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Peace…At Last

This past week me and my Little’s traveled back to the homeland. The place where I have friends and family that we love, where I was raised and thought I’d raise my children. Where I told myself I could make a life and be okay and satisfied. However, visiting there now I frequently felt like I was missing something…definitely someone, or maybe both.

I have spent my whole life wondering where I fit in. I tried to make the square peg go into the round hole, but it always felt “off.” Always. I knew there was this adventure that would provide a sense of purpose, safety, acceptance, and this level of love I longed for, but couldn’t match with anyone or anything.

I made the habit of “living life enough” as a pattern and it was acceptable. But no matter what couldn’t put a finger on the missing part because I had never experienced it to know what to look for. But dang if just five short days away from my human didn’t show me I have a piece of that love and acceptance and it is a true and a profound treasure.

When I’ve talked to people I serve and those who are a part of my circle I learn more and more about our tolerance and acceptance of the mediocre and meh. I ask them their whys for staying and it’s the always the same answer…”what else do I deserve,” “what else is there here,” “it’s fine, it’s enough.” But I’m where to tell you it’s not. You’ll never find your peace if you settle and lose passion for the pursuit of life.

I’m not talking about living on the edge, I’m talking about waiting and searching for your excitement and wonder and the one thing that makes you want to really live. The one thing that diminishes career and life goals for love and happiness goals.

Don’t fall into the career and kid trap by settling for the person that’s not yours. That person may belong to someone else. You go and find your person. Sometimes that person is YOU! Let’s stamp the divorce rates and I encourage you to wait for your person.

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Ungrateful and Ignorant…

We encounter many ungrateful and ignorant people in our lives on the daily. We offer up good tidings and such and they just smack it down without a thought about the effort being put into the offer. They judge and criticize out of fear and weakness. However, they seem to never appreciate the efforts that go into the mere ability to offer or gesture.

I’ve had it. I’m done. I am not going to give my enough to them. No matter what I just can’t. I can keep my thoughts and offers to myself and let them go…

Good luck…~WM~

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When Shitty People Happen to Good People…

I so want to start this by saying I know that there are people out there that believe I have been shitty to them. Some yes, for others it’s based on a perspective of being wronged and not being granted something they believed they were entitled to. I have genuinely been shitty to a few. Of course I’ve been able to justify my actions with varying excuses, however, just because the guy was drunk hitting on me and wouldn’t leave, I should not have lied and told him he had mustard all over his face, then used my own spit on a napkin to wipe it off. BTW-he only had a small amount on his face and I actually left it there. So yes. I have been a shitty person.

Next are the stupid choices and decisions based on a series of unfortunate bullshit fed into my brain by others and I allowed my better judgment challenge my moral turpitude. Guess what? I was a shitty person. However, to protect the innocent I’ll say, “yep, that was me.” Being eighteen was hard, but the lessons I learned and the ever thankfulness I have for those who have forgiven.

But since the time my prefrontal cortex has been fully developed (about twenty-fourish), I have been mostly kind and not shitty. I have used a mega load of sarcasm and humor to get through moments that could have been otherwise marked as hard life lessons, but never have I had intentions to harm another being. (I am a carnivore so meat of any kind is excluded in this statement.)

What has happened to me by shitty people has been a far heavier burden on the wrong side of justice. Multiple attacks from jealous women who were chasing my ex, coworkers convinced that I was the devil because of my ability to work without complaining much or being able to tolerate a boss or two, and men who felt threatened by any amount of success that made them feel or think they were weak or lesser.

But even greater complaints about shitty people that I have are those that threaten and create harm to those that are even better and kinder than me. I know the Bible says that we are being prepared for our battles ahead. I realize that those battles are possibly drawing nearer. But my humans are being sacrificed by shitty people. Unsavory employees wrecking their carriages, missing property, endless worries about help, theft…it goes on and on.

People want money but not jobs, employees making a stand against policy that holds them accountable…what is happening? I remember when my boss was in charge, not the bully! I remember a time when a person would be fired for making false claims or acting reckless, aggressive, or hostile on a job. Now we promote them! WTF! Employees are demanding more money, less work, and if they don’t get it they create toxic environments. If they do get it they still create toxic environments because that’s not what they were miserable about in the first place.

Most of these people are unhappy at home, tell themselves the grass is greener somewhere else, are depressed, fantasize about how they’re the ones who’ve been treated unfairly, or just in general, they believe they are owed something. These people do not like me and they know I will call them out. I know many who won’t for fear of retribution…but it is ok to speak out against bullies. If you don’t it’ll keep happening over and over.

Good luck to the good people!

