How did a conversation related to childcare turn into a recommendation from the dear ex to bring one of my BFF’s to a fight night, which we had intended to use as a date night for ourselves?? Not catchy enough? He had just told me he is “bringing” a person (out of respect for her I will not share about her) and is staying the night at the location (for those who may struggle and you know who you are, they would be in the SAME room).
Ahhh…now I have your attention. So we had that conversation in the morning and of course I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was irking me…except the obvious. So throughout the day of “training,” which was really a medieval torture of digging deep into my dark history of abuse and trauma, and triggered my feelings and beliefs of being damaged, and the feelings of brokenness and being unlovable. Which by the way lasted all three days of training…so I was raw as fuck.
I spoke to a friend and of course, I received the validation I sought, except, it wasn’t fitting the exact “irkness” that I was feeling. I needed it to fit because if it didn’t, there was something wrong with me, right?? So I thought about it, and thought about it, then eureka!! I nailed it. He was lying. But was he?
That’s a simplistic version, but what was really happening, was he was telling me he was renting a room, but lying to himself that he had no intentions of doing anything besides sleep (“we are getting two beds…”) because they were having drinks. Me too. Actually right at this moment. Ugh. How ridiculous. I was of course, befuddled with the statement of getting the room, but to lie to not only me, but himself about his intentions.
When I confronted this matter, head on, because that’s what I love to do…right?? He acknowledged that he “may be lying to himself” but the fight was four weeks away, so “who knows.” You know who knows, I do. That’s who knows. It required an extensive (and sober) extraction process, and even then I wasn’t satisfied that he knew how dumb it was to continue to live as a charade inside his mind. So. I was pissed.
So who can I trust wholly when I am pissed at everything or anyone in my life right now…the one person who doesn’t feel it necessary to lie. In fact, I think that he’d rather not speak than lie. Which is cool as hell. (Maybe I’ll try to keep quiet more, lol) I messaged Hook, who thoughtfully said, he couldn’t speak for other men, when asked if “all men lie.” He also encouraged me to attend the event due to buying my tickets.
There may have been some other recommendations in the way of making things as fun as possible for me, less so for the ex. He also-as the voice of reason, said bringing me (me) on a double date was “balsy” and “even he wasn’t that stupid.” He also said “love makes us” basically “blind and dumb.” Unfortunately, this is one of the reasons Hook avoids the emotion. Which I completely get. COMPLETELY. Especially now.
But…or maybe we should use “and” I’m not sure yet. There may be a time when there is one person that you know you can say anything to. ANYTHING. Maybe you’ve had or currently have this person in your life. How incredible does and/or did it feel? To know there is/was a person who accepted you for all your flaws and had no secrets (BTW I have secrets, lots) from, AND what if…
What if there was another person who was out there that you could connect with on a deeper and more meaningful level beyond what you let in or out on the surface? Does it necessarily mean love, or is it respect? I think it could be one or both. Respect in this context is not based on a fear (losing something or reward based), it’s based on a desire. A desire to connect through commonality even though you are suffering and fragile.
The Dear ex and I had a good talk about and laid out our expectations of what respect needs to occur related to honesty moving forward. There’ll be times when it works and when it doesn’t. Humans are dumb. Hook pointed that out too…
However, we are also very social creatures and if we don’t lean on and support one another, even when we are terrified of being “vulnerable” (which I recently learned this word can be translated to an interesting Freudian slip with voice text). I’ve talked about being vulnerable. It’s scary as fuck, but with the right person, it can be liberating, supportive, and maybe feel amazing(this could be a slight exaggeration)!!
Even through my damaged and broken views of myself carry me in waves, I choose to be vulnerable, I choose courage. When I’m scared, when I harbor guilt and shame, I choose courage. I’m going to take that risk and put myself out there.
Imagine what it would be like to believe you are worth fighting for…
Can you imagine feeling vulnerable and it fees good…
Whiskey Momma 