I was watching a sitcom of a housewife where her husband began to act strange, wearing bracelets and bacon socks. When she asked him what was going on he described his fear of not living and doing something more with his life after he experienced losing a colleague who had the same routine everyday and never lived beyond his office or did anything adventurous. He just died living a meager existence.

Last night I read the news of heaven getting an angel who had fought a hard and painful fight. While attending a fundraiser I spoke to a friend and old coworker who has a son fighting a fight with an unpredictable and arduous uphill battle. Kids cancer fucking sucks and is a horrible, horrible monster.

I was at the local Goodwill store and saw a friend who is going through a divorce which, I had no idea about hers and she had no idea about mine. I have multiple readers who have shared personal story after personal story about how they are starting new chapters of their lives due to separation or divorce and have (rightly so) a significant amount of anger and hostility towards their ex’s. Parents are neglecting their children for their diseases and addictions. Which straight up pisses me off.

The fucking world still has the audacity to spin. However, “their worlds” feel halted, surreal, painful, with all the phases of grief with an extended dash of anger and hostility (surely this is not just me). Someday acceptance may follow our ability to have tolerance for our new lives.

But at what cost to our mental well-being? For some (maybe me a little) our livers? How about our relationships with others, they’re definitely suffering. My poor mom…luckily (and she will tell you this) I’ve always been a “cat” kid. Meaning, “when I want you I’ll come to you, when I don’t want you leave me alone!” (Which clearly is a problem behavior) But our humans suffer.

Luckily, we keep everything inside and stuff that negative shit way down so we don’t have to feel it, right? No. We can stuff it, but it still comes out and up. So what can we do to survive? We talk about it. We work to not stigmatize the pain and suffering we are experiencing so we don’t have to feel completely alone.

I’m not saying tell every person you meet your troubles and hardships. I’m saying have someone you trust and feel safe with to share the worst parts of your life with. I share in this blog, but I share the horribly painful and specific details with very few. Honestly, I’m not sure many could handle what’s in my head.

But writing is helpful. Today it’s my bacon socks. Tomorrow my bacon socks may be something bigger! I got a tattoo a week ago-that day, the tattoo was my bacon socks. Some days getting out of bed is my bacon socks. What is your bacon socks??

Life is unpredictable, sometimes scary, sometimes painful, sometimes beautiful, sometimes inspiring, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes…We can wallow in our losses and gains or we can take each day by the bacon. Kiss the kiss, hug the hug, drink the drink, and jump the jump! Find and wear your bacon socks!

This is for the babies, for the survivors, for the grieving, for the heartbroken, for you. Let me know if you need bacon socks!

This is another blog that started one way and ended up completely different.

I’ve been accused a few times (okay, a lot) of “needing to be in control” or “being controlling.” However, this accusation was made recently by someone I care about (I’ll be protecting this one). So, because I’m receptive to “critical feedback” I’ve been working this angle for a few days and believe I’ve had some clarity that may explain a different perspective when it comes to someone we “perceive” as “controlling.”

Let’s start with how many times a man has complimented my directness, my intelligence, (which is “sexy” says “buzz light year”) and mostly, my confidence. This combination of personality has and is a staple in the beginning of almost every interaction I have with people that has resulted in a conversation where most women have stated how they “wish they had an ounce of the confidence” I have. BUT.

This confidence is only seen as confidence until it challenges someone’s own securities or rather an insecurities . Once a person who loves the confidence begins to feel those crappy and yucky feelings that make them feel uncomfortable they no longer see confidence, they see “controlling and manipulation.” These feelings are generally brought on by me just asking questions or setting personal limits and boundaries.