~WM~

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Survival Mode…

It’s been awhile…not because the world lacks topics that need to be addressed, it’s because the world has too many needs that need to be addressed all at once! I’ve mentioned before that it feels like the world is on fire…well the fire is now a raging inferno and unless you have an ability to manage your shit, you’re gonna be ashes.

My load is heaving with people who cannot get it together and those who are not only carrying their loads, but the aforementioned folks’ loads too! The fixers are fixing more than ever and the vicious cycle continues. Well. This fixer believes there may be a better way to manage it, I just haven’t figured it out. At least not for others, and barely for myself.

For myself, I have continued to set significant boundaries. I don’t answer texts after hours unless absolutely necessary, although some get frustrated with this, it is what it is. I shut down my electronics at night to be present. I prepare myself ahead to be as flexible as possible with the day to day stuff, and I ask myself is it worth getting upset over.

Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Either way I have more peace. I focus only on what matters and then once that’s addressed I can focus on collateral details. I use the stop skill A-LOT! it helps me take some deep breaths and lessens the urge to harm others. I also noted that’s not raising my voice helps promote even more peace for myself and my kids. (Although I’m still working on this, they’re complete slobs!)

Regardless of what is happening I really need to make sure I practice mental flexibility. If you don’t understand this-please look it up, it’s has been so helpful with my stress and managing my expectations. It has also changed my brain from constantly being in fight/survival mode to, problem solve and acceptance mode.

As always please use self care, love yourself first, then love those around you. ~WM~

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Don’t Open My Burger…

During cocktail hour last night, while we were enjoying 1792 Full proof and Knob Creek 120 proof we were discussing our relationship and how good it is and why it works so well. We laughed because it’s philosophy is based on him opening his own burger…

In 2020 my human and I were driving across the country and drove through a Wendy’s to grab a quick bite. We both ordered burgers (his a junior deluxe, mine was a junior bacon), there were no differences in the wrapping of the burgers and his burger seemed pretty easy to manage to drive if it was opened for him, which I was happy to help with. However, when I attempted to open it for him he said, “here let me get it, you don’t know how I like it.”

This was interesting as I have opened many sandwiches, candy, chips, etc. for people I co-piloted with and there were only minimal complaints. So I watched to learn and see what magical process he had to manage his burger while driving. Little did I know that the magic wasn’t in the unwrapping, the magic was in the concept that he could do it himself and could manage his business without being reliant on someone, which then could and usually does lead to expectations.

We have talked about this so many times and laughed about it as we both agree that there is a necessity for autonomy in relationships. Co-dependency is so easy to fall into and it is extremely unhealthy. Not being able to act as an independent agent is unhealthy and will always lead to relationship problems. Money, food, chores, jobs, children, church/faith, vacations, leisure, and so many other matters fall under this umbrella.

I love spending time with my person. So much. He is my best friend. I never wonder or worry about where I stand in any situation unless I create a narrative in my head through my trauma lens or a core belief. HOWEVER, and this is a big however as you tell by the all caps…we both are aware of the internal dialogue beast, and when this happen, which it has only happened twice for me, I don’t make my crap his crap. He is completely honest about when he is off and if we need to address something we have already addressed it way before he maybe “feeling off.”

When he is off, I give him space and go on about my business. He doesn’t need to be coddled or prodded to tell me what “I did” and I know not to make his moment about me and my insecurities. He unwraps his own burger. We do not have unknown expectations on each other. We have basic humans in relationships rules, like “don’t cheat.” Pretty basic, but given human history we both wanted to make sure this was definitely a no go behavior! Basically, DO NO HARM is the core of our relationship with one another and others.

If we follow that, our human tendencies to try to control, when we feel like we don’t have control, or to react when we should take a step back and respond when it’s better and more calm continue to work for us. We support and validate one another when it’s appropriate, and challenge one another when it’s appropriate. We do so with respect and awareness of our motives (the why).

I know from two dead marriages, I was a part of the math that lead to their death. I did not want to be a part of another relationship with someone that made being single more appealing. If couples can learn to keep their individuality in their relationships without all the insecurities (which would benefit from dealing with in therapy prior to entering into a relationship) you could have a lifetime of happiness.

I wish everyone the best in their relationships, and I want to encourage those struggling to get into therapy right away. Medications are there for helping, and life skills are always important to learn to help us solve our problems or to manage distress in the moment…

~WM~

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Brunch!

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Brunch!
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My Soap Box for the Month…

Why are some people uncomfortable talking, reading, or listening to someone about their mental health, abusive relationships, and life struggles? Why do so many people avoid facing the reality that life, for some people, seems so hard to manage for various reasons? This problem is so prevalent in our world right now and although you may not care, if we don’t try to be better now our future generations will continue to suffer.

