Whiskey Momma

Everyday I encounter questions from people about the “why” in their lives. Examples: “Why is this happening to me?” “Why am I the only one?” “Why is life so unfair to me, I don’t deserve it.” The type of “whys” noted are what I “consider to be the wasted why’s.” We ask GOD WHY? We ask our humans WHY? We ask our kids WHY. We ask our bosses WHY? I consider these to be the wasted WHY’s but again, that’s just me.

What would happen if we ask ourselves the big WHY? “WHY am I”…I drive people crazy with this concept because it limits your answer to YOU and kicks others out of the equation and how they may have contributed to your why, well in the end. So I ask you now-What is your WHY?

I’ll go first. What is my WHY? I usually ask myself that question at some point each day. What is motivating me? What is my desired outcome? Who is the audience I am striving to serve with my why? My why is usually not selfish but sometimes it may be perceived that way depending on the audience.

I have some amazing folks that have learned to ask their “why” after processing a few times, they now come prepared and ready to process their “why” because they are motivated by their eagerness to make positive changes in their lives. This is beautiful for me because it reminds me of my “why.”

No matter what our “why”-mine or anyone else’s, if it supports the “do no harm” to self or others concept, you’re on a good path. If it promotes negative or unhealthy outcomes perhaps one should take another look at their why.

A tip when asking your “why!”

• Why am I…today?
• Why am I asking this question?
• Why am I getting involved?
• Why is this important to me?
• Why do I care?
• Why am I feeling this way?
• Why am I choosing to stay?
• Why am I feeling not good enough?
• Why am I doing the same thing over and over?

If you start asking your why you may see yourself in the mirror more clearly-which I’m guessing will not feel so great if you’re being honest with yourself no matter how wonderful you are. I get uncomfortable all the time. But asking my why keeps me on task and moving forward.

Good luck on your introspection journey and I look forward to hearing your why!!!

~WM~

I sit with people I serve everyday who lie to themselves and others telling lies to feel better about the shit show they are may be living in. Which I totally get…I’ve been there. I still do it sometimes to cope during distressful moments until I can actually address what is going on.

But damn, the bullshit humans tell themselves to feed their delusions and fake narratives is damaging. I’ll just get to it…Cancelling people, cultures, and history…cancels the life changing positive changes people and cultures have made to create a better history. Not all newer history is better, but to deny history that isn’t warm and fuzzy has happened does more harm than good.

We are cancelling people who made mistakes several years ago and are being blasted and cancelled now for behaviors leaders at the top of our nation make everyday. Our top leaders have made fun of genders, races, religions, sexes, cultures, people with disabilities, people who didn’t go to college, people who were POW’s, people who are impoverished, people with mental illnesses, and human’s of various shapes and sizes. It goes on and on…

There isn’t a single person who has not been a negative influence/impact on another human. If you are the one human that has never followed through with ill will or intent, YOU are in denial. Bullies come in every shape and size. BULLY: “seek to harm, intimidate, or coerce  (someone perceived as vulnerable)”

This simply means that if you are a person who has power, authority, physical will and ability, over another-and you coerce, belittle, or intimidate them you have been a BULLY. Theoretically “Cancel Culture,” no matter how good their intentions may have been to start with, is BULLYING!

Cancel culture has cultivated a sense of entitlement and beliefs that one should not or does not deserve to have their life problems. This creates and reinforces ones inability to learn coping skills or to take personal responsibility in some cases, as they reinforce their “it wasn’t my fault” roles when it may not be appropriate.

I would love to cancel some people who caused me harm (they are dead so…) and I am sure there are people who feel the same for me, but I am surviving my life through the skills I learned from those traumas. It will not take me down because I am not strong enough to work through whatever is happening or may happen (even when/if it doesn’t feel like i will survive). If I cancelled the people who behaved like Chrissy Teigen did several years ago before she became the mature human she has become, I too would be cancelled…and so would you.

~WM~

For the last two weeks I have been tormented by recurring bouts of “not feeling good enough” and thinking, “why would anyone want to love me.” When these moments occur I am quick to consider my mental and emotional abuse with forty plus years of supportive facts and evidence as to why I am not good enough for the people in my life. My facts are clear and deafening as they resound how much of a human piece of trash I feel like I am.

Now, before you jump to my defense or a conclusion, ask yourself right now, “have I ever felt this way?” I don’t have the statistics and I am really too lazy to look them up right now, but I am guessing at least half the people reading this blog has in fact felt similar to what I have been experiencing. Some may call it something different, “a funk,” “a low mood,” or at worst- “depression.”

