I have been watching it happen and even tried to do it myself…trying to start entry level relationships before being in a healthy place to be in one. It’s amazing how we sometimes feel our way blindly through dates and being “okay” with spending time with people when we are not ready.
Maybe we are lonely and need validation. Maybe we need to know that it “wasn’t our fault” that the previous relationship ended. For me, this realization of being “not ready” came when I started feeling badly after spending time with the other people. Some of that stems from incompatibility, and some stems from not actually being ready to put myself back into a vulnerable position in which someone else has control over me or my feelings.
Mostly the latter…but I tried it and it didn’t work. I’ve given myself time to deal with, not avoid, not escape, but to actually work through my depression and other negative emotions and began to recognize I wasn’t ready to be a part of something besides healing and discovering who I really want to be without changing for someone. A part of that healing and self discovery was taking an inventory of each and every painful feeling I was experiencing and ride it out. It was hard and I required time to pick up the pieces and shed the skin i was still wearing. I still require time to take a step back an evaluate life day by day at times, but I can say it is so much easier.
Not unlike so many I felt like I was ridiculed and challenged by those who didn’t understand (or maybe they did, but don’t understand what it takes to heal) the power of strong negative emotions an empath can endure when dealing with their role in a helping profession, then being forced to dive into their own shit show after hours. I was told several times that “I was fine,” I was reminded of my “nice” stuff and “good job” and was actually asked and encouraged to just think of positive stuff to ignore the negative. It felt shaming by some that were supposed to be a safe place and and as a result I shut out those who genuinely care.
I’m lucky I have passed through to the other side of my negative emotions for now. But what happens to those who base their worth on another persons acceptance of them and never truly come to terms with their loss? Can they or will they ever be healthy enough to be in a relationship? Will their fate be hopping from nightstand to nightstand utilizing their third leg through the neighborhood, searching for happiness but only reinforcing their negative emotions through sexual conquests.
I have since worked through this recent episode by recognizing and being told I was building walls from my supporters. My people reassured me that they too felt and went through exactly what I was experiencing when they were going through similar experiences. I recently told a friend that I choose who I want and what I want now. I won’t be told to be somewhere or to change myself. (Unless of course someone says “go to the beach right now, yes sir!) I won’t settle for spending time with someone if I am not intellectually, emotionally, and obviously physically stimulated by. (That order)
I know that relationships are hard, they take effort, sacrifices of sort, and whether I like the word or not, they take commitment. With that being said, I love being in a relationship with myself and finding out what I want and getting strong to say, “NO.” The other part of this growth is stepping out of the anxiety pit and asking for what I want. I remember “Rex” telling me that “putting it out there and just saying what you want is the best way to get what you want, or let go of what you can’t have.” The man is brilliant. He made sense that night, however, this philosophy has made more and more sense as I have followed his advice.
I love my life. I love telling those charmers that they aren’t getting what everyone easily caves into for them…stroke your own beard baby. I also have zero problem having a good time with them with following those limits. If others take issue with that I’m good with that too. I won’t hide anymore. I wont be hurtful, but I won’t sit back and have a “dick” (gender neutral) tell me how to act. I won’t let myself change for anyone unless I want to grow with that person-read that again…GROW WITH THEM.
After a breakup, there is still a feeling of rejection, something fundamental, something that says we cannot be together as before. That’s a tough blow for anyone’s ego. When a breakup is unexpected or sudden, the rejection can be even more intense or traumatic. The rupture to one’s self-esteem, the end of one’s plans and hopes, and the reminder of one’s past sense of rejection or failure can all be devastating.
Take time to yourself…heal, use your support system, get the pain out, exercise (punching and kicking shit is my favorite), take time away from jumping into the next relationship. Talk to someone about what happened and learn from relationship mistakes. Learn how to be by yourself and if necessary, learn to love yourself. Build up your strength to be stronger for the next chapter of your life.
Another set of feelings…enjoy. ~WM~🥃
Whiskey Momma 