For example, during a great conversation and back and forth banter, they may begin to feel a tinge of that feeling “hope” which turns to “fear” which turns to “shutting the fuck down.” Because hope means “possibility” which, for some people this has lead to destruction and suffering. Which I totally get. This is not control. “Buzz” told me “most men are intimidated by strong and intelligent women.” Oh the blame I could place…

So my first reaction to being told I was “controlling” was shock. When I hear someone is controlling I think “abuser.” So I conducted some research. Ok. I can be controlling. In three areas I have issues with control-safety/security, trust, and being vulnerable. As a result, I will “guide” (just kidding, I’ll manipulate) processes along to ultimately feel safe. There are also times when my “caring” looks like controlling. Maybe when I try to take care of those details that are a pain for most people, or send whiskey to your balcony when on vacation.

Hook said I was controlling. That sucked. But he’d know. He has some of those tendencies too. He followed up saying I’m “not overbearing,” but it doesn’t matter. It’s out there and now I have even more shit to fix. I’m going to have to take a step back and look at my interpersonal relationships with other humans. Ugh. Grownuping sucks. Set some limits and just watch and listen. I don’t have to always ask questions.

To that point-out of fifteen areas of control that I looked at, the three areas I struggle with directly relate to trauma. Which, means those yucky things like feelings effect me too. So when I tell you I’m putting myself out there (being vulnerable), and you don’t respect it, those previous exclusions noted from above are introduced. Sarcasm with a hint of vague but believable threat (my grandmas recipe).

I will set boundaries for myself and will not be manipulated into shit I don’t want to do or settle for mind games you want to play because of your said insecurities. I will walk away. (Even though I’d prefer to punch you in the throat) You can call me a bitch or a manipulator, I don’t care. I know me. My humans know my heart. You are afraid and you will lose. Every. Damn. Time.

How about you? Are you an “A Type” that must have things a certain way that things need to be done? Are you someone who needs to feel in control due to a chaotic childhood or have a trauma that reminds you how you need to have control over certain situations? How about those that are unable to trust someone to do the job “just right?”

My advice to anyone who is given this feedback-look at the possibility. Everyone has control issues on some level. EVERYONE. I give whiskey to people. Why? Think about it…they need it! I try to give people what they need. Maybe not what they want, but most of the time what they need. I will not be doing that so much in the future. Something to think about…

A special thanks to the guy who called me out on my shit. Keep doing it please.

I was going to go a very different direction with this blog. But I was triggered (in a very passionate and agenda sort of way) when I was looking at my Facebook messages and saw I was tagged in a post. The second tag for “rage.”

Let’s define rage shall we?

rage

noun\ ˈrāj   \

Definition of rage

(Entry 1 of 2)1a: violent and uncontrolled angerb: a fit of violent wrathcarchaic : INSANITY2: violent action (as of wind or sea)3: an intense feeling : PASSION4: a fad pursued with intense enthusiasm

Now let’s break down how it may appear that I have rage. We can’t. You know why? Because I’m in control and I’m not violent. I shoot targets to defend myself or loved ones if I AM the being attacked. I punch and kick and take self-defense classes to defend myself and loved ones, in case of an attack. I have control over my actions. Rage is an emotion that garners so much intensity, when experienced, people lose control over their actions.

I choose my actions. I say no when I want and I say yes when I want. I was in Nashville the past two or so days. I had every opportunity to demonstrate risky behaviors. Several guys was fascinated with the stories about Whiskey Momma and the shit I’ve done in my professional and personal life. I was asked to return to hotel rooms. I chose not to. Not because I’m a saint, but because I have discipline and I’m fully aware of the significant consequences of my actions. Does this sound like rage?

I also sat by a Braves fan who was with his seventeen year old daughter who taunted me (humorously) because I’m a Cardinals fan. I didn’t react in ways I’ve observed two guy friends react to one another over something that stupid. By the way-his daughter “Mulan” was visiting a school in Nashville the next morning. She told me she was gay, we talked about relationships and ways to be safe. She shared pictures and we are friends on Instagram now. Still no rage.

