Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when you were friends or spent time with another person by association, and the person created unnecessary chaos or drama? Of course you have. I’m going to lay down some super bullshit I’ve been through, along with some of my other gals. We are gonna sort out the perspectives we can and go from there.
I’m going to try to be generic “ish” but this topic has me hot this past few weeks. Not just for me but for my humans. Tactics have ranged from subtle manipulation to blatant lies and create differences of inclusivity to exclusivity. Men and women are equally to blame in the scenarios I’m going to describe; with that said, it does seem that women appear to be more culpable for this type of behavior than men do.
Scenario one: the hot sister-in-law versus the insecure wife. One is made to feel guilty for being confident to wear clothes that may expose skin (gasp) to the point she’s asked or discouraged from wearing said confident boosters. Comments from the insecure are made insinuating her efforts to be “too skinny and making the insecure look bigger.” Funny how booze makes people feel confident to say criticisms but not dress more confidently. In addition, efforts to diminish risks of interpersonal interactions between sister in law and hubby invitations aren’t extended to all, tension is created and if they question the culpable party, then they become the victim versus the aggressor.
Scenario two: the friend who has the best advice, (not really) but doesn’t take it themselves, especially since they’re the one who is creating the chaos friends may need advice for (sometimes, not all). This friend is a pal and is generally super fun. When the moon and the planets are perfectly aligned in their world and they’re happy, then all is well. However, when their world is slightly off kilter, they lose their sense of control and when they feel powerlessness in their personal, home, or professional life their next circle of people often suffer the consequences, i.e. they project their problems onto other persons and create chaos for the person. Then “thankfully” give “great” advice to “fix” the persons problem. By advice I mean “tell them what to do” and if the person follows the advice even more chaos ensues.
Scenario three (the most common): the work “friend.” This is the worst one folks. The friend who is there all the time, helps cover for you if you’re running behind on an assignment, gives you advice when they know you need to talk, then BAM! They’re the “friend” who has taken every secret (if you can call it a secret) or piece of personal information you shared in confidence to manipulate, scheme, and bastardize any reality to seek personal gain.
In my opinion scenario three is one of the worst because it creates an unsafe and hostile work environment. We spend hours at work and most of the time we eat two of our daily meals there, so a safe space is especially ideal as healthy digestion is important…I digress. So we spend several hours each day in what, at times turns into a cesspool of gossip, verbal abuse, bullying, isolation, loneliness, and we often stay on a heightened sense of alert, which creates a brain pathway and yep, PTSD. Don’t forget the being overworked and underpaid part!
All of the scenarios are created by insecure humans (not the word I want to use) who can’t figure out how to handle basic life problems. I have experienced each one of these scenarios and I have experienced a combination of the scenarios. Like those who I am the very closest to, they have experienced these bullying platforms singularly and in combination. The most hurtful incidents are when family is involved.
Other than someone being insecure or jealous there are many things one can tell themselves to justify this type of behavior. But basically they’ve convinced themselves this is reality. They have demonstrated a pattern of this behavior and convinced themselves that they are “surviving,” “helping,” or “they are owed.” They have been harmed or put out and it was “not okay.” So they attack back.
How do we survive this person? We can try to avoid them when it’s possible. Confront the behaviors when and if the person is receptive and there is enough support for you to fall back on if it implodes (this will not work on the job unless HR is involved) Lastly (at least for this blog), we can always default to being kind and quiet even though we want to face punch them. The latter is the one I believe is most effective if you have the skills!
Regardless of who you are, you have certainly experienced this type of behavior because we do not live in bubbles. For the sake of ones integrity I hope you can find a balance of action and inaction to manage these relationships or interactions and learn to coexist with them. No single personality is safe. From those who are sweet and kind to the assertive strong personalities (me apparently) we can all be targets for this harmful behavior.
Developing skills to practice self-care are key. Me personally, right now, I’m enjoying a beautiful cup of coffee with Stranahans whiskey. Beautifully smooth!
Be safe, send love and kindness into the world. Don’t be a shitty human.
~WM~
Whiskey Momma 