Whiskey Momma

I’ve been thinking all week about a way to say…I need a moment. I need a moment from life, my littles, my sadness, my expectations I put on myself, my responsibility, my work and everything in between. Seriously. I just need a moment.

But I don’t get one unless the food is fed, the laundry is done, organization is managed, needs and wants are met, and everyone is asleep.(At least, this is what I tell myself) I have been thinking about the expectations and the rules I have in place for myself, and what I am suspecting is a mom or single parent thing for a bit now.

I thought I was moving forward from my suffering and the sense of loss, and perhaps I am, but definitely at a cost. A cost of my confidence as a mom, a woman, and as a human who helps others. As I sip ( gulp) my cognac and switch to my Woodford double oak, I painstakingly think about how much I’m suffering and I am instantly aware that I am weak.

I am a weak human, I am a weak woman, and I am a weak mom. But, I can feel it in my bones that I am growing stronger and learning the lessons I am supposed to learn along the way. I just need a moment. I need a moment to remember and reflect on how my life has changed and how this new pain I’ve never felt until now pushes and drives me forward.

The losses in the past year have been extremely profound. Jobs, friends, and family that have been a part of my circle. The ones that built me up when I couldn’t do it myself. For all that, I need a moment.

Right now I have a moment. A moment to finish the blog and have a beautiful pour of sweet decadent VSOP Courvoisier and a short bubble bath…while I Snapchat with one of my young darlings in Missouri. cheering her on as she moves forward in her own journey that’s loomed with sorrows. But like me, she takes a moment for herself. Just a moment.

We rush in life to fix this, take care of that, cool this, sooth that…yet we seldom take a moment when we need that moment. We need to take more moments…seriously. Take the moment…

Thank you Lady A from Jeff City. You’re a shining star I’m the world of so many dark hearts…love and gratitude, WM

So much has happened since February of 2020. Really so much has happened since the separation of a life of lies. Since I have had to face a new reality since mid 2019, I don’t recognize my life…for the most part I am living my best life, but the losses of 2020 have hit me and my loved ones right in the gut. Which makes my head absolutely swim in confusion and at times, fear of more loss.

The life of lies I had was plagued with distractions, avoidance, and purchases that only deflected unhappiness and deceptions. The struggle to be happy when happiness was not an equation in the formula was exhausting. I have since found genuine happiness and satisfaction with myself…everyone else in my world is a grand bonus.

Fast forward to the present day and my struggles (with the exception of losing loved ones) are completely different and very welcome. I have the usual little people problems, i.e. temper fits, and until someone turns seven or eight, there is a bit of selfishness and self-centered perspectives. But, the big changes are respect, honesty, gratitude, routine, love, structure, acceptance, and this calming sense of feeling safe. Which is only disrupted by the chaos of insecurity, doubt, and instability by outside parties.

I don’t recognize the emotion of someone being sincere, without underlying motives. I don’t recognize the lack of expectations of some arbitrary behavior I’m unaware I am or should be doing…or when I am encouraged to do something for myself, that there is an expectation of quid pro quo by the other party. I don’t recognize someone doing something kind for me, and not expect something bigger and grander in return.

So my life is unrecognizable as I am not a party to my past anymore. My life is paired with fine bourbons, Scotch’s, and whiskeys; and even more recently, a lovely cognac. Someone pours me a drink, only to see my reaction to the nose and notes of my drink, as well as the digest of flavors and guess possible processing combinations; AND if I want to eat a candy bar or cookie with it, he joins me lovingly. (But who wouldn’t want to eat a Girl Scout cookie with a lovely hundred proof?)

In my present life, reading Kierkegaard is foreplay, and crops aren’t just for fields…or human consumption. In my present life I have joy amid extreme sorrow and pain. In my present life, I do not need a light at the end of the tunnel because light is always present. In my present life I do not need an out or a backup plan. I don’t have to justify or explain away my thoughts or decisions. I am accepted without judgment. I don’t recognize my life…

This blog is paired with a really nice Makers 46 that was created by The Liquor Store of Jackson Hole.