My darling ex received a standing ovation of anger when I discovered how dysfunctional and disintegrated our relationship had become, however, rage was not a part of the interaction. Was I angry, absolutely! Was I hurt, fuck yeah! Do I still get hurt and angry with the dumb shit that happens, duh! Again, controlled thoughts and actions, which lead to leveling out emotions.

I have an outlet or thirty that helps me manage my shit. I have people (I have wonderful humans), places (gym, 102 Tap House), and things (books, research journals, laughing, hot baths). I yell, complain, and cry with my humans I trust and confide in. I have new humans that try so hard to keep up, but I know I’m a shit show. They are still here and probably just as scared as I am. Discipline and support keeps us on point. (Most of the time)

I am a loving and passionate human fucking being who cares more than I probably should. I asked “Hook” how he can care about someone and not form an emotional attachment (one, I want to be able to do it, two, I think he’s full of shit). He said some nice words but still didn’t explain how it could be done. I have researched this so hard, and I’m pretty sure unless you do not have a conscience, it can’t be done. If you care for someone the emotion is already there; the emotion is “care.”

So, the next step is to distance self from others problems (not all of them, don’t be cruel). Hook explained the thoughts he tells himself to manage those limits. They’re good, typical for the helper profession like me(Sure wish I’d follow them more) but…so we distance or “push people away and build walls.” As the walls start rising, who are we hurting? Is that perceived as rage? Nope. It’s a defense mechanism.

Maybe, just maybe, people are genuinely scared to feel and be honest with themselves. I know I still suffer from this disease at times. For example, I obviously have some “rage” or “passion” because I changed my blog and immediately wrote this one as a result of someone tagging me in a rage post (TWICE). But, I’m disciplined enough to know to be kind and in control of my words. (Which is so much easier on paper)

I also know I’m not diluting myself with false hope and other bullshit to get me through the day. I’m me. Real AF. You take me or don’t. I don’t care. But don’t think for a second I won’t call you out on your shit, and not expect you to do the same in return. (Thank you Ariel) Its my humans that help me grow. It’s my humans that challenge my bullshit and accept my response when I tell them to fuck off or distance myself for a minute.

I control me. Not my fears, not my hormones, and certainly not my rage. Or men….I feel like that might be something sage and wise to add. Who or what controls you? Is it stability, a sense of security, belongingness?? Whatever you allow to control you, will. However, you are still actively CHOOSING NOT to do something about it. It takes one tiny seed to grow and change. Find your seed.

Thank you to everyone who inspires me to write this shit out. Thank you to those who process my life with me. Especially, the enablers, the challengers, and the cool cats that I punch shit with after having some whiskey.

A super special shout out to 102 Tap House. Jake and the crew always take care of me and I’m glad Brian and Joan brought this lovely pizza and brew haven to our community!!

😘😘

I recently read an article about Nelson Mandela. He talked about the many years he spent, naked, sleeping on wet concrete floors while in prison. He talked about being “freed from prison” although he spent many many more years in prison. When I read this article I internalized his message being he was able to let go of his anger and other emotions that reinforced or justified his hatred and negativity towards his captors.

Using that message and interpretation, I process and view my interpersonal relationships and perspectives on my views of the world. More specifically, what will my next steps moving forward in what I want in a relationship. Relationships are not limited to a romantic partner, they also include my friendships and familial.

I consistently talk about how we put ourselves into a box, or try to fit a mold based on someone else’s expectations. I can use a recent example of how as a woman, it feels and seems that I’m placed into a role or a particular mold based on others‘ experience. For example, if someone experienced a woman that was deceptive, hurtful, and manipulative…guess what? I am automatically placed into that role until I prove myself to this person.

Is this true or false? Guess what, it doesn’t fucking matter. It’s my perception, which makes it my reality in “the moment.” After thinking about this a great deal, I realize that it doesn’t fucking matter. I live in a world where others attempt to dictate my thoughts and emotions based on their fears and limitations, NOT MINE. They are sensitive to my success. They are sensitive to change or fear being in second place or worse being replaced.