Let’s take a step back to a time when you were a young kid to early teen and you had a problem and or you were suffering or perhaps uncomfortable in some way. Now stay in that moment and focus on how the moment was resolved. Did a parent or guardian comfort you and remove the problem causing the suffering? Did a parent or guardian guide you to figure it out? Did a parent or guardian ignore you and your problems? Did you have to resolve or reconcile the problem yourself?

The answer to these questions are the reasons why some people struggle with adversity and problem solving basic life problems to big life problems. The answer to the questions seem simple and straightforward but they aren’t. Unfortunately, when suffering is removed without learning skills to manage our feelings when we suffer, we grow up not knowing how to handle the hard times. It’s that Simple. Except, without learning those skills you become the world problem. You blame others for your burdens, and this of us that are fixers get dumped on. <insert cough> (Climate change, psychopaths that start wars, etc…)

I learned many things the hard way by choice. Some was not by choice and yet I still had to figure that shit out. I could have easily been a blamer and claimed hardships due to past trauma and such. However, I was fortunate to consider that avenue the path with the least integrity. I also did not resort to illegal means (minus underage drinking) to comfort myself during my trying times. I was also intelligent enough to watch how the generation before me solved their life problems and applied the strategies to my own situations. Because I knew what I wanted in life and I had to get after it myself. It wasn’t going to be handed to me.

However, there are so many that had adversity and suffering removed from their life by parents who suffered and didn’t want their offspring to suffer like they did. So a large group of humans are walking around not knowing how to manage their shit! Drugs and alcohol helped them escape and avoid the “in the moment” feelings but what happens when the drugs and alcohol wear off? Job loss, relationships are dissolved, children of divorce become lost property…etc.

Presently we have a generation of young people watching their poorly trained parents trying to manage their life behind bars, through drug courts, through DFS supervision or worse, the parent has passed leaving the young person to fend for themselves. Perpetuating the cycle of poor problem solving for generations to come.

I get that it may be easier to let others “fix” your problems and if that works and you aren’t creating more problems for the world, then great. Hopefully you’ll get professional help and apply the learned strategies. Life is hard. We will suffer everyday! You choose the easy way (not to cope or accept responsibility) or you can grow and learn. Your choice.

~WM~

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Today…Will Pass

I am sad today. I am not sure the exact reasons, but suspect there are many as I have had many thoughts on the brain that could be triggering. I can tell myself that I have “it so good and better than many” but to do that would belittle and undermine what I am feeling, that doesn’t seem fair (but what does fair mean and who decides what fair is, right?).

So I will write out the feelings and let them flow out. The most intrusive thought I am having is “I am not good enough.” Not as a parent, partner, friend, loved one, etc…it goes on. Then I feel this sense of powerlessness, that feels so UNCOMFORTABLE I become reactive and try to over compensate by trying to take control. I hate it. When I catch myself (the quicker the better) I can reel it back in and not be reactionary, but today it’s hard.

Today I want to just punch people in the face. I want to shut the world out and ignore everything and everyone. It doesn’t seem like an unreasonable request except that it is unrealistic. We can’t hide from the world for long because it keeps going-death, grief, or sadness will stop it.

I am trying to do self care, but the world intrudes with it’s demands and requirements. So self-care is in tiny increments of Hawk-Eye, Clifford the Big Red Dog, and little people hugs. I tried to shut my phone off but, people, business, life…

Anyways…feel your feelings, be you, do you, and be kind to all-because you don’t know.

~WM~

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The World is On Fire…

I started my morning with a kid awake too early and dogs that are too loud. I’ve fed and watered both and I’m currently sitting in my living room looking at my beautiful tree and drinking my Irish coffee perusing through the Facebook to read up on friends’ cruises, cancer journeys, work struggles, child behavior anecdotes, and of course the memories.

I think about my week and of course compare others posts to my own experiences (cause that’s the human brain) and I can’t stop the thought that’s been rolling around all week- the world is on fire! Seriously! I’ve had a very full work week, my practice is booked, and had at least seven friends/acquaintances reach out with their very important life situations.

My brain is exhausted! I have no more to offer but I keep doing it. I have crisis tomorrow, I’m meeting a dear friend today for a walk to let her puke out her life and create a game plan. We have friends out of town and we are watching animals. It’s finally happened…the chaos of the world is creeping into my sanctuary.

My humans feel it, my animals feel, and worst of all I feel it! This is the most human I’ve felt in a really long time and all I can do is say-enough! I am initiating significant self care strategies immediately. My answer will be no, my support will be tactical and at arms length, and I will slow down and get my inner peace back. Now. Starting today.

