This is another blog that started one way and ended up completely different.
I’ve been accused a few times (okay, a lot) of “needing to be in control” or “being controlling.” However, this accusation was made recently by someone I care about (I’ll be protecting this one). So, because I’m receptive to “critical feedback” I’ve been working this angle for a few days and believe I’ve had some clarity that may explain a different perspective when it comes to someone we “perceive” as “controlling.”
Let’s start with how many times a man has complimented my directness, my intelligence, (which is “sexy” says “buzz light year”) and mostly, my confidence. This combination of personality has and is a staple in the beginning of almost every interaction I have with people that has resulted in a conversation where most women have stated how they “wish they had an ounce of the confidence” I have. BUT.
This confidence is only seen as confidence until it challenges someone’s own securities or rather an insecurities . Once a person who loves the confidence begins to feel those crappy and yucky feelings that make them feel uncomfortable they no longer see confidence, they see “controlling and manipulation.” These feelings are generally brought on by me just asking questions or setting personal limits and boundaries.
For example, during a great conversation and back and forth banter, they may begin to feel a tinge of that feeling “hope” which turns to “fear” which turns to “shutting the fuck down.” Because hope means “possibility” which, for some people this has lead to destruction and suffering. Which I totally get. This is not control. “Buzz” told me “most men are intimidated by strong and intelligent women.” Oh the blame I could place…
So my first reaction to being told I was “controlling” was shock. When I hear someone is controlling I think “abuser.” So I conducted some research. Ok. I can be controlling. In three areas I have issues with control-safety/security, trust, and being vulnerable. As a result, I will “guide” (just kidding, I’ll manipulate) processes along to ultimately feel safe. There are also times when my “caring” looks like controlling. Maybe when I try to take care of those details that are a pain for most people, or send whiskey to your balcony when on vacation.
Hook said I was controlling. That sucked. But he’d know. He has some of those tendencies too. He followed up saying I’m “not overbearing,” but it doesn’t matter. It’s out there and now I have even more shit to fix. I’m going to have to take a step back and look at my interpersonal relationships with other humans. Ugh. Grownuping sucks. Set some limits and just watch and listen. I don’t have to always ask questions.
To that point-out of fifteen areas of control that I looked at, the three areas I struggle with directly relate to trauma. Which, means those yucky things like feelings effect me too. So when I tell you I’m putting myself out there (being vulnerable), and you don’t respect it, those previous exclusions noted from above are introduced. Sarcasm with a hint of vague but believable threat (my grandmas recipe).
I will set boundaries for myself and will not be manipulated into shit I don’t want to do or settle for mind games you want to play because of your said insecurities. I will walk away. (Even though I’d prefer to punch you in the throat) You can call me a bitch or a manipulator, I don’t care. I know me. My humans know my heart. You are afraid and you will lose. Every. Damn. Time.
How about you? Are you an “A Type” that must have things a certain way that things need to be done? Are you someone who needs to feel in control due to a chaotic childhood or have a trauma that reminds you how you need to have control over certain situations? How about those that are unable to trust someone to do the job “just right?”
My advice to anyone who is given this feedback-look at the possibility. Everyone has control issues on some level. EVERYONE. I give whiskey to people. Why? Think about it…they need it! I try to give people what they need. Maybe not what they want, but most of the time what they need. I will not be doing that so much in the future. Something to think about…
A special thanks to the guy who called me out on my shit. Keep doing it please.
Whiskey Momma 