Yep. It’s time to dig a little deeper…yes, I can definitely dig deeper. Especially with so much material. But first. I need to make some wrongs, right. When I started this particular blog it was after a conversation with one of my favorite humans. They described themselves as being “shallow” and gave a vague example of what this meant to them, however, what I heard was “what I wanted to hear.”
I was looking for a single shred of evidence to support a hypothesis (I’m a social scientist, it’s what I do, right?) I had about not just him, but others in his tribe. What tribe is this? It’s the “I’m gonna keep doing the same pattern of behavior over and over, and expect different results tribe.” As a scientist I didn’t follow the steps to validate the evidence, I just heard what I wanted or assumed I heard. Which created some issues. What?! I know. Guess who else is in that tribe?
I rolled the thought of this person being shallow around in my head processing over and over what it meant, not just to me, but also, how I could translate this into written word to help others understand. Little did I know I was about to get some schooling and mirroring of my own crap.
So let’s define shallow based on what we’ve been taught and the written definition. A shallow person is “someone who focuses on how much money a person has and their looks.” Guess what? We all have this on our check list. Deny it all you want-I tried. It’s true. We all have some level of what may be perceived as shallow views when looking for a partner and friends.
A follow up conversation and a few mini interactions later I gained significant insight into what he believed shallow was and how he used and had the conviction to use this perception as a filter for relationships. I don’t want to share too much for the protection of the innocent and it’s not the point of the blog however, He went on a “get together” for drinks and was blasted by “I need a husband Barbie” and her insistence to get into a relationship and how she was such a good woman-selling her points hard by demonstrating a desperate attempt to use beauty and sexuality as a tether to “land a big catch.”
We talked about how attractive outward appearances are important and ways they may not be important. However, if the first contact is in picture or face to face, physical attraction will be the catalyst. If it’s picture and written word, it maybe more about the content of the messages and the vulnerability of what is being shared that creates a more intense connections. Think of the messages as mini “love letters.” (Unless your intent is for a hook up only)
When directly confronted by someone who despises bullshit, especially, when they are lying to themselves to perpetuate a negative behavior pattern, the defensive tactic used was posed to me: “so if a one eyed man asked you out, would you go out with them?” Of course because I was trying to teach him a lesson my immediate response was absolutely however I cannot discount the possibility that this guy with one eye has other issues going on that I would find less attractive so maybe I wouldn’t maybe I wouldn’t go out with this guy. But, I wouldn’t let the fact that he has one eye be the reason why I wouldn’t go out with him.
Unfortunately, because of this question being posed I have surmised that my level of shallowness is as follows-Good hygiene is necessary. Because it’s important for me to be able to maintain and provide for my own family they have to have a job, I would prefer them to have a job that they love or at least they are passionate about. Sincere self confidence, with an ability to have insight to know when they need support and accept it. They must believe in God. Similar political beliefs are a plus, but at the very least not willing to condone bullying behaviors by our leaders or any other human. Can hold themselves accountable. If these shallow markers can be met…we might be able to be friends.
Notice looks (minus hygiene) and money (except they have to work and like their job) are not the focus. There’s obviously going to be other personality markers that either make me like the person or dislike the person that’s a basic marker for connectivity. But the listed above are my criteria just to get the foot in the door.
I’m going to close this blog by repeating some things that I have said over and over and over. 1- have those early conversations and be honest about what you like and dislike. 2-do not change who you are to bend to someone else. If you do that now it’s not real you’re going to get into a relationship under false pretense and you’re going to develop resentments and hostility because you’re not the person you are truly meant to be. 3-stop thinking that you need someone to be beside you in order to feel good about yourself find what makes you happy inside of you.
As always this blog is my process and not a fit for everyone. Should you find yourself having a negative reaction to the message, I encourage you to explore that within yourself. It’s written with sincerity and a real and genuine purpose. ~WM~
Whiskey Momma 