Telling myself this mantra isn’t enough so I’ve made a list of my strategies and what can be done with each of them…I’ll share some.

  • Calls for help
    • Triage and set boundaries, if it’s not life or death encourage mindfulness and meditation. If it is life or death call your local crisis line
  • Requests beyond what I have to offer
    • Determine if I have the time-will this make me cut family time or exercise time.
      • If it does- I’m happy to say “I wish I could but I can’t”
    • Will this create a bigger mess for me later if I don’t resolve it now?
      • Yes-address
      • No-let it go

Guilt may occur for setting boundaries and that’s a part of life. Telling myself my family and my mental health is a priority is absolute key to a happy life. I will not devalue this and I will not allow the fire to seep in too much or we may not be able to fix it.

If your world is on fire I encourage you to stop, drop, and roll…

  • STOP what you are doing-freeze; take a step back from the situation; observe what you are feeling and thinking, and observe what others are doing around you; then once you are more aware of what is happening proceed mindfully with a plan.
  • Drop-drop whatever you are doing if possible and take a time out for yourself. It’s vital to lower our emotions to have a clear mind to not create more problems for ourselves.
  • Roll-if you’ve done any of the first two steps effectively you should be able to move forward and let things roll off your back like Teflon…

These are basic distress tolerance skills and they are the most effective skills one can use to chill out under heated and intense emotions. I use them everyday and train others to use them in nearly every session. Good luck my weary humans and as always, keep moving forward.

~WM~

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“Why” P2 Do We Change for Others…

How many times have we made adjustments in or likes/dislikes for another person? How many times have we adjusted our values or our life goals to settle for someone and then tell ourselves that we “want this” and it is “better than” what we had originally planned. I have done this for humans, jobs, and other life situations to accommodate whatever shit show was happening and to keep a peace “for myself” really others because I didn’t want an argument.

But where do we draw the line? We tell ourselves we are yielding for peace or love-or whatever other bullshit justifications we use. I look at my friends and watch them behave in ways and walk down paths I have already treaded and I feel helpless. I see those that I serve doing some of the same behaviors and think to myself-“wow, I did this and if I can overcome this, so can they.”

But the first step is “recognizing” what is happening. Being aware of what we are doing is key…Of course if I had asked myself the “why” I would have seen it and paid more attention. However, I didn’t and I became who I am, and I am okay with it because I am “finally me!” (Well the current version)

So, the “why” again…here are some “why’s” to ask for when we accommodate…p.s. there are bonus questions.

  • Why am I changing my goal?
  • Why/How is this important to me and my future?
  • Why is this person/place/thing worth changing my goals?
    • BONUS questions:
      • How will this serve my integrity?
      • How will this help serve my mission?
      • Is it worth the cost of my healthy self?
  • Why am I changing who I am/want to be?

When I stopped changing myself for others I found a freedom like I have never known. The freedom to sit and be still with my own skin. The ability to take a step back and allow others to behave and have needs that I cannot control (nor would I want to anymore). To accept that I don’t need someone to watch me or engage with me to validate my existence.

For those that struggle with being alone and making their own way… it seems those folks need a witness to their living. They need someone to see what they are doing and validate their existence. Like gym buddies, social media (yeah the irony is not lost on me), etc…this isn’t all unhealthy. However, if one can be independent and live alone and not feel lonely, this could lead to a healthy relationship.

Frankly, I bended and broke so much before I seen it each and every time. The only way up for me was to go it alone…I totally White-snaked it. I had humans to spend time with when I wanted to, I had my family-but kept at a distance at times to gather and regroup independently, and I had my littles. So ultimately, I was very comfortable with being alone and enjoying the journey of getting to know myself.

Going down my path lead me to my human. I do not bend. I do not yield. The fact is, I haven’t felt like I had to change anything except my location. (But that was a no brainer.) I do what I need to and what to, he gets the same respect, and we have the loveliest journeys together. We have different perspectives and opinions, but we never fight because it’s okay to have different thoughts and ideas.

We have life struggles like everyone else-family loss, routine shifts, work needs/stressors, cleaning, laundry, meals, vacations, etc…but we do it as a team. Because we knew our “why” we don’t usually have to ask the big “whys” to get the daily life covered.

Figure out who YOU are before you figure out anyone else for YOU. Use the “whys” and if you have to use very many whys about changing yourself you may be in a toxic environment. There could also be life events that can change a person such as injuries(TBI’s) or catastrophic life experiences. However, with medical and psychological assistance you’ll be able to iron the details out for an outcome.

But for most of us just looking to not feel alone, that change ourselves for the “way we think it’s supposed to be” I implore you to challenge that behavior. Ask yourself “why am I doing this?”

~WM~