Why is it a problem for people to let shit go? The bigger and the million dollar question is why can we not let people go from our lives? We seem to cling to toxic, painful, and abusive thoughts and people like it’s a sport that will result in a prize winning trophy at the end of the suffering.
We tell ourselves that the person will magically change their behavior or their mind based on what lies we tell or behaviors we tell ourselves that if we do we will get them or some version of them back. Ugh. If We change our hair (oh yeah, I’ve done this), we act nicer (meh, this isn’t something I can really pull off), we seem more adventurous or aloof, and some often drastically change their personality (ha, if I did this my personality would be worse).
Some people are easier to let go than others…this depends on individuals and the circumstances of the relationship. When I was little (and now for sure) if someone hurt me (which obviously happened in horrific ways at times) I checked them off my list of people I would no longer have anything at all to do with.
I know this is a defense mechanism and lthat has been the envy of some of my friends who know me best. However, there are those who were harder to let go because of whatever reason…in raw and true form it was harder because of the “what could’ve been” or “why did this happen and can I fix it” mentality (I know, this never helps).
So when I check people off my list now, it draws suspicion regarding my sincerity or ability to form real and loving relationships Okay. I get this. However, compartmentalization is a skill that I developed early in life to be able reconcile my abuse, or negative life events to survive and move forward. I don’t stuff (anymore), I let go.
How do I do this you ask? Okay- step one-in the moment, I ask myself what is really going on. Usually it is an emotional reaction to something painful that is being said or done to me or someone I care about. Or recently I have experienced an increase in anger (gee, I wonder why). Step two- I remind myself who I have control over ( the world!!! Jk), ME! I only have control over my behaviors.
As much as I’d love the world to fall into line the way I think it should, I do NOT have that power (please don’t tell people this I do have a reputation). Step three-once I know I’m not emotional and have regained control over myself, I take perspective. I put myself into the other person, the groups, or other entities “shoes” and/or look at the situation from as many angles as possible. This allows me to develop possible theories or an understanding for where the other person/entity may be coming from.
There are many people that struggle with taking perspective and I think when I start podding (I made this up in lieu of calling it podcasting) I’ll describe this in more detail. For now, people struggle with it because they aren’t taught how to at an early age, and thus they may not understand the importance and reasons why sharing, being considerate, and being compassionate are important.
Sometimes I have to practice these steps repeatedly and while I’m walking away angry AF, and that’s ok! I have the steps down, it’s ok to practice them anytime I need to practice them. I know what works well, however, I am always learning skills to incorporate letting toxic people and their shit out of my life. Doing this has been extremely helpful in my career (as noted by my recent job change) and it’s helpful during the divorce.
Step four- once I’m able to take perspective, I’m able to directly challenging negative thoughts, which changes my emotions from negative to slightly annoyed, which in turns allows me to calm down, which allows me to walk away and let it go. When I walk away I remind myself that it’s ALWAYS a choice to be healthy or unhealthy when I engage with someone.
But dear god help me when I want to separate myself from someone (really the fantasy of someone) and it feels like I’m ripping skin off. I follow the same steps, however, it’s much harder and usually, if I dwell on it, it takes longer to do. This has only happened twice and it’s been a long time ago. I work very hard to not get myself into those types of situations. The pain is more than I want to bear.
What about you? So do you think you could follow the steps above to try and let shit and people go? Do you think you can make the choice to let the toxicity in your life go? I’m sticking to my rule of fucking four (this is my trademark) and I’m gonna follow the steps. It has allowed me to be a good human, a co-parent, and to stay out of legal troubles when the dear ex crosses lines that causes some really strong urges.
Let it go…just fucking let the shit go.
Whiskey Momma 