I was scheduled to fly out to Jackson today. I had visions of drinking a nice pour or two with my guy and watching the snow fall (this is code…). However because of COVID, I am sitting here, writing this blog. Also, because of COVID, I have known I wouldn’t be flying out for about two weeks now…FYI-knowing has not lessened my disappointment, it’s only weakened my anger (which is a complete waste of an emotion to feel right now.)
Find the lesson right? That’s what the great minds would say…hell, that’s what I have said. So todays lesson: feeling and having to learn new skills to help with coping and “dealing” (albeit not well at times) with the cards El Diablo has doled out. I have had to challenge SO many thoughts about this virus, the people who are gaining from the virus, the people who are dying from the virus, and the MANY others who are being traumatized by the question of when things will get back to normal.
I digress…this blog is not about the stupid virus, it’s about how vulnerable it has made me, making me more susceptible to feeling weak, insecure, and lonely. I mean, WTF there are only SO many people who tolerate my shenanigans and dark sense of humor. I am pouring my energy into house updates and little responsibilities, but I miss adults. I love a good fart conversation and repeating myself five-hundred times, but I am struggling.
Not being able to be with my adult humans is difficult. More significantly, I miss my main human and I have never felt more alone in my life! I was satisfied with the handful of peeps I spent my time with. Politics, policing, mommin’, legal eagles, and godly folk met my needs then…but now, I miss my genius. I miss the person who says-“bullshit” via “isn’t it interesting.” The guy who calls and FaceTimes like clockwork and makes me laugh so much I cry. The one human who gets me inside and out, builds me up like a superhero, and yet, allows me to be the most vulnerable with.
Until now…when being vulnerable so much leads to an irrational(maybe) fear/belief that having too many rollercoaster days of the week may lead to a “Dear John.” I am absolutely not alone with this fear/belief. What do we do with this when it raises it’s evil head? I really haven’t cared in the past…honestly, if someone took issue with me having feelings I was totally cool with that…but this human is definitely different.
I feel completely exposed and vulnerable to the consequences of having these past two weeks of a nightmare called being “furloughed.” Not working has created a loss of my identity, thus leading to some super fun feelings. Yeah, I have friends that are “there” when they aren’t dealing with their own crap, or they are bored and have nothing or nobody to do at the time (yeah, I know). But this is very uncharted waters for me. So I have to wrap my head around this and get a sense of what the lesson is I am supposed to learn.
I can speculate that I needed to complete projects that was supposed to be completed a LONG time ago, perhaps the independence of doing them without help (except from a few of my humans) is supposed to help build esteem and self worth and supposed to help build bank for a future self-esteem blow…maybe it’s all three. Who knows? Seriously, do you know why? Either way-it is leading me down a path of feeling feelings I have never felt and I am being forced to process a different vulnerability.
Just as I write this blog my guy messaged the sweetest message…it’s like he knew what I needed from eleven hundred miles away. I guess that’s one of the reasons why this journey of working through a crisis versus around the crisis is so important. I will learn about a different type of strength I possess, in addition to discovering a balance of feeling vulnerable and letting someone walk the journey with me…
Whiskey Momma 