I debated on whether or not to write this blog. But then I thought about the shit that I’ve written about that is more meaningful than this topic. So after I decided to write about it I had to consider the motive behind writing about this blog topic. So the topic is going to be related to the incident, but I won’t reinforce the histrionic and manipulative behaviors behind the incident. Sound good? It doesn’t matter I’m doing it anyway.
I’m going to have to be really careful and stick with two points: how to identify manipulative behaviors in others, and when to keep your mouth shut. One I can do really well, the other…I’m applying learned skills almost daily. I’ll let you guys figure out which is which.
Negative manipulation can be seen over time and through a series of events, conversations, and through the persons actions. Behaviors can be subtle or they can be overt. In most cases, it takes a long period of intermittent interactions or a short period of intense interactions with these folks to recognize what may be happening, and even then, if they have any skills at all, you may believe that it’s you and not them, or it’s the other persons behavior that’s the problem and not theirs.
Some clues to whether or not someone may be manipulating you:
1. First and foremost, if I tell you something is a fact that I know 100% about a person manipulating you-they’re probably manipulating you for a personal gain that is nefarious.
2. Manipulative people will make you question your ability, confidence, and worth. If you don’t help them, there’s something wrong with you, not them.
3. Manipulative people rationalize their shit! If they are questioned about their alleged manipulative behaviors, a manipulator will make usually shift blame onto someone else, somehow making you feel bad for them. Usually, though, it is the manipulator who makes a big deal out of things and attacks.
4. Manipulators usually have no empathy for the people who have helped them and will even go so far as to attack those people, should they feel defensive or need to cover up one of their actions or deeds.
5. Those who manipulate will generally know that they have and are the problem, but make it out to seem like it is the world who is against them, rather than take responsibility for their actions.
6. A person that manipulates will target your vulnerabilities and emotional weaknesses so that they can use them to you to do just what they want you to do.
7. A person that manipulates will lie or distort the truth so that they always come out looking right. Such as-excuse making, withholding key information, understatements, exaggeration, or being two-faced.
8. A person that manipulates are well versed for always playing the role of victim (as noted on the WM Facebook page) and making themselves appear innocent. Usually, they will exaggerate or make up personal issues so that others feel sorry for them and sympathize with them.
Enough about those assholes. Lest we forget my real motive behind the blog. When to keep my, I mean your mouth shut. It depends really. I know for me after this experience, I don’t want to again. It was awful and I just don’t care to feel that way.
With that being said…if someone in my circle (which I’m happy to report is growing) appeared to be a target of a master manipulator (or like in the last case, just a user) I will speak up. As long as my motives are sincere I can sleep at night. If it backfires again I’ll evaluate what I could have done differently as move on.
Feeling bad isn’t the only reason for not opening our traps. If we want to hurt someone that is not ok. If we don’t have facts to support our statements that’s not ok. If the other party isn’t willing to take perspective, let it go. It’s not your job to force them to see a different viewpoint. You can try and maybe it’ll work. But don’t lose the sincerity, care, and concern you have for the person just to be seen as “right.”
The last thing I learned in this particular lesson is, I don’t care if the manipulator lies about what was said. If the person believes their truths then so be it. I will not lose my integrity, credibility, and self-discipline to get engrossed in a battle of “that’s what she said.” Say your peace, state your facts, let the person make their choices. They’re the only ones that have to live with the consequences.
I’d like to add that after this encounter I had a spectacular evening. If I ever thought it would’ve been so terrible to speak up, I’m not sure I would’ve. However, my nature is to call bullshit. I called it. Maybe next time I’ll deliver my meat and skip being a helper for an evening. ~WM~
Whiskey Momma 