To be fair, these are common human behaviors that I have learned are not only being tolerated in the relationship realm, but in the workforce. Women are expected to carry on the human race, but god fucking forbid they act like they have children. Or worse, we should be born with a penis too, just to give us a level playing field with committee and board members. BTW-I have been told if I had a penis, some of my problems I had in the last would never have been an issue.

Either way, we put a box around ourselves and declared the space our limitations. No one seems to go outside that prison and NO ONE can get through. Small and simple based on a fucking fear we refuse to address based on core beliefs and justifications we refuse to fucking challenge.

Hooks recommendation is to not become emotionally invested. How the fuck can I possibly do that? I’m a therapist and a helper. Can you imagine a therapist who doesn’t have a level of emotional investment with the persons they help? Well I’m going to try like hell to be this person. Emotional pain is not a comfortable feeling and I wish to avoid it like the plague. I tried. It hurts. I hate it.

Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. But not today. Not today. Today I wrote in hopes and in effort to educate and empower not only myself, but those who relate and are deeply affected and are being inflicted by their suffering. Also-I’m challenging my limits and I challenge all of you to do the same. Stick a tiny toe outside your box…

The past few months have been very interesting. I have spent time with people that have somehow penetrated “THE” wall that few have rarely been able to accomplish. I have many people in my life and that I spend time with and I relate to on many levels, however, becoming emotionally involved with someone takes significant commitment.

When I was asked how this happened, initially I laughed it off and flippantly considered what may have lead up to this change. On a night when I should have been more focused on working, my subconscious was quietly rolling the question around the roulette table in my head. After considerable sleep disruption at 11:46pm, 1:24am, 3:57am…and ultimately waking and staying awake at 5:00am, I think I have identified some fundamental bricks that make the layers of my friendships.

I’ll start by explaining I was recently in a training and had to complete a genogram type project indicating who I’m especially close to and who I have in outer rings or boxes depending on the type of relationship. I sat there and stared at this project and became, along with a colleague, that is a longtime friend(“Tiana”) a little troubled with what we had designed. We texted one another from across the room and shared our concerns and sadness for how limited our circles were.

Initially, to me this meant I have a glaring trust issue. My argument was sound in defense of my circle, and I had every reason for having the wall up and not allow anyone to penetrate (I love this word apparently)it. This justification was reinforced further by telling myself “I’m happy with my friends and family, and I don’t need anyone else squeezing into my emotionally vulnerable zone.”

This worked until reality set in and I really processed the sadness I felt looking at the circles. Tiana and I told ourselves the reasons/excuses/bullshit of why our circle remains small i.e. “how we grew up,” “how we’ve been treated,” and blah, blah, blah…but we are lying to ourselves. So hard. So bad.

One of the interesting parts of the timeline for this new information being thrown at me and essentially mindfuck me is I am in a deadly line of fire with new found friend possibilities. New opportunities to create genuine and intimate friendships. But first, how do I know who is the “real deal” and who is “outer ring” material? Hmmmm…should there be an application process? Background checks? How does this shit work out in my favor??

This amazing process felt and continues to feel natural, almost like I’ve done it my entire life. I’m not saying I do this with every person I meet. I have determined a process of who gets to have this relationship with me based on “where I may be that day.” If I’m having a bad day or a bad moment, I’m not in a place to feel empathetic because I have to process my day. I will make time for someone in crisis, however, I compartmentalize the persons story so I don’t absorb all the emotions and I’m able to help them through the crisis.

Oh Krissy! There ya go again over analyzing and getting into your head. The first thing I did, is just listen. Just listen and let them tell me who they are by asking clarifying questions when they tell me their stories. I didn’t think about what I was going to say next when they were speaking. I felt empathetic for their sorrows and grief, I felt joyful when they shared their happy stories, and when they were angry, I was angry with them.

