This particular entry is hard. Why? Because a moment in time in which the Dear Ex seen a side of me in which he was able to read and have some insight into a journey in which I wanted to and did partake in with others, and that I no longer did with him. He was profoundly surprised and hurt, however, he was enlightened and a conversation that needed to be had, was had.
What was discovered? Personal messages laced with sexy nuances and carnal desires sent via text messages. The betrayal was made clear, however, and clarifications (reasons to justify the behavior) were required to be made that will explain why some made the cut, and some didn’t. (Dear Ex didn’t make the cut, which has taught me a humbling and painful lesson)
To be more transparent, I have always been very careful with the type of correspondence I have sent to others, i.e. nothing sexy or risqué and/ politically problematic. Because I have this amazing career in politics in my future; which to be clear, it seems like this is now a none issue. Because most politicians have a history of some scandal or another…I’ll just be open and honest, right? (Presidency here I come)
As with most racy messages interesting texts were sent that were not meant for other people to see. That is what privacy is meant for, however, because they were discovered, relationships were tested and new relationships were formed. Let’s make sure that everyone is aware of what “relationships” mean: “the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.”
So clearly, that doesn’t mean that the relationships are positive or necessarily negative. What was read was between me and those I had an interpersonal connection with in which I felt safe enough to share carnal thoughts and feelings with. (Who hasn’t done that, right?)
However, one may use this new found information as a tool to apply rationale for one of the many reasons why couples “fall part.” Which may be fair, or may not be fair. It should be noted that NONE of the conversations took place prior to the separation. Note: there was abuse in my past that does correlate to past and present behavior and reinforces significant trust issues. (Holy shit-the next blog will address this mess)
Which yes, is definitely something I should have (it would have been nice) talked to him about, but weakness is not something that I am ever comfortable exhibiting. Few have seen this weakness…they know who they are. On the day of what felt like “judgement day” I had to say, you “should not have invaded my privacy” and that “I was sorry for any suffering,” but, and it’s a big BUTT, “you should not have read my private info.”
I felt terrible that there was pain and suffering, in addition there was agreement that privacy was invaded. However, a slow and bubbling eruption was going to occur. I sensed it, I waited for it, it happened.
I had planned an evening to have guests over for swimming and drinks, which was lovely, then turned sad as the friends departed and the dear ex went indoors for the night. (Or so I thought) as I sat listening to a song on repeat, I became more sad. I felt sorry for myself and my situation. (wouldn’t you?)
I’m not sure, and I refuse to reread original messages more than I already have, how I allowed another human to suffer (he handled it quite gracefully) in my muck and mire, but when he offered a “shoulder to cry on and listen,” I happily accepted. Unfortunately, the dear ex was not as happy about the visit. (Which worked itself out)
This visit was strained with mental accusations and emotional turmoil (not by me, well maybe I was a little anxious I did drink another swig of whiskey) as the visitor was polite and courteous, and to be perfectly clear, there were not supposed to be other people around. Ladies and gents, “Hook” had paid a short visit, even though he was in a ridiculous and awkward situation. What a fucking hero (don’t tell him that, he’ll find a way to make himself feel like shit if he hears that).
He was confronted (sort of) and then he graciously offered a beer to the confronter( who should (Would have been nice) not have said or done anything). However, there we were in a ridiculous situation, which unfortunately, was too short, because like all hero’s, hero work is never done.
However, for a short period, and for those who love a good “hook,” although he was there to lend a shoulder to punch/cry on with so many people around, me being vulnerable was not in the cards. Maybe next time.
Will there be a next time? Yes. I think so. Life is changing every day. I found out that living together may not be the healthiest track for us and our kiddos …so next stop, the dear ex is moving out. It’s scary, but grown ups do these things all the time.
Now to regroup and learn to move forward. The kids are excited, and the space will be healthy. So was it Karma or was it an opportunity to learn and grow? Maybe both! The pain and suffering will be enduring for sometime.
I hope that we (and dear ex) do not perpetuate this mishap in communication in our children and continue to teach them to love themselves, let them fail, let them grow through their sense of failure so they don’t require others to measure their worth or value. (I hate that sex is used as a value marker…)Then and only then will they have a sense of accomplishment and security that they’ll survive, and feel a sense of security enough to move forward and continue to be brave and vulnerable.
Whiskey Momma 