Today (and at least once or twice an inferred comment has been made) I was asked if I was really that different in my past relationships and general life interactions, have I really been through a massive transformation of who I am and where I am today, or am I pretending to be different now. Unfortunately, the answer is not simple, yet, it’s not that complicated.The answer is YES and NO.
What does this mean you ask? The answer is- after you experience a significant childhood trauma, trust is not something that comes easy. Add a splash of being unable to cultivate friendships longer than a week (due traveling from town to town) and mistrust of those in authority you have a great recipe for someone who can put on a show and play the part that is needed to appear “normal”(whatever TF that means)…and meet the responsibilities of societies expectations, as well as my own agenda to feel accepted and feel assimilated when I engaged with my peers.
It’s really code for, I hid who I really was due to fear and critical reception of those who make the rules…in my world, it was “the man” or the “girl that wore the nicest close.” It still is to an extent, but I’m able to manage this more due to my wisdom and life experience dealing with “the man” and the “bitches” in addition to having an outlet and the support to be the person I REALLY am, when I am able to show positive regard, being kind, setting VERY good and firm boundaries, and being very clear with who I am upfront (AKA, if you try to give/feed me shit, I’ll call you out).
But how did this change occur? My humans. Simple-my best and closest human, along with humans who know my struggles and suffering. Many conversations with the bestus bestie, Hook, and conversations with “Harry Potter” months ago that inspired and encouraged me to be the person I am supposed to be, to not hide my passion and my agenda and desire to help others. Harry’s own trials were systemic failures of society and too much power being yield by one person and his minions. But he came back with a vengeance and is now enjoying his fine Laphroaig 10 and reaping the rewards of being kind and compassionate.
Seeing Harry’s big “comeback”was inspiring and quite frankly, it pissed me off that he was able to be honest with who he was and although some bending occurred, he stayed true to who he was in character. (oddly enough, just like the real Harry Potter) Fast forward to when I found out I was going to be single and went out on that one date…I was done. I didn’t like and didn’t want to repeat the same pattern over and over and I knew I needed to get real and heal before I could ever consider being in another relationship.
That journey has been extremely frustrating. Again, I found myself being someone else (although to lesser and lesser extents) during interactions and in relationships (this is all people) with others. I questioned my motives, I questioned my fears, and I processed the shit out of them and general life problems. Not only did I NEED to do something different, I WANTED to do something different and be better. So-after some unwanted meditation and a discussion with the “little girl” (my five year old self) who trusted no one, I found out it was me that I really didn’t trust. I put myself in situations of mediocrity so many times, that I had become comfortable. This was bound to happen again…
That realization was a huge revelation and allowed me to explore and process what I wanted/needed to not return to mediocrity. Thus the creation of the “list.” My “Measuring Stick.” It’s not much and may be unspecific, but it is very important to my mental well being and what will reinforce my abilities to be in an open, honest, and sincere relationship with myself, others, and most importantly the one person who poses the best “isn’t it interesting” questions. I am a different person in so many ways. The biggest one is being able to be vulnerable. Being able to say, “Look world, this is my life, and this is what I want, and I AM NOT SETTLING.”
I can sit back and have a fresh and unbiased (when possible) set of eyes and an open heart in a world that generally doesn’t promote (not in a meaningful way at least) good mental health self-care, healthy and loving relationships (whatever that means for those persons), being supportive of others (except when there is something to be gained from another), and most of all the (new) golden rule of “minding your own business and avoid the judgement of others.”
So…simply put, I am different. I am stronger. I love more. I speak up more (in a different and more meaningful way). I stay quiet more. (I really do) I have zero problem with saying no. I have zero problem with saying yes. But I will only do so if I choose to do so…
But most importantly, I am willing to take risks and leap for what I want and I am willing and able to actually fall in love with someone that knows my worth beyond what I believe I may be worth, and it is real. Settling for mediocrity is not okay anymore. I’m not settling…~WM~
Whiskey Momma 