As a side note, I stole the line “I don’t recognize my life” from my sweet human. It was inspiring to process the fact that Im not alone with the happy struggle with accepting my new life…

How to start this tirade without making it sound like I’m in a tirade has been a challenge for me. I was trying to sleep (which is hit and miss these days) the other night and I began to think about my old “friends” that went on trips with my family, spent time at parties for my littles and how their “friendship” wasn’t really a friendship at all, ever.

I took perspective and thought about the changes in the persons life that they told themselves in order to keep distance before and after I left their close proximity. I can see some rational distance as this person had made their way up the chain. Then I realized that I actually felt sorry for this person. “I feel sorry for this person.”

When I got my divorce, they knew and there was no reaching out. I seen them at 12 West and had a drink with them. Months passed after saying “keep in touch.” I sent messages, making the effort because I know they work long hours. But nothing. I’d see them pretty routinely drinking at 12 West and I’d say hello…but nothing.

Then my mom died. Mom made them treats and gave them gifts and whatnots. I sent a message to them and I received one response and although kind, it was distant and what one might say to someone who was a Facebook friend only. WTF is wrong with people?? Then I realized that this person has continued to have a serious inability to connect with other humans on a emotional field to maintain that lack of connection as a possible protection. But seriously, this person is in the helping field!

I explored the relationship and the stories this person shared with me about growing up and realized, this is why they struggle with leadership and other human connectedness areas. I feel sorry for them. When I first thought about this I was angry and hurt and felt betrayed. However, in reality they’re the one who is not equipped with the parts to be connected to others unless it’s on superficial level beyond a very few people in their circle.

That makes me sad. But it also makes me appreciate how passionate I am to help and make the connection with others. I can absolutely set boundaries and walk away with a huge explosion and AC/DC playing in the background, but when I make connections, I make connections….for that, I thank my mom.

The next time we get angry about a relationship falling apart maybe if we take perspective and create a whole picture of what all parties bring to the table (core beliefs, traumas) we can see that what we think we know, isn’t what we really think is happening.

~WM~

November 23, 2020 was a typical day. I worked at the office for a bit. I drove home and stopped at the store for thanksgiving groceries. While I was in the store I received a call that Mom was really sick and the ambulance was called. I knew mom had been sick with Covid and had FaceTimed a few times, but couldn’t get in touch with her for a couple days…

A plan to take her to the hospital was made and that was that. I prayed and finished my shopping quickly and tearfully, but I was in no way ready for the next call a few minutes later. Mom required CPR. Never had I imagined hearing those words let alone it actually being a reality. But there I was on the side of the road surrounded by beautiful mountain ranges and begging God to heal my mom and screaming as I tried to make sense of the world as I know it as it shattered around me.

Every hug she gave me, every “mommy loves you,” every time she showed up to see me perform, or when I was sick, or to visit after a long day at work, to pick up her grands to have overnight fun…flashed before my eyes and I knew. I knew I’d never get to hug her or tell her I loved her again.

I questioned whether or not I told her I loved her enough, or if I was kind enough…the past year had been rough due to the divorce. But recently I’d been able to reconnect and do more stuff with her again; for which I will forever be grateful. I was blessed (although at the time I was worried) to spend a week with her after I sold my house and I’ll forever be grateful for that. In fact, looking back I think that’s the way it was supposed to be…there’s always a plan.

After the second call we lived in fear for another day, then we received some hope from medical staff that she would pull through. On the same day we gained Hope our already fractured world completely disintegrated on November 26, 2020. Me and the littles were sitting on the tarmac waiting to fly to Missouri to “talk about comfort measures.” My sister asked if she could call, which I said to text cause it’s rude to be on the phone when it’s time to fly. She wrote, “how can I message this to you” and I knew.

I called her and she told me my brother made it in time to see her just as she passed. It was the absolute worst moment of my life. The person who gave me my life force was no longer alive. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Moms live forever!! She seemed so strong and always on the go. What am I going to do living in a world where my mom is not physically a part of?