The question posed by this person who made me lose sleep…”how is the big wall penetrated?” A person must be able to or is:

* To consistently demonstrate genuine integrity (Avoids lying, criminal activity (except speeding, there’s a club I’ve started for that), and no cheating (unless it’s cards or a board game).

* An independent thinker…

* Can calmly agree to disagree, after listening to multiple perspectives

* Must be funny, I cannot carry the show, I mean I could, but it’s funner with more than one funny person

* Is nonjudgmental, but can give critical feedback

* Is selfless (I find many don’t it make past this mark) I’m not saying you can’t care for and about yourself. But I prefer the person who’d give their shirt off their backs and not have the need to tell everyone about it…besides, you’re shirtless, you should be grabbing another shirt not talking about it on Facebook/Twitter/instagram

* A person who can sit back and not have to say anything. They just sit there, look at me, and we know. We just know.

* Is able to enjoy and like different things than I do. I’m a Gemini and I get bored with all my stuff and want new and different! Bring your A-Game!

* MUST have Sarcasm Skills- This is a big one. You can’t just be sarcastic, you have to bring your skills of knowing “who, what, when, where, why, and always the HOW.” It can’t be hate related, unless it’s your ex, kids and animals are absolutely off limits! Unless your kid is a real asshole!

* Must be humble (another one folks will struggle with) there are lots of folks who have suffering egos that feel entitled to be assholes because of one reason or another. I don’t care who you are. If you’re an asshole who thinks you’re better than everyone else because of your god or hero complex- go find a mirror and have fun, leave me the fuck alone. I don’t care to talk to you beyond niceties.

* You MUST be LOYAL! I know this seems to speak for itself, but, let’s just clarify this term for a minute. Loyal- “giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution.” This can be interpreted in different ways by different people based on their need. For me it means: Firm-when I’m being ridiculous and over emotional-call me on that shit with a glass of whiskey or wine…constant-no matter how far apart or how long its been since we’ve talked, when shit his the proverbial fan you reach out, with whiskey or wine…and finally allegiance- you better not talk out both sides of your mouth about me or anyone else. I always find out. If my ex wants to hug you, you better walk away.

What are your check marks for creating friendships or beginning new romantic relationships? Do you use the same check marks?…I believe you might want to consider this as a possibility. Friendships can create healthy foundations for romantic relationships. But, I caution you to go into a friendship with one sided knowledge of it leading to romance. Be honest with the person you are creating any relationship with, otherwise you aren’t being honest with yourself.

Before you begin any new relationship, explore where you are with your relationship with yourself. Do you like and love yourself? If you can’t say yes to either liking or loving yourself, you may want to consider talking to someone about this. Having self-worth and being able to identify your personal value is a vital ingredient to having healthy relationships.

If one person struggles in this area, the relationship can become unbalanced and can lead to resentment and the person seeking other ways to feel validation and fill a void. If both people struggle in this area the relationship is unhealthy from the start and can become dangerous. Talk to someone if it becomes dangerous. Talk to me! I can point you towards a resource.

I wish I had known more about relationships before I got myself into unhealthy ones…hindsight and such. I will try to use this moving forward and hope my heart paces itself with my brain. So if you’re my friend remind me of my markers!

One thing I love about my friends and family is their unending generosity. This doesn’t mean they are rich and write checks, it means when someone is in need they lend a hand, a dollar, clothes, food, shelter, and emotional support. Period. No questions asked. We just do it.

In the spirit of being supportive, Whiskey Momma will be looking for those who could benefit from a Random Act of Whiskey. Due to legalities there are some limits.

1) Must be 21

2) Must like whiskey

3) Needs encouragement

4) is getting fucked over

I have recently experienced a series of people criticizIng (at least that’s what it felt and sometimes feels like) different aspects of the separation/divorce and some people have input on how I live my life.

