NO ONE wants to look at their soon to be ex (unless the parasite is thinking they can manipulate the host into thinking they are still worth it) let alone have to communicate or be forced to have a conversation beyond basic interactions. Seriously. Sign the papers and leave me alone. BUT. WAIT.
There is a vital need to keep dialogue open during the separation process, especially when parenting plans and schedules are a required agenda item to discuss. IF all goes smoothly, then everyone can focus on healing and moving forward.
But what happens when the soon to be ex has a personality problem that magically seems to have appeared at the start of the divorce? Well, sorry folks. That personality problem has been there for a really long time and you’ve allowed for their behavior to exist and thrive without addressing it, and the time has come to pay the piper.
Unfortunately, the piper comes the same time you’re trying to heal, figure out meaning in your life, and if kids are a part of the mess, protect them from further damage and provide an imaginary normalcy that leads to a new normal.
Here are some helpful, and proven to be successful tips when dealing with a difficult ex… Just remember buttons will attempt to be pushed so be ready to repeat some of the steps noted below.
- If they start making personal statements of any kind towards you by ways of being demeaning/attacking you, talking about your personal life, your parenting skills (other than positive) set boundaries by stating that you do not wish to engage in further conversations if you cannot stay on topic. Then STICK to the statement. Do NOT be wishy-washy.
- Let the ex know clearly, that all matters related to the separation of stuff and the divorce will be handled in court by your attorney. Again-do not be drawn into a text or verbal conversation with this person. They know you, they know how to engage you and keep you engaged.
- As for the kids-same thing. Stick to scheduling topics and only use facts. Do not tell the ex what the kids tell you unless there is a report of illegal activities or you can clearly identify a decline or deterioration of the child’s well being. TALK to your attorney. Get the child counseling. DO not make up any abuse or alleged illegal behaviors to suit your cause. This will cause irreparable harm to all involved.
- DO NOT make your agenda about causing your ex mental anguish, harm, or punishment. Although most may deny this, the separation and pending divorce is hurting them. DO NOT show outward happiness that they are suffering.
- If all else fails in any of the small steps noted above, or if you begin to feel a rise in emotions and the urge to argue-disengage. Find a viable reason to walk away to give yourself a timeout.
There are lots of separated pairs that seek retribution for the perceived wrongs that have been committed upon them. Maybe this is owed to you, maybe not. If you are in a situation in which you claim to be completely surprised by a separation or divorce your circumstances are usually very rare if there were not clear signs that your relationship had problems.
Whatever your situation personality disorders are sometimes cleverly packaged into the “they’ll make the perfect spouse” option because you made them fit into it. We seen the signs however, we justified ignoring them. That is our fault. But now we must move forward no matter how they try to blame us or make the situation worse by attacking mental health, how one may use recreational/social time, or any other part of your life that doesn’t not pertain to them.
To be able to move forward you just use the boundaries noted above. Social media and other social attacks are not healthy for littles involved, and although you may believe you are justified in doing this, you are NOT. I have worked with many families through attorneys and the courts to address the break down of relationships with noncustodial parents and their offspring, only to learn that the custodial parent (often times the step parents too) have belittled, name called, and knowingly destroyed or damaged their child’s positive beliefs of the noncustodial parent.
I will call this out every time. The only time I will support educating a child of their noncustodial parent’s behavior is related to abuse or neglect. Parents should never use their children as leverage or as a tool to create or inflict psychological damage. This hurts EVERYONE.
Communication is the number one problem in our world. Everyone wants to talk, very few want to listen. Everyone has the right answers, very few can take perspective. “I FEEL” does not equate to “FACTS.” No matter how strong your feelings are, it does not mean it’s true.
As always, take care of your mental health…seek help if you have trouble managing this journey.
~WM~
Whiskey Momma 