During a recent conversation with Hook, we questioned the “maybe we want what we can’t have” concept. When the question was asked, it was actually posed as “maybe I’m attracted to what I can’t have.” Which, I agreed with, noting that “a challenge is always more fun for me too…wanting what we don’t think we can have is sexy.” Sic
Then that question fell to the wayside as our sarcastic and drunken banter ensued onto more important things like how “I am a superhero” and how he is a sidekick (jk). Our conversations are always deep and explorative (again jk). In reality, as our conversation did swerve to less profound insights, my subconscious was working on overdrive. This concept was slowly formulating a plot to wake me at 2am and yell SURPRISE bitch, it’s time to develop insight.
So at 2am, I plotted back and began to write about the gibberish that was floating around in my brain and recalled an article I had read about the brains thrill switch and how it can be related to the ego, low self-esteem, and needing validation. I have worked with lots of people who suffer from this affliction. I personally have a two offer rule. More on that later…
Let’s look at how the thrill of the chase is a driving force behind catching the “prey.” Think like a hunter for a second or two…you are at the top of the food chain, you have the gun powder and lead, YOU are the most powerful predator in the woods. (Except bears, bears beat you sometimes) You have a strategy, you have the gear to camouflage, and you have instinct that has been running through your veins for years of evolution. You know what you want, you have the tag, and you are in the locale to “catch your prey.”
Then you see tracks and signs of the prey you seek, your adrenaline is slowly spiking up until that point, however, when you see signs of recent presence of the prey, your adrenaline spikes, shooting of chemicals in your brain that is giving you the mental veracity to push forward and achieve success. Then, out of the corner of your eye you see your prey. Maybe it has points, maybe it isn’t exactly what you were expecting, but it’s your prey nonetheless.
You know what to do now. You slowly and quietly raise your rifle to your shoulder. Careful not to scare the prey, as it could easily run off and that is not conducive to your goal. You eye your prey, carefully calculating when you are going to make your move. All the while you are telling yourself that you got them, they have no where to run, it’s beautiful and the meat will taste so good, thus your confidence is exploding. Then perhaps a thought creeps in about possibly missing…ugh. Doubt, fear, insecurities, and a sense of failure kicks in-what do you do now???
At that moment, you can choose to chase the thoughts away and aim and shoot and bag the prey, which usually results in a positive reinforcement of the hunt. Which then reinforces a healthy ego, sense of self-worth, confidence, and so on…
However, the alternative goes more like this… you can continue to have the doubts and fear, take aim, bag the prey and reinforce negative thoughts about your abilities, and your self-worth thus lowering your ability to regulate your egos need for validation, and telling yourself you just got lucky, which in turn leads to recreating the same bullshit scenario over and over, without changing the thoughts that tell yourself…you can do it.
Is it me, or did that description sound like an evening out??? Now, what can we do to change that scenario? Ask ourselves the “why.” Why are we chasing? What is our why??? Here is my “why” I don’t chase. I have a two ask rule, then I am done. Here it is in a nutshell.
If I am interested in you, I will ask one time to do an activity or get together. If there isn’t a possibility due to real reasons, that’s cool. I will evaluate for a next time. Should this not come to fruition, then I will not ask again. The person has made it clear that their life isn’t ready for my presence (which I totally get) and there is no need to waste my time or my feelings on this person. I still care about them as a human, and should timing be different later down the road…whatever. No hard feelings, no kick to my ego, no tears.
This has been a positive action in my life, that has lead to being more at peace with being selective and alone. To be clear, I am not just talking about the opposite sex, I am speaking of any of my interpersonal interactions. I can easily avoid toxic people based on my two ask rule. It is a beautiful and healthy way to delineate from the drama that I HATE.
To summarize this a little bit more…there are several reasons why people may chase or are attracted to “what they can’t have.” A few may be- excitement of the thrill of the chase, you think you’ll be accepted by the person and validate our need to be wanted, ego satisfaction, low self-esteem, fantasy, and possibly to prove that we deserve such a person. However, do you want to be with someone out of your fear of inadequacy, need for validation, or building your self-esteem?
The only way to change these areas are to set and follow limits that lead to a healthy view of your value. (Two ask Rule is a great start) Talk to friends about what they value about your relationship. (This is a great start too) Explore what it is about you that you value…this is hard. Most humans I ask this question to are incapable of identifying one thing about themselves that they value with the exception of “being a good spouse or parent.” Above all else, ask yourself “what your why is.” ~WM~
Whiskey Momma 