I have been told that people are “worried” and believe that “I am not talking about” what is happening in my life, which translates to “not dealing with,” “being self-destructive,” or even “not focusing on” my responsibilities.

At least one person has said I “haven’t opened up to them,” which this is correct. However, opening up to someone doesn’t mean that I am not talking about it someone who is helping, it simply means I am not opening up with you. I realize this may be hurtful and will address why later in the blog.

From my perspective, there are people who are sincere and want to help. The person noted above, is that person. Unfortunately, not everyone falls into that category. There are those who do care, however, they are also very critical (although they may not be aware of this) and at times, can be unforgiving. They have some experience with divorce and want to offer feedback, however, sometimes-unsolicited advice is not helpful.

I also have to deal with those who want details for gossip purposes. I HATE GOSSIP. I HATE DRAMA. You will not be in my life. If I talk to you about my life, it means that I either know what I may tell you will be discussed (sometimes this is a strategy) or I trust you implicitly to not judge, to question in a supportive and no bullshit way, and I value your opinion based on your life experiences.

Divorce is a private loss for me that, even if it isn’t you who I am talking to, it is being discussed with those who can be the most helpful during whatever phase the divorce may be in…

What does this mean for you??? Maybe you are asking and questioning our relationship, or maybe you’re mad or hurt because you don’t feel like I’m letting you in. The truth is, if you are in my life and have loved and cared for my family in any capacity, you are grieving or even angry. You may be grieving for me and the littles, or for the dear ex. Or you may be angry for what is happening…

This is on you…you will have to figure out your relationship with him. Will you learn to forgive as I have, or will you hold a grudge? Either way, should you interact with him in a way that causes him stress, this causes me stress and I have to deal with the aftermath. I know some of you are thinking, “why the fuck does she care.” Wait for it…

Because, although we are divorcing, we have TWO responsibilities that need two thriving parents. Sure kids can “survive a bad marriage and divorce” however, wouldn’t they be better to have both parents who can successfully work through the demise of a marriage and be good co-parents??? Hmmm. The answer is YES.

I have worked with hundreds of people who are the product of broken homes, some of which, their parents were really shitty and focused on themselves during the break up of their marriage. UGH! I won’t be that parent. It is our responsibility for them to be good citizens. I will do the best I can, and then it’s on them. Seeing their parents suffer may be a part of their lives, but will not be a way of life for them. They will learn to persevere through hard times and learn to be better because of their adversities because they saw mom do it.

Life is not always easy (it never has been and never will be), and learning to communicate better than before the separation/divorce is so fucking hard. I scream, I rant, I complain, I kick, I punch, I work, I sing, I play, and I love. I love all who care and want to support. The love and support is overwhelming. One day I may feel worthy of such love…but today, I just need to do this one day at a time and with the people I may need on that day. I am busy. I am working, running with the kids stuff, and taking care of my mental well being better than I ever have before.

Divorce is yucky and has so much involved, please remember that it is also the death of one relationship, and if kids are involved, being forced into another relationship that most people are not taught how to navigate. There isn’t a book or manual…there’s only blind faith.

My last blog came from an approach of the heart that shuts down when it is “crushed.” This entry will focus on different self-destructive behaviors that mostly women exhibit when they suffer the loss of a breakup. It should be noted there are men who also exhibit these behaviors and will be as destructive.

As a reminder, there are many who are hurt from various types and combinations of abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, emotional) that may occur in a relationship. My goal is not to trigger or shame them for their decisions to stay, if that’s the choice they felt they had to make, but to reflect on their patterns of choices they made and self destructive behaviors that may have ultimately effected more than just themselves.

When we finished the last blog we discussed men who shut down from heartbreak and often after they experienced this trauma they do not return to the “love” scene, but will play the “sex” scene. Meaning, they’ll have sex with multiple partners and avoid intimacy.