My siblings and I earned and realized as we talked to one another that mom wasn’t as healthy as we had thought. While I was there she was so tired all the time. She took a lot of medications, and she worked so hard everyday for as long as she was able to work (her whole life). When Covid overcame her she didn’t seek medical care, possibly from her delirium from sickness and high blood sugar. Who really knows?

Mom and I talked about what “you only have one life meant” to her before I moved west. She said she understood and believed she had it covered with her family and friends, however, she didn’t have the “camper she always wanted.” She described taking the littles fishing and camping and became so excited when she talked about taking them to Montauk like she did with us.

Mom lived though. She traveled with all of us and spent as much time as possible with friends. I know she was sad when I moved away, but we talked and FaceTimed every day until she became too ill; for that I will forever be grateful. She was happy I was happy and the last thing she said was, “I love you baby.”

My brother gave me great advice today. He encouraged me to focus on work, family, and moving forward, but never forget how she loved us. I’ll add that I will be working harder (not that it takes much effort) to stay in contact with my brother and sister and their families every day. Because I want them to know I love them and that they are important to me and my family.

My heart hurts beyond measure as I wrote this so I leave with advice to all- live and love like you’re not guaranteed tomorrow. Because you are not…~WM~

I was trying to park in a crowded Jackson restaurant parking lot the other day and although I was a little perplexed by the lack of parking skills and available parking spaces, I became even more frustrated by the multiple signs that stated, “Because of Covid-19.” Ugh. Because of Covid-19 has become the “excuse” and reason for many of my life’s difficulties and bullshit.

Seriously. Because of Covid…Hotels still charge the same rates without any previous amenities. Restaurants can throw slop in a box without napkins, forks, or other condiments. Employees who are considered “essential” are put at risk for catching the virus, then the ripple effect of isolation and quarantine fucks everyone else’s work, schooling, and child care up.

Beyond the mess it makes for those who catch it and have mild symptoms, it can cause considerable health problems leading to lack of work which can cause considerable financial losses-and possibly up to the ultimate loss and the “debt that all men pay” death. I have many friends who are single earners or self-employed. Should they catch it they’ll be in a very precarious situation which has lead to many financial hardships.

The pandemic created problems right out the gate for me…and although I’m dancing on the stars because I’m with my human, it has created significant issues that effected many of my humans or others that have bearing on my life. But I digress.

“Because of Covid 19” will be the reason and answer for many peoples troubles this year and many years after… However, the thought that so many argue about how to address and manage the virus as well the negative effects of tearing apart families, friends, and less scientifically speaking, it’s created a new type of guilt that I have as a mom now.

Because of Covid-19, I have learned a new way to feel like shit for not protecting my littles. It’s gonna sound irrational but hear me out…

I cannot see this virus and I must assume that since everyone is testing “positive” regardless of symptoms being present, this virus is a super villain virus that can jump from person to person, live in clothing, and ultimately create a political nightmare bringing us to the brink of creating a civil war.

Our littles missed nearly half a year of school, vacations, trips to the library, playing in parks, socialization (which is very crucial during formative years) and normal and healthy family and friend interactions which lead to balanced healthyish adults. As a mom it’s painful to see them suffer, as a therapist I know the possible long range consequences of not having a solid foundation.

Plus-I added to the equation by moving them to another state. Which coincidentally, they’re still in school until who knows when, and they have a stable and structured home life. Due to distance there isn’t a flip flop of homing patterns. I know they miss some of their people, thankfully there is electronic forms of communication. It definitely helps me stay in contact.

But damn the mom guilt. They’re happy. They haven’t complained. But why do I look for their struggles. Beyond their current changes, as parents, we do this to ourselves. Almost to the point of creating new problems. So. What do you do? Play cards with them, have waffle and KPop dance parties, do a snow dance for them. Maybe take them to Disney?

Maybe that last one was for me…but it’ll ease mom guilt. I am curious though, how and why do you create parent guilt? Do you realize you do? If you don’t, how do you avoid it? Please let me know! I will be working on this area for growth and need more feedback.

As always…❤️ ~WM~