So much has happened since February of 2020. Really so much has happened since the separation of a life of lies. Since I have had to face a new reality since mid 2019, I don’t recognize my life…for the most part I am living my best life, but the losses of 2020 have hit me and my loved ones right in the gut. Which makes my head absolutely swim in confusion and at times, fear of more loss.
The life of lies I had was plagued with distractions, avoidance, and purchases that only deflected unhappiness and deceptions. The struggle to be happy when happiness was not an equation in the formula was exhausting. I have since found genuine happiness and satisfaction with myself…everyone else in my world is a grand bonus.
Fast forward to the present day and my struggles (with the exception of losing loved ones) are completely different and very welcome. I have the usual little people problems, i.e. temper fits, and until someone turns seven or eight, there is a bit of selfishness and self-centered perspectives. But, the big changes are respect, honesty, gratitude, routine, love, structure, acceptance, and this calming sense of feeling safe. Which is only disrupted by the chaos of insecurity, doubt, and instability by outside parties.
I don’t recognize the emotion of someone being sincere, without underlying motives. I don’t recognize the lack of expectations of some arbitrary behavior I’m unaware I am or should be doing…or when I am encouraged to do something for myself, that there is an expectation of quid pro quo by the other party. I don’t recognize someone doing something kind for me, and not expect something bigger and grander in return.
So my life is unrecognizable as I am not a party to my past anymore. My life is paired with fine bourbons, Scotch’s, and whiskeys; and even more recently, a lovely cognac. Someone pours me a drink, only to see my reaction to the nose and notes of my drink, as well as the digest of flavors and guess possible processing combinations; AND if I want to eat a candy bar or cookie with it, he joins me lovingly. (But who wouldn’t want to eat a Girl Scout cookie with a lovely hundred proof?)
In my present life, reading Kierkegaard is foreplay, and crops aren’t just for fields…or human consumption. In my present life I have joy amid extreme sorrow and pain. In my present life, I do not need a light at the end of the tunnel because light is always present. In my present life I do not need an out or a backup plan. I don’t have to justify or explain away my thoughts or decisions. I am accepted without judgment. I don’t recognize my life…
This blog is paired with a really nice Makers 46 that was created by The Liquor Store of Jackson Hole.
As a side note, I stole the line “I don’t recognize my life” from my sweet human. It was inspiring to process the fact that Im not alone with the happy struggle with accepting my new life…
Whiskey Momma 