I was skeptical that this was a real possibility (even though there are movies that are made about this, i.e. “Playing It Cool”). But I’ll be damned if I didn’t see it “live in living color.” A special thunder cat I know, has told me many times he is open and honest about his intentions of being “only friends” and having “sex with no intimacy or feelings.” He has shared they become smitten(my words, not his-his were more graphic) and will stick around even when he tries to push them away.

Why doesn’t he just tell them to kick rocks you ask…supposedly he’s too nice. Which, he is, but…now hear me out for a second, he is having a sexual need met by a “non-intimate” partner is who obsessed with him, he has the control, and he doesn’t have to worry about his heart being broken. Win-Win, right? Um, NO!

Who is losing ladies?? He made his choice, no relationship, just sex! She wants love, romance, flowers, and heart shaped Jell-O shots. I met her…trust me, she’s more likely into Jell-O shots than Godiva chocolate. Anyway, I seen the desperation on her face as he completely ignored her for his phone. She was trying to play this role of “girlfriend” but no one was hiring for the part.

When I asked if my observations were accurate, my hypothesis was indeed accurate. Although, there is some relief that my observation skills are still top notch, I feel so sorry for this person. Why? Has anyone ever explained or taught her to value herself? What went wrong? Was it her previous relationships? Was it her low self esteem that allows her to settle for meager scraps of attention reinforced by intermittent engagements of gratifying sexual pleasure?

Unfortunately, I won’t know the answers of her “whys.” But I know the answers to some of our followers “whys.” “Ariel” has shared that her spouse was and still continues to be on some level, quite abusive.” Therefore, after their marriage ended she dated one or two times, but realized how traumatized she was by her marriage and divorce, she ultimately set up a measuring stick of requirements.

They are still in effect and she follows them to ensure her safety, mental well-being, and overall parenting style. The measures are not unreasonable however, as I’ve learned, matching ages with life experience often equals that those partners also have trauma. “Ariel” is satisfied with her checkmark system, and honestly, making sure there are commonalities in interests and parenting styles are on my list of requirements too.

Swinging back to the former woman I observed, I think it’s important to identify some serious consequences for accepting a “bread crumb” relationship. Remember a “bread crumb” relationship is a relationship in which you get attention depending on who benefits from the engagement (the person who usually benefits the most is the person offering the morsel).

The consequences of such a relationship are not limited to the following:

* One of the biggest reason is, when you have sex with this person and it is pleasurable, you reinforce the acceptance of negative behaviors. Think of this, Pavlov: Bell, Salivate, treat (maybe)…only for you it’s: Text/call, excitement/arousal/hope, attention/bootycall/Orgasm(maybe)

* If you have children they see this behavior. Oh, you hide it??? No you don’t. Unless your children are never around, they see it. You are teaching your daughter to accept this behavior as a standard and may have similar relationships. You are teaching your son that this is the way women are treated in a relationship. STOP!!!

* Overtime your self-esteem will deteriorate and you will continue to settle for partners that do not respect you or value you. In addition, you may not recognize a healthy relationship when one comes along!

* If you are in this type of relationship, you most likely have poor coping skills, i.e. excessive drinking, drugs, not just illegal ones, the over the counter and prescriptions that address anxiety and depression.

How insignificant do you think a person feels to live in a world where this type of connection works for them? What can people in these relationships do to change their patterns, make a different choice. Choose to not chase the guy who chooses to not chase you! Talk to someone about your negative beliefs about your self worth and low self esteem.

Ultimately, there is a significant risk for the person who chooses to stay in this type of relationship and has hopes for happiness, unfortunately, the risks outweigh the real possibility for long term happiness. I haven’t experienced the extreme version of this relationship, but I have been used and lead into a direction that I believed and told myself that “he will change,” and “if I do” blah, blah, blah…never again.

Make your own destiny. Choose you, choose to be a great parent, choose to do something different than being in in a “bread crumb” relationship.

I’m going to slip in one last line…if you want to break the cycle, don’t reinforce it with sex.