowing I’m in a committed relationship, asked to connect. Nope. Sorry, not sorry. It made me consider what I’ve been observing around me more. For example, I see old behaviors when the promise of new love is on the horizon. M

It’s not for me to judge. However, honesty with yourself prevents pain and suffering in others. I am privileged to have a couple guy friends, and I treasure their relationships, not because they are men, but because they are humans that are kind, respectful, and compassionate and they would never cross the line to hurt me or my guy.

There are guys that keep trying to push boundaries and make comments about “being broken up yet.” Those folks can go away and be miserable by themselves. I don’t have time for their shit. you have bigger problems than me being happy. Figure your shit out and leave me alone.

Grief of losing relationships with friends albeit through force at the work place, or through friends having their own lives happening and keeping them tied up is another consideration I’m dealing with. Again, seasons change, the times they are a changing.

Keeping pace with the changes of the world climate, work, family obligations, and still trying to maintain self-care is daunting and damn, having someone help carry that burden either through a friendship, family relationship, or a partner is so helpful (if they’re not toxic).

Letting things and people go may hurt upfront, but it can also lead you to heal. Knowing who you can rely on steadfastly and who may be in your life seasonally is key. My advice-don’t be a seasonal person to your humans. But also-set the boundaries to know when they’re not receptive to your help. Support can be you not saying a word sometimes. Also- set limits for your emotional investment in others behaviors-this will help keep you sane.

This has been somewhat of an epitaph for some of the people I’m letting go of…I hope those who have been struggling can take a piece of peace away from this blog. ~WM~