I was talking to my human last night and the word “compromise” came up. Our conversations entail and are driven by our open communication/dialogue (we talk about everything that pops into our minds and out our mouths) and whatever expectations we may have-which there are very few expectations but we have lots of life and couple goals.
I feel I can speak for him and say we feel safe with one another and hard discussions are easier to have. The hardest conversations (for me) that we have had so far-how to make our schedules match up to see each other in person. (Thank god for technology.) We have the most interesting conversations (some may think not, but we don’t give AF) about protons, gravitational rotation, and dead isotopes. Aren’t you having all the feels right now?? I am.
However, last night the word compromise came up. It’s an interesting word that means different things to different people…what does that word mean to you? Maybe I can shed some light on the word. My guy said-“It’s amazing how we compromise ourselves in a relationship.” As a listener I caught the difference between “compromising in a relationship” and “compromising yourself in a relationship.”
Compromising in a relationship versus compromising oneself in a relationship has distinct differences. For example, I thought I would never allow someone to treat me in a way that makes me feel bad about myself or that I’m not important-however, I allowed this mistreatment and I’d discourage anyone else from allowing it. However, because I had little responsibilities I allowed this to be done to me. Which in turn-I did to myself and I compromised who I was and who I am.
Let’s break this down even more…was there any other choice I had given the information I had and the place I was with my Little’s? Maybe. Maybe not. I cannot and will not compromise my mental health by playing the “what if” game, however, moving forward I will not compromise me or who I am in any relationship, no matter who the relationship is with-friends, family, colleagues-and I know I won’t have to do this with my binary partner.
There are other ways people compromise themselves in a relationship. For example, when people change themselves to bend towards how they perceive the other person wants them to act in order to feel accepted, wanted, or to stay in a relationship. As previously blogged, Hook tried to be in a relationship and it didn’t fit. He tried to “let it go” and she fought it. Doing so made her appear weak, desperate, and frankly-pathetic.
She attempted to manipulate him in situations to appear to be a victim. I personally observed her exhibit passive aggressive behaviors in effort to keep this “fantasy” and unhealthy pursuit afloat. As a human and a woman, I know this is not how I’d want to be perceived by anyone.
If I were to be perceived this way (which I’m sure I have been) I would want someone to say “whiskey momma- you are amazing just the way you are. You don’t need any other human to validate you or measure your worth by their love for you.” I’d want them to tell me that the love I’m looking for starts from within and then encourage me find positive qualities to explore about myself.
It’s a lot easier to say you or I will do this than actually do it when or if the time comes to hold your head up high and believe in yourself. Especially if you haven’t seen a strong sense of self-confidence exhibited in your circle of trust. Which unfortunately, tends to be the case sometimes. This is where it’s helpful to have a friend like me to point out your strength and I’ll help carry you when you feel too weak to keep moving forward.
I’d like to point out that women are not the only ones to compromise themselves in relationships. Men are often abused emotionally and psychologically by their partners. Making your husband or boyfriend feel unimportant or unwanted can and has led to dangerous interactions or self-destructive behaviors in relationships. Compromising who they are…
I’ve written about men and how they’re scared to be hurt again in a relationship. This fear is a manifestation of how they’ve been treated in the past, and knowing only one way to not feel pain and suffering in the future-avoid it. Possibly missing out on what could be an amazing future with someone that was made for them. Compromising who they are…
I love that these conversations come up in my relationship with my humans. I love that it’s not just with my guy but with the strong circle I have that supports me and my endeavors. I appreciate them and the fact that I no longer have to compromise who I am to be complacent with a behavior to “keep someone close to me.” It’s complete bullshit and I don’t want you in my life if you expect anything more than who I am.
I love who inspired this topic initially, and I love that I can relate to this tragic behavior. I had so much support and guidance through my journey to my star and encourage a nice bottle of bourbon for this process (if applicable), but that’s just me…~WM~
Whiskey Momma 