After I published the “Intimacy” blog I received multiple emails and stories about how those readers could relate to how I was feeling and what I was experiencing. Every story was a little different, but all the same, I loved, I was crushed, I’ll never trust again. Guess who sent me the most messages…MEN. The men who responded outnumbered the women four to one.
However, the one difference between the men’s stories and women’s stories was profoundly enlightening. In a nutshell, most women, when crushed by “love” or what they perceived as love, they look for it again, and usually, as quickly as possible. There were some exceptions, and they know who they are, however, we can talk about that more later in another blog…
So the men who responded on the “way other hand of the universe,” Like me, they report shutting the vault, welding the combination lock, the hinges, and all around the seal, then they wrapped a quarter inch pull chain around the vault really tight, then locked and welded it too, Then they bury any real thoughts, feelings, and urges to act on said thoughts and feelings that may present themselves when interacting with possible partners.
Almost all of them reported having sexual interactions with partners in which they have and have had “no intentions of ever marrying” and with the exception of a couple, “kept this information secret” from their perspective partners. The persons who were honest with their partners had different life situations, and were comfortable with the partners knowing, however, most have chose to keep their sexual exploits secret from the other partners. Either way, all those who shared reported feeling hatred, rage, disgust, vengeful, and an overall sense of unhappiness .
So what is it that one does, and/or, may tell themselves (me sometimes for sure) that keeps us at a standstill and putting ourselves back out “there” wherever the fuck that may be??? We dilute ourselves with variations of excuses to “keep ourselves safe,” however, it’s still all defense mechanisms to “protect” our ego, thus not allowing a real and intimate human connection to happen, the way social creatures usually need in order to feel connected.
The list is not limited to what is written below, and I have omitted some of the more super unhealthy, criminal behaviors that were shared. However, I’m sure you can use your imagination…
*We hold on to fantasies and memories, especially when there is a long history with the person. Doing this gives us a movie to play in our head over and over, making us comfortable with not moving forward.
*Telling yourself that you’ll get them back if you try hard enough (PS this usually entails some sort of psychotic/psychopathic behavior)
*No one will ever measure up, if they do, we will ALWAYS find evidence that there are other negative qualities that do not measure up.
*Then the usual excuses we tell ourselves: they are too smart, not smart enough, too ambitious, not ambitious enough, I’m not good enough, they’re not good enough, they work too much, they don’t work enough, too ugly, too fat, too skinny, too light, too dark, not enough tattoos(yep, this is a thing), my friends won’t like them, my friends will like them too much, not popular enough, too popular (especially in a sexual manner), too desperate, bad-hair, teeth, skin…Blah, blah, blah…
***Because I’m the author and I am dealing with this shit right now…how about, she’s a therapist and will know/read into too much, be too critical, know when I’m full of shit, try to analyze me, try to change me, read my mind…FUCK it’s exhausting! UGH! You need not be concerned with that, you should be concerned with my right cross and upper cut, in addition to my ability to hit center mass and head during target practice.
NOPE…While we tend to focus on that bullshit and not the real issues, like drug & alcohol use, depression, and other self-destructive behaviors that surrounds us everyday. WHY???? Why do we choose to hold onto toxic and self-destructive relationships, or worse yet, the fantasy of the relationship that will NEVER happen.
The drama that comes with these beliefs is fucking exhausting. The emotional rollercoaster is dangerous and tiring, and the science that supports the dumbass theory that one will ever get the person back is the equivalent of plucking flower petals and landing on he/she loves me…NO they don’t fucking love you, and probably don’t give a shit about you either. Because if they did, you wouldn’t feel terrible right now.
Who can and why would anyone want to try to keep up? Here are some reasons to let it (the fantasy)fucking go…
*You are not the same people you were when the relationship began, or better yet, when it ended! Depending on the situation, that person does not exist.
*They did not CHOOSE you, and are not going to change their minds. No book, no class, and no amount of drinking will change this.
*You CANNOT fix them. EVER (My personal favorite to try) You will turn blue and die before they listen to you. (Trust me I know)
*You have changed yourself for someone who doesn’t care about you, ONLY what you can do for them. (Narcissistic much?)
*Your mental well being is suffering. Which means your self-worth is depreciating, you cannot afford the loss.
*You feel alone, even when you’re not alone. You tell yourself you have a fulfilling life, i.e. kids, sports, work. Reality is, you are waiting for a fantasy.
*You are LYING to yourself (you eventually believe the bullshit you’re selling yourself). You are LYING to everyone else. People don’t like that, you’ll lose friends because they will tire of seeing you self-destruct and wait for their calls.
Now that I have ranted on about what we tell ourselves, let’s talk about the consequences of not making significant changes…the biggest one is, wait for it: YOU WILL LOSE. AGAIN…YOU WILL LOSE
The consequences of closing the heart, the mind, and the general spirit of finding or seeking out “love” can be profoundly negative. The most obvious negative is not being able to form intimate relationships with others that serve more of a human connection versus a physical/sexual connection. Most people are able to have a sexual relationship, however, as previously mentioned, intimacy is more about having a sense of human connectivity which can ultimately lead to a higher sense of self worth, self value, and happiness knowing that you are not alone in the world.
Another consequence of having an unattached sex life, you will be brought into a level of theatrics (drama) in an effort to manipulate and gain control over the outcome of the relationship. This is where being a girl (ME) is helpful. So listen up men, I am giving you a gold mine of information that most of you will ultimately refuse to listen to because you have a way to not give a fuck about anything other than the pleasure principle. (I can vouch that some people never listen)
Most humans crave attention. At some point, any type of attention from whoever they can get it from is reinforcing a behavior. Examples include but are not limited to, “playing the victim”-most have a fantastic back story and can whip one up to be rescued at a moments notice. Others are less “hero and rescue” based, but nonetheless significantly problematic, i.e. threatening suicide or self-harm, pregnancy scares, social media drama, and job interfering (especially if you sleep with coworkers). The list of creative manipulative techniques is long and exhaustive, but tried and true.
But the ultimate consequence of keeping ourselves closed off…we will not get the person who we are really meant to be there with. We are so focused on the negative, we are missing the positive in front of our nose as we cut it off to spite ourselves. We will never know love, connection, and support the way we could. It’s not what we deserve, but the way we could, because they will walk away fearlessly into the night.
I will walk away. Then, I will lead other women and men who have put their hearts on the line and have been ignored due to having others’ past behaviors held against them. We will educate hearts and minds about how they are missing out on real love and connection versus collecting scraps of attention from someone who is broken and closed off.
I challenge all of you who are hurting and choose to use this way of life to make superficial connections to look at yourself. Look at how you hold yourself back. I encourage you to fall. Fall hard. Put everything out there. (Of course this will take lots of time cause just putting it all out at once is just dumb and unsafe)
I am closed off sometimes and build that steel reinforced, 10 foot concrete wall, but I’m not giving up. I mostly want to have happiness and connection…but it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Reach out, talk, be brave to tell the person your history of pain and suffering. Take the journey together as long as it’s not destructive. Lean on someone for that support.
Whiskey Momma 