I have really been struggling through this, however, I am coming out on the other side as I learn what it may be about. First-the evidence…this may be a trigger to some, please take the time to care for yourself-take a bath, swim, light a candle, or drink a glass of whatever. (I chose Dalwhinnie)

EVIDENCE:

• Abused as a child; Why would someone do that to me if I was good, right??? Completely an irrational belief, however, nearly every abused victim has the same belief to battle.
• I loved most of my time, the longest job I had, but I quickly learned that no matter how hard I worked or the long hours I worked, I was still an expendable woman. Thankfully that was changed when Jay took over…by then I think it was too late.
• But the worst and longest- 22 years of unrealistic expectations by two husbands who cheated with multiple women. Some with people where I worked, some who were supposed to be friends…I was just a chump.

In the details of the evidence listed are my crying and gaslight episodes of being told I was “reading into it too much,” “nothing happened, it was a misunderstanding,” “I was pushing him away,” “you should’ve been home, instead of chasing my job,” “if you would’ve been more __________,” (fill-in the blank). It was all lies. They lied and I accepted it to keep the peace, to save myself from feeling the shame of my poor decisions.

So, here I am, in the receding flood of all the dark emotions that reinforce “not being good enough” because I have told myself I am a broken and damaged human. Or, as an alternate perspective, I have the same amount or more evidence that I can prove to myself I am worthy of love and respect. Not because of what I have to offer someone, but because they are kind and loving.

Not because the dishes, laundry, or other house work is done. Not because I work all day and help people, the kids are fed and watered, and a meal prepared and ready to go. It is because I am a human and in the realm of human kindness and love, I have and should continue to have an expectation to be given respect in my relationships with myself and others because I am a human being.

No one can write your narrative without your permission…I allowed way too much of my life to be written by others because I gave them that power. I write my own narrative now. I tell the world what I’m going to do and when I’m going to do it(mostly). I won’t give that power away again. I will feel these feelings again, however, now I will be more prepared for what they mean and how to work through them.

Who writes your narrative?

~WM~

A long time ago in a job far, far, away…I had enough. I had enough gossiping, lying, low wages, poor morale, and bad human beings trying to convince themselves they were “doing a good job” when they were really just patting themselves on the back. To conquer my negative environment and my negative attitude I had to take back my “enough.” When I took my “enough” back, I was able to see things through a different lens and find a balance I had never had before. And now…I find myself spending time not focusing on keeping my enough.

My watch tells me when to stand up, when to breath, and under the guise of being motivational, it judges me when I don’t close my circles…I work for others and I forget self-care. I spend hours trying to keep my littles on base with persons who have their life just the way they want (zero responsibility, none of the blame), then lack motivation to make a real gesture of love and support for them. But, I digress, I will not give it power. (at least not anymore)

To take back my enough then, (and now) I had to look at things in a way I had never looked at things before. I had to close my mouth and open my ears, then close my heart, then, and only then did I feel empowered to set boundaries with others so they could not take my enough again, or better yet, I didn’t give my enough to them.

Finding your enough is simple, taking it back…well that is a bit tougher, but with the right motivation you too, can get your “enough” back. Step one, ask yourself “are you tired of being tired all the time,” “do you feel like others control your world and you’re not sure how this happened,” “do you feel like a robot with the same routine, but its not meaningful, and you’re miserable” and finally ask yourself, “what have I done nice for myself recently.”

OKAY! So now that you have done the quiz, if you’re still reading this you are either curious or looking for your test results on how to take back your “enough.” Remember all results take time and patience to achieve, however, you’ll see some changes immediately. Follow the steps below as a guide, remember you’ll need your own find your own treasure map to achieve this based on your personality, skill level, and environment.

1. Close your mouth and listen.
   • Listen to what everyone around you is saying and especially what they are NOT saying. Listen to the infliction in tone, their subtle pauses, vocal nuances speak volumes.
   • Are they lying? Don’t say a word-unless it is absolutely your job to call bullshit, or someone is in danger (work/family). Ask yourself “why it would be important to call out their lie.”
2. When it is your turn to speak or you are asked to give feedback follow these steps:
   • Am I emotional right now? Will you be able to speak FACTS or FEELINGS?
   • What is my motive? Are you angry and want someones behavior addressed?
3. If your are in your feelings-do NOT talk, simply say, “I am taking a moment to think about the information.
   • I know this is VERY hard, but if I can do it, so can you!
   • Your inner dialogue will need some challenging statements, like “count to 100,” “is it a fact and if so, what are the facts.”
   • Give your brain time to cool the feelings (the Thinking mind and emotional mind) down. Even if you count to 10, it will give time for oxygen to do its part.
4. Do NOT react, respond-and when you respond, make sure your motives are note geared towards anything but solving the problem for long term.
   • If you want to clear toxic people from your life both at work or home, be kind and set very clear and firm boundaries. Yes, this may result in a negative reaction form others, but walk away and know you did the right thing.
5. Keep practicing steps 1-4 over and over until desired results achieved.

Listen, or not, I can’t make you do anything, but since you are at least here, just try this skill. If it works, great, if not, sorry you wasted a few minutes. Just remember you have NO power over anyone but yourself, and ONLY you can write your narrative IF you take your enough back.

Ruth E, this post is dedicated to you. I was looking back at FB and was reminded about you taking “your enough back.” I will say that working with You, Sarah, Heather, Angie, Amy, Chris, Gabe, Cassie, Andrew, and James we were the best team. I miss you all terribly, and I am so thankful we have stayed close!

This blogged was paired with a Teeling Irish. Its the whiskey that I relate to the most due to its beautiful Phoenix using on the label and the taste is the closest to a butterscotch note that I have had with an Irish. More to come with a full on tasting of my latest package from TJ!!

~WM~

Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when you were friends or spent time with another person by association, and the person created unnecessary chaos or drama? Of course you have. I’m going to lay down some super bullshit I’ve been through, along with some of my other gals. We are gonna sort out the perspectives we can and go from there.

I’m going to try to be generic “ish” but this topic has me hot this past few weeks. Not just for me but for my humans. Tactics have ranged from subtle manipulation to blatant lies and create differences of inclusivity to exclusivity. Men and women are equally to blame in the scenarios I’m going to describe; with that said, it does seem that women appear to be more culpable for this type of behavior than men do.

Scenario one: the hot sister-in-law versus the insecure wife. One is made to feel guilty for being confident to wear clothes that may expose skin (gasp) to the point she’s asked or discouraged from wearing said confident boosters. Comments from the insecure are made insinuating her efforts to be “too skinny and making the insecure look bigger.” Funny how booze makes people feel confident to say criticisms but not dress more confidently. In addition, efforts to diminish risks of interpersonal interactions between sister in law and hubby invitations aren’t extended to all, tension is created and if they question the culpable party, then they become the victim versus the aggressor.

Scenario two: the friend who has the best advice, (not really) but doesn’t take it themselves, especially since they’re the one who is creating the chaos friends may need advice for (sometimes, not all). This friend is a pal and is generally super fun. When the moon and the planets are perfectly aligned in their world and they’re happy, then all is well. However, when their world is slightly off kilter, they lose their sense of control and when they feel powerlessness in their personal, home, or professional life their next circle of people often suffer the consequences, i.e. they project their problems onto other persons and create chaos for the person. Then “thankfully” give “great” advice to “fix” the persons problem. By advice I mean “tell them what to do” and if the person follows the advice even more chaos ensues.

Scenario three (the most common): the work “friend.” This is the worst one folks. The friend who is there all the time, helps cover for you if you’re running behind on an assignment, gives you advice when they know you need to talk, then BAM! They’re the “friend” who has taken every secret (if you can call it a secret) or piece of personal information you shared in confidence to manipulate, scheme, and bastardize any reality to seek personal gain.

In my opinion scenario three is one of the worst because it creates an unsafe and hostile work environment. We spend hours at work and most of the time we eat two of our daily meals there, so a safe space is especially ideal as healthy digestion is important…I digress. So we spend several hours each day in what, at times turns into a cesspool of gossip, verbal abuse, bullying, isolation, loneliness, and we often stay on a heightened sense of alert, which creates a brain pathway and yep, PTSD. Don’t forget the being overworked and underpaid part!

All of the scenarios are created by insecure humans (not the word I want to use) who can’t figure out how to handle basic life problems. I have experienced each one of these scenarios and I have experienced a combination of the scenarios. Like those who I am the very closest to, they have experienced these bullying platforms singularly and in combination. The most hurtful incidents are when family is involved.

Other than someone being insecure or jealous there are many things one can tell themselves to justify this type of behavior. But basically they’ve convinced themselves this is reality. They have demonstrated a pattern of this behavior and convinced themselves that they are “surviving,” “helping,” or “they are owed.” They have been harmed or put out and it was “not okay.” So they attack back.

How do we survive this person? We can try to avoid them when it’s possible. Confront the behaviors when and if the person is receptive and there is enough support for you to fall back on if it implodes (this will not work on the job unless HR is involved) Lastly (at least for this blog), we can always default to being kind and quiet even though we want to face punch them. The latter is the one I believe is most effective if you have the skills!

Regardless of who you are, you have certainly experienced this type of behavior because we do not live in bubbles. For the sake of ones integrity I hope you can find a balance of action and inaction to manage these relationships or interactions and learn to coexist with them. No single personality is safe. From those who are sweet and kind to the assertive strong personalities (me apparently) we can all be targets for this harmful behavior.

Developing skills to practice self-care are key. Me personally, right now, I’m enjoying a beautiful cup of coffee with Stranahans whiskey. Beautifully smooth!

Be safe, send love and kindness into the world. Don’t be a shitty